Why don't you let Grandma watch her for a few hours so you can have a date night. I know you love your precious baby but it can really strengthen your marriage to have some "real" alone time. It sounds like it would also make Grandma really happy. 7 1/2 months is a long time to go without leaving her. You are going to run into some severe separation anxiety if something ever comes up and you have to leave her unexpectantly. Good luck and be glad you have someone willing to babysit!! There is nothing wrong with getting a little help.
I agree with several of the other responses - let the baby's grandma come sit while you (and your spouse) run out for 1-2 hours. Not only will you benefit, the baby will as well (this will make it so much easier in the future to leave her with caregivers when the separation anxiety becomes much more difficult.) I think you need to examine your fears, trust issues and the kind of worry/anxiety you may eventually be passing on to your small child. It will be fine! Life is too short as another responder mentioned. Grandparents are much more involved if they get to spend time with their grandchildren as infants. This is a good thing!
When I first read the title, I thought maybe your baby was a newborn. But at 7.5 months, you should think about letting your MIL sit for you, even if it's for a couple of hours. Go out and do some shopping or get a manicure or haircut, something for yourself. I think it is every Grandma's wish to babysit a new grandchild. Keeping her away will damage your relationship, long term. Consider letting her babysit for short periods of time.
I agree with some of the other posts. You and your hubby really need to get out for a little while without the baby!! Trust me it's good for people to take a break once in a while! I know you said you want to wait til your daughter is 1 year old before having a babysitter. But at 1 year old they are already so aware of they're surroundings and they know who mommy and daddy are. I would just worry that mabye she'll have a problem going to a babysitter since she hasn't been exposed to that before.
My mom first babysat for my daughter when she was 3 weeks old so me and my husband could grab some dinner. It was great! She's 10 months old now and very well adjusted and loves to go by all the grandparents houses and we have no problems with attachment issues. So you might want to let go a little bit to avoid bigger issues later! Just my thoughts.
Ultimately do what's best for your family.
I think her feeling are really hurt and I can't say that I blame her. I would see it as not being trusted to watch the baby. She does need time to bond with her. Plus, if you wait until the baby is one, you can run into severe seperation anxiety and then you will be ready to go out but you won't. If grandma is capable, I don't think it could hurt to schedule a quick lunch date and let grandma babysit. You may even enjoy yourself!
Hi Patricia,
I am going to be the "Other" side of the topic, becuase it appears everyone differs in their opinion. I think if you and your husband are okay in your relationship(alone or adult time comes in many forms/times) and have open discussion about how you are raising and caring for your child then your MIL will just have to wait!
There are plenty of people in the world who don't have sitters (becuase of whatever reason) and their children are just fine and so is their marriage! You are giving your MIL time with the Grandchild so they are forming a relationship. You don't have to be without your parents to play with your grandparents. You daughter is learning that her parents are there for her and will, when the time is right, learn others can care for her too, when she is older and can understand better!
Just becuase your MIL thinks you aren't being fair doesn't mean you should change your ways. Stick to your guns! Enjoy your family in a way that makes your child, your husband and yourself happy and comfortable. When you are happy and comfortable at home, everything else is easier!
Best Wishes to you all!
It is a personal choice when you will be comfortable. And no it's not mandatory to get time away. Those are decisions you must make. For years we didn't have regular time away. Now we are able to get out more (our youngest is over a year). There are seasons for relationships and if you and your hubby are happy with the decision that's fine! Just keep saying that she will be the 'first person' to watch the baby when you are ready to go out, what a bleesing it is to have such a great grandma, etc. Also, maybe you could ask her to come help with the baby while you do a project around the house for and hour or so. Even if you don't really need her:)
This is kind of a different response to your post, just bear with me. When I read your post, you & your husband's decision on no babysitters until your baby is one, is exactly the way I used to think as well. I have a 20 mos. old & unfortunately she was never able to spend time with my MIL, my MIL died suddenly 2 mos. before my daughter was born. It was very unforseen & tragic. From day one when my daughter was born, my FIL also wanted to babysit my daughter all the time. I felt really bad about not letting him, my husband & I were just not ready to let someone else watch her, even though he was quite capable. We too decided to wait until she was one. She turned 1 in Oct. 08, and my FIL was diagnosed in the final stages of cancer not long after her birthday. He passed away in April of this year. He was too sick to be able to spend much time with his grand-daughter. My point in telling you all this, life is short. If you have a loving MIL that wants to spend time with your baby, in her home & just shower your baby with love & attention a Grandma can give, I say let her. I wish I would have let my FIL babysit when he was able too, and I can never change that. Good luck in your decision, and cherish those Grandma's & Grandpa's, you are so very lucky to have them.
I'm jealous. I live 1000 miles west of one set of grandparents and 700 miles east of the other set (who recently spent 9 months in Ireland). I would LOVE to live that close to grandparents. You are so blessed to have them so close!
I have a friend who asked nearby grandparents to babysit and was given money to hire a sitter (she didn't need the money).
When my oldest was 1 and we visited Grandma, my mother had to get up with her and I had to hide out in the bedroom (and carefully run to the bathroom) so that they could get time, once she saw me, Grandma time was over. I wish we had been close enough for that bond to be stronger.
Why aren't you ready? What are you worried will happen?
The answer you'd probably rather hear:
If you really won't change your mind, then your husband needs to communicate with her (it's his mother) and possibly spend less time with her. If she is defensive and snide around your daughter, that's not a good vibe for her to be around.
Good luck.
I really do see both sides of this, you are the parent and this is your call but at the same time I don't see what the big deal is. Not that it's taking away from her being a grandparent but I'm sure she had this vision of becoming a grandma and babysitting, just like you had visions of what you wanted to do when you became a mother. It sounds like a trust thing to me (although it may not be, you may just be very protective of your daughter) which is why your mother in law is probably getting so defensive and using guilt, which is not very nice of her.
This is the thought that keeps running through my head. What if something happened to where you HAVE to leave your daughter with someone else. God forbid it does, but it is possible, if someone got hurt or something. If she's never had a babysitter she may not react well to one, especially in a stressful situation like that.
I'm not sure what your true reasons are, but I would weigh every possibly thing out and then decide. If you are still set on this decision then keep firm.
Hi Patricia!
Just some things to think about...........
1) It is rare to find a MIL and DIL who agree on how to raise a child.
2)A MIL will never do things your way
3)You will probably be irritated by things she does/doesn't do
Pick you battles, let things go and set FIRM but kind limits with her. This happens to all of us!!!!!!
1) My Granmda died two years ago at the age of 94. Looking back we were not close. As an adult I could see her imperfections and that she probably was a better grandparent then parent. As a child, none of that mattered. What mattered is that she babysat me so my parents could go to church and let us eat cereal infront of the TV..that when I was sick at school she would come get me and sit me on the couch to watch cartoons all day..she did little things that made me feel special that my mom couldn't do. Just cause it was Grandma. No matter what my folks/aunts/uncles thought of her, the relationship was perfect in my head and did the job to make me feel special. It was OUR relationship.
My Grandma got to be a great-grandma for five years before she passed. What an honor to see the next generation!!!! I think about that now as my last will turn one (boohoo) and I think that the next time I am in a nursery, a maternity ward, buying newborn clothes, holding somebody so close....will be a long, long time. And that makes me so sad, and to think to have to wait 15, 20, 30 years to meet the next family member. Think of how your daughter makes you feel and just think of having to wait for that.
If she is inappropriate or hurtful or doing more then being a spoiling Grandma then put your foot down now!! But if there is none of that, let your daughter start the relationship with her Grandma without you interferring. An hour is not long for them to spend together alone.
Diane G., your story touched my heart!
It sounds like you know exactly how and what you want to say. But do understand that it is abnormal, and you are keeping them from bonding/forming a relationship. My mom waited 20 years from 1st grandchild to mine, and she and he have such a close bond. It is not like the bond with the parents, but so important in forming relationships. It doesn't mean that she gets the baby over night, but you should consider why it is you won't let her babysit, it goes beyond the need for one.
Boundaries are hard for some mothers. :) It might work to meet half way and she watches baby in the house why you're somewhere else in the house taking a bath, cleaning or enjoying some time doing something. She gets the one-on-one and you get peace and quiet.
Or make sure to use "I feel statements." Your husband's work probably has an EAP which provides free counseling sessions to help provide you with the tools to resolve the conflict. Better yet, your husband resolve it since it's his mother.
Hi Patricia,
I know this is not the advise you really want but for my MIL we started going out for a movie or a walk or a glass of wine somewhere. (going out for not-to-expensive stuff) so that she could babysit for an hour or so. It helped our relationship alot. I understand that it is nice to be able to talk to her grandchild without everyone watching her every move. I think it is her chance to pass on her little words of wisdom to be grandbaby in her own way.
What I felt weird about what that the MIL felt she had some claim over our child. In the end, I think I was thinking about it too much. She really just needs a little one on one time. Good luck whatever you decide, your decision will be right for you. Veronika
So, has anyone followed up with this thread. Did the kids turn out to be well adjusted around others as they got older... or did they freak out when they spent time with new people. How about at 2, 3 or 4 yrs old...To me, its not about the parent...what are you denying the grand kids and why are you denying them? Is it your own insecurity? If you dont trust yourself, there is no way you would trust anyone else...You can't hold on to the kids forever...you have to trust in them and your family. After all your parents, the MIL's and FIL's raised happy well adjusted loving people that you married. They can't be all that bad. I grew up on a very small farm right next door to my grandparents and cherish all the face time we got to spend with each other. We had overnights on weekends from the get go, so my parents could have alone time and nurture their own relationship. If you don't spend more than an hour alone with your spouse you are truly missing out. Those of you that have been together longer can vouch for that. Intimacy (all kinds of it) is important to maintain so that you each feel valued as you did before you had children!... I was lucky learned all kinds of things from wonderful, active and hard working grandparents. thank you!
Thank you everyone for you responses, we won’t be letting her take the baby completely by herself; for a multitude of reasons. Not the least being her intense pestering to get rid of us which makes me worry. We will continue to let her play with our little girl at our house or their house while I get things done. We’ve been doing that where I will go clean the house while they play in the living room or I will get some scrapbooking done while they play. I just am not comfortable leaving her yet, I like the reassurance that if something were to happen to her I am here. After reading some of the posts I realize that we probably don’t trust her, she doesn’t agree with a lot of our parenting choices, and would probably undermine them if given a chance. They are really pushing solids and don’t understand why we are introducing foods on a schedule (The 4 day wait rule the doctor recommends). I will continue to have my husband tell his mom No that she will be the top of our list when we are ready but it’s just not at this time. And when she asks me I will be sure to acknowledge that Grandma is different then a babysitter and she is able to come and play with our daughter while I work around the house, every once in a while.