Sorry MIL but dropping in, returning kids late and judging her decisions would not be cool w me either. Apologize to her and tell her u want to start over. also, express interest in just her, not just obsessing abt when u can see the kids. Take her for a Mani/ pedi.
It sounds to me like some personal accountability is in order here. The majority of your statement was a harsh and typical of mother in law assessment of a sons wife…But you have to ask yourself why is it you wouldn’t be so overjoyed that your son is in love with his wife? Would you rather he hate her they fight all the time and they split up? You raised him and cared for him and loved him and must have had a hand in teaching him to view his wife the way he does why would you not be proud of that?
Next thing is why be surprised they don’t want to be around you when it’s obvious to me from the short statement you made that YOU are trying to compete with your sons wife. Of course they decline and don’t make an effort you are clearly expecting your son give you preference when he’s now married and has children with this woman.
In regards to the time limit issue SHE is their mother i have my own children and i can tell you NO ONE not even my mother has a say over mine on how my child is raised so if i gave a time limit i’d expect it to be abided as well.
If you honestly HONESTLY want the situation remedied then you owe your son and his wife a sincere apology for trying to compete and essentially divide their union. Then if i were you before this separation becomes wider and wider and wider to a point where things are irreparable i’d go out of my way to get along and try and bond with your daughter in law spend time with just her get to really know love and respect her.
Because by doing the opposite your telling your son subconsciously that you don’t trust him to make the right choice in a spouse that he is wrong for putting her and their children first and that is it not his choice but yours on who he should be with.
If you really want to be closer face the facts that she is not going anywhere he loves her they have children show them both the respect they deserve and mend the rift before it’s too late for you [which imho it’s very close to being too late already based on what you said]
If your heart is genuine this will work out if it isn’t things will most likely get worse and as a DIL who lost the most amazing MIL i hate to see when this happens i know many people who end up shutting out parents who meddle and cause problems for this very reason and every time i feel terrible for both sides b/c the kids don’t want ot shut the parents out but they also cannot abide parents who disrespect their spouses.
Good luck i hope that you can find it in your heart to turn things around
I’m so sorry to tell you this, but you sound like a very difficult mother in law. Reading what you post I am on your DIL’s side! PLEASE…be more kind in how you think of her. Do not drop in unannounced to surprise them. Stop doing that…they do not like it. Do not show the young kids movies for teens. She is their mother and what she says goes. Please be more respectful of that and stop being so resentful that you don’t get your way all the time. It is OK if she does things differently than you did. She is their mom. She gets to decide. You need to be respectful of that. You had your chance raising kids and now is your time to enjoy being a grandma. It is a VERY good thing your son is so into his wife. That is how it should be. Be proud of that. He’s a good husband. You sound like you are quite controlling. Try to work on that. Try to work on doing what your DIL wants…try being kind and try pleasing her. Good luck.
My husband and I did everything for my DIL leading up to the wedding at her request. She had two children and worked full time 50 miles away. We always had a great relationship in the six years prior to the wedding. Babysat the kids, used to go out etc. they would ask if I could,check out photographers, search out a venue that would do a BBQ menu etc. so I did all the footwork and then they went to look at things and choose. I know the way MILs are always bashed, and had enough sense to just do what I was asked. Day after wedding, things did a 360. Called three weeks later to say pregnant. Saw that baby three times in two and a half years. Then they had another. Now they needed us to babysit so all of a sudden we were good enough again. I bit my lip be ause I wanted a relationship with my grandsons. Fast forward my other son and fiancé are having a baby.
DIL would not come to shower. In my sons words, he did it right by getting married first. That was Aril 29, 2012. Last time we saw boys was April 27. My son stopped bringing them and hired a babysitter. My son will text e ery now and then. He came to his Dads 70th birthday but without kids. They were busy. 2 and 4 yeah right. My husband was heartbroken. When I look back at some of the things that she said or did, I should have realized they were red flags, but I could always explain why she did what she did. So there’s my story. I have no idea what we did wrong.
Boy, are you for real? You are an absolute piece of work, lady. You call HER obnoxious? The one who is obnoxious is YOU. No wonder she’s so uncomfortable around you. You hold judgment over her head like a sledgehammer. You have NO respect for the fact that your work as a mother is DONE and he has his own family now. His wife is FIRST in his life, not you. You are jealous of her. You would come inbetween your son and his wife if you had the chance. What you don’t seem to understand is that a man is SUPPOSED to put his wife first. His wife bears children for him. Not you. She is those children’s mother. NOT you.
Your attitude is terrible. If I had a mother-in-law like you, I’d tell you I’m busy, blah blah blah every chance I got, too. You’re lucky you get to see these grandkids once a month the way you treat her. She KNOWS you think she’s not good enough for her son. You tell her this with the way you look at her, act toward her, talk to her. WHY would she put up with this? You stick your finger in her eye with pictures of your son just to slam her with your opinion that they don’t look like HER. She knows that too. No wonder it pisses her off.
None of this is about dropping in. None of this is about dinner. This is about your abysmal treatment of the woman who has made a life with your son, and her unwillingness to let you treat her this way. Why you think she should let you just walk in any time you like to make her feel like the dirt under your nails, I have no idea. Good for her that she doesn’t.
I don’t know if you will EVER learn your lesson. I doubt it. I don’t know if you will ever be able to make up for what you’ve put your daughter-in-law and your son through. God knows, she probably thinks you’ll turn her kids against her. It’s no wonder that she puts time limits on your time with them, not to mention that you disregard their rules with their kids just to rub it into her face. Good Heavens.
I hope you wise up.
I think you need to apologize for your past actions. But not a fake. “sort of” apology. It needs to be real in order to have any weight. Perhaps seeing these responses can help you think about your part in this and get to the point where you can apologize for treating her poorly. In the meantime,
-adhere to their rules
-call ahead of time. Always! Drop-ins can be very stressful for many people. With cell phones, there is absolutely no reason you cannot call ahead of time.
-Be polite and kind. Ask her about herself or how her day has gone. Act interested in her, not just the grandchildren and your husband.
-I think most of us know that us wives generally are the ones running the household, the schedules, etc. As long as she feels uncomfortable, judged, and nervous about whether you will follow the family child care rules, you are not going to be seeing this family as often as you would like.
-When you feel like you can truly apologize, do so. And promise to do better.
-Lastly, families ARE busy. While you can work on being a better MIL so they are more willing to clear their schedule for you, please understand that most families need a few a week or more to clear a schedule. So if you want them over for dinner, call ahead as early as possible to get it on the calendar. Our calendar fills up very fast and last minute invites are really hard to accommodate.
You’ve gotten a lot of responses here & have already responded yourself. But I just want to add this form the DIL’s point. I was the DIL who, 2 yrs ago got ripped a new one by her MIL for how e parent our youngest son. He has ADD, learning difference, high energy so sensor button, very impulsive…you get the picture!. We choose our battles w/him. We parent him different than his older brother. She doesn’t agree w/either of these. She’s British & my husband & his sister were raised to be seen, not heard & were perfectly dressed & behaved children who never disobeyed her. Insert sarcastic tone. She told us everything we were doing wrong plus all that is wrong w/ our son. Obviously I was offended. Since she hates confrontation it took her 2 months to apologize to me. To accept responsibility for what she said. I accepted it but have not forgiven. She still said those things about her grandson & she still thinks them. Apologizing does not change her opinion. And that’s what I find so hurtful.
Your daughter in law has not cornered the market on being “obnoxious”.
I too would be angry if anyone brought my small children back almost an hour late without at least a phone call. Given the tension between you and your son’s wife, I would NOT think of pushing the envelope by bringing the children back late.
I would also not ask to “drop in” because you happen to be in the neighborhood. Many families feel free to do this because they a close and have good relationships.
You seem very pushy and controlling and your son’s wife is the same. Both of you are putting your son in the middle.
Rather then having a conversation with your daughter in law, I would first write a letter of apology and ask if the families could start sharing holidays and time with the kids. Hopefully you can start mending the fences from there, but you really must STOP doing the things that you KNOW push this woman’s buttons.
Ruth? Is that you? Seriously, if it’s not, you sound an awful lot like MY mother in law.
Years back, she ripped me but good, bringing up every single thing that I ever did that she did not like, did not agree with, etc. She even went on to tell these things to MY mother, as if my mother would commiserate with her about what an awful person I am. You only have to do it once, and it will never be forgotten or forgiven.
When your children grow up, they are no longer under your control, married or not. When your son or daughter marries, their allegiance is now to their spouse, not to their parents or equal. Otherwise, he’d be a bad husband.
You do not get to relive having a son when your daughter in law has a baby boy. That baby has a mother. He is your daughter in law’s son. His childhood allegiance will be to HER, not to you.
My children are 14 and 18 now. If someone let my 6 year old watch a PG 13, I would have been angry. You brought the kids home 40 minutes late, they may have been thrown off their bedtime routine, and when you are not the one raising them, you don’t know what that does to their sleep, to their mood the next day or their performance in school the next day. You are not the one fighting to get them up, dressed and on the bus before you have to take off for work yourself. I am not a grandma myself yet, but my sister is, she has two grandkids ages 4 and 1. She gets the kids a lot more than her DIL’s mother does, because she follows the parents’ directions and does what her son and DIL want with the kids and their care even when she doesn’t agree with it - and the DIL’s mother does not. You raised your kids. Your son and DIL are the parents this time around, they get to make the rules about what the children are allowed.
You surprised them by showing up at dinnertime and expected to be invited to stay? I would never appreciate drop in company and since I have always menu planned and grocery shopped every week, I would very rarely have had enough to offer to two additional adults.
My inlaws never lived extremely closeby, 40 minutes or so in the early years, but there were no drop in visits allows. They saw us and the kids maybe once or twice a month. That was sufficient. I was a busy working mom, and we were not looking to book up every weekend with family, not to mention that we had other relatives as well. It’s not uncommon for a couple to see the wife’s family more often.
Your son needing speech therapy when he was a child isn’t a justification for thinking he should still do everything you want, he is years past that, he has been married at least 8 years, he must be over 30 now, right? You are past “having a tough time letting him go.” If you haven’t been able to do it by now, some professional assistance might be in order. He is “so into her” because she is his wife, they have been married for years, that’s what marriage is. You talk about “we” so it sounds like you have a husband. Your son isn’t your 2nd husband, he is somebody else’s husband, mom.
It is ALWAYS a mistake to set up a competition with your daughter in law to see who really has “ownership” of your son. He is an adult and has chosen her. You will lose every time.
You sound like a nightmare of a MIL.
Once is all it takes to break trust and for your husband AND his wife to draw a line and create boundaries. You pretty much admit that you crossed a serious line or three. 
And then your other son “ripped into her” as well and honestly, that was inappropriate too. It would have widened the rift.
First, be proud that your son loves his wife enough to respect her and create boundaries with you. Because of his respect for you, and by extension women, he is able to respect and love his wife and children and dedicate himself to them.
Secondly, his honoring his wife and setting boundaries for you that he didn’t set before doesn’t mean that his wife is domineering or controlling.
Thirdly, it’s doubtful that your son is being forced into anything. He’s a grown man. He is doing as he should… cleaving to his wife. The fact that he has to continue establishing and enforcing boundaries tells me that you’re still having problems with boundaries and recognizing when your presence is welcome versus intrusive. It wasn’t your daughter-in-law that kept you from going into their home when you “surprised” them, it was your son. If he welcomed the visit, he would have let you in no matter how his wife felt.
Fourth, you make it a point NOT to honor your son and daughter-in-law’s requests and boundaries regarding their home and their children. YOU ADMIT IT.
They’re the parents, they have final say in what their children are exposed to. That’s not obnoxious. What’s obnoxious is ignoring their parenting requests completely and then feeling hurt when they call you out on it. What’s obnoxious is not recognizing your daughter-in-law as a good wife or mother… to the point of not even “seeing” her in her own children.
You owe your son AND daughter-in-law huge, sincere apologies and you need to respect the boundaries they’ve established. In other words, back off. I would suggest therapy for you if I thought you would see any benefit it.
First, you were NOT “Surprising” them you were intruding upon them! Just from your post, I can totally see why your daughter in law is the way she is. Sorry for the honesty but you are the one that is wrong on so many levels.
I think most of the ladies have it covered. I do not allow anyone to “drop in” including my own mother. Everyone must call before coming. Why? Because I have things to do and entertaining at the last second is not on my to do list. Maybe this is something you were ok with but it’s not ok with everyone. My kids are on a schedule and my mother calling two blocks away to say she’s coming over in the middle of nap time makes the dog bark and the kids to wake up meaning I have to deal with crazy kids later because she wanted to drop in. That’s not ok and I totally laid down the law. I don’t care that she doesn’t like it my house, my kids, my rules. GL with trying to repair that relationship you sound like a nightmare and I’m so thankful my MIL lives several states away.
I haven’t read any other responses, and did not read your SWH. Yet. But I have to actually say, is this post for real? There is no way you can go back and look at what you wrote, and think FOR ONE MINUTE, that you are in the right here. This actually sounds to me more like someone POSING as the MIL, when actually its the DIL writing it, to see of people agree with HER perception of how her MIL is. Make sense?
Do you REALLY think a PG 13 movie is okay for a 6 year old? Do you really think someone has to offer to feed you if you drop by unannounced at dinner time? Do you really think not respecting her wishes on a time to bring the kids home is okay? But the one that makes me think this is bogus is where you wrote about “getting to relive having a boy”. THAT is where I made the connection that you are actually the daughter in law, and this is your “perception” of how your MIL is being.
So, IF you are actually the DIL, and this is how you feel about your MIL, then it isn’t a healthy relationship for you. You need to set boundaries, protect your family, and if she can’t abide by those boundaries, she doesn’t see the kids unless invited over.
IF you are for real, and you are indeed the MIL, then my God, you have RUINED your relationship with your DIL! You have decided your son still needs to put you on a pedestal, and to hell with his wife and new family. GET A HOBBY, and quit obsessing over this. You were mean to her, by your own admission. Then you seem to disrespect her feelings, thoughts, and parenting choices, by your own admission. The you expect her to hand HER children over to you when you don’t respect her boundaries (again, your own admission). Quit trying to make it about you, and instead, try to see where you fit in your son’s life. Demanding a place isn’t going to earn you one.
I’m very struck by your post, as you could literally be my MIL typing that. HER son, HER grandkids, HER way. I’m just the bitch that gave birth to them. I swear she was giddy when her other son got divorced and she was able to get her claws into his kids, and she resents me for not relinquishing parental control over to her with my own. She’s pissed that I am a capable, confident mother and woman, and don’t need her tearing me down to submission.
Doris, are you for real???
Honestly, you show up at your son’s home before dinner and expect them to offer you dinner without any prior warning??? Who do you think you are? And they have 3 kids if I follow you right?
You hold A LOT of grudges, from dinners/food, to types of movies, to your son not being focused on you any more (Yikes -that is the way it should be??).
I honestly don’t believe your lack of insight. I would think you are a troll, except you have filled in the SWH.
Your son has switched from ‘being a mamas boy’ to being into his wife. Sounds pretty normal. My gut instinct tells me that your son has 2 women telling him how to manage his family time, and at this point in his life, his wife will win every time.
You other son was completely wrong who ‘ripped into her’ about how they manage their Christmas gatherings. Who the hell wants to lug 3 kids from home to home?
What most families do is alternate years. Perhaps you can learn some new boundaries about managing time with other adults???
Dear Doris,
You have just made it harder for other MILs to try to have a decent relationship with our DILs. As women, we are reared differently and bring our teachings, trainings, and beliefs to our marriage. This is what we know and how we will parent our children.
Yes, there are times when we are upset with our DILs, but we do not say what we are thinking verbally. We have learned how to keep peace and stay quiet. We remember that this IS the woman that our son has married and is happy with. You know we all want our children to be happy.
When the marriage happens, we are not in the inner circle of the family unit, we are now a step on the outside ring of the marriage. It may hurt a bit but we have to get over it and live our lives separately and happily. Go to work, get a hobby, take up a class or volunteer. In other words, move on to the next phase of our life where we can do things we had to put on hold because of children.
I would “love” to pop in but it won’t be by surprise as I have to let her know I am on my way. It takes 6 hours drive to get to her home. There was a rift one year at Christmas which took six months to resolve between DIL and son. I advised my son that his wife was correct in the fact that he should have run our coming up by her first before telling us it was fine. He tried to reason with her that it was not a big deal but in her book things we done a certain way. We declined to come and have not gone to Christmas visit yet. This year will be our first after four years of marriage.
We MILs love our grandchildren close up and from a distance. However, we do have to take a step back and let our children do the work. Do follow instructions from son and DIL as to how they want their children cared for. Otherwise you will see them less and less over the years.
You can try with genuine apologies for all of the things you have done wrong. It may take up to three years before you see the fruits of the apologies. You have broken a trust and it takes time to mend the fence. But be prepared that you may never have a deep loving relationship just one this is courteous and cordial in civility.
As others have stated you did screw the pooch and you are reaping what you sowed.
Good luck in you mending your large fence.
the other Suzanne
PS Mommas boys do grow up and become amazing men who can stand on their own feet without mom. We DILs just have to make it so and stand our ground. I, too, have one and having huge distance between us kept our marriage solid. She now lives by herself in a town with no blood relatives that is still a good 10 hours away by car. We are celebrating our 42nd anniversary next month.
I haven’t had time to read all the responses but had to add another perspective.
First, if you expect to have any type of relationship with your grandchildren, you need to change your ways. If they tell you to have the kids home by 7:00 pm, you better be knocking on their door at 6:55 pm. If they say no candy or PG13 movies, then follow their rules. You had your chance to raise your children. Give your son and daughter-in-law the respect they deserve by following their rules. It doesn’t matter if you think a certain movie is okay or one of their rules is ridiculous, do it anyway. These are their children. Stop trying to over-rule the parents. Once they see that you are truly making an effort to improve your own behavior, I believe they will be more receptive to including you in their activities.
Second, no more “dropping in”. Ever. It’s rude and they’ve clearly shown you they don’t like it. Some people (like you) don’t mind but I side with your son and daughter-in-law because I hate it too. “Dropping in” always seems to happen on the days I haven’t showered, the house is a mess, the kids are having a tantrum and I’m feeding them macaroni & cheese because I haven’t been to the store in a week. Call ahead and ASK if you could stop by at a certain time. Be respectful if they say its a bad time and ask when would be convenient for them.
You said your son used to be a Mama’s Boy but now he caters to his wife instead. Think about it. Isn’t that what you would want him to do? He chose her as his life partner so his first priority should be her. Stop looking at it as a competition between you and her and instead realize this shows what a good job you did raising him that he honors his wife above everyone else.
Once you change your way of looking at the relationship, things will get better.
You need to respect her wishes as their mother. If she says bring them back at a certain time, why in the world would you come back almost an hour later (I mean, did you even call first to tell her you were going to be late?) … and , no matter who it is, i do NOT like people just showing up at my house w/out calling first. Especially during dinner time. Sounds like you burned that bridge when you went off on her years ago. Sounds to me like like a HUGE apology is needed, from you to her. Also you should be happy your son is “so into” his wife. I mean, come on.
Not knowing all of the details here, good for your son for putting the family he created first…if more men did this, there would be a lot less drama in families. His wife and his children are his priority, and that means you raised him right. It’s not that she is controlling him, it’s that they are a family unit now and you don’t seem to respect that in a way they like, so they pull away…that’s exactly the advice you would get on here if you wrote in from the DIL’s perspective.
You also have to respect her wishes as a mother. If she doesn’t want her 6 year old watching a PG13 movie, so be it.
I would be PISSED if my parents or in-laws returned my kids later than the agreed upon time and didn’t call. That is flat out rude and disrespectful on your part.
It honestly sounds like your mission is to piss her off as much as possible, and then you get confused when she doesn’t want to be around you. Open your eyes - change YOUR ways/behaviors, and then maybe, just maybe, you can build a better relationship.
Alright I have a mother inlaw just like you and we have major problems. Your son is married and his wife is more important than you. Not saying that you shouldn’t be around, because you should be. You also are important. Now just stopping in with hardly any notice is freaking rude, then expecting that she just magically made enough to invite you is so rude on your part. My MIL would do this a lot and it just mad both of us so angry we need our family time too. Although we see my MIL atleast 2 to 3 times a month if not more. So all the drop ins ticked us off since because of our jobs we didn’t get much family time together.
Now at Christmas she deserves to be able to see her family too. Again your not the only important person in their lives. She has a family too that I am sure she wants to see. Why do they have to come to multiple Christmas? My husband’s family has 3 Christmas’s and we were expected at all of them. And finally we said enough is enough, just because I married him, doesn’t mean I have to tell my family to take a hike. She gave you a Christmas, yet you still want more.
If she asked you to bring the kids at a certain time then you should have done it, no questions asked. SHE IS THIER MOTHER, NOT YOU! It seems to me that she might be a little uptight, but your making is worse by not following what she says. Your son and his wife make the rules in there house and what they want for their children, your opinion is not wanted or need.
Just an added thought I have had problems with MIL but the minute she backed off, was when I came around.
Doris,
You set the stage eight years ago. You didn’t say that you’ve ever apologized. Perhaps a heartfelt apology would gain you some ground.
I don’t see anything wrong with your DIL or how she reacts to you. I certainly get miffed when someone, or TWO someones, drop in at dinner time. How rude! I wouldn’t have offered you anything either.
PG-13 is PG-13 and not just PG for a reason. So yes, in some people’s eyes, PG-13 is not appropriate for a 6 year old.
Seems to me that if spending time with your grandchildren REALLY matters to you, you would bring them home on time, and not feed them candy. You are still trying to be in control. Until you stop that, nothing is going to change.