To start, he says that since he didn't give her life that he can't be her father. That's right, but there is a difference in a father and a dad. I know lots of fathers that don't act like a dad, and lots of dad's that didn't father the children they have but they love them like their own. Don't force the issue. Wait and see how your daughter reacts if you do get married.
I would be questioning if this is the "one". When I married my husband he loves my kids and said that whatever the kids feel comfortable with is fine with him. I would also question the patience. A father of 2 should be aware of what kids are like. It sounds a little to me that you both are wanting a partner. Please don't make a mistake and have to get divorce. I don't know you and don't know if you are, but truly think about it. Best of luck!
Angie,
A couple of your comments concern me or stick out as big questions. One, his patience is sometimes short! He shouldn't have an issue with patience with a five year old little girl and especially not your baby if he is serious about your relationship! How does he interact with his own children? Two, he doesn't want her to call him daddy because he's not! WHAT IS HE THINKING??? I am a step mom of two boys and I am honored and blessed when they call me mom. I have loved them from day one! Yes, they are a mess and yes we have to deal with the ex however, they are precious children that need love and compassion just as your little girl is wanting from your boyfriend. I certainly wouldn't want her to call him daddy if he was going to lose his patience BUT do you want to wonder when that will be if she would slip up and say "daddy" and he would be mean to her? Life is short and you and your daughter deserves to be happy! Pray hard about this relationship before you make some commitments that may hurt your daughter in the long run.(And then ultimately you)
I think that if he'd be comfortable with it IF he could feel like he wasn't being put in a position feeling like he's a liar, it could work. ... You guys could decide that "one day" - whether it is a particular age you decide on or whether you play it by ear & do it when you think it feels right - you plan to tell her that she had a father who didn't want to/you didn't want to (?) be her "daddy", but your now boyfriend stepped into the role as you all became a family, it would be good. ... Do you think he'd be willing to think about that? ... Seems like he's all set to play the daddy role, just doesn't want to mislabel himself & mislead your daughter. ... I think you're right, she probably does, at this point, think that if you marry, that will be her daddy. Just let him know that this isn't some deception you're trying to weave; it could be a good thing for all of you.
My "Daddy" came into my life when I was 2 years old and he has been in my life ever since. I don't know my biological father and it has never been a problem. He fathered 2 more children after me and now has 3 daughters. Your boyfriend's problem with being called daddy by your child might be because of his other children. If that is the case, then that needs to be discussed. The one really big issue for all to remember is there is always plenty of love to go around. The capacity for humans to love is unlimited. So he wouldn't love his biological children and less for loving, and adding, another one. Hope this helps.
I would accept his wishes and have her call him by his first name. Or you could agree on a special name (?) that she uses just with him, but since you are not married yet, and you've been in a 9 month relationship, it probably is very inappropriate for her to call him "Daddy". I wouldn't feel comfortable with it if I were him. If you two get married someday and he decides to officially adopt her, and wants to be called Daddy, then that would be the right thing to do in my opinion. Good luck!
Angie,
I would not push the issue with your boyfriend. It seams to me he is not ready for the responsibility of being the daddy. He may not be ready for that kind of a commitment. Having your daughter think of him as her daddy is a huge responsibility for him. If in the future you two get married then it's something you can address then but until then I'd think of something else for your daughter to call him. Also since your boyfriend is worried that he isn't her "biological" daddy tell him that makes absolutely no difference. If when you two get married he loves and cherishers her like a father should that is all that matters, blood is not the most important thing. I would however tell her at some point when she is older that he isn't her biological father. But if he is a good father to her it won't matter in the least.
There are a couple of problems, "red flags", that are here. The first being that he is a little short with your daughter because he is out of practice. I think it is like riding a bike- you may be a little wobbly at first but then it comes back to you. What kind of relationship does he have with his children?
Second: your BF is right- he is not her father. But if the 2 of you get married, he will assume the role of dad/daddy. It is a complete package. He should want to makea difference in her life and give her something she doesnt have. As to being "lied to", I think thats crazy. Though she may not understand completely now, you can tell her that he is her dad and not her father and reinterate that as she gets older. A father is basically a donor. A dad is the man who is there to hold your hand while walking across the road, holding back your hair when you're sick and tucking you in at night. It is more of an honor to be a dad. Sounds like maybe he doesn't want that title. It does take a special man to be a daddy.
Have you discussed marriage as yet? How does he see himself in regards to discipline and every day living with her?
Perhaps they need to spend some time together with out you. You can get a better feel for their feelings and the relationship they will have in the future. If he is against it then he's probably not the one.
Its not wrong to want a man to be called daddy- as long as both are comfortable with it. And its not too much to ask a man to take on that role- if thats what he wants. You need to really look at this relationship and see if he's just not comfortable with the name (then think of an alternative that would make them both happy- pops, duda, dadski), or if he's just not comfortable with her because she's not his, and he's not interested in raising another child (and if thats the case then you need to decide if this relationship is worth it).
if shes not asking about calling him daddy then dont worry about it. i think hes being a moron about this but thats just me lol. i have a 4 year old whos from another man then the one im with now and she has been calling my hunny daddy since she was 18 months old. he loves it he said she doesnt have to come from my loin for me to know shes my little girl. (thats a real man) hard to find. but if shes not asking to call him daddy dont sweat it. it seems that youre looking for a "daddy" for her which i totally understand but daddy is just a name it will work its self out. as for the last statement i wouldnt expect her to call him daddy that just seems kinda forced.
ps i wanted to add shes too young to understand what bilogical means yes but shes not too young to understand that she has a daddy whos not there. trust me i went through this at 3 with emilie. she was asking about a pic she found of me and her dad she asked where he was i said he was gone and she asked who he was i said he helped me make you. and she asked a few questions which i answered. but shes not to young to knwo the truth. does she just think she fell out of the sky or does she know she has a dad at all? good luck!
You need to soul search this relationship. If a boyfriend has issues with your five year old daughter maybe he is not right for you and her. Could he has older children and doesn't want to start over or does he just not want to be involved with your daughter. This is a harsh truth; but if he is going to marry you it should not matter what the daughter calls him especially with her circumstances of not ever having a father. It should be and honor to him for her to want to call him Daddy. Be careful as you pursue this relationship.
Is this guy interested in anything more than what he has with you now? Would he ever commit to more? Since his children are older, is he one of those people who are "done" being a parent? Some do not want anymore children after having children in the teen years or older. I would want to know the answers to these questions, because if you want a permanent relationship, no doubt you want it with someone who you could trust to treat your child well and someone who is interseted in being "daddy" to this virtually fatherless child. It takes a special kind of guy to raise a child who is not his biological child so you will need to know if he is that kind of guy. It would be very heartbreaking to be in a permanent relationship with someone who would cast your child aside because she is not his biological child. Although you have been in this relationship less than a year, a man should not be involved in the first place if this is not the type of relationship he wants to pursue permanently. I hope you are able to investigate this matter further and get the answers you need to make a good decision.
Have you talked about marriage and is it in the future?? if yes then, I personally think that as long as she knows he is not her biological father and as she gets older and understands more you explain the situation to her that she should call him Daddy if that is what she wants and he is okay with it. If he is totally against it you may be fighting a losing battle and you may want to reconsider if he is the guy for you and yor daughter. Try to make him comfortable with it by explaining to him that she wants to call him Daddy because he has been that special man for both her and you and that he had fullfilled that roll in her life. Also let him know that she will always know where she came from, and that he will never be her father, but her Daddy.....there is a big difference.
My husband calls his step-father Dad. He knows he is not his real father and he is in contact with his biological father, but his step-father was the man he grew up with who was his Dad and that is who gets that title and all the love and relationship that goes with it.
NO!! I don't think you are asking for to much!
I hope all works out for you and your family.
It is absolutely not too much to ask. I am getting married tomorrow and my fiance will be adopting my son who is 6. My son has never known his father and is very excited about getting a daddy. He is also very aware of the situation and refuses to call my fiance daddy until tomorrow. It is really kind of cute. I just think that maybe you should really sit down and talk about it to see if the problem is deeper than what he is saying out loud. I can't imagine anyone who loves you enough to marry you not wanting to give your little girl a whole family.
You really have to respect the fact that he doesn't want to be called "Daddy" because with that word comes a lot of responsibility. My first husband and I split when my youngest son was 10 mo. old any my oldest was 3. I remarried when they were 3 and 6. However my situation is different their dad is a big part of their life. However I sometimes have this problem with my current husband thinking that since he has been with my boys since they were little he does sometimes need to qualify as the "other" daddy in their lives. Let me tell you I now have a 14 and 11 year old, that is going over like a box of rocks. I to have a step dad, I have not seen or heard from my biological father since I was 13, to my friends my step dad is my daddy, he has done all the things that a "Daddy" does but there is now and will always be that void of not having one. I think that there is a saying that any man can "Father" a child but it takes a special man to be a "Daddy". I am sure if you are planning to marry this man he is very special in your life and your daughter has every right to want a "Daddy" as I am sure all or some of her friends talk about how great their dads are. Every little girl wants to be "Daddy's little princess", but it is really quite frustrating when a man is able to take that away, I am glad that it is not that easy for a woman to let go. I sometimes wonder how men do it. I hope this helps I kinda babbled on as this is a subject that is very close to my heart! God bless
If I had a young child I wouldn't marry anyone that wouldn't let my child call them Dad. I think he should love her just as much as he loves you. I know several step parents who are proud to call their stepchildren there son or daughter without using the step word. I don't think that is fair to your baby. Perhaps her calling him Daddy makes him uncomfortable because he is not as serious about the realtionship as you are. I could be wrong but you have to protect your daughters feelings.
I know this is short and sweet, but I had a friend that had bumper sticker that she kept pinned on the visor of her car and it read: Anyone can be a father, but it takes someones special to be a daddy" Her children had a stepfather.
~Heidi
As I write this you have 35 responses! Not sure if you need mine but here goes! I would first evaluate this relationship. I agree with several of the people so no need to duplicate. He is a tad self-centered and immature. There are men out there that would be proud and honored for the child to think of calling him 'Daddy'. If he cares at all or understands children, he would realize that it is important to have a loving role model as a dad. I would try to take a step back and look at him as a father to the his children. Has he been active in their lives? How has he treated them? Has he just been a baby daddy? Does he not support them, financially or emotionally? Examine the situation without emotion on your part and see if this is really the right man for you to be bringing into YOUR family situation. Think of your children and the effects of this man's thinking on them. I realize it is hard when you are in love with someone, but truly what are the reasons he is there? Is he a family man or does he just feel comfortable with what you can give him.
Please for the sake of the children, think twice about this!
just because he didn't "give her life", doesn't mean he can't be her daddy. donating sperm doesn't make you a father anyway. my husband is not my 9 year old son's biological dad, his is deceased, and he often calls him dad because he's known him since he was 2. i never pushed him to call my husband dad, and always explained to him who his "real" dad was. my husband has been a dad to him in every sense of the word and it makes him so happy when my son tells people that's "his dad". it sounds as if your guy has some issues, and i don't mean for that to sound rude. maybe he's scared of getting attached to her. either way, she doesn't have to feel "lied to" as long as you guys are honest with her, when she's old enough to understand. hope ya'll can work something out! take care!
I totally agree with Elaine L. I would be concerned about his lack of patience with your daughter. That could very well be a real indication of how he truly feels. She might be just someone that he has to put up with while he's in a relationship with you. Has he mentioned marriage, or is that something that you have brought up? Have the two of you discussed honestly where you would like for the relationship to go in the future? My brother married a woman with five year old twins. They had a biological father that they didn't see very often, and didn't really have a good relationship with. They began calling my brother Daddy on the wedding day, and he was thrilled. He adopted them at the age of 8. They are now 22, and people that don't know the history would never guess that they aren't his biological children. He loves them in the same way that I love my biological children. I realize that it's hard to be a single Mom, and you may really care about this guy. But if you don't want the same things for your future, you're wasting precious time with someone that's not good for you or your daughter. You have every right to expect that someone that you marry would not only be willing, but want to be a Daddy to your daughter. Your daughter deserves to have a Mother that will make choices that are good for you both. Good luck!
Not to be ugly but sounds to me like you need to get rid of the man. If he is that set on NOT being her daddy, you don't need him or want him around her anyway. You need someone that is loving and caring and who is proud to be her daddy.
First of all it won't be lying to her. She would know from day one that he is not her real dad and if she asked questions you would answer them to the best of your ability.
Anyone can be a father but it takes a REAL man to be a daddy.
FIND A NEW MAN. I don't like the sound of that one already, sounds like a jerk to me. I have had those jerks... I can spot one from 100 miles away.