I am divorced from my 8 and 9 year old children's father. When we were married, I was always the one to plan the parties anyway, so that just carried over when we got divorced.
I know it may be hard for you to be around their father but I think for the sake of your children, you two might want to come to a truce when it comes to your kids. Here is what I suggest: Take turns planning their birthday parties. On even years, you can plan. On odd years, he can plan. If you have it at a "neutral" place (meaning not your homes) the other parent can attend. You don't have to talk to each other. You are there for the kids.
I don't particularly like hanging out with my ex, but we both attend parent meetings and shows and games for the kids. I will NOT stay away just because I don't like him. And it is good for the kids to have both their parents available.
Because he is the father of your children and apparently wants to be involved, you will have to deal with him until your kids are adults and beyond. It's better to establish respectable communication rules now so your kids will get the benefit of both their mom and dad.
2 parties for each birthday seems excessive-- Can you make an agreement to alternate turns to throw the party, and on the off years just go out to eat &/or do some small fun thing, like going to the zoo?
Too bad you and your x-husband can't handle being around each other for 1 important day for your children. I don't know the situation, but unless he was/is abusive or something like that, you both need to suck it up and do what is best for your kids. It is, after all, 1 day, their day. Good luck.
I would say there are a couple ways of doing the party.
First, with triplets you could split it up into three parties, one for each kid with just a few of their closest friends close to the kid's birthday (like in the order they were born) trading off who throws what party (it would also be a nice option as they grow so they get individual attention and it would be less confusing for their friends) but on the actually birthday split the day in half- and have it just you and the kids in the morning, and him with the kids at night.
So option two- each of you throw a totally different kind of party, he can do school friends, you can do sports friends or one can be family and the other just friends (like with my ex his family is all in another state while mine is mostly local) again leaving the actual birthday day to split. Like one of the other moms suggested, different themes, like one can be a pool party or rent a bouncy area party and the other can have a campout/sleepover party.
I know it can be hard to handle this- for DD 2nd birthday I had a big party planned when my ex moved out and threw a hissy fit about having the day with her (when he'd been living 2,000 miles away and only seen her like 4 times in the past year) so I told him he was welcome to come but I wasn't changing the party. He refused so our compromise was he got to have her in the morning while I was putting the party together and wouldn't have been able to give her all my attention anyway.
Since then he has mellowed and we now are amicable about splitting holidays and parties and whatnot- we actually now attend parties together that she's invited to, so I would try to suggest it and work it out because in the long run you'll both be losers if you don't get to be with your kids for all their holidays and birthdays.
hugs It will get better and happy birthday to your kids!
If you both intend on inviting their friends from school, then you should take turns. He can have his party this year and you have it next year. You can still have a family party for him if you like. Remember your child always has priority over any ill feelings that the two of you may for each other. It's not your children's fault, so it's best not to put them in the middle of anymore feuding.I truly hope the two of you can come to an agreement.
Yes, you can throw a party together. Start with unclaimed territory like a park, not your houses, and learn to get along now. Your children will thank you.
Any mother of triplets has my deepest respect for making it out of the infant stage fully intact.
We had this same issue and what we decided is to rotate years planning the parties. It works out, but of course it is a bummer when it is your "off year." So one year my step-daugher's mom will plan the party and my husband (dad) and I (step-mom) will have her on her real birthday and have a family birthday party. Then the other year we plan the "friend" party and her mom will have her on her real birthday for the "family" party. It is the best solution (for us) to a sticky situation. Let me know if you have any questions.
If you both are wanting to throw the BIG party, maybe consider alternating years. One throws the big party including class mates, the other throws the small family only party. My ex's family is HUGE, so I let him throw the big one. Then my husband and I have a special party thats more memorable, with our immedaite families.
If you can't throw a party together, then the only suggestion I have is to switch off years. One year you give the party and he takes the girls for a special outing for their birthday. Next year, vice-vera. Or, if you both really want to give a party, then one year the school friends are invited to your party, and the next year they are invited to his party. the one who doesn't have the school friends can still have neighborhood children and relatives of that particular side of the family. I personally don't believe they should be in the habit of having two parties.
Maybe you can have the party on the same day at the same venue and just split the day, one parent can have the party for the first two hours or whatever time and then the same for the other parent, that way each of you can still haave the party you want, with your own guest. I a had a friend with a similar problem and this worked for them.
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The best bet is to talk to each other and work it out if you don't want to do it together. You should not have to. Your Divorced!!! You don't have to have Christmas together or Thanksgiving. Why birthdays!!! School events and sports are totoly different you should go. Everything is workable. If one wants to throw a big party then do it. You throw the smaller one. Slumber party or something, anything. I am divorced and I throw one for my daughter and my ex throws one. His ex-wife does not want to be there at mine. We do get along and talk all the time. If she does not want it together then thats ok. Why should she have to. I want my ex to be happy because if his wife is not happy the whole house hold is not happy. My daughter visit the house. I just told my daughter its ok. If you seem ok and don't bad mouth. They are good. . My husbands ex puts their kids in the middle and hurts them. When they argue on the phone or text she lets them know their dad is mean and lets them read their text. He cannot text her when kids are there anymore at there moms now. His kids ingor their dad and me when we run into them or go to school functions when mom has them. It is very unconfortable for them. Make it clear to the kids now and not confuse them, so every year they know what to expect. No family function together!!
My daughter is good. Cause we put her first and don't argue about it. My husbands kids are angry cause she puts them in the middle. Think about your actions.
I’m sorry, but I feel I should make a comment here as a divorced parent. It seems like many of these comments aren’t from people that have been divorced. Or at least divorced with small children. Put aside your differences? Excuse me- but seriously? I would love to live in that world, I do everything everyday to live up to that. But it’s not as easy as in-divorced people imagine it. You got divorced for a reason, so obviously there was a problem. I don’t like the stereotype blame that it takes two people to make a divorced couple a reality. It takes two people to make a marriage reality- the other way around.
I have always thrown huge birthday parties for our son, especially since he has social problems and his mom isn’t really social. I totally go all out. Now, in his 10th year, she decided to throw him a party and tells him not to invite certain friends to the one big party I give him each year. I think that is horrible. I always get someone to help me set up and manage all the kids, and I’ve invited his Mom and her family to every previous one each year (The Mom comes). This year when she told me she was going to throw him a party, I offered to combine it. That didn’t happen. I’m still trying to figure out what to do. So sorry if this was lashing out, its a sensitive issue right now- sometimes a child’s other parent doesn’t have the frame of mind of putting differences aside. So it’s not exactly a flowery successful answer…
Updated
I’m sorry, but I feel I should make a comment here as a divorced parent. It seems like many of these comments aren’t from people that have been divorced. Or at least divorced with small children. Put aside your differences? Excuse me- but seriously? I would love to live in that world, I do everything everyday to live up to that. But it’s not as easy as in-divorced people imagine it. You got divorced for a reason, so obviously there was a problem. I don’t like the stereotype blame that it takes two people to make a divorced couple a reality. It takes two people to make a marriage reality- the other way around.
I have always thrown huge birthday parties for our son, especially since he has social problems and his mom isn’t really social. I totally go all out. Now, in his 10th year, she decided to throw him a party and tells him not to invite certain friends to the one big party I give him each year. I think that is horrible. I always get someone to help me set up and manage all the kids, and I’ve invited his Mom and her family to every previous one each year (The Mom comes). This year when she told me she was going to throw him a party, I offered to combine it. That didn’t happen. I’m still trying to figure out what to do. So sorry if this was lashing out, its a sensitive issue right now- sometimes a child’s other parent doesn’t have the frame of mind of putting differences aside. So it’s not exactly a flowery successful answer…
I just wanted to thank everyone for their advice and for sharing their personal experiences. I have decided to alternate years with my ex on the school/friends party and when it is not my year I will do something special with the children and my family. Fortunately my ex and I get along for the most part and we attend meetings, appointments and so on together. Thank’s again everyone, I needed the wisdom of others!