What Moms of Tween Boys Want You to Know...
Have you ever overheard the interactions between middle school boys and girls? It can be excruciating.
The girls try to seem important, grown up and flirty; which often leads to snickering, giggling, perhaps an insulting question or observation and whispering to their friends. The boys, meanwhile, seem awkward and rowdy, which leads to joking and goofing around with the other boys around them. It seems impossible for boys and girls to have normal conversations. Watch any tween show on television and this is the typical portrayal, which many parents can attest mirrors actual scenes from middle school hallways.
Additionally, when something embarrassing or hurtful happens to a boy, they are conditioned not to show genuine emotion or (gasp!) express their feelings. I volunteered in the lunchroom at my daughter’s middle school once. There was a boy who was being silly at the table with his friends, waving a plastic water bottle around and pretending that he might squirt it. One of his friends grabbed the bottle and threw it back at him, hitting him square in the eye. It was so unexpected and happened so quickly that the boy instinctively started to cry. Thankfully, a nearby teachers’ aide went over and created enough of a distraction to allow this boy to collect himself. Then, he acted flippant about the incident, laughing and resuming goofy behavior with the boys. It was apparent he was still in pain, but he was not about to let anyone know this.
Later, when I asked my daughter how he was the rest of the day, she said, “oh he didn’t care about that, he was totally fine – he thought it was funny.”
This whole scenario disturbed me. I understand that no kid that age wants to sit and cry, sharing his feelings about what just happened. But I realized in talking to my own tween daughter, that girls generally believe boys their age don’t care much about what happens to them and don’t have many feelings.
Once I had this realization, I began to observe this among the tweens at school in order to confirm my suspicions. I also talked to friends about it. Being the mom of a girl, I felt unqualified to speak to what tween boys are like underneath their often silly shell. But I felt strongly about wanting to bridge the gap between how boys are perceived, and how they actually are.
Who better to ask than the moms of tween boys? So I posed the following question to moms of boys: “What do you wish that moms of girls would know about your son?”
There’s more to goofiness than meets the eye. Let’s face it, many tween boys often appear goofy and silly and most moms confirmed this! For many boys it is much easier and safer to express this side of themselves than to show their compassionate sides. Most moms felt their boys are able to show their true personalities at home; a complex mix of sensitivity, kindness, and yes, silliness. But some go to school and stay quiet; preferring to fly under the radar. For more outgoing boys, the complexities still exist, but they know that showing a soft side to their peers is asking for trouble, so they put their best goofy foot forward in an almost protective way.
Society makes it okay to treat boys as if they have no feelings. I’ve seen more than a few plots on different sitcoms which involve a wife or girlfriend being touched when her husband or boyfriend cries, but then, when the crying is repeated, she is suddenly embarrassed and horrified. In our society, we are simply uncomfortable with the emotions of boys and men. Being around sports, I have heard parents brag about their son: “he got tackled so hard and was bleeding, but he didn’t even cry!” Rewarding a young boy for suppressing his emotions makes me crazy, but it is commonplace.
So on one hand, we have a society that teaches boys to not express feelings, and on the other hand, we don’t teach girls to treat boys with the same sensitivity we expect for them. The most frequent example brought up – one I have seen as well – is when a boy likes a girl. While it’s totally normal to be awkward at this age, many moms of girls have failed to teach their daughters how to let a boy down easy. Having volunteered at middle school dances I have witnessed boys who ask girls to dance only to be met with fake gags and screeching while running to their friends. I have had to suppress the urge to pelt these girls with gummy bears as I watched the embarrassed boys return to their friends acting as if this was no big deal. Girls have learned that they can say just about whatever they want to a boy, and he will show little to no reaction.
Moms know how they really feel. Most moms said that when their son is upset they either withdraw, shut down, hold in feelings, retreat, or internalize their feelings. Many moms said almost the same thing: “he will go to the ends of the earth to pretend everything is okay.” What I loved is that the moms could see clearly that their son was indeed upset about something. And they had all figured out some way of helping him manage his emotions by giving him space or knowing the right thing to say. I was so impressed to hear that eventually some of the boys do let their parents know what is upsetting them. Even when goofiness can be the face they show to the world, moms of boys want you to know that they see their real sons at home. And that if your daughter hurt his feelings, there’s a good chance mom will hear about it later.
Boys are going through many of the same things as girls. So much attention is focused on girls and their hormonal changes, puberty, emotional trials, and challenging friendship issues. There are obvious differences in puberty, and moms of boys point out that it’s much more common to hear people talk about how if affects girls. There are commercials normalizing it for girls, but nothing about the changes in boys. Couple this with the fact that women tend to be more communicative than boys, and the topic of puberty in boys quickly goes underground. Girls hear their moms talk about just about everything with their friends, and girls often talk more easily to their moms about these matters. You don’t generally hear men sharing stories of puberty with other men (“let me tell you about when I sprouted hair, and where…”). And many men are uncomfortable talking with their sons about the topic. But the fact remains, they are going through often confusing changes… just like girls.
They are also trying to find their way in school, and the world, just like girls. These moms would love girls to give their sons the same amount of individual consideration that they would like to receive. A lot of moms felt that girls are perceived as going through a lot during the tween years, and they hope moms of girls realize that boys are going through things too – they just have a different way of showing it (or trying not to show it).
It was so interesting to me to read through the thoughts that moms of tween boys shared with me. I was fascinated that they had so many views in common. And there was something else that they had in common, something that was missing from their answers – anger and frustration about how mean girls can be. Maybe as the mom of a girl, I feel responsible for the mistreatment that can be perpetrated against boys. Regardless, I am very impressed that these moms did not focus on what girls should or should not do – they are too busy focusing on raising fine young men.
I could write an entire piece on what to teach girls, but I think you already know, and it boils down to this: be nice!
As parents of girls, we need to talk about boys in categories with your daughter; what to do if a boy likes her and she doesn’t like him, how to show empathy for a boy who doesn’t seem upset but had something upsetting happen, and most importantly, that even though boys don’t often show their feelings, they do have them and they deserve to be considered.
Debi Smith-Racanelli has earned her Bachelor’s Degree in Human Services, a Master’s Degree in Psychology, and completed advanced graduate studies in psychology and gender studies. She has clinical experience in counseling settings and non-profits, where she has come to appreciate the importance of effective parenting, and is a passionate advocate of parenting education. Her new book, Between Baby Dolls and Boyfriends, is a comprehensive guide to raising happy, healthy tween girls. Connect with her on her blog or on Twitter.