Photo by: Christopher Thomas

Tips for Stressed Out Moms

by Gila Brown
Photo by: Christopher Thomas

The sentiment among my most recent clients has been the same. Mom is overwhelmed. Moms are waking up early, getting the laundry started, struggling to get the kids dressed and out the door, staying home with little ones, worrying, planning meals, preparing meals, cleaning the house, worrying, entertaining kids, refereeing fights, facilitating bath and bed routines, worrying, quickly checking e-mails and then doing it all over again the next day. This frenzied schedule leaves moms feeling overwhelmed, alone and unsupported. One mom shared that she is angry with her husband from the moment he walks in the door, simply because he’s been gone all day at work.

If you belong to the group of stressed out, over-extended moms, here are some tips to help ease you through the mothering frenzy.

Get a Mother’s Helper

A mother’s helper is a responsible, local 10-15 year-old kid, who is willing to pitch in. For a few dollars an hour, a mother’s helper comes over a few hours a week, while you are home, to be with your kids. This gives you some time to focus on your own things, knowing that your kids are close by and being supervised. To find a mother’s helper, consider contacting local schools or talking to neighbors. Make sure to invite your helper over for an initial introduction visit. You need to make sure that you are comfortable with this person, but also that your kids are just as comfortable. You might need to try out a few helpers to get a really good fit.

Make use of your older kids

Once kids are about 5 years old, they are perfectly capable of pitching in. However, if housekeeping becomes a series of forced chores, you are certain to encounter on-going power struggles. The good news is that kids do like to be able to help. They like to feel that they have something to contribute. The key is that they not be forced into helping. Consider sitting down as a family to discuss housekeeping. Together, create a list of all the things that need to get done in a typical week. Allow kids to chose which chores they would like to be responsible for. Give them ownership over those chores. Know that there will be days or weeks when the chores are neglected. But, remember, the minute chores become requirements is the minute kids lose interest and the power struggle begins.

Take care of Mom

We can’t give what we don’t have. When we neglect taking care of ourselves, we diminish what we are able to truly give to those around us. Typically, moms put taking care of others ahead of taking care of themselves. Ask yourself what would make you feel really good and peaceful. Taking a bath? A girl’s night out? An hour of quite reading each night before bed? Take some time to identify what you would truly need to in order to be able to feel more at ease. Once you have an idea of what you need, make that a priority. Communicate to your family members how important it is that Mom gets this time to take care of herself. Get help from your kids, your husband or hired help, but do not neglect yourself. You aren’t doing anyone any favors. You will be able to be so much more present with your kids if you also take care of yourself.

Ultimately, taking care of Mom results in taking better care of the family. Be honest about what you need and make it happen. Life is just too short not to.

Gila Brown, M.A. is a Child Development Expert and Parent Coach, with over 10 years of teaching experience. She specializes in parenting school-age children with grace, using principles of attachment parenting, positive discipline and effective communication. Visit Gila Brown to sign up for a free newsletter.

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51 Comments

It may sound cheesy, but I have found that my stress-level and feeling of joy amidst the daily chaos is so much more a mental battle than a circumstantial one. The seemingly counter-intuitive piece of the puzzle for me, is that the more "me-time" I feel I'm "entitled" to, the harder it is for me to enjoy my day-to-day responsibilities. We do need breaks, we do need a change of pace every once in a while, but if we're living for the next break, our current moment is really hard to enjoy...

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I know what it is like to be stressed out!! I have 4 kids!! Our oldest with Aspergers ( High Functioning Autism ), ADHD & Anxiety!! 2 others not officially diagnosed with Aspergers!! The meltdowns are the hardest to deal with!!

Having been a working mother, if I had to do it all over again, I would probably have tried to make do with less. But with 2 steps-sons and our newborn son just 2 weeks old, I had some educational benefits to use and went to grad school. Of course, expectations were that I would not waste that big, fancy degree once I had it, right?

My son and step-sons are grown now...

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Back in the old days, extended families lived together. Grandma had a room in the house and was there to help watch kids. Kids lived next door to uncles/aunts/cousins so there were others who could play a game of catch or take them fishing. In these modern days, with isolated nuclear families, more and more responsibility falls solely on the parents' shoulders. Over-scheduled children are part of the problem. All parents should read, "The Hurried Child," by Dr. David Elkind...

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Love this article! We totally agree with the need to delegate and practice good self care. Along these lines we recently did a webinar for a group of childcare centers (through CAPPA) on reducing and coping with stress. We drew up a long list of ideas for nurturing yourself which you can find here:

http://www.earthskids.com/innerbalance.aspx

One more tool we strongly recommend: learning some form of meditation or related relaxation technique...

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Way to go, Buddy! People (including HUSBANDS!) will walk on you if you ALLOW it. And it's not babysitting your own kids, it's called being a dad.

My advice is to be sure to take time for yourself each day: read, take a walk, eat right, whatever makes you feel loved, do it for yourself. Love on you so that you can love on your kids.

EVERYONE in the house needs to help make the house run, not just Mom. If you end up doing more than your husband because he works outside the home, fine...

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Geez, did I just step into a time machine? What about us overwhelmed moms who are the primary financial support for our families AND juggle meals, laundry, etc.?

i have a 3 year old and 'overwhelmed" and "unsupported" has been the words since i shifted to charlotte from india. I had to leave my job ,and be in a country where u have to do everything on your own from laundry to cooking and taking care of the kid unlike in india where i had help for all of the above. My life changed completely ...it took me a year to get use to it.

I have an older child to help but all she does is fight with her sisters and helps out very little. I'm more than stressed out. I take care of my MIL,who lives with us, three dds, and a dh who just had knee surgery on top of taking care of the house, bills, etc., if anybody knows of some better relief cause none of these work for me.

I AM A DIVORCED SINGLE MOM AND MY KIDS ARE MAD AT ME ABOUT THE DIVORCE THEY WONT HELP ME I DO IT ALL AND NO ONE HELPS IN FACT MY FAMILY AND NEIGHBORS MOCK ME FOR BEING DIVORCED IN FACT I HAVE MY FAITH AND MY KIDS TO HELP ME THATS IT( ONCE IN A BLUE MOON THEY HELP) I DONT HAVE CASH FOR A MOTHERS HELPER AND NOONE AROUND HERE WOULD HELP , EITHER

Have some wine or a cocktail while cooking and cleaning etc. and put on some music. I also have my teen daughter and her friend do my house cleaning at their leisure on a weekend (about 4 hours worth every 2-3 months)they get to be together, sleep over, and get paid a little money too. It's a win situation for everyone and my hard working hubby thinks it is great too. Everyone is happy.

I am experiencing that feeling right now. I cannot believe how alone you feel when you have a job a husband and kids. You try to make sure everyone else has their time but you dont even know where to begin to give you that time. you think the world will fall apart if you arent there. How do you identifie what it is that you need? All these options just dont seem like they will help. My days off are more busy then my days on and I dont know what having fun is like any more...

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Flylady.net is an AWESOME sight that breaks everything down into baby steps-from organizing your home to making routines that will work with your schedule. It is free and has changed my life.

I just want all my fellow "stressed" out mommies to know that I completely empathize with you! And to all the mommies that feel under appreciated, over worked, and unsupported you need to know that you're an amazing mom! Sorry to hear that your husbands don't give you the support you need, but just hang in there and do the best you can for your kids...

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I fell apart after caring for my mother and 3 children under the age of 5 married to a doctor with a very demanding schedule. We finally had to seek some help. Mommy helper one day a week and a cleaning service once a month and my husband cutting back on his hours. I nearly killed myself with exhaustion and, believe me, no one was benefitting. Doing it all is not in everyone's best interest.

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