Photo by: Shario

The Grey Cloud of Mommy Guilt

Photo by: Shario

Nobody prepared me for this. It wasn’t in my What to Expect book, or in the public health pamphlets that I’d collected, my Mom hadn’t warned me and the women around me having babies hadn’t said a word. I was blindsided, left standing there in complete and utter astonishment as the waves washed over me and my stomach ached.

How was I ever going to live with this? Would it be there forever, now that my baby is here would this follow us around until the end of time? Surely not, No! It had to get better…it just had to.

Of all the things I was prepared to face having our children, I was completely oblivious to what lay ahead in the backpack of emotional baggage that comes with having children.

I knew there would be moments of joy, frustration, love, frustration, happiness and did I mention frustration?

Somewhere in the recesses of my mind I even knew while I could pretend I had it all together, I was really a floundering, bumbling baby idiot. Heck, I even knew that the sleep deprivation was to blame for the diaper cream in the freezer and the Miracle whip in the nursery. I didn’t know though, that what would shadow me through my days and my activities, regardless of space and time would be what I’d like to call the storm cloud of Mommy Guilt.

Oh, if you’re a Mommy (or a Daddy, but let’s face it, I’ve got Mommy parts so I’m speakin’ from the ovaries) you know what I’m talking about. You will have at some time or another been smacked upside the head, or hip checked into the boards by a huge, attitude blaring version of Mommy Guilt. She’s a tricky piece of work and to be honest I’d like to see her tossed from the game, permanently but try as I might, I can’t seem to manage to earn her more than a 10 minute misconduct before she’s back on the ice and ready to fight.

I started out on this road to parenthood with all sorts of ideals.

BB – Before Baby, I would look around me and judge in that typical, young, single woman way, “Look at how she’s let herself go! She had that baby 6 weeks ago, I can’t believe she’s not back into her jeans yet?!” This of course was kept to myself and if I could hop into a time machine and clobber my BB self I would, if only I knew then…

I used to tell my husband, while pregnant with our first and rapidly gaining weight (I packed on 60 lbs that was an emotional and physical roller coaster before and after. But my weight issues, the ones that have been there since I was 13 are a topic for another day) that once the baby was born I’d have no problem leaving him/her with my husband 3 nights a week to spend 2 hours in the gym turning myself into Tyra Banks.

The fact that I didn’t have that body before and I was short about 5 inches didn’t register, I was flying high on idealism.

Fast forward to 6 weeks after my daughter was born. I was exhausted, still carrying most of the baby weight and miserable. So, I took it upon myself to inform my husband that I needed to visit my gym. I packed the bag, I fed them each dinner and off I went, sort of. I made it all the way to my car, in the driveway, before I burst into tears.

I called my Mom and said pretty much this “Hi How can I possibly leave them behind. She’s my baby and I’m going to be gone for an hour or two and she won’t know me and she’ll hate me forever. She’s my responsibility, Corey worked all day, I’m a terrible person and she’ll never forgive me and I can’t do this. I’m going to sew myself to her side for the rest of her life and I’ll never ever let her go. I can’t leave; I’m not going to leave. I’M A BAD MOOOOOOM

If you know me then you’ll know that this was said at auctioneer speeds, while doing “the ugly cry” and wiping the snot from my face with a wilted tissue. It was awesome, and when I say awesome I mean horrible.

The Mommy Guilt had overwhelmed my excessively emotional soul and left me beside myself.

I did go to the gym that night, my Mom talked me off the proverbial edge and I did fine. I didn’t however go again, because I couldn’t stand to leave her. I found other ways to be active, but I struggled with the idea of letting her go.

MG has cropped up over the years on many occasions, the first time she pointed to something in a store and I said no (we have a firm rule in our house, don’t ask for a toy/candy/treat in a store because the answer will be NO. Treats are just that, something given but not asked for, I won’t let me kids have the gimmies. Sounds great, enforcing it is heartbreaking, but well worth it), the first time my husband and I spent the night away, the day I brought our second daughter home from the hospital and had to tell my big girl she needed to wait for something.

Some days Mommy Guilt is harder to face than others, but it’s always there. Over time I’ve learned to control it, to cry over it, to give into and, at times to value it. Yes, I said value it and no I don’t have a substance abuse problem, hear me out.

I’ve come to a conclusion about Mommy Guilt, it equals love.

If we didn’t love our kids we’d have no guilt over anything. If we didn’t love our kids, then saying no, going out, leaving them at daycare, wouldn’t feel bad, it would feel normal, like a relief, no biggie.

And before you go getting your panties in a knot—I know that MG hits different moms in different ways, and I’m not saying if you do or don’t feel it in a certain situation you don’t love your kids. I tend to be an emotional creature by nature (which is why I cry at the Johnson’s baby commercials and laugh until I pee at the Old Spice ones – “I’m on a horse” ha!) so for me the MG is in excess.

Trust me, I’m not sending any judgment out here at all. I am also not implying that there aren’t times when I walk out of the house to get groceries alone that I don’t sigh a big breath of relief because the day’s been crazy, the girls were driving me mental and if I had to put one more tushie into time out it was going to be mine.

Let’s be honest, I have those days; often. What I’m saying is that, whenever you feel your MG, it’s because you love ‘em. Just like when you kiss them 6 times just because you can’t stand how cute they are. Or how you find watching them sleep, playing a game or having a conversation with them entertaining, enjoyable even. Because Mommy Guilt doesn’t come alone, it’s part of a packaged deal. With love, joy, sorrow, laughter and tears comes a gigantic dollop of Mommy Guilt, but it’s okay.

If you’ve been at this game for a while, maybe even decades you’ve learned to face your MG and deal. If you’re just starting out then you know, like I do that it’s all encompassing sometimes. But take heart, it might not go away, it doesn’t even always get easier, but you get stronger.

Fight that battle to resist taking a break because Mommy Guilt is weighing you down, you need a break to be your best you, so take it. Say “No” when you have to and “Yes” when you can, remembering in the moments where there are tears and wails of disappointment, you’re teaching your children great and sometimes hard lessons. And as difficult as it is sometimes to believe, no matter how guilty you feel, your kids will grow to understand why you have to go, learn to listen to “No” (even if listening means also back talking, who knew that started at 3!) and love you no matter what.

So, look for your silver lining on the grey cloud of Mommy Guilt – because it doesn’t mean you’re “a BAD MOOOOM”, it means your children are loved and you, are doing a great job!

Ashley Stone is a SAHM, WAHM and a blogger on the side. She has 2 beautiful little girls who fill her life with love, joy and exhaustion!

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47 Comments

This article was amazing. I suffer from MG pretty much every day. I have been going to college since my oldest son was 2 years old. Even though I am finally almost finished I feel horrible when I have to do homework instead of watch a movie with my boys. This article made me feel so much better. Thank you!!!

OK--I'm going to buck the trend of responses here and say that I'm not plagued by MG much at all. I have 3 kids ages 7, 5, and 2. Maybe I don't suffer so much MG because I've been fortunate to care for them at home until I felt they were ready for a school environment (the 2-yr-old isn't in school yet). And, I don't think that because I don't have MG that I don't love my kids. That is, of course, not true. That said, I can certainly see how love leads to MG...

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I love your post it made we tear up, and that is to say how right you truly are. You mentioned, "But take heart, it might not go away, it doesn’t even always get easier, but you get stronger." And the last paragraph put all your thoughts together, sometimes I don't feel as though I can even get that out...

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Ashley eve in their 20's and 30's the mommy guilt is still there my youngest just went off to college and not only am I emptynesting. I am still MG about some of the things I did and said so to you I take my hat off while I go say no to the older ones those who are 20 and 30 for saying no I am not doing the Grandma thing tonight. Thank you and Bless YOu

Wow! That was exactly what I needed to hear. I have two children, work part time and have health issues (both with myself and my youngest) that are driving me insane. It's nice to know I'm not the only mom to feel guilty about pretty much everything. Thank you Ashley for posting this. I unfortunately did not have my mother around for help, but I did have wonderful friends to help and cry with. And I love the Old Spice guy too!

Thanks for the encouragement. My husband has never understood why I feel compelled to climb mountains for my kids or why I'm emotionally wrecked when they are disappointed (or I have to spank them). The other day, my daughter called to tell me she'd miss a campus-wide reward party if I didn't leave work and run home for her cello practice log. It was hard, but I told her she had to reap the consequences...

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What a wonderful article. Thank you for speaking up and letting women know that we all go through it. I've got teenagers and a kindergartner and my life is crazy and I know I don't live up to my own ideals. And then I remember that my mom was just as overwhelmed being a SAHM of seven and I turned out fine. And so will our kids. We tend to over parent our kids this generation and we need to remember that they are just fine and so are we.

This post, along with the comments, could not have come at a better time. I'm working on completing my clinicals/requirements for pediatric nurse practitioner (PNP) as well as beginning requisites for my clinical doctorate in PNP. Needless to say, I have been racked by guilt because my schooling/training takes time away from my 3 kids (ages 6 yrs, 4.5 yrs, and 19 months). I attempt to tame that monster by saying to myself 'it's a short time in the span of things, I won't be in school forever'...

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LOVED IT!!! Ashley you nailed it on every level. It made me cry, it made me laugh and it reminded me that we really are all the same; and want the same for our children. I'd like to think it (MG) gets easier, but know in my heart that it won't. I wouldn't have it any other way especially when I think of the bigger picture.

Thanks!

Mommy Guilt is so hard to deal with. I just stumbled upon this and am so thankful that you shared your story. I could go on forever but Thank you!!
www.strugglingdads.com

Very well written, but sad how deep into the article daycare seemed to be put on the same level as going to the gym- todays moms and dads are all too quick to drop their children off. . . Without guilt!

My wife and I, with a normal middle class inccome, are raising our eight children (they are all our- we are not a "blended family") and not one of them has ever seen the inside of a daycare Facility. Six still in school...

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Wow, thank you for this. I truely feel the MG today. I am a newley divorced mom to a wonderful 4 yr old boy and have to be away from him 10-15 days out of every month. He is sick and it is so scary letting my ex-husband take him when he was never around. I know I want my little boy to have a father so I encourage only happy thoughts concerning the situation. I know that God wanted me to see this because this story mentions strength and that is just what I have to have to deal with the MG...

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I have two children only 20 months apart. I have the MG for being a working mom, and it tears me up when I hear my 15 month-old son crying as I leave the daycare center. However, I do not feel MG for wanting to leave my kids and get out to do something for myself. I know that if I don't, I am miserable and then, so is everyone else in my house! When I get back, I appreciate my two little ones so much more...

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My mother just forwarded this article to me as she knew it would hit the spot and it does - Thanks, Mom! I have often thought that I was the only mother who struggled w/ MG especially since I now work full time and on weekends which means I am unable to attend soccer practices, games, help at school and the list goes on and on! It seriously tears me up inside because I so badly want to be there for all my children's milestones...

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I might as well own stock in MG. And I am just as guilty of Gramma Guilt. But on the plus side I find as a gramma I don't have to say no as much! My daughter is a single mom and she has gut wrenching MG. I have talked her down more than once! And the MG doesn't end with the kids when they are grown. I still go through it.

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