Photo by: Quinn Anya

Should We Worry about Over-Sharing?

by An Anonymous Mom
Photo by: Quinn Anya

I am a sharer. I admit it. I love facebook, twitter, blogs, Google groups…you name it…I’m on it. I love to come up with clever facebook status updates or seeing how some words on twitter will gain 5 more followers. I love to share photos of my kids, videos of their recitals, accounts of our trips and seek out advice about school issues when needed. My mom, my cousins, my in-laws and my high school friends are all on facebook and I love to see what they have to share. I got to see my cousin’s high school prom photos seconds after they were taken. We got to watch my husband’s cousin’s wedding from across the country the day after the nuptials. It all makes me happy.

But, there is a downside to sharing too much, apparently. It comes from almost all my close friends. Sure I have almost 400 friends on facebook, but they are not my closest friends. For some reason, I am in a circle of friends who despise facebook. They think there is a danger to sharing too much. They think I am putting my children at risk by posting their photos. They think I am violating their privacy if I speak up about an issue that their child was indirectly a part of (even without names). They think I share too much.

I try to explain it to them. They don’t understand or see how it can be rewarding. They think there is a danger in communicating with old boyfriends or old crushes from 25 years ago. They think there will be consequences someday to all this facebook stuff. They are the ones who send me articles about facebook privacy breaches or viruses that come from facebook with the big words in the subject line… “SEE?”

Some of these friends are actually on facebook, but they are not active. They have only joined to see what it’s all about, but actually only sign on maybe once a month. I tell them that they have to add friends in order to make it more fun, but even then they don’t get into it. Just yesterday I got a call from a good friend asking me to remove a photo from one of my albums that had our group holding champagne glasses before a fun night out. She said, “My elementary library teacher is one of my friends and I don’t want her to see THAT!”

My outward reaction was, “Of course, I’ll take it off. " But inside I was thinking, "Really? You’re 42 years old, out for an elegant night with friends, toasting champagne. We’re not dressed skankily, we’re not falling down drunk, we’re not part of a religious group that prohibits drinking, or recovering alcoholics. Why would you be worried about your library teacher’s reaction? I’m friends with my minister and my mother and my in-laws on facebook and I don’t worry that they see me with a glass of champagne.” But I don’t say that. But I do give her a facebook lesson. I tell her that my album settings are private (mostly to protect my friends’ privacy) and that her library teacher didn’t have access to it. I explain that she can remove a tag from herself anytime she wants to. But I still take off the photo. After all it was posted over a month ago and I think anyone who cared to see it has.

But now I wonder, do I have to check with every friend everytime I want to post something? Do I say before I take a photo, “If you don’t want this on facebook, please step out of the picture.”? I’m afraid if I do that there will be an awful lot of photos of me by myself! Do I not put pictures of my kids up with their friends, even though my settings are private?

They think the world is getting out of control with the over-sharing, but suddenly I feel like I’m being censored left and right and I have to hesitate before I share anything. Among the active members of my 400 facebook friends, I see those who share without regard for anything and their friends who comment on their photos and their status updates. I envy those people who get 25 comments on a great photo of their child, or an advice from 30 good friends over an issue they brought to the table. I envy those women who post, “Hey anyone who wants to swim, meet me at the pool in an hour” and then 10 comments later I see that they had an awesome time at the pool with a ton of friends…all from a facebook post. I see how it can be and how it should be. I am jealous of the freedom those people have.

I mentioned that to a friend of mine – about how easy it was to get a big group together – and her response was two-fold. First she said, “Why do people feel the need to share everything they are doing every minute of the day?” And then she said, “Doesn’t anyone pick up the phone anymore?”

How can I convince my friends to relax and enjoy our new ways of communicating? How can I show them that it’s ok to let people know what you are doing? That nothing bad is going to happen by being an open and friendly person? How do I let them know that it is safe and as private as you want it to be? That child predators are not choosing my children out of billions of photos on the Internet and somehow breaking into facebook to find out their names and addresses and coming to kidnap them? (I don’t have address or phone numbers on facebook). And that there is more of a chance of dying in a car accident than being kidnapped by a predator? If a predator is watching them, it’s not because of a photo of them blowing out candles on a birthday cake.

And that your elementary library teacher really doesn’t care that you grew up and now drink champagne.

An Anonymous Mom writes a candid, uncensored, on-line journal of a typical middle class mom. She has two daughters, a part time professional job, a hard working husband and she volunteers a ton. According to her, “We are over-scheduled and under-financed. . .Like I said. . .typical!!”

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54 Comments

Someone I know had posted something, I took as being to much info.I had told my daughter this and she agreed. I had told her at that time, that some things we just don't need to share. It's not that I don't want to know this info necessarily, I just feel it should be private for you very close friend not posted for the world to see.I told Kristin the same thing you had said,There very well could be conseguences someday for this Facebook Stuff...

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Oh thank heavens! It's GREAT to see that there is someone else out there like me. I was berated recently becuase "a person's niece" had posted her engagement on Facebook before telling her parents.I don't see that as being Facebook's fault - more like the niece for not getting her priorities in the right order.

It's the world we live in now. VERY different from how it used to be. I remember when it was unusual to have a phone at home - they were for businesses...

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I don't think it matters which way you tell all because they can bite you in the butt! For instance, I was a friend of this man at work and we were doing fine. I had said something when he told me that people were noticing what I do. I said that it wasn't any of their business. Wrong thing to say because at my review (he wasn't there) it was thrown in my face. Be careful what you say to others.

My 16 yr old felt my life was just getting boring lol.Get on FB Mom. I agreed even though sitting for a long period of time is no fun for me or my bum. When I started reconnecting with people I have not heard from in yrs, I started getting interested and excited. Started to stay on longer and longer...

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I love your article. I agree with you. I love facebook. I have friends and family scattered across the country so its an easy way to keep up with everyone. I think we live in a time where paranoia thrives. Yes I am aware that there are bad people out there, but I have to believe that most people are decent and are on the social sites for the same reason I am...

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I LOVE to post/read FB and blogs, too. I'm completely addicted! Do they need some decorum? Sure. Is there a chance that our safety is at risk? Possibly. But FB and blogs aren't the only places people need to beware of their surroundings. I think sharing too much can happen in "real" life, too. It's just that sometimes people feel less inhibited when they can hide behind a computer screen. I know that's true for me. There's the extreme of not being involved on these sites, too, and that's no fun...

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I think FB is great! I was able to re-connect w/ long lost friends, classmates and relatives. Just like you I love uploading photos as it is a way to share what happens in the past and present. I do filter what to share though. If there are pictures in swimming suits 2 pcs of my daughter and friends I set the privacy control who can access to it...

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Great article, however, you have to realize that Facebook has some of the best privacy setting available on the internet. You can very easily make lists of friends to limit the information that you are sharing to certain individuals. I think that many people who are worried about "oversharing information" don't fully understand how to adjust their privacy settings accordingly.

As a 43 year old working mom of a high schooler and a middle schooler, I love Facebook ... so does my 15 year old. I've pointed out to her what's not appropriate to share. I wouldn't care if an old teacher knows that I now enjoy a glass of cabernet, however, I would never share photo's of someone else's children without their permission. I know of people who do this, and even include identifying information...

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Nicely said......I agree with you 100% and I also agree that this world has become paranoid....so it's ok to go out with a group of friends and toast an occaision....out in public...but you can't take a picture of it. Well...anyone there can see the group...your all in public...so that's more private than taking a photo of it? I get confused with why some people seem to have such an issue with things...

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I like to share too, to a point of course. I do have one Facebook friend who shares way too much, from what she had at breakfast to everything about her current pregnancy. Trust me, it's too much. I think whatever a person feels comfortable with sharing should do so but think before you post a comment, or a picture. It's forever in cyberspace! I love to share photos of my son for family and friends who don't live near me and I like to share some stuff going on in my day...

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I love Facebook. I don't know what I would do without it. I think that some people DO absolutely go overboard with the posting of some things. But it's meant for people to stay in contact and to share with others your life. If other people don't like how you communicate with old friends or teachers or whatever, maybe you should rethink your friendship with them!

I'm not sure what this author doesn't understand about oversharing. If your friends are asking you not to mention them to others, *don't*. If sharing your life with your Facebook community takes a precendence to the preferences of friends, than maybe it's worth doing a little soul searching as to why putting all that out there is so important.

As someone who doesn't use these sites, I've noticed a couple of things...

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I agree with you completely except for the picture with champagne glasses. I am a public employee and I am really concerned about some of the recent court rulings concerning teachers and facebook. I would be upset if someone posted a picture of me with alcohol even though it is completely legal. There are many teachers who have lost their jobs because of an innocent picture. But I share pics of kids, my dog, and update my status religiously!

We have been to several workshops as teachers warning that pictures of drinking and other comments posted on Facebook accounts have gotten teachers fired from jobs and certificates revoked. I value my job too much to have a Facebook account for this reason, although I never drink or do anything illegal. My husband has an account and I must admit, it is nice to stay up to date with people through him but I doubt I will ever join up.

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