Photo by: Allure Star

Relax, the Adoption Home Study is Not So Bad

Photo by: Allure Star

When I was still a prospective adoptive parent, nothing intimidated me more than the state-mandated home study.

I remember my anxious preparations after our appointed social worker from the adoption agency called to set up our first home study visit. Andrew and I both arranged to take the morning off from work so we could meet her in our apartment.

Before she arrived, we scrubbed the apartment clean. Ludicrously clean, even cleaner than if my mom were coming to visit. Every surface had to be clear. Clear like our consciences.

We simply did not know what to expect. Would the social worker be looking to either “pass” or “fail” us?

My oil paintings covered every wall of our apartment and included sensuous nude portraits from one of my life painting classes. The portraits, so casually displayed on our walls amidst still lifes and landscapes, suddenly made me nervous. What if she found nude paintings offensive?

What if she found our home to be inappropriate for a child? I began to doubt myself, and I worried, worried, worried until finally I just took down the nudes, shoving the canvases under the bed, feeling a vague sense of self-betrayal.

This is one of the realities of adoption: you have to convince outside parties that you are qualified to be a parent. Is it fair? No. Life’s not fair. Sure, two fertile people can spend a night together and become parents, even if they are not ready to be parents.

You can point to thousands of parents who have borne children and say that they have strikes against them – they may be neglectful or abusive or plagued by addictions to alcohol or drugs, perhaps sufferers of very serious mental illness or a simple inability to commit to work or family, who knows, who cares, you can easily find a zillion examples of the unfairness of it all.

The fact is, when you are looking to adopt, someone is looking for the skeletons in your closet, which simply does not happen when you conceive naturally.

The day before our scheduled home study visit, Andrew and I had received our CANTS clearances (Child Abuse and Neglect Tracking System), a requirement for adopting parents. Seriously, why isn’t this clearance a requirement for all parents? How bizarre is it that having a child is a right for some and a privilege for others?

That being said, it surprised and relieved me to learn that nobody was expecting adoptive parents to be perfect. Yes, the adoption professionals were looking for skeletons in our closet, but it did not mean that we had to be Mr. and Mrs. Brady.

For example, Andrew and I were hesitant to acknowledge that we were still seeing a therapist due to the loss of Matthew. What if the adoption agency thought we were unstable? Hoping it would not be a black mark against us, we confessed.

Fine, good, just give us a letter from your counselor saying she believes you are emotionally available to be parents. So we did. An inconvenience, yes, and who knows what we would have done if our counselor had thought we were not capable, but that did not happen! So, it was okay to acknowledge that we were in therapy.

Then I admitted that I occasionally took Xanax on airplanes, because I was afraid of falling out of the sky. Fine, understandable, it was not a big deal.

As the adoption process continued, I realized that the agency knew we were human, with human needs and weaknesses, and whether or not I was afraid of flying did not determine what kind of parent I would be. Anyway, I got over my fear of flying before our adoption was finalized because we took so many plane trips.

The critical moment during the visit came when the social worker asked us how we resolve conflict. Andrew looked at her and deadpanned, “Swords at ten paces.” I glared at him. Why couldn’t he have said, “we talk it over and reach a compromise.” After a moment of stunned silence, the social worker let out a laugh.

Later in the evening after Sue’s visit, Andrew paced the apartment, looking for the sports section he had left lying on the bathroom floor.

“Carrie, where did you put the Trib?” he called impatiently.

“I don’t think I touched it,” I replied. And I really didn’t want to get up to look, since I was tucked under a blanket on the couch, half asleep.

After ten minutes of listening to Andrew slamming around in a futile effort to find the sports page, I got up and helped him look.

“Think, Carrie. Where is it? You were racing around cleaning up every room in this apartment before the home study visit. You made it look like nobody even lives here.”

“Babe, I swear I didn’t touch it.”

The next morning, as I heated up some water for oatmeal, I found it. I had hastily shoved the offending newspaper into the microwave with a dirty coffee cup as Sue Stewart rang the doorbell.

Sheepishly, I offered it to Andrew. He rolled it up and swatted me with it. “You swear you didn’t touch it, huh?” As he walked away, I saw a grin. A welcome sight those days.

Carrie is an artist and a writer living in Evanston. According to her, ‘I was actually trained to exercise the other half of my brain and worked for years in the Financial Services sector after receiving an MBA in Finance from Kellogg. But I had a change of brain after going through the harrowing process of adopting our daughter Katie, and I could no longer think in columns of numbers. I thought instead in splashes of color and shades of light and dark.’ When Katie was nearly a year old, Carrie left banking and started her own oil painting business, Artwork By Carrie. Working as an artist has allowed her to create a flexible schedule to spend more time with Katie and her second daughter, Annie Rose. Read her blog, Portrait of an Adoption.

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26 Comments

I truly understand the anxiety that was felt coming up to the homestudy. We too, cleaned the apartment from head to toe, even behind the frig; to find out that after three visits, they could have cared less. Now for the update of the homestudy, hopefully it will not be as painful.

Breathing easier now, just a little anxious about the update.

Very well put. I too obsessed about what the social worker would think, envisioning long, drawn-out question-answer sessions with me and my spouse and her taking in every not perfect detail of my house. Well, the home study was nothing like that - normal inspection around the house and fairly logical questions about our family histories, marriage, biological child and extended family...

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Glad to hear that it went well for you. In general, I think it usually does go well and most home assessors see adoptive (and foster) parents as human too. Unfortunately, I've also seen the other side, where they ding them for the slightest thing. That tainted my experience of working in child welfare and left the agency.

The adoption process is maddening. There are hundreds of things you do as biological parents that you have to think twice on as adoptive parents. Am I abiding by the child to parent ratio when I go to the pool. When my child is fussy with teething but doesn't have a fever can I give tylenol? Oh no, they fell and now have a bruise, will the state think I'm a bad parent. But it is worth it.

We went through a home study for foster parents once, which is similar to the adoption one. We were going to be foster parents for young children, which meant super-baby-proofing as well as a general safe environment. But it went fine. They're not out to get you. They really want you to pass. If you don't pass the first time, they let you fix the problems and try again. In fact, most people don't pass the first time for that one. They overlook some baby-proofing thing and have to fix it...

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It really is not that bad! I too worried and stressed but they are really just trying to place a child with people that are ready, willing and able to parent. Yes, they do know you are human and lived life before they met you. I would tell anyone, don't make yourself sick over the home study. You'll do fine.

ill tell you why I think adoptive parents are picked apart to test for parenting abilities...its because someone who doesnt see themselves as a fit parent is choosing YOU to raise their child. i am a birth parent and i did want to be sure that the parents i chose for my child were going to be able to give her more than i could...

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Having gone thru the adoption process six times and three homestudies, I can empathize the the author. Nothinng strikes terror in a prospective parents heart as the words homestudy and social worker. Thanks for writing about it and for the humor.I agree that natual parents should go thru some kind of screening before they can become parents. Thanks for the insite and good luck on your journey.
Blessings,
Debbie

I went through a home study in 1986 to adopt my son who will be 24 this week. How time flies!! I remember all the same feelings that Carrie is expressing here. I also remember the resentment of having to go through parenting classes, home study, etc and being subjected to what appeared to be whims from the social workers while all around me I saw clearly unfit parents having kids one after the other. I also remember cleaning my house from top to bottom to make it look like no one lived there...

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Haha...been there!...My house was immaculate before our home study....and home study..it's more like a life study on both of you! I was so relieved when it was all over and done. We now have two beautiful girls! Sometimes I forget that I actually didn't give birth to them. Good luck on your adoption journey.

Loved reading your piece and remembering our own adoption journey. My husband and I talked about how the 27 parenting classes the state required us to take over the course of several months should be required for everyone considering becoming a parent. They gave us a 3-binder manual that is an excellent parenting resource!

The adoption home study was not as daunting to us as the essays we each were required to write, describing our lives to date and what made us seek adoption...

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I have known several people that have adopted a child that have gone through the same thing you did to franticly clean and have a show room vs. a lived in home.Having been a foster parent and going through a lot to have our own 4 birth children, I learned that those agents want to know; like you learned that you do not live in filth,are going to have room not forced room for a child but esp. that you are adopting a child for all the right reasons not just for a show piece...

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I was hooked by the first few sentences regarding cleaning the house... cleaner than for a parental visit. LOL We lived on the beach in a very old, on it's last legs, cottage. Another words impossible to clean or keep clean. Other than food surfaces,kitchen/bathrom appliances, beds, I gave up after the first few months (we lived there for 15 years... I loved every messy minute of it). My husbands, circa 1890's grandparents would visit occasionally, usually unannounced...

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Carrie,

Being an adoptive parent of 2, it was so good to read your comments about parenting being a right for some & a privilege for others. My kids are older now (9 & 13) but I remember the paper trail & waiting in lines to have the notary notarized. And of course the homestudy & post-adoption studies. I considered it my labor. The end results were the happiest days of our lives!!!!
Thanks for your words. They ring true!!!

We are homestudy approved for domestic adoption and I agree that it wasn't the end of the world :) Our social worker was our biggest supporter and never showed any sort of judgement. The process taught us so much about ourselves as a couple and individuals and would be a neat workstudy for those looking to marry or already married! Congratulations on growing your family!

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