Reinstating Do-Overs
Remember ‘do-overs’? As kids, whenever a game was started, after just a few moves, someone would misstep and request a do-over.
Usually, this was a result of a misunderstanding of the general rules of the game.
Occasionally, requesting a do-over was sometimes misconstrued as cheating. This was based on the thinking that there is only one chance to get things right and that we should all be expected to make the right moves the first time around.
As adults, we’ve all experienced events that prove how unrealistic that plan actually is. So, I motion to reinstate the do-over option; not just for board games, but for the real life game of parenting.
A parent lives with the constant feeling that every move made just might cause irreparable damage: a voice raised unnecessarily; a punishment more severe than the crime; an oversight of something seemingly inconsequential, but of colossal importance to a little one. The guilt that accompanies these all-too-common missteps only makes matters worse.
Kids are some of the most resilient creatures on earth. Additionally, they want the love, admiration and attention of their parents, more than anything else. Which is to say, that they are extremely forgiving. This is very good news.
Next time you find the parent-in-you making a choice that you come to regret, do not fret. I authorize you to make use of a do-over — anytime.
Take a moment, consider the situation and try to identify the specific regrettable action. What do you wish you had done or said instead? Now, start talking. Because most kids are familiar with the lingo, the definition of a do-over won’t require much explanation.
It might go something like this.
“Honey, I raised my voice when you spilled juice all over the floor. I wish I hadn’t done that. Can we try that again?”
“The argument we had about your grades felt really bad and didn’t seem to get anything accomplished. I am feeling a lot calmer today. Can we try that again?”
“I was so angry when I found my cell phone in the toilet. Banishing you to your room for 6 months, though, seems a little harsh. Can we try something more reasonable?”
“You were so excited about that show on TV, but I was so busy making dinner that I didn’t give you my attention. Can you tell me now what it was all about?”
The best tools we have with our kids and with each other, are honesty and communication. Getting everything right the first time is a myth. Focus your attention on building a strong, trusting and compassionate relationship with your kids. If it takes a few tries, just use a do-over.
Gila Brown, M.A. is a Child Development Expert and Parent Coach, with over 15 years of teaching experience. She specializes in parenting school-age children with grace, using principles of attachment parenting, positive discipline and effective communication. Visit www.GilaBrown.com to sign up for a free newsletter.
