Photo by: Evelynishere

On Missing Shoes & Unmade Beds

by Gila Brown
Photo by: Evelynishere

Wouldn’t it be nice if clothes and toys weren’t scattered across the floor, or if every shoe knew the whereabouts of its mate?

Having a clean and organized space gives us a sense of control. It’s, undoubtedly, a nice feeling. When things are in their place, everything is as it should be. We love this feeling and are willing to put up a fight with our kids in order to get it. If only, they were as enamored with the feeling as we are.

For better or for worse, the need for everything to be in its place is not really one that children share. Clothes on the floor, unmade beds and missing items are all part of their experience. So, we nag, we punish, we reward, we bribe and we yell. Sometimes, they conform; sometimes they rebel. Does the struggle ever end?

The more important question, however, is ‘What is the goal?’. While having a clean room is certainly a comfort to us, we also want to raise children who appreciate cleanliness and orderly lifestyles. We tend to think that, unless we demand it of them as children, they couldn’t possibly posses the skill as adults. But is that really true? How likely is it that, after years of being forced to maintain certain requirements for a clean room, they will become adults who suddenly love to clean?

There is a better way.

Allow for the mess
Give your kids the space to make their own decisions. If they choose not to make their bed, let that be OK. Know that, because of your modeling, at some point having an organized living space will also become important to them. If its not important to them now, allow for that. It won’t always be the case. Also know that if you are willing to give them a bit more freedom with regard to their own space, they will be more willing to cooperate with you when you need them to.

The best way to teach kids to be clean and orderly is to model the behavior
By keeping your space and your things in order, they will learn to do so. If they are used to living in an organized and clean environment, that is what they will be comfortable with. While this is a lesson learned over time, it is a far more effective one than if you were simply to demand order. Forcing a child to keep his room orderly, does not teach him to be orderly. It teaches him to follow directions, to avoid punishment, to comply and, most likely, to grow to abhor cleaning his room. While truly teaching our children to appreciate order and cleanliness may not show the same immediate results, it is a much more effective long-term solution.

Here’s to a messy room!

Gila Brown, M.A. is a Child Development Expert and Parent Coach, with over 10 years of teaching experience. She specializes in parenting school-age children with grace, using principles of attachment parenting, positive discipline and effective communication. Visit www.GilaBrown.com to sign up for a free newsletter.

Like This Article

Like Mamapedia

Learn From Moms Like You

Get answers, tips, deals, and amazing advice from other Moms.

18 Comments

To help my kids keep their room in some semblance of order, I bought several large plastic storage boxes with wheels. They measure about 2 ft wide, 4 ft. long, and about 5 inches tall. I put 3 under each child's bed. When the mess gets too much for me to handle, I ask them to wheel out the plastic boxes, fill them up with the toys off their floor, and then roll the boxes right back under the bed...

See entire comment

We have a 15 months old who loves to make a huge mess. He loves to turn the Lego box upside down and have all the pieces on the floor. During the day the house is a mess...toys everywhere...shoes too ( he takes them out all the time) but when is time to go to bed...Daddy is home and there's a song for cleaning up. So we start singing and with him we pick up everything and put in a toys container we have in the livingroom...

See entire comment

Give them freedom to be disorganized?? Hello? WE are responsible to show them the way, not be permissive! I have 5 kids, most of whom share a room with sibs. If I gave them a space to do what they wanted with it, it would spill over to the entire room and the rest of the house! No way did I think this article was good advice or practical! I'm not a task master, but the WHOLE FAMILY will be out of order if one is out of order...

See entire comment

Hmmm. I have to say that I don't agree either. I have a 7 and 9 year old and I truly don't ride them constantly about their space. 7 year old likes to make her bed sometimes, 9 year old never never makes his bed until I demand. But, I am teaching them how much less stressful their life is when they pick up a few things each day...

See entire comment

I think the author was also stating that if you are organized, your kids will model that behavior too - if your bedroom looks like a bomb went off, then your kids will see you as a hypocrite if you insist on their rooms being spotless. At the same time, yeah, my kids don't get to "pick" when they clean up after themselves.

I'm flabbergasted! What about common space? I have 4 children (9 and under), and I struggle to keep up with the demands of keeping things uncluttered. Without "Family Help", loved or hated, the entire house would be a disaster. Then, I'm stressed - which stresses the kids out - and everybody is grumpy. I can let them have some freedom in their own rooms (2 of them share), but that's it. They have to help with the rest of the house because they certainly help to mess it up...

See entire comment

I have to say I think a lot of cleanliness is part of a childs personality. That's not to say you don't ask them to help clean but I also think that you can't expect one child to do cleaning as well as another. Honestly some kids just enjoy that kind of structure. I was one of those who didn't understand cleaning until it was too late even though my mother pushed me all the time to keep things neat...

See entire comment

I think that it is like the poem my sil gave me after the birth of my twins.
"Cleaning the house while the children are growing
is like plowing the snow while it is still snowing."
author unknown
or what about telling your children
"Snowflakes are God's most delicate creations, but look what happens when they all get together" God made families delicate too, but if we get together we can accomplish that which is the goal...

See entire comment

I think that it is like the poem my sil gave me after the birth of my twins.
"Cleaning the house while the children are growing
is like plowing the snow while it is still snowing."
author unknown
or what about telling your children
"Snowflakes are God's most delicate creations, but look what happens when they all get together" God made families delicate too, but if we get together we can accomplish that which is the goal...

See entire comment

My Grandma (who's house is always pristine) always tells me to enjoy a house with some disorder and toys scattered around. Its a sign there is a happy healthy child there. She lost one of her sons to cancer at 9 years old. She said when a child is too sick to play, you long to see those toys everywhere:-(
I think like everything in life, its about balance. It is their home too, let them have their own space, their own room to keep as they wish. As for living areas etc...

See entire comment

My kids have been allowed to keep their rooms as they see fit for the most part. If it looks dangerous to walk in then I make them clean it up. eveyr few months when they were little I would do teh clean sweep of their rooms. The downstairs stays presentable, the upstairs can get a little hairy. But imagine my surprise when my son got a girlfriend and now his room stays SPOTLESS! He dusts, he vaccums, he picks up-all because she comes over and they watch movies in his room...

See entire comment

I got tired of reminding my kids to pick up their rooms. Now we have Saturday a.m. cleaning, and "inspection" afterwards. They can keep their rooms how they like during the week as long as there is a "fire lane" from the bed to the door for safety reasons. Plus it keeps me from stepping on toys when I peak in on them at night. They do have to clean up their room during the week if they are having a playmate over.

I hate being the constant nag of making sure you clean up after yourself. My mother kept a very clean house, our house was NEVER dirty. Our floors were vaccumed and scrubbed everyday. Mom grew up in a strict military house. Everything had its place. Jenny, I totally agree with you. My husband is the same way. Never had to lift a finger to help his parents clean or wash dishes. I had to start washing dishes when I was around 7 or 8...

See entire comment

I have to agree with the other posts...the author was entirely wrong! I grew up with a "neat freak" mother and became one myself. To the point that when I shared a full sized bed with my sister, I would make my side so you could bounce a quarter off it...however she chose not to make hers. You could easily tell which side of the room belonged to who.

When I was younger I kept up with being a "neat freak" even to the point that I alphabetized my spices...

See entire comment

Gila, thank you for your article. I found it to be a breath of fresh air amidst anxious posts on this site from parents trying to get their kids to sleep, eat, clean up, use the toilet and so on.
We live in a small apartment, so our kids'(ages 3 and 1) play area is our main living space. If we insisted on keeping the apartment as tidy as we'd like it, I believe that it would stifle their exploration...

See entire comment

Leave a Comment

Required
Required (will not be published)
Required (to prove you're human)
Comments are moderated and generally will be posted if they are on topic and not abusive
For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us
Want to become a contributor?
Want to become a contributor?

If you'd like to contribute to the Wisdom of Moms on Mamapedia, please sign up here to learn more: Sign Up

Recent Voices Posts

See all