Photo by: Arboresce

My Own Stages: A Mom's Look at Divorce

Photo by: Arboresce

While scanning the divorce section at the library, a punch in the gut memory comes to me. I’ve just gotten home from the same library, only this time I’m carrying my infant son and several parenting books. I only need to glance at a few of the back covers, where I see a male author grinning at me, to automatically hurl those books across the room. A quick peruse of a couple more, that state my baby should be sleeping through the night by now, get those books chucked as well. I make a vow right there and then to never trust a smiley-faced “expert” over myself when it comes to my life.

Six years later, I see there are still plenty of experts out there who will not only tell me how to get divorced, but how I should feel about doing so. From my quick scan, I glean that I am supposed to pass through three stages: denial, adjustment, and acceptance and that my children may become ill-adjusted adults who are unable to form healthy relationships. Once again, I have to trust myself over the “experts.” Since my separation in January, my son and daughter have not acted out nor disengaged with me, their father, their friends or any other people in their life. As for me, I’ve passed through many stages, none of them being the prescribed three. Here are a few of them.

Purging. Along with divorce, comes the need for change and I need it now. Any big idea that floats through my muddled brain is implemented immediately. Chopping off all of my hair, giving away half of my possessions, a service project in Guatemala, and dating a man twelve years younger than me are a few of these changes. The verdict is still out on which ones were actually good decisions.

Liberation. I love having the bed all to myself. I love having every other weekend to sleep in, see friends, and oh yes, date several men at the same time (yes, the young one is still included here). Freeing myself from my marriage allows me to feel more alive and present and I am sure I am a better mother for it. I believe I am the bravest, healthiest woman alive.

Turmoil. Sleeping alone sucks. Insomnia kicks in and with every 2:00 a.m. wake up comes an onset of fears. What if someone tries to break in? How am I going to afford being a single mom of two kids on my meager writer’s salary? Will I find love again? What if the hot water heater explodes right now and I have to go to the emergency hot water heater store, but the kids are sleeping and they have school tomorrow, so I can’t watch over them and also clean up the mess while ….

Mother’s little helpers. Along with Simply Sleep sleeping pills, I become very fond of gin, wine and chocolate.
3. I start to view the world in threes rather than fours. I set three plates every night for dinner. I am the third wheel when I stow away in the back of my friend’s car so I can accompany her and her husband on their date night. I am the third person in a world filled with twos and fours and it makes me feel as if I am missing a limb.

Stalker. Being alone takes it’s toll and I decide I need to talk to other women. Whenever someone mentions they are divorced, separated, or otherwise a single mom, I stalk them. The woman at Trader Joe’s who bags my groceries, my son’s teacher, and a woman who comes to one of my readings, are a few of the kind souls who finally submit to my pleas of joining me for a drink. Once I have them captive in my car, I say, “How can something that is so right be so hard? Why am I so confused?”

These women share their wisdom with me and continually reassure me that I am not only fine, my children are as well. Although I feel as if I am flailing and always rushing from one thing to the next, they remind me that I am still able to focus on what is important. My kids and I eat dinner together every night I have them, I still read to them before bed and cuddle, and am able to get them to and from school relatively on time. That we eat mac and cheese three nights in a row is arbitrary, what matters is we talk and laugh and make eye contact while eating the orange goo.

Yes, it is busy being the only adult in the home, but it has given me the chance to elicit the kid’s help. They set the table, make their own lunches, and get themselves ready in the morning. Rather than feeling burdened by these new responsibilities, my three and six-year-old are proud and squeal, “Look what I did Mama!”

And every hurdle I face, allows me to feel the same way. After mowing the lawn and fixing the overflowing toilet, I beam and say, “Look what I can do!”

Some days are messy and I know that will always be true. I do not expect to be perfect, nor do I expect my children to be so. I merely hope we can continue to grow and learn. I hope our lines of communication always remain open and that every day I make a connection, even if it’s brief, with both of my children. And whether we are laughing and dancing in the kitchen or crying and slamming doors, I know this is the stage we need to be in now.

Corbin Lewars (corbinlewars.com) is the author of the memoir Creating a Life (Catalyst Book Press, 2010) and the sexy mommy-lit book Swings (out for submission). She is the creator of the zine Reality Mom. She lives in Ballard with her two children.

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67 Comments

With response to the counselor's remark about kids not being adjusted after Divorce. After living in NYC for half of my life and being exposed to every possible family scenerio under the sun - I wonder how these blanketed comparisons are made:
Children from Divorce verse...
1. Workaholic parents?
2. Emotionally unavailable parents?
3. Dysfunctional parents
4. Overbearing parents
5. Immature parents
6. Single parents (by choice)
7. Those weird parents you meet at the park.
8...

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I am looking to seperate from my husband of almost 8 yrs. Reading this has given me such insight in what I need to do and how to be a supportive mother to my 2 children. I havent worked in almost 9 yrs...I think that is going to be a major hurdle for me. I have such negative feedback coming from my mother, instead of the support I should have. I dont believe in staying in an unhappy marriage just for the children. Its not fair to them nor is it fair to me...

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Yes Thank you Corbin! I am just at the start of the process and it is so helpful to see that there are women/mothers out there feeling the same way I am. Your description of the adjustment between 4 and 3 is SO dead on, that has to be one of the hardest stages that hardly anyone talks about.
As for the counselor who feels that divorce makes angry kids...

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I am a 34 year old mother of three who is currently going through a divorce. I recently moved out of the only home my children have known and into a small four bedroom home. My husband has been blessed with a good job and is very wealthy. I have been a stay at home mom for the past 10 years. Now that I am on my own, I am extremely frightened. My lifestyle has completely changed and I am worried about the impact this will have on our children...

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Well it is comforting to read other woman's view points on divorce, but I feel we all go through our own journey...everyone's situation is different. I've been divorced now for two months, it took us four years to finally get it completed. We were married 28 years so alot of assets had to be sold. I too went thru the stages Corbin mentioned above...I think the hardest one is not accepting the inevitable...

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This article was great! I have been divorced twice and the first divorce was not as hard for me as I was ready to get out of a relationship that was negative. The second one hit me like a Mac truck. I laughed when I read the article because I went through everything that it talked about and it made me feel wonderful. Felt this way because I know that I am going to be ok! That I am not the only single mom of a beautiful 10 year old worrying about the small things we handle on our own...

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I applaud your attitude and strength. Though I am not a divorced mom, I am a child of divorce. I think you have the right idea about continually connecting with your kids and keeping an open relationship with them, but all children of divorce feel negative consequences from it. Most young children do not show signs of anger or fear, anxiety, depression, etc. They simply try to be helpful because they are afraid to rock the boat...

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Yes, thank you for a wonderful article! I sort of went through the same thing a few months ago when my boyfriend and I broke up and I had to move out of his house with my 3 year old son. I was so worried about his wellbeing and having to deal with all of this, but he has been just fine and so have I. I've realized how incredibly strong I am and that I can do anything!
Thanks so much!

This piece made me feel uneasy. It seemed to me like you actualy were in denial of a lot of things. It all didn't fit together for me, though i do agree with some of your preferences. Hey, but mac & cheese has to stop! (you are what you eat -- orange goo???) -- Hope all will be as rosey for you as you try to conjure/hope/believe/magical think/write. Noone knows how your life should be run. But maybe you will have the best-informed guess...

I had no idea the underwear thing was so common. I thought I was alone in the world on that one!

But as far as all these people who want to go on about how damaging a divorce is to children. Stop.

I have no doubt in my mind that a child is better off being raised in a loving two parent, two income home. But the constant comments to the effect that no matter what a divorce will negatively affect your children was one reason I stayed in a miserable and abusive marriage for far too long...

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I am a child of divorce and have done well. I have a good marriage and three children. My older brother, however, has struggled ever since. He told me he has never felt like he's had a home. He comforted himself in a world of fantasy and video games and they are still the cornerstone of his life. I read The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce and can see a lot of truth in it. My advice to anyone considering a divorce is to remember that you are trading one set of problems for another set of problems...

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Corbin,
What a great depiction of that so unique but recognizable journey. The fear of causing pain to our children is the only danger they face. Our continuing conversations are, of course, powerfully important to them. Most important is the kind of engagement with life and honesty that you demonstrate so well with this memoir. Clearly Honesty is a happening thing for you. Nine years ago, when I divorced, the things you describe were my events with minor differences...

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Its nice to get validation for a choice you make when reading that others have gone through the same thing, it takes away from the isolation. I have gone through the same stages and trying to stand alone and raise children after decades is hard and as a mother all you can do it do your best, listen, continue to breathe and wipe away your tears in private. Thanks for making my day...

In some strange way this is very refreshing to read. The strange-ness might be b/c my "husband" and I have had problems pre-kids and now with 2 kids we still have our problems with a whole new set of them. We have been co-existing for years now and I AM so exhausted from trying to make things work and even just let things be as they are, still the same...

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Divorce was a long and emotionally draining process! My ex left my daughter and I when she was only two. To avoid paying child support, he refused to sign papers until she was almost five years old. I am so lucky to have three sisters, two brothers, friends, and incredibly supportive parents AND ex in-laws to provide my daughter with love and whatever she needs...

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