Photo by: Disney Grandpa

Instead of Preaching to the Choir: Disney Princess Recovery

Photo by: Disney Grandpa

Mia’s house is the Mecca of Disney Princesses.
There are shrines in each corner, Ariel here, Aurora there.
She has the Disney Princess Barbies.
And Disney Princess Polly Pockets.
The bedspread.
The dresses.
The bathing suits.
The cups and plates.
Sandals and flip flops.
Toothbrush and toothpaste.
Toilet seat and towel.
Bathmat and shower curtain.

We have not been to Mia’s house since this last time, and the part of my brain that believes that things get resolved by quietly waiting them out had convinced me that maybe Mia would move on this month to something like Dinosaur Train. Or maybe she would move! To another neighborhood! And a child with all wooden toys would move in. Avoidance creates such logic.

I hate confrontation. And controversy. I hate the idea of hurting someone’s feelings. Or making them feel judged. I haven’t spoken to Mia’s mom about our little movement here because it feels akin to walking into someone’s home, someone who eats steak for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, someone who nibbles beef jerky for snack and washes it down with sausage links, and saying, “Just so you know, we’ve become vegan!”

So Mia invited us over for a quick run through the sprinkler before dinner.
We walked over, rang the bell, and Mia’s mom let us in and apologized:
“She started watching a movie and I can’t get her off the couch.”

Miss C had already disappeared into the playroom and was playing with a barn and some animals.

I wandered back to the TV area, where Mia was stretched on the couch.

She was watching The Little Mermaid.
And she was wearing…The Little Mermaid costume.

Mia’s mom turned off the movie and Mia slunk off the couch. With her leg movement greatly restricted by her tail, she inched toward the playroom.

When she got to the playroom, she stood in the doorway and glowed.

Miss C looked up from the barn, her mouth opened partially.
“Is. Is that Ariel?”

Mia giggled.
“Yes, it’s her mermaid dress. BUT, you can’t swim in it.”

Miss C stared.

This is when something strange happened. C was asking more questions, but Mia was now looking away from C, away from me, and toward the wall. She began to rub her chin to her shoulder. She smiled (at the wall), put her hands on her thighs, moved her shoulders back and forth, then began the chin-shoulder rub again.

I craned my neck to see what was on the wall, and found that it was a full length mirror.

“Let’s go outside!” I chirped, and grabbed C’s hand to bring her out to the sprinkler.
Outside I found an Ariel sprinkler rotating and spraying water beside an Ariel pool, and little Disney Princess lawn chairs.

Obviously, I had to tell Mia’s mom that we were going vegan.

When the girls were out of earshot and involved in play, I lowered my voice and said, “I want to tell you about something we’re doing, something that’s going on with us, and you might think it’s really strange, but…”

She was all ears.

And I told her we had pulled all the Disney Princess stuff from our house, and that we weren’t allowing the Disney Princess films. I explained the behaviors I’d seen with my three year old, the ones that concerned me: the preoccupation she’d developed with her appearance, the rigid and scripted play, the many anxious questions about my impending death “because Snow White’s mother died, and Cinderella’s mother died,” the refusal to get her hair trimmed because “princesses only have long hair,” and her sudden dropped interest in all other toys and play in favor of playing the rescued Disney Princess again and again. I told Mia’s mom that we were trying to introduce more positive female-lead stories, replacing the beautiful and distressed Disney Princesses, with figures more concretely real, and en route to discovering their own power. Also, whose mothers aren’t killed off before opening credits. I said, “Since we live so close and the girls play together, I just wanted you to know.”

Mia’s mom was completely supportive.
“I’m really glad you told me,” she said. “We should be able to let each other know when stuff like that is going on, or if we have rules we want each other to know about.”

I agreed.

She continued, “And that is concerning, the things you were noticing. Fortunately for us, Mia only likes those films for the music.”

Is this the part where a brave and forthright person then says, “Actually, I think I just saw your daughter doing a slinky shoulder-rub five minutes ago?”

I did not.

Because in order to see something, you have to believe it exists.
In order to understand the power of these scripts, you first have to believe that they do have power.

Change happens slowly. Even for us, it had been 18 months in the making.
This was one step, one conversation, that badly needed to happen.
I may not be able to change their shower curtain, sprinkler, or sandals, but at least I can be sure that the movies are not playing.
And I can plan the next playtime at the park.

And then maybe they’ll move.

Mary Finucane is a psychotherapist in Rochester, NY. Her areas of specialty include cognitive behavioral therapy, play therapy, childhood sexual abuse, and child sexualization.

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77 Comments

Wow.......is being judgmental one of those negative traits your working on. I LOVED the Disney princesses when I was little and somehow managed not to be a vapid, self-absorbed, waif. Maybe you should go through her cabinets and approve of her snacks, then check in her car and make sure she has the most updated safety devices. Do your "friend" a favor and get off your high horse, it sounds like she's the one who's far more willing to accept other parents choices...

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This feels really off base. You are assuming that by becoming temporarily obsessed with Disney princesses that your daughter will lose herself, her values, her sense of worth. What if she is actually just learning about herself? Children try on all sorts of roles, some lasting longer than others, and we adults are here to show them that we see through all of that, TRUST them and their process, and just love them...

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I looked at this trailer on brands in childhood and watched the series:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKH4YGKnOSs

excellent! hope you all enjoy it.

great organization working on this critical issue:
www.commercialexploitation.org/

The whole Article just goes to show you need to be involved with your kids AND their friends and aquaintences and ESPECIALLY the neighbor kids! Luckily most of our neighborhood kids have been wonderful and come from great homes, but there's always an odd one you got a steer your kid away from, like the Alcoholic and Abusive Dad down the street or the workaholic mom down the other street who uses you as a "dumping-ground-Free-Babysitting" for all her goofy kids and her everyday "emergency" situations!
With 4 kids of my own I could write a book on friends!! Ha Ha! Fortunately now, my kids are starting to enter College and I can look back and say "WHew" Made it through that one!!

Out of 3 granddaughters, only one of them is girly-girl and loves the Princess theme for everything. We eat, sleep, and play Princess daily. This child has more imagination, is more considerate, entertains herself, respects her toys, willing to involve others in her play, etc. Does this have anything to do with the Princesses that cover the house, I don't know; but, I do know she is very happy and is a loving child who already has a focus in her life...

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I have boys. We weren't going to let my oldest have toy guns. But he used whatever was handy and pretended it was a gun. So gave in and let him have toy guns. But he also had legos, cars, and even tommy and chucky dolls from rugrats. He had a variety. I think that is the key. Princesses are fine if they are just a small part of toys.

I have to agree with Pamela and Kristina. Both my daughter and son love the Disney Princess films (and books, btw). We have taken the opportunity to find the lessons to be learned in the films and discussed the bad choices the characters have made. In Aladdin, you don't run away from your family because you don't like the rules, you must find a new solution. In Beauty and the Beast, that everyone blindly follows Gaston and his vain and arrogant ways is definitely a bad choice...

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It's about balance. So many people are "all or nothing" about these issues. Just because a child likes something doesn't mean we should buy them every product made featuring that character. Likewise, we shouldn't have to ban every item that has a princess on it from a home with a little girl. I have 2 girls who like the princesses, they have watched some of the movies, loved visiting Disney World, and play with the little princess figurines...

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I agree that we should not buy ALL of the princess merchandise, but to go so far as to not allow any princess movies, play, merchandise or anything is a bit extreme. I do not allow my 3 year old daughter to constantly watch the same princess movies over and over. We give her a variety of movies and shows, Disney and not. We offer her a wide variety of toys sand costumes to play with. I only buy her a very few clothing pieces with certain characters...

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I want to respond to so much in Mary's post, I hardly know where to start. I'm certainly happy to see this in a mainstream discussion - especially outside Waldorf. There is certainly a great deal written on the power of myth, and it is no hidden fact that Joseph Campbell's work has been formulized by Hollywood. There are books teaching one how to write a screen play. One can certainly do some reading to explore the limitations that the princess mythologies hold...

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I hate Disney and pulled the plug on any of their crap when i saw how their shows absolutely mesmerize kids. Did anyone know that the whole "Kathie Lee sweatshop" fiasco had nothing to do with Kathie Lee? Guess who owned her company, and who she took the fall for-Disney. If anyone wants a good eye opener, try reading "The Wizards of Media Oz" by Studs Terkel. Though it was a required text for me in college, it remains a favorite in my home today.

Stories are nneded for our communities and our growing into them, the thing with disney´s is that they have gotten out of hand, waht with all the shopping included, we already had the same stories, my grandmother´s favorite was beauty and the beast son really just making emphasis on the positie aspects and not overdoing it with consumism should do the trick...

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Ha ha! I feel your pain! But the problem here is definitely her unscrupulous shopaholic parents forcing her to immerse herself in only one thing with all of their purchases. The princesses sort of bug me, but we have SOME of the movies (donated VHS tapes-no gear) and I'm actually impressed with how my daughter has directed my 2 1/2 year old son to vary his roles as the footman and the prince while acting out the entire Cinderella story in costumes she rigged up herself...

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I am curious, to worry so much about every stage a child goes through seems a bit like over-reacting. IMO - over-reacting is worse because it teaches your children by example to be obsessive compulsive. My daughter went through the princess stage, I simply let it be and did not over buy disney products. Now she is growing out of it and into something else. Not a big deal, she is smart, independent and happy...

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I totally get it, my Mom would not buy me a barbie when I was growing up and you know what? I don't think I was missing anything. The phenomenon is still around today 35 years later and I'm still feeling the societal proessures expressed from the media and fashion culture to look a certain way. Oh boy!! Tough one!

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