Does Motherhood Equal Identity Loss?
Who are you? Who am I? What collection of facts and figures makes up the upc code emblazoned on your soul that when scanned, reads: ‘likes to be read to, enjoys the color orange, keep away from harsh chemicals, may contain peanuts’? What are the things, the memories, the loves and hates that make up my “identity”? Is it my tendency to wonder and wander? Is it the stoner and artsy kids I hung out with in high school? Is it the fact that I prefer vinyl or that I’m a sucker for the holidays every year? Is it the way I love, or the memories of the way I’ve been loved? Is it the pain I’ve caused others or the pain I myself have endured?
I could make a list of “100 things about me” and it would say arbitrary things like “startles easily” or “believes that cream cheese icing makes everything better”. But I don’t know that those things have anything to do with me or me with them. They are liner notes. Indexed tips on how to manage me for long periods of time.
I am recently a mother for the second time. As I create the foundation for this little person to establish who and what she is in this life, I am faced daily with the question of my own personhood. For weeks I’ve been milk maker, soother, diaper changer and occasionally ‘lady who showers and smells nice’… I stress “occasionally” here.
I was already a mother when this one came along. So prior to a few weeks ago, part of my consumer friendly label read: lunch maker, wound kisser, soother, protector, clothes washer, and occasionally ‘lady who brings cupcakes to my class’. But as my new role emerges, all other things become cloudy and less integrated and I begin to wonder which of them still constitute ‘shades of Me’.
The thing about this that sucks so much is that it is a very lonely place. This happens to you and only you, while the people around you go about their usual lives without question as to how and if anything has changed for them. While I’m concreted to the couch or the rocking chair for 45 minutes at a time to feed a new baby, everyone else in my world cruises by. Off to play or live or reconnect with old friends or simply enjoy the Independence that comes with not being affected by a life altering event.
So I try to remember who and what the ingredients are for a well made ‘Me’. I scan the pages of things I’ve done, stuff I’ve written and people I’ve loved. Somewhere, is the combination of things that light the center of me. Somewhere is a complete list of nutritional value, warnings and tips for best consumption.
Misty is the Mama of two little girls, wishes she was better at gardening, fancies herself a writer and can be fairly innovative at times.
