Disruptive Behavior? Fantastic!

I always tell parents to welcome bad behavior, and here’s why: When kids misbehave it’s their way of saying, “Mom, I don’t have the vocabulary or the insight, and I am not yet articulate enough to express my frustrations to you verbally. But, I am really angry, so instead, I’m just going to punch my brother”.

Now, while punching your brother is not an acceptable expression of frustration, these episodes give parents what we teachers like to call “teachable moments”.

As a parent, when your kids act out, you have the opportunity to teach two very important skills. First, helping your child stay aware of the manifestations of their frustrations and hurt, is the first step in preventing outbursts in the future. Kids need to be able to make the connection that “I feel like hitting something because I’m mad“. The second step is that, once kids have more of an awareness of their own emotions, they can choose how to express them. If we’ve given them safe and acceptable ways to express anger, frustration and hurt, then they’ll know what to do. If not, it’s back to punching their brothers.

The mistake we make most often, is to try to stifle kids’ negative emotions. We try to stop their disruptive behavior without looking deeper to its cause. Telling someone who is angry not to be angry only makes things worse. So, here’s a step-by-step plan of action.

1) Validate Feelings. It’s OK to be upset. It’s OK to be angry. It’s OK to feel hurt, jealous or insulted. Kids need you to let them know this. Once their feelings are validated and acknowledged, then they can consider how best to express themselves. (Also, you will be surprised at how, simply having their feelings acknowledged and validated can significantly diminish disruptive behavior.)

2) Offer Up Options. There is nothing wrong with hitting, in and of itself. Hitting our brother? Not so OK. Encourage kids to act out their aggression physically and safely. Try hitting pillows, stomping on dry, fallen leaves, scribbling on paper, popping bubble wrap, throwing soft objects or just running around the backyard. There are endless ways to ‘let off steam’. Kids need our help in finding what works best for them.

3) Timing. When kids are experiencing big emotions, this is not the time to talk to them about more effective ways of communication. There is always a calm after every storm, though. This is the time to say, “Wow, honey. You were really upset today. You were so upset you tried to punch your baby brother. Hitting other people is not OK. Next time you’re feeling angry, what else can you do to let me know that you’re upset?” ”When you’re feeling bad, what can I do to help you feel better?” Just initiating this conversation empowers kids and lets them know that you respect them and their choices.

So, next time your little one is throwing a fit, try to smile. You’re being given a fantastic opportunity to begin minimizing the recurrence of these episodes. Imagine what that will look like. There’s that smile.

Gila Brown, M.A. is a Child Development Expert and Parent Coach, with over 15 years of experience working with children. She specializes in parenting school-age children with grace, using principles of attachment parenting, positive discipline and effective communication. Visit GilaBrown.com to get a copy of her free CD “Help! My Kids Just Won’t Listen”.