Photo by: Michi003

Dating in Today's World - is it History?

by Dalia of "Generation X Mom"
Photo by: Michi003

Friends with benefits. Some people say this has been around for a long time. But, just like everything else…this is becoming more popular with teens. The Urban Dictionary defines friends with benefits as, two friends who have a sexual relationship without being emotionally involved. Typically two good friends who have casual sex without a monogamous relationship or any kind of commitment.

When I first heard how this type of ‘relationship’ if you want to call it that, was gaining popularity with teens, of course I had to dig deeper…and all I can say is…oh my god, now this?

I came across an article in the New York Times (read this here), that left me in amazement. This article made me realize even more how much relationships have changed since we were kids. Dating as we know it is a thing of the past. It is now all about ‘hooking up’.

Lots of parents encourage their kids to not get romantically involved at a young age…hang out with your friends…have fun…you are young. I think this is great advice but now I am starting to wonder.

These kids are doing just that, but of course are taking it to the extreme. The New York Times article reads, “Having close friends of the opposite sex makes romantic relationships less essential. Besides, if you feel like something more, there is no need to feign interest in a dinner and a movie. You can just hook up or call one of your friends with benefits.”

When we were in school wasn’t a girl called, oh something like a slut or a tramp for being this way?

Are we as parents and a world for that matter condemning this? Should we be encouraging monogamy and relationships instead of always ‘safe sex’. I wonder if the world has become so caught up in ‘safe sex’ that we are not doing enough to explain further about emotional relationships and morals?

Dalia is a freelance writer and mother of three balancing life and raising kids in this new world.

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65 Comments

I have read some studies recently on this issue of the "hook up culture". It seems, according to author and psychologist James Dobson that there is higher depression rates among sexually active teens than those who are not sexually active (especially higher rates among girls). Another interesting report was that after years of counseling married couples, it was found that men and women who were premiscuous before marriage, do not bond as well to their partner...

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I'm a huge fan of monogamous, committed relationships and am in one myself, however I think it is a good think that young women who aren't ready to start a family have the option of "friends w/benefits" without being called a slut or worse. Boys/men have always been praised and approved of if they have casual sex. It's an oppressive gender-bias to get alarmed about girls doing it too...

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What happen to teaching your kids no sex before marriage? That is what I'm going to teach my son, but will also include that if you are in a serious relationship and feel that you are truely in love and finding yourself getting close to becoming sexually active to always use protection. I will teach him that there is always consequences to his actions and that it is a sin in God's eyes...

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My feeling is "oh please."
I am also "Generation X," although it is many years since I bothered with that moniker. Guess what, it has been around a long time. At least it was around when we were young.

I did "friends with benefits," when I was young, although again, I would never have used such a cheesy title. I just slept with certain friends. We did it during periods where neither was in a serious, monogamous relationship...

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Anyone still considering abstinence? I think it's sad that the choices are only sex with or without a relationship, how about not having sex at such a young age? I waited until I was married, and I know that might seem archaic but I'm sure there are others who share my point of view.

I too am struggling with this but for different reasons. I don't see this as a moral issue as much as it an issue about girl's lack of self-respect for their minds and bodies. If these are emotionally healthy young women who are confident in themselves but not ready for a deeper relationship then I can see the viability of this as an option and as long as it is mutually respectful. But in high school kids are not ready emotionally for sex although biologically they are...

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The good news is that some schools around Dayton have been teaching a program called "Go for the Gold" which helps high school teens identify healthy dating behaviors and understand different grooming tactics that are used to emotionally manipulate someone...

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Thanks for scaring the bejeezus out of me. That was quite enlightening.

Wow all I can say is this why people cheat because they are not taught to see the value of a monogamous committed relationship and this is how STD's spread in the first place!!!

And people wonder why the divorce rate is so high? This view of relationships has been on the rise for decades. This generation likes to think that this kind of behavior doesn't affect their ability to have a real, long term relationship, but how can it not? It makes relationships a disposable convenience like everything else around us, rather than something you work hard to maintain...

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I think we are forgetting that it's up to us, as parents, to teach the importance of healthy relationships. Just because "friends with benefits" type relationships are on the rise, doesn't mean our kids are going to be in one. Modeling is the best thing you can do for your kids; teach them through example how to respect themselves and their significant others at any age...

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Yikes.

As if the dating cycle wasn't enough practice for divorce (date, break up, date someone new, break up...), now kids are practicing how to have emotionless affairs as well.

None of those avenues of having relationships is practice for marriage. Nowhere in this cycle does anyone learn how to have a healthy relationship that is committed, able to endure hardship, and stand the test of time...

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When your baby was born, mothers, your body was flooded with chemicals (i.e. oxytocin) that created the lifelong mother/child bond - the one that forces you to get out of bed at 3 am to care for your child. During sex, these same chemicals are released in male and female brains creating a similar type bond. These chemicals & bonds are values neutral and they never go away. "With benefits" even when it is "safe" seems to have strings attached whether you they want them or not...

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I agree with the writer and with commenter beemom, but I think your response to this post depends on your moral values. I'd also like to add that we shouldn't just emphasize that casual sex is a bad idea only for girls. It's bad for boys too. While men and women often view sex differently, it's an emotional and spiritual act for both connecting them in ways that teenagers can't appropriately comprehend...

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I dont think there is anything wrong with it. I look back at the time when I was in a monog relationship as a teen and think we were too serious. Then I look at the girls who just kept it on a friend basis and seem like they could deal with the heartaches in life better.

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