Bullying Hurts: What Parents Can Do to Help Their Child

As my son headed to school for his first day of sixth grade a few weeks ago, I couldn’t help but worry. Despite the fact that he had an amazing summer, during which time he was able to escape his troubles, I couldn’t quite shake off how excruciating the end of his fifth grade year was for both him and me.

“Please come and get me. Everyone hates me. My life is ruined,” were some texts I received from my son last spring.

In my son’s situation, he got into a scuffle with another boy during a football game. The boy punched my son (which I found out later was the second time this boy had punched my son), and the other boy was sent home from school. The boy was upset, and the incident caused an uproar amongst a group of boys, many of whom were my son’s friends (or at least he thought they were). My son was been blamed for the boy being sent home and was, in turn, shunned, teased, excluded, and targeted as the guy to hit during touch football games. He overheard boys repeatedly talking behind his back and learned of disparaging texts being sent about him. Boys who he thought were his friends decided that he no longer requires even a “hello.”

I informed the school administrators that the situation had gone haywire and that my son was being targeted. I made some calls to some of the moms of the boys who were involved, with whom I am friendly. But for the last several weeks of the school year, not much changed, and my son felt much like an outcast when he walked into school each day.

Summer could not have come fast enough and yet it was unsettling to end the school year that way and for my son to head into the summer feeling so knocked down. Once he had a few days of distance from school and was able to let his emotions flow more freely. We had some tough days. He was consumed with sadness and worry about what had transpired and what his “fate” would be with his school peers in the coming year/s. He slowly started to reach out to a few boys who remained kind to him throughout the ordeal and found that making these connections helped him feel less alone.

And then, finally, after much anticipation, it was time for him to head off to his “favorite place on earth”—the summer camp he had attended for the past three years. The second he arrived at the bus stop and saw some of his camp buddies, his whole demeanor changed. I could see his world become sunny again.

After a month at camp he came home refreshed, happy and bursting with renewed confidence. At camp he had been accepted and loved for being nothing but himself. And that was exactly what he needed. I was incredibly grateful.

And yet, my son was still nervous to walk into school on the first day. Even though we told him repeatedly to think positively, he still braced himself for the worst—to once again be shunned by several members of the now sixth grade class. This is how deeply wounding bullying can be.

Thankfully, the summer seemed to have served as a productive “cool down” period for many of the boys. I am thrilled to report that with the start of a new school year, the aggressive, mean-spirited behaviors and attitudes that were directed toward my son last year are no longer present. For now, all is relatively peaceful. Apparently, the messages delivered by the school (and hopefully by parents) that bullying behaviors would not be tolerated, resonated with the boys.

I was greatly appreciative of the school’s willingness to step in and take action and uphold their “no bullying policy.” I also feel that we, as parents, have a very important job to do when it comes to dealing with our children and bullying. We need to take an active roll in helping them manage their behaviors and their relationships, without trying to micromanage their every move. Their friendships will ebb and flow, and feelings will undoubtedly be hurt sometimes, but it is essential that we make certain that our children clearly understand that bullying is different than having a falling out with a friend or changing friend groups.

It is extremely painful to watch your child endure tormenting and exclusion by their peers, and it is also uncomfortable to know that your child is a tormentor (although, unfortunately these behaviors are often ignored or denied by parents). And it is very difficult as a parent to know what your role is in managing these issues. But whether you are the parent of a victim, an aggressor or quite possibly both, make sure you are dealing with these issues head-on and that you are working with your child to help him develop the tools he needs to constructively manage his relationships throughout his formative years.

Here are some important points to consider when dealing with your child and issues around bullying:

• If you get a call from your child’s school or another parent who says that your child is acting overly aggressive toward a peer or peers, or if you see signs of this kind of behavior in your child, take it seriously. It is not a joke or a game or “just kids being kids.”

• If your child denies any wrong doing, continue to have conversations with your child about your expectations of him, and be very clear that you expect him to be inclusive and to treat others with kindness, respect and compassion, and that it is not okay for him to do or say hurtful things to anyone, or to participate in any sort of “ganging up” behavior.

• Be a good role model and make sure that your own children are treating each other respectfully in your home.

• Check your child’s phone and social media outlets for evidence of bullying behavior. If you find that your child has been engaging in cyber-bullying, give them appropriate consequences like taking their phone or computer away, and encourage and empower them to stop the bullying cycle amongst their peers.

• Explain to your children that bullying is serious, will not be tolerated and there will be consequences for this type of behavior. Make sure that they understand the kinds of effects that bullying can have on kids like the fact that at least half of suicides among young people are related to bullying.

• If your child is being bullied, monitor him closely and watch for signs of depression or even suicidal behaviors.

• Advocate for and empower your child and teach him how to advocate for himself. Contact the school and other parents, and make them aware of what your child is experiencing. Allow the “mamma bear” to arise in you, and do what you need to do to try and make sure your child will be safe.

• Encourage your child to reach out to kids who are consistently kind. Even when you are beyond the stage when you can arrange play dates for your child, it is still okay to contact a parent of a child whom you feel would be a positive, supportive friend to your child and arrange for the kids to do an activity or a camp together.

• If you do these things and still feel that your child is not safe in his school environment, it may be necessary to make a change. Even when tormentors are threatened and disciplined by authority, there are so many cases wherein individuals or groups of kids will continue to find a way to make other kids’ lives miserable.

Have you, or your child experience the effects of bullying behavior? What did you do?

Julie Burton is an experienced writer specializing in any and all aspects of parenting, relationships and finding balance. She is a wife and mother of four children ranging in age from 9 to 18. In addition to freelance writing and blogging, she is a yoga instructor, an active community volunteer and soon-to-be author of a tell-all book for mothers. She lives in Minnetonka, MN with her family. You can find her at unscripted mom.