My mother-in-law lives in the flat downstairs from ours and takes care of our 1-year-old while my husband and I are at work/gradschool. Today she asked my husband if she and grandpa could take our 1-year-old son to visit her sister in Costa Rica, without us. My husband refused flatly. Then she asked me. I also refused, and told her that maybe one day when he is older, but right now he's still a baby and he cries when I leave him for an hour so he isn't ready for a big trip without his parents. She said he cries when she leaves him too. I've never seen that, but it wouldn't make the slightest difference in my decision anyway. He's a baby, he's mine, and we'd miss each other. Not to mention the fact that if anything happened on the trip my mother-in-law would never forgive herself and I'd never forgive myself for letting her take my baby, and I'd have difficulty forgiving her as well.
When she first asked us, we thought she was joking, but she acted like it was a perfectly reasonable question. She reacted as if we were the unreasonable ones for saying no.
Would you let your 1-year-old baby go on a trip without you to a foreign country with extended family?
I know she lives with us, but I wouldn't even take my son somewhere without my husband because I believe the baby needs his father and his father would want him. The idea of the baby going somewhere without EITHER parent seems proposterous to me. And it wasn't like a 2 hour away trip for an overnight or weekend, it's out of the country and only airplane-accessible. And he's 1 year old!
Is my mother-in-law unreasonable or are we? At what age do you think you'd let your child go on a trip like this? How would you determine that age?
I don't think anyone is being unreasonable - it's fine for her to ask, and it's fine for you to say no.
I would not want to be away from my kids without me until I was ready for it. I don't think there's a specific age - I spent summers with my grandparents starting at age 5 - but I do think it's purely up to what the parents want. I didn't like being away from my kids at that age for even one night - purely because I missed them!
I absolutely do not think that a one year old should be separated from his parents for an extended period of time. This is not a business trip where he stays in a familiar environment while you are gone.
If she really wants him to go, she can pay for one of you to go too.
And you can still say no. This is your child.
Even after saying that, each family and child is different. The time will be right for him when you feel it is so, and it seems logical. Since you and your husband are both against it, it is obviously not right for your family.
Hi Mary! You answered the question in your post! You said, ". He's a baby, he's mine, and we'd miss each other." You are absolutely right! These are great reasons and they are the only ones that you need. I wouldn't allow it, for MANY reasons. What if your baby got sick? Needed medical care? The list could go on!
Your mother-in-law is unreasonable, she is forgetting that YOU and your husband are the parents, NOT HER! She also tried to pit you and your husband against each other by asking you separately AND after she got a no from your husband. What a manipulator!
If your MIL gives you anymore trouble tell her that you are concerned that she is disrespecting your decisions as parents and if she wants to continue to care for them that she needs to respect EVERY decision that you make. Otherwise, one day you will wake up and realize that she is controlling you. Trust me, I KNOW!
I would have never let my kids go on vacation without me when they were babies. The first time my daughter went on an airplane trip with my parents, she was six years old. Every family is different. My mom takes the grandchildren to visit my brother and their cousins to California. She has always had the rule that they must be in grade school (first grade or older) to go with her on a vacation without parents. She did my daughter and myself to Arizona when she was nine months, but I went along!
Wow...I think that is a crazy thing to ask of a mom and her one year old, but that is just me. I think it is great what the other posters have said, "It is ok for her to ask and ok for you to say no!" I would never allow this either. It is your right as a parent to do as you see fit for your child. Do not waiver on that right.
Hi Mary,
A friend of mine couldn't stand even someelse holding her baby when she was born. I think it is completely understandable to not want your little guy to leave you for a longer trip. I also think you can just say it that way. It might be a more friendly answer. I would have much separation anxiety as my friend did and everyone understood her feelings once she explained it and they also stopped taking offense to them when they understood the magnitude of the emotions.
Veronika
It's not like the child is old enough to remember a trip like that. I could see a day/weekend trip but not a long trip and not out of the country for such an infant! A teen would appreciate it more. I traveled abroad and my best memories were teenage years more than when I was 5.
To answer your question directly, your mother-in-law's request is not the norm in the United States and I know no one who would allow such a thing. You and your husband should not question your responses to her. You need no reason or justification for your answer and your reasoning is entirely sane. I also wonder why she didn't accept her son's refusal and then went to you. That sounds immature, like my child going to mom when dad says 'no.'
Besides all of the reasons you mentioned, what if she didn't return?!? We hear horror stories of these things happening once in a while.
It does sound like your mother-in-law is one of, if not the, primarily caregiver of your child in terms of number of hours spent with the child. It sounds like the bond is close and she feels like they shouldn't be apart. It could be very difficult for a one year old to be separated from a primary caregiver as this is the attachment period and you should take her abrupt departure very seriously in terms of your baby's mental health. How long will she be gone? Be sure that you and your husband spend some time transitioning your baby away from Grandma as she prepares to leave so it isn't a shock to your child.
My sister-in-law had an au pair for a year for her one year old, and when that girl left my niece stopped eating. The attachment period is very significant ( I don't say this to scare you, but to underscore how important your MIL could be if she spends many hours with your child.).
My daughter is almost 12 and she has never left the country with anyone but her parents. We have an aunt and uncle who would like to take her on an international trip, but she isn't ready anyway. I suggested a weekend in another city when SHE is ready to go. The child's readiness is everything, as well as the family's comfort level.
Hi Mary If you and your husband don't feel comfortable about this, then don't let him go!! I think a child should be about to able to take care of some of his needs such as: toliet train, talk well and put on their clothes themselves before traveling with someone other than his/her parents. So 5 or 6 yrs old is a good age to start. The older the better.
You guys are doing the right thing. My girls are 6 & 3 and they wouldn't be going on any plane ride without us, not to mention out of the country! Tell her if she wants the baby to go that bad then she can pay for your husband and you to go along as well! That just might be the thing that keeps her quiet. Stick to your guns you're doing the right thing. You would never forgive yourself if something happened and you let the baby go when you didn't want to.
Not in a million years would I allow my baby to be taken out of the country. I wouldn't even like it if my child was a teenager, but at least then I'd consider it.
Right now, your gut instinct is spot on. It's all of you, or none....and with the state of the world today, I'd stay home.
Your mother-in-law's sister can set up a web cam and "visit" your baby that way...or send her a DVD.
Don't do anything you are not completely Ok with. I know I wouldn't let my 1 year old leave for a week either. I guess my only question is you said she babysits for you, does she think she can't go because you won't have a babysitter? Maybe she thinks she is doing you a favor by taking the baby with you so you won't stress over a babysitter. Just a thought, but that would not be a reason to give in. I certainly wouldn't allow that to keep them from going. Reassure her you can take a week off while they are gone or start looking for alternative child care arrangements. Is there anyway possible you can all go on the trip? Sounds like a fun family vacation to me!
My step mother in law asked me the same question when my son was 1 year old. More so she made a statement assuming that I will leave him with them for a whole day and I would just take off shopping.
Anyone that assumes you are okay with this insane proposal needs to have a reality check.
I think you are absolutely correct to refuse the trip without your 1 yr old and I would beware about other decisions the MIL makes for your child. Apparently you have very different views of how to approach this very obvious question.
All I can say is NO, I would not let my baby go out of the country with anyone, even if I knew they loved them almost as much as I do. What if the baby got sick, I am not even sure they can seek medical Tx w/ out the parent being present.
You are in no way being reasonable. She is asking a lot and I would have the same gut reaction--no. You are not comfortable with the idea and it's way more than an overnight trip in another town. Just simply tell her you and your husband aren't ready for that and that's that.