Think of it from her view. Not right now, but later. First she will always want you to play with her and be very demanding of your time, because she has no one else to play with. Then as she gets older it will be nice of her to have a sibling to crab about you to. Or at least have someone else in life who have had the same experiences they will always have that connections. Then even later in life when "God forbid" you and your husband die she will have someone else in her life that is Family.
I remember when I had my first I contemplated stopping. I loved focusing on him and I loved him so much I didn't think there was anyway I could have enough love for anybody else. Sure things change but not the love for your first and you have just as much love for the 2nd.
It's tough for a while and routines change, but you find a way that works and new routines start. You may have another baby with colic and GERD, but it doesn't last forever.
My husband and I only made the decision for the first baby and God made the decision for the other 2. In a way it's easier that way.
Having the second one is a challenge at times, but oh so worth it. Your daughter is still little, and it will get easier. Do you have brothers or sisters? Could you imagine your life without them? My mom is an only child and always wished she had a sibling, especially when she needed to cope with the loss of her parents. If you have family that lives nearby, ask them for help with your second. I would follow your heart. Just think, in years to come they can entertain each other and that will give you more time to do thing you need to do. Good luck with your decision!!! It isn't an easy one.
What would happen if you accidently got pregnant? I am sure you would keep the baby and make the best of it, I have four children and they are stairsteps, although they are grown and have children of their own all of them say that they are so thankful that they are not only children, they have each other to be freinds with. My third daughter was feeling the same as you, deciding if they should have a second and they decided to, they have two boys now and sure it was alittle tough at first but now she is so happy that her first son has a brother to grow up with, you are very blessed to have a wonderful husband who will be a big help if you should decide to have another child.
It is a rough decision and you can count on that for maybe the first two years after your second is born, things will be hard, but after that you will probably be very thankful that you decided to go ahead and have that baby, especially since you seem to have a true, strong desire.
If you can tell yourself that the worst of it (as far as sleep deprivation and diapers, anyway) will be over in two years, then maybe you should go ahead and try to have that baby, especially since you say you'll likely regret someday that you didn't have a second.
My first-born had a lot of health problems, too (Hirschsprung disease), so much that adding a second child to the family was LESS difficult than it had been with him by himself during the first 14 months of his life. If things have been that rough with your daughter, maybe you'll feel the same way.
As far as not wanting to give up time with your daughter, that is hard, but you find ways to include the baby so your still get to give both the attention they need. I learned that they didn't really need me as much as I thought to be happy, and actually our whole family is happier now that I am not so obsessed with the children as I was.
We've gone on to add a third child as of this December and the first two months were really hard, but now things are getting great and I can't imagine life without my three children. And NONE of my children are fully potty-trained, either, btw. I have to admit that I hate being up to my elbows in poo all day, but yet... I wouldn't change my life for anything.
Good luck in making the best decision for your family! I know it is a hard one!!
This is, obviously, a very personal and individual decision. And if you truly doubt your ability to handle another child, the answer is fairly simple. But, as the mother of six great kids, I'd say that if a part of you thinks you'd like to have another - you should! Your child is still pretty young at only 10 months and maybe it would be easier to wait just a little while. Having 2-3 years between makes it a little easier, I think, as your older child can become your "little helper." My oldest two are only 1 1/2 years apart...the rest are 2-3 years apart. Sleep deprivation can do awful things to our frame of mind, but hang in there -- it gets better! And just because your first had colic and didn't sleep much doesn't mean that your second baby will. I have six and they are all as different from eachother as kids can be!
Your other concern was that a baby might "intrude" on the closeness you share with the child you have now. I think that's a very normal feeling and one that many of us have had. However, I have to tell you that there is also NOTHING more beautiful than watching two (or more!) of your children bonding and playing together and loving eachother. It is probably the thing that gives me the most joy, the most pride and the most reassurance - because I know that even when I am gone, they will still have eachother.
There are times when my kids have likely wished they were an only child, as only children probably get more one-on-one time with mom and dad and get more "things", etc. But when it comes down to it, I KNOW that none of them would trade places with any of their only-child friends.
Good luck with your decision - you will know in your heart if and when the time for another little blessing is right!
If you think too hard about the logistics of caring for even just one child, nobody would ever have them! If you know in your heart that your family would not be complete without at least one more child, then that is your answer. :)
It is more work to add another child to the mix, but they are only small and needy for a small portion of their lives. You also can't guarantee what kind of baby you'll get the second time around - sure, you could get another colicky, refluxy, insomniac but you could also end up with a mellow, content, sleeps-through-the-night-right-away model.
Every mom of more than one child feels guilt about taking time away from their firstborn. However, you don't love your first child any less just because you have another child. The love you have just keeps growing. I love watching my oldest interact with her baby brother and can't imagine NOT having him in our lives.
Having more than one child is a bit of a juggling act for me. Every-day activities (meals, bathtime, bedtime, etc.) are more challenging and getting out the door takes a lot more planning for us. However, as both of my children get older (and the weather gets warmer) I am finding myself getting into a better groove.
Good luck with your decision. I've often heard the phrase "You only regret the children that you don't have." when it comes to deciding whether or not to have another. As my daughter started to get a little older and I was a little farther away from the baby stage, having another didn't seem so crazy.
Unfortunately only can can decide what is best for your family and YOU! I am a 38 yr old Mother of 2 boys (ages 15 yrs and 18 months); I also have a 4-1/2 yr old step-daughter. My husband and I are also in the same situation. We are trying to decide if we are "done". I would like to have one more, since I don't have a daughter- he has 1 of each. So he has decided it is up to me.
I prefer the one-on-one time with my youngest son, but at the same time, wouldn't want them to be too far apart in age. Also, I already went through a "high-risk" pregnancy (due to age) and it isn't a big deal. I had to have a few additional tests, and some recommended ones I decided against having done.
My recommendation is that you wait until you know for sure. Don't let that biological clock make the decision for you. I think that it will be easier for you to decide in the next 6 to 8 months as your 10 month old gets more independant. You will see that it will get easier.
Hi there,
my daughter had GERD as well and was not adequately treated until age 1. It was a terrible first year. I got pregnant shortly before she turned two (kids are 2 years and 5 months apart) and I was terrified. And I knew, in the hospital, my newborn son had GERD too (although couldn't get the docs to see it until he was 5 days old and couldn't be laid flat at all even for a diaper change without projectile vomiting). I will admit it was tough. however - it was worth it. ANd while my son's GERD was physically much worse than my daughter's, we were so much more experienced and treated it better (tucker sling, etc) from the beginning that it was much more manageable. Honestly, I wouldn't change it if I were to do it over again. I love the fact that they are buddies and play together now and are not too far apart in age. It was a tough couple of years in terms of being tired - but like hte country song says, "you're gonna miss this". I don't regret it. Take a deep breath, go for what feels right, and accept the fact that perhaps the house will be a mess and perhaps the laundry will be backed up and perhaps you'll go too long inbetween haircuts to look your best - but it'll be totally worth it.
Good luck,
Jess (mom to a 5 year old and 3 year old)
I had a lot of those same thoughts about not wanting to "share" my firstborn when we were contemplating #2. We actually got pregnant,and then I miscarried--I really think it might have been God's way of saying "You're not ready yet!" because when we got pregnant again, I felt totally differently about it--I was really excited for my firstborn to be a big brother (and he's a great one). Anyway, that doesn't help with your decision, but it was my experience!
I have three. My youngest is the same age as yours. A baby is a lot of work. Period. So when you have a second, it will be tough for a while. You're still in the tough stage with your baby. From age 2-3 it gets a LOT easier.
Three was the right number for us, but while I'm loving the baby, I take comfort in knowing next year will be a lot easier. I love the sibling interaction, though some days, when the bickering won't stop, it makes me want to pull my hair out.
My friends with only children all have wonderful, sweet children. I think it's because they can focus on their one child. So there are advantages and disadvantages to that too.
It is a big decision and I think you need to take more time to make it. I think your child would do wonderful as an only child if that is what is best for you and your family. Don't get caught in the trap of worrying what other people will think if you have only one child and if your daughter will be okay. I know of lots of families who have made that decision. You have to be selfish here and do what is best for you since you will be caring for these children. I happen to have 2 children but they are 4 years apart. It helped having a more independent child when I had my second one. It is twice the work also. Just pray about it and don't be in a rush and do what is best in your heart.
Just a few thoughts from an "older" mom. It may be true that the first year of a childs life can be rough on parents, especially when there are health issues. But look at your life in the long run. Now that my kids are 11 and 7 they are an absolute joy. Watching my son learn to speak spanish and play sports. Seeing my daughter write stories and put on dance shows. In my case, I wish I could have had more kids, but that was not in the cards for me. I know that everyone has different ideas on how many children make a perfect family, but don't cut yourself short because of fear of what the first year may bring. That year will fly by terribly fast, and then you will have many, many years to enjoy. Good luck to you!
I knew from the start that I wanted 3 or 4 kids, however when my first was 18 mos. old I was still saying "how could anyone think about starting another when they're so fun at this age?" I also knew I wanted a 3 yr approx age span between kids, which I have. Of course I had my first at age 26 so you don't want to wait that long perhaps.
If you're still overwhelmed now, I suggest waiting at least 6-12 months before trying to get pregnant. 34 isn't that old, especially for a second child, but I wouldn't wait until 40 personally. Enjoy your time with your baby and get comfortable with parenting before putting your body through the stress of pregnancy again. If you take the pill remember it takes a few months to get that out of the system so keep that in mind.
Oh, and I've read that chiropractic does wonders for both colic and reflux.
I have to say that each time we had another child, I wondered if I will think it's as wonderful as I did the first time. Even after six children, I am floored at how wonderful it is having a baby around the house. The added bonus after you already have one is the fun of watching the older child interact and teach the younger child things. It's a whole new awesome aspect of parenting. Many of my friends have 2-3 kids. Now that we're older and they are "done", it's clear that some of them are the ones that wish they had more and come to my babies for a baby fix when we are together. The days of little sleep are so short compared to the incredible gift of another child. We're never given more than we can handle. I often think of how MUCH each of our children has added to our family. I honestly couldn't imagine our lives without each one. My last two children have been when I was 35 or older and the risks are a tiny bit increased, but they are still very minimal. As I've aged, I've found that I take more time to enjoy the little things in my children and I'm probably a better parent now. Some people say, "You're so organized. I could never have a big family because I'm not." I have gotten a little more organized with each child, and this has helped us to get out the door on time!
34 isn't that old and 10 months is still very young. I would give it more time to make the decision. You have some time, especially if you didn't have trouble getting pregnanat the first time. My oldest was extremely colicky (crying 14 hours a day) and there was no way I was ready to get pregnant again when he was 10 months old, but I was ready when he was 2. I had my children at 33 and 36. Getting up at night with them gets harder as you get older, but I think in many ways your children keep you young. Also, I wouldn't have another child just because you don't want your first child to be an only. I would have another child because you really want another child. Both my husband and my mother are only children; they do just fine. I'm glad I had two and sometimes thought about 3, but it is such a personal family decision for you and your husband. Every family is different. Best wishes.
Kristi,
I realize you feel like your biological clock is ticking, but I had more space between mine, which definitly relieved a lot of the stress. The older one is very helpful. And if you decide against now, it's not like you took perment action (tubes tied, or vasectomy) so you can always change your mind later. Give yourself some time. Time will tell if you want another one. Good Luck, just remember there is no right or wrong answer.
I completely understand where you're coming from. The decision to have a second child was much tougher than the first. With number 2 you understand just how hard having a child really is, with number 1 we're still so naive. My husband and I wanted 3 children when we first started the baby talk, but after the first came along the reality of the parenthood duties made us reconsider if we really could handle even 2 (and our first was about the easiest little girl you could imagine!) Selfishly I didn't want to have share my time with any other child, could I even love another child the same amount, what if the next baby isn't healthy, the sleepless nights, the colic(!) - let alone the state of the world these days (my daughter was 8 months old when 9/11 happened) - believe me I had my share of fears!!!
But...
I was an only child (sort of - I had a half-sister 11 years younger and a step-brother 8 years older). Although I NEVER minded being an only child I knew deep down I wanted my daughter to have a sibling. When our first daughter was 2 (potty-trained, nuk-less and sleeping through the night) we took those fears and put them on a shelf (and prayed a lot). When we found out we were actually having another baby (another girl to be exact) so many emotions surfaced, but most of all we were ecstatic! I remember thinking while I was pregnant that I hoped this baby would be just like her sister, because in our minds our first daughter was absolutely perfect!
4 years later and oh so many sleepless nights - we have 2 perfect little girls who couldn't be more opposite of each other. Yes, 2 is a lot more work - yes, I still have all my crazy fears - yes, we lost a lot of sleep and have shed a lot of tears...but I wouldn't want it any other way! My girls are my world! My first daughter is as steady as they come and always a joy to be around, my second daughter can light up a room with her brilliant aura and has an endless amount of love to shower on us. I can't imagine a life without either one of them. Listening to them giggle in the back seat or watching them play school together is the most rewarding miracle in my life.
Although making the decision to have 2 was wonderful for us, it may not be the answer for everyone. Making the decision when your first child is only 10 months old could be very daunting as well! The right answer will come in time. I just wanted you to know that I understand where you are right now because I was right there too. But to me all the chaos that comes with 2 is worth every tear, yawn, fear, smile, and giggle that comes with it - because now I have twice the amount of wonderful unconditional love.
Yeah, it's a huge decision. I am pregnant with my 2nd child and have a 20-mo-old son. I am very nervous to have to take care of both of them - especially when my husband is not around! But I don't regret our decision. I think it'll be nice for them to be siblings who are pretty close in age. For the first 2-3 years, it will be hard (2 kids in diapers, cribs, etc.) But in the long run, they will play together and entertain each other, etc. My niece & nephew are 2 years apart and they are buddies.
But take some time and think about it. You don't have to do it right away! Your daughter is only 20-months-old! And I don't think you're "high risk" until you're 40. You're only 34. Take a few months, or a year, and really think about what you want. Good luck!
If you want another baby then have one. You really can't think of it in terms of how much harder it will be with two. I mean seriously, can you really remember your life before your first? NO! The same will happen after the second - you won't even remember life before you had two.
I have 2 daughters, 17 months apart. Of course there were difficult times but there were difficult times when I had just one (if I remember correctly :) ). If you really want another baby, go for it. It will all work out cause as Moms, that's what we do!
It's obvious to me that you really would regret not having another child. It is a LOT harder with two, but eventually everything is so much better with two! We have 2 girls-turning 3 and turning 1. It was hard at first: just being exhausted from being up with one baby while having to wake for the oldest, feeling like my oldest wasn't getting enough attention, etc. Now my girls are so close and Ic an't imagine it any other way...I am actually considering baby #3!!! Just remember every kid is different and not all of them will be colicky and keeping you up all night (most will keep you up at night)! Also, think about the nice maternity leave you will get and how much time you can spend with your babies! It is hard at first (really hard) but it is absolutely worth it! Good Luck!