An earlier question got me to wondering about the myriad ways in which my son has what he would call friends.
Some friends are heart-friends, those he has connection with in some way and adores. They might play differently, have different interest or stuff in common- there’s just that sweetness and cameraderie to their relationship.
Some friends are kids who he is familiar with, they might not have much in common but take them to a park and they’ll find something fun to do. Kid who just play well with each other. It’s pleasant enough and sweet in itself and, hey, that is enough. Nothing deep but fine.
Some friends are those he meets who he might share some interest with-- there is a sense of mutual regard, limited engagement but it is meaningful. Maybe this is through a sport or extracurricular activity, something that is the conduit for their knowing each other.
Some friends are more the kids of The Moms… those kids who your kid hangs out with because the moms like each other. In this case, if they all play separately with toys or together-- no one seems to care. It’s a little like extended family-- everyone is more or less expected to get along.
Some friends are the ones whose moms are on the same page as we are-- they are good friends for our children to learn from, parents can support the friendship while helping the kids grow and practice new social skills.
And some friends are the kids who we might be wary of, but we keep a close eye out and try to let our child have that friendship because it meets some need within themselves. Sometimes those friendships are deemed “school friends”. My son has a friend who is an older kid with developmental delays. They get on great at recess because they play in a group of kids all in a similar way. Yet I have seen this child growl and defy their paraeducator, so I know that this wouldn’t be an ideal playdate situation as adults have a hard time keeping this child in control. These friends are the ones who help our kids learn that the world is full of all sorts of people with all kinds of personalities-- and that the kids who do experience challenges at school also have good qualities, things about them which are relatable.
Of course, we want our children to be safe, physically and emotionally, when they are with any playmate. I just wonder if we take the idea of ‘our kids friends’ with a sort of stringency… that there are only a few ideal ways to be with friends. That friends should never fight or have conflict. That friends should never be mean or make each other uncomfortable or hurt each other. I think, esp for young people, these experiences have the potential to help them become emotionally intelligent adults. I know this must change as our kids mature— we want them to streamline into the habit of having nice, healthy friends-- but I also wonder if they miss out on something if we only allow them to have ‘nice’ friends?