The spectrum of children's friendships

Family & Parenting Classmate & Friend Issues
1

An earlier question got me to wondering about the myriad ways in which my son has what he would call friends.

Some friends are heart-friends, those he has connection with in some way and adores. They might play differently, have different interest or stuff in common- there’s just that sweetness and cameraderie to their relationship.

Some friends are kids who he is familiar with, they might not have much in common but take them to a park and they’ll find something fun to do. Kid who just play well with each other. It’s pleasant enough and sweet in itself and, hey, that is enough. Nothing deep but fine.

Some friends are those he meets who he might share some interest with-- there is a sense of mutual regard, limited engagement but it is meaningful. Maybe this is through a sport or extracurricular activity, something that is the conduit for their knowing each other.

Some friends are more the kids of The Moms… those kids who your kid hangs out with because the moms like each other. In this case, if they all play separately with toys or together-- no one seems to care. It’s a little like extended family-- everyone is more or less expected to get along.

Some friends are the ones whose moms are on the same page as we are-- they are good friends for our children to learn from, parents can support the friendship while helping the kids grow and practice new social skills.

And some friends are the kids who we might be wary of, but we keep a close eye out and try to let our child have that friendship because it meets some need within themselves. Sometimes those friendships are deemed “school friends”. My son has a friend who is an older kid with developmental delays. They get on great at recess because they play in a group of kids all in a similar way. Yet I have seen this child growl and defy their paraeducator, so I know that this wouldn’t be an ideal playdate situation as adults have a hard time keeping this child in control. These friends are the ones who help our kids learn that the world is full of all sorts of people with all kinds of personalities-- and that the kids who do experience challenges at school also have good qualities, things about them which are relatable.

Of course, we want our children to be safe, physically and emotionally, when they are with any playmate. I just wonder if we take the idea of ‘our kids friends’ with a sort of stringency… that there are only a few ideal ways to be with friends. That friends should never fight or have conflict. That friends should never be mean or make each other uncomfortable or hurt each other. I think, esp for young people, these experiences have the potential to help them become emotionally intelligent adults. I know this must change as our kids mature— we want them to streamline into the habit of having nice, healthy friends-- but I also wonder if they miss out on something if we only allow them to have ‘nice’ friends?

2

Yes, I agree with everything you say, and I do think they miss out on things if they are only allowed to have ‘nice’ friends. I didn’t police my kids’ friends, and some of their friends were the type, or from families, who would have been avoided or shunned by other parents.

My trust in my kids’ ability to adapt and choose wisely proved correct. However, I concede that certain high risk-taking types of kids need to be monitored more closely in their friendships, as might certain highly sensitive, passive individuals who might tend to be bullied or taken advantage of.

3

My parents let me be best friends from 3rd grade all the way through college roommates with a girl whose family they knew did not behave according to our own family’s values. This obviously included countless hours at her house and spending the night where I was under the influence (and supervision) of said family (to include a sister 16 yrs. our senior who lived at home most of the time). Looking back on it, I REALLY wish my parents had steered me away from her. This was my entire childhood spent with her, and I heard, was told, and saw creepier things than I would have liked to.

Anyway, I found out as an adult that my parents knew her family was messed up (though not like I did!), but I guess since they trusted me, they let me hang out at her house. I wish they hadn’t trusted me so much! As an 8 yr. old, I didn’t know any better, and since I just grew up around her family I got used to them. But by the time I was a teenager, I realized their choices did not reflect my family’s values. By then it was too late. I couldn’t ditch my best friend (it wasn’t her fault), but really, I wish when I was 8 my parents had said…

No, you can’t spend the night at the house of a 24 yr. woman who sleeps with male strippers and go with your friend to 7-11 to buy cigarettes for her mom (oh yes, they sold them to us), because when you turn 16 the older sister will give you a book about how to please men, and will give her sister her prescript. drugs, and when you turn 18 she will lie to you and trick you into entering a male strip club. And even though you are good and we know you won’t go into the 7-11 and you’ll give the book back to her and not read it, and you’ll walk right back out of that club and call your dad to come pick you up… We love you enough, our sweet 8 yr. old, to not put you in a place where you are having to make those choices for yourself, because right now, that’s our job.

4

I agree that many types of friendships with many personalities are valuable. We have one little friend with serious behavior issues due to her background. I don’t shun kids like that, but I DO MONITOR time spent and keep the troublesome ones to a minimum. We’re actually too busy for an excess of time spent with any one friend. So far it hasn’t been an issue, and when the kids are older, I plan to keep them busy as well and monitor their relationships so they don’t get too glued to bad seeds. Often it’s just a matter of not letting kids have too much idle time, and the rest falls into place. If kids are busy with different activities, jobs, interests, etc, they should get good mixed exposure. It’s never a good idea to let them loiter endlessly with listless people or bad influences. LoveBeingMommy’s answer is great.

5

I had school friends that I only knew in the classroom. I wasn’t best friends with them at all, not in the real sense. I’d play with them every day then there’d be a time when I would play with others and not even think about the other friend.

I had neighbors to play with that I grew up being close to. My parents moved in their house in the 50’s then a year later the neighbors moved in too. My mom and that mom were both pregnant at the same time. So that particular neighbor and I were in the same grade, same classes, same developmental stages, everything. He wasn’t my best friend by any means either.

His brother that was just older than us was held back so we were all 3 in the same stuff then. The sister was a couple of years older.

Then I had relatives. I have hundreds of relatives alive right now. Hundreds.

I grew up going to this uncles or that aunts and their kids or grand kids were my playmates at those houses. I never called them to see if they wanted to go with me anywhere but if they came to my house we were like long lost family and had fun. I tried to run away and go home with them all the time.

When I got to 7th grade I made my first best friend. She’s the one that lost her elementary school aged child on a bunk bed. He slipped off and hit his head. She called me a couple of days ago because she missed my phone call on her birthday last month. We still see each other and keep in contact. I’m friends with all her kids on FB too. She doesn’t do computers. I kept that friendship over the years.

I was in her wedding, she was in my first wedding, she came to my baby shower, I went to hers. We were at church together, went to camp together, and more. She was my true, long life, friend. Those are few and far between.

It changed and fell apart for a while then came back together then grew apart for a long time. Then we found each other again and are friends.

I have adult friends I met and had connections to instantly, there were some I know I knew before we came to earth the second I saw their face. I have had very few close friends that I didn’t have some sort of instant desire to be around them. I can’t say I had many friends who’ve been a struggle to be around.

Friendships are different. They grow, they fall apart, they rejoin, they never see each other again, and they fill a need in some way, each and every one of them.

One movie I love that illustrates how friendships can be there even if you can’t see them is “Blizzard”.

I love how this movie portrays friendships. Even when a friend moves away or is forbidden from see the other, friendship is ongoing.

6

It’s not just kids that have all these different types of friends. I also have friends in many different “compartments”. I have work friends, mom friends, church friends, neighbourhood friends. friends from childhood, former work friends, old friends, new friends, close friends, friends I see as a group, friends I see or talk to daily, friends I barely keep in touch with, nearby friends, long distance friends, friends who share common interests, friends I enjoy arguing with, facebook friends, friends my husband likes, friends my husband can’t stand, friends who are older than me, friends who are younger than me…I could go on and on. Adults have diverse relationships and so do kids.

7

Interesting question.

I have a neighbor we were hanging out with occasionally. We bumped into her the other day, and my daughter asked if we could get together with them. The neighbor has a daughter that is in between my older kids ages, and they both enjoy her.

I don’t think the neighbor wants her kid around my kids. I free range, she helicopters. Like her 4 year old goes down the slide with an adult kind of helicopter, while my not even 1.5 year old goes down slides by herself. We have the occasional sibling conflict. My oldest can be bossy. She is spirited and smart and sometimes wild.

My daughter got the " we’ve been super busy this summer" response. I felt bad for the girls. It was obvious the girls wanted to hang out. Her daughter was thrilled to see my kids, but either I or one of my kids did something not within this moms ideals, so now these neighbor kids don’t hang out.

I let my kids hang out with anyone they want to, even a mean kid. With the mean kids, I do a lot of teaching. And luckily, the one kid has really outgrown a lot of his bad behavior. I don’t think he would have if we ran from the conflict. Instead, I look at it as great teaching opportunities. We do do them a disservice because conflict is part of life. I see my most important job as helping them to handle internal and external conflict. You can’t run from this stuff, you need to learn how to manage it.

My approach to my kids and their friends is that everyone is either a friend or a potential friend. Why wouldn’t they be? I approach adults this way myself. Life is to short to not explore friendships with vastly different kinds of people. You never know, you might have some fun.

8

REALLY good question. my boys had a pretty wide spectrum of friendships, and yeah, some of 'em made me nervous. that being said, i think most kids today have friendships that are way over-managed. it’s so important for them to learn coping techniques without having them all spoon-fed.
but we do have to be careful where they spend time when it’s out of our view, don’t we? there were some households where i just couldn’t let my kids go, although i’d often have the kids over to our place. and i confess to doing a fair amount of nail-biting when mine were free-ranging. and sometimes with good reason.
but ‘safety’ is a nuanced thing. as they get older, safety has to be balanced with trust that they will make good decisions, and handle delicate situations, and make bad decisions that will help them learn but not kill 'em.
it’s never easy!
khairete
suz

9

Wow… interesting stories. Of course, we don’t let our kids go to the house where the parents are hinky, the way some parents maybe over-trusted the child and the situation. I know I was certainly left in situations which I would never leave my own kid in. I don’t think I meant letting our kid hang out with The Bad Kids, but more that we can make the most of many experiences life brings us instead of automatically shielding them out of unsubstantiated fear.

Yes, we all have a spectrum of varied friendships…I think my question was more along the line of “if we expect friendships to always look lovely, do we do our kids a disservice?”