The drama continues, and a friendship ends

Family & Parenting Classmate & Friend Issues
1

The other day I posted about “Amy” and her mistreatment of my daughter. Both girls are 6 years old.

Well, Amy’s dad called my husband and wanted to talk to him last night. I guess Amy has now lost all recess priveledges for the rest of the school year (Mid-June), and her dad is pissed. I guess he has gone to as many of the kids in the apartment complex trying to get info about the two girls. The kids were saying that my daughter has been doing the exact same thing to Amy that Amy has done to her. That’s not like my daughter, she’s a 6 year old master of turning the other cheek. So, because I went to the school, and Amy’s parents think their child is unfairly being singled out, her mom is seriously considering pulling her out of school and home schooling her. I don’t really care anymore, but that would be a BIG mistake and unfair to Amy. Amy wouldn’t learn anything, and only be forced to clean their filthy apartment daily.

Anyway, I even asked my kids this morning if my daughter had EVER told any other child not to play with Amy. My son immediately said no. My daughter stopped to think for a minute and admitted that she might have, once, around the time someone else came to her to tell her that Amy was badmouthing her.

It seems to me that taking away all recesses for the entire year is a bit excessive for picking on one child. I think, and I will probably never get confirmation of this, that other parents have complained about Amy, and I was the last straw. Again though, Amy’s dad swears the ONLY people he’s heard about problems from are us. Well, there are 4 1st grade classes, and each class has close to 30 kinds in it. Only a handful live in our complex.

So, the drama continues, Amy’s parents want nothing to do with me, that friendship is over, and I feel relieved that I don’t have to step foot in their pigsty again.

@ Robin: Amy has been bullying my daughter since school started. I tried to talk with the parents, since we were friends. But instead of fixing the problem, just got nastier to my daughter. I finally had enough when my child came home in tears 3 days in a row, and talked to the principal about it.
@Doris Day: Idon’t know for certain. The recess thing is from Amy’s dad, through my husband. I KNOW there is some bias and things blown out of proportion.
@Cheryl: Not one child has ever come to me or my husband to tell me my child is being mean. They only said that to Amy’s dad after he asked them specifically, and that was only after he found out his daugther has lost recess privileges. When I’ve gotten ANY negative reports from school about my kids’ behavior(s) we address it, and fix it right away. I asked both kids individually, and separately if my daughter had EVER, at school, on the way home, or around the complex, told ANYONE not to play with Amy. My daughter DID admit to maybe ONCE telling ONE child not to play with Amy. This was right around the same time said child came to my daughter to tell her that Amy was badmouthing her. I KNOW my kids aren’t perfect, and I try hard to be aware of their faults, as well as their good points.
@ SH and AL: That was the plan as of the end of last week, to talk with both girls separately, and together, to try and get to the root of everything. Sadly, my daughter came home with strep throat friday afternoon, and hasn’t been back to school yet this week. I plan to see what I can find out in the morning when she goes back.

~~I’ve had interactions with this school in the past, before my son was diagnosed with Asperger’s and ADHD. They are fair, and try hard to empower the students. The kids all LOVE the principal. Again, I think the whole recess suspension for the rest of the year is extreme and the result of one pissed off dad exaggerating the truth.

@Sadie, I plan on updating, that’s kind of why I’m leaving the SWH box empty for now. Yes, because of this the parents ARE considering home schooling because of this, and they are, at least the dad, fully capable of trying to guilt trip us. I think I’m going to mention that the dad is harassing the neighborhood kids about my child.

@Doc, it’s actually not that bad. We live in a fairly large apartment complex. My family lives on one side, and this other family lives on the other, so it shouldn’t be too hard to avoid them. My husband is still maintaining the friendship, so there will be SOME interactions, but none with my or my daughter.

2

Gee, no recess for the next 7 months?
I highly doubt it.
Sounds like more drama than facts.
If Amy and her parents want nothing to do with you and your kid(s), then the drama is over for you!
You and your daughter should disconnect from it.
If anyone else wants to complain about her the only thing to say is that they need to tell it to someone else - it has nothing to do with you.

3

I have NEVER heard of kids losing recess for the whole year. I seriously doubt that is true, but oh well, nothing you need to worry about!

4

Stick a fork in this and call it done. May she never darken your door again.

But yes, if anyone wants to kvetch about her to you or yours, decline to discuss. Tell them, the matter is settled and you don’t want to waste any more of your time on it.

Tell your daughter never to talk to Amy again if she can help it.

I’m sorry, too, for Amy. Bad parents make bad teachers.

5

What did a six year year old child do to get kicked out of recess for the rest of the year-take a weapon to school? It sounds like the school is not appropriate for anyone, least of all a 6 yr old.

6

Do you actually know about this recess thing from the school? Or is it from Amy’s dad? Why don’t you go ask the principal and voice your opinion about it? The thing is, taking away her recess isn’t going to “fix” the problem. They need to have the counselor and teacher put together a behavioral plan for her and really work hard on it with her. Keeping her in at recess isn’t going to help for the walks home from school while she is badmouthing your daughter to other kids, trying to get them to bully her in her place…

Believe me, you are lucky that your friendship with this family is done. The father is angry at you rather than at himself for not being a more effective parent. There are LOTS of people like this.

Who knows - maybe at some point you will get to move somewhere else and your daughter won’t have to walk home anywhere near Amy again.

7

I think your way to invested about what is going on with this other family.

8

You’re not doing your daughter any favors by ignoring what the other children have told you about her behavior. You asked your son; I’m sure he’s not privvy to EVERY conversation your daughter has with other children. Case in point, your daughter admitted to having done it. If it were my child, I would KNOW that if she admitted to doing it once, she’s probably done it more than once.

You stuck your nose in when you should not have; your daughter is going to have many more social problems over the years but if you keep getting involved and getting these kids into trouble, her social problem is going to be no one wants to be her friend because they don’t trust her mom. Either that, or your daughter is going to quit telling you things because you don’t know how to just listen and empathize.

Please stay out of the six year old drama. Understand that ALL of these kids are six and they will grow, learn, and mature. Your only concern should be your child and her behavior.

9

The school must have “investigated” this.
And the school thus has a punishment for Amy.
The parents think their daughter is innocent.
Like many parents.
They are not your friends anymore.
But well, they will be badmouthing you and your daughter now to anyone.
Losing recess for the rest of the year sounds excessive.
But well the school decided that.
But school cannot tell you, what they did with the other girl, due to privacy issues.

This is all unfortunate.
For you all.
I work at a school.
And many kids lie, and the parents too. And even the “good” kids, too.
And when it gets like that, ugly things can happen.
Some parents, will NEVER ever believe, that their kid is noxious or causes trouble.
Last year there was a boy like that.
The parents never believed all the complaints about him
And the boy lies.
Even if there are witnesses. He can spin a situation to make himself look good and innocent and is very manipulative.
So the parents cause havoc at the school. Accusing the school of targeting.
So well, the end result was that, everyone was to leave the boy alone. And he has no friends. No one likes him. All the other kids know how he is. Everyone keeps away from him. And even the Teacher. Because the parents are so litigious and lodge complaints for anything their “dear” boy says. And the boy, complains about anything to his parents. Even if the Teacher tries to get him to do his work.
It is RIDICULOUS.
And if anyone stood up to him, well, the boy complained again. And he is NEVER, at fault. And his parents, are of the same ilk.

10

If that girl lost recess for the rest of the year, it’s not only because of her actions towards your daughter, to have such extreme punishment, I am sure as you say, others complained about the girl… Some how I don’t think Amy is just the one at blame though.. I tend to think either the parents are not doing their part to remedy the situation OR the school hasn’t handled something efficiently.. We aren’t talking teens here… these are six year olds.. seems to me like they should bring these two girls face to face in an office with the principal and allow them to tell their side of the story in front of the other…maybe they can reach an agreement to get along.. surely at 6, they can be helped… unlike adults who might be stubborn in their ways..

11

Here’s what I think happened:

For a kid to be suspended from recess, the school had to have actual witnesses that something really bad was happening on the playground. NOT a parent complaining. A teacher or aide had to have witnessed something over-the-top enough that there was an enormous amount of concern. Something where she was so out of control that the principal has deemed this should not be a problem for the teacher or playground monitor outside. I would wonder if another child got hurt by this kid, or something else of that nature happened.

Depriving a child of recess is opening up the school up to being sued, so this was a decision I am certain they did not come to in haste.

Personally, if I were a parent in your apartment complex, I would be completely pissed that some other parent was questioning my kids about ‘what’s going on’ between the girls. It’s intimidating to be asked about something like that from another adult (he should have talked to their parents first, if anything-- I don’t think it should even have gone that far). What are they going to say?“Your daughter isn’t nice to Rosehawk’s kid”? This is a very unreliable way of getting credible information. OF COURSE the kids are going to say whatever the dad is wanting to hear. If Amy is a mean kid, chances are the kids will assume that her father might also be mean. Plus, from your previous posts, I’m guessing that their idea is to just punish her into ‘being good’ instead of getting parenting support and addressing the underlying issues. I would stay away from this family and make sure your daughter has adequate in-sight supervision when she’s playing in any common areas.

All that said, what’s your question?

ETA: Rosehawk, I would not say one other word to the school about Amy or Amy’s family unless it directly affects your daughter and it’s happening on school grounds. IF he comes by and you feel you need to talk to him, do not let him in your house. Go outside to talk. At this point, saying ‘her dad is harassing the kids’…who do you go to with this? That’s up to THEIR (those children’s) parents-- do not pour gasoline on this fire. You need to seriously disengage with this family. No contact unless they out and out insist. And only then, just have a pat statement “I really don’t want to discuss this any further. Any complaints you have should be made to the school or to the apartment manager. I will keep my daughter away from yours and we will mind our own business.” Don’t poke this guy–he’s already angry. No one can make him pull his kid out of school. He cannot ‘guilt trip’ you into anything. Stop engaging with this family.

12

Go talk to the principle. It may be she’s doing more than you know about. It may also be your child needs to find a different school to go to if the staff/principle is this much of a dictator. That’s way too much punishment for something like this.

For arguing and not acting nice to each other my granddaughter and her nemesis got to go outside every other day. If it was their day to stay in and the other girl was not there then the one that was at school that day got to go outside.

The punishment was specifically meant to keep them apart on the playground.

They did it as fair as they could. It worked because the girls spent less time together so they got along better when they were together.

If this principle did decree this girl was really going to do this then I wouldn’t trust this principle to be fair to anyone.

13

I would think your kids would know pretty quickly if the recess suspension is the truth. I am curious if it is. I have never heard of such a thing (then again my oldest is in first grade so i do not have a lot of experience).

Could you update if you find out ‘Amy’ is enjoying her recess? Or do you think the parents are going to home school and figured they could make you feel bad for ruining a child’s recess (not that you caused it)?

Very weird that the dad is interrogating neighborhood kids to find out if your 6 year old says mean things too. I am so embarrassed for him.

14

Sounds like you should be looking for another home. I would hate to live in that atmosphere. Do your best to instill values and empower your daughter-don’t worry about other people’s kids. If she really is grounded from recess I’m sure the school had good reason.

15

I’d be super pissed if a school tried to deprive my child of recess for 2/3 of the school year.

I don’t really think it’s any of your business, though, unless her parents come to you directly about it. You said her dad talked to your husband but didn’t say what he wanted.

All in all, I’m confused about what you’re looking for here.

16

A 6 year old child kicked out of recess for the whole year because she told other kids not to play with your daughter? That’s insane and I’d be going WAY above the school if that punishment was handed to my daughter. Seriously…kids need that time to relax and play. Granted, that is also when a lot of problems occur, but still.

I can guarantee you that your daughter is not sitting back like a little angel while Amy is being mean to her. Amy may have started it, but your daughter must be playing a role in it. I’d be very careful in saying things to the effect of your daughter (at age 6) knows to turn the other cheek. If she was truly a master at that, I don’t believe things would have escalated to this point.

On the other side, I am super protective of my kids and wouldn’t like the behavior Amy was exhibiting either. I would have talked to the teacher, told my daughter that Amy was being rude and she wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who told other people who they could and could not talk to.

But I think at this point you need to stay out of it. A mountain was made out of a mole hill and you should let Amy’s family handle Amy.

17

So you don’t believe independent, unbiased witnesses who say your daughter gave as good as she got. Think about this. The other parents are behaving EXACTLY THE SAME WAY YOU ARE yet you’re criticizing them and the other little girl.

Your daughters are behaving equally poorly. Sorry to tell you. Neither of them is right or wrong because they’re equally wrong. I’ve been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

Losing recess every day isn’t fair at all. There should be a different consequence. Around here it’s actually illegal to take away recess every day because it’s seen as necessary and part of their physical education and “get up and move” program.

18

Somebody lied through their teeth, or completely misunderstood.

I went to the school today, my daughter’s been home sick, and talked to the counselor because the principal was out of the office all day. A child MIGHT lose all or part of a single recess for not getting their work done in class. However, a child would have to do something TERRIBLE to lose all recesses for the rest of the year, calendar or school. The counselor told me that a child would be suspended before they had recesses taken away like what the dad is claiming.

She told me she was going to look into it a little more, that she’d heard nothing so far, so things couldn’t have been too bad just yet.