My mother-in-law has invited us to join her for Christmas dinner. I just can't bring myself to do it again this year. We have done Christmas with her for 7 years since we have lived here(her husband passed away 4 1/2 years ago). We have three children, 9,6, and 4. She said we could come over and bring ONE game (whoopee). She is not kid-friendly. Neither is her house. I have been a good sport about this for our entire marriage. Do you have any suggestions on what we can do besides go over to her patio home and kid-unfriendly atmosphere. We have not had a vacation in 1 1/2 years. Since my husband hasn't been employed in his position very long, he won't have a whole lot of vacation time, but he will have a few days. She is a widow and doesn't have a lot of friends. We are visiting my parents for Thanksgiving. I would invite her to our house, but she can't drive this far. She lives in the Champions area. Help, mamas. I need your suggestions.
If you have the space, why not have your husband pick her up the day before and let her spend Christmas at your place. I'm not sure what your family does for gift opening, it's a BIG DEAL for my family, and it can take hours; I'll simply tell her, it's convenient for the kids to open their presents at home; that way, you don't have to transport bunch of presents between houses; also, I think you and your husband should sit with your MIL and tell her you'd love to spend this christmat at home, and she's more than welcome to come over and help to cook:-)
I agree with the previous post, how about having you husband go and get her. I think you can tell her the thing about the convenience of the kids opening the gifts at home or just tell her that as your kids are growing you would like to have a mix of traditions. You love being with her at the holidays and want the kiddos to have some memories of eating their holiday meal at home as well as out at other family members houses. I told my mother-in-law that we absolutely want to be with the family at the holidays but we want to establish some traditions at home as well and that I wanted to serve the holiday meal sometimes. She was a little weird at first but now seems great with coming to my house to celebrate. Deep down I think every mom knows that a mama wants to have some traditions to send her kids off with that come from her home and kitchen. So I think if you let her know that being with her is a priority you can coax her into to coming to your place. Even if your hubby has to slip out and get her while you make food, it could be better than not having a relaxing home holiday. If you don't have space to put her up for the night maybe make it a fun trip to look at lights as a family and take Grandma home together.
I agree that y'all should go and fetch her to celebrate at your house. If there is a dish or tradition that you know is very special to her, ask her to make it or make sure to acknowledge the tradition.
I know it isn't always easy to manage our family obligations--every "vacation" I've had for the past 10 years involves visits to the family--but this IS your children's grandmother and your husband's mother. She won't be with you forever and you need to build memories where you can.
Hi Suzanne
Here's my suggestion. Invite her to your house. Have your husband go and pick her up. Let her spend the night or 2 and than have your husband take her home. She will spend "quality" time with her son during the drive. She can still see her grand babies but the grand babies can be "free" to play with as many toys as they want, in a kid friendly home. If your husband can't pick her up and/or drive her home. Than you could do it. I also wanted to say that spending Christmas alone, sucks. I'm a military wife and my husband has been deployed A LOT. Even though I have our children with us during Christmas, it's still somewhat lonely. She doesn't have her husband anymore but she has you, her son and her grandkids. Try very hard to bring her to your home. I hope this helps
Sorry Suzanne. I misread your post. I thought that your husband passed and you remarried. Invite her to spend the time with you and yours. I have my husband pick up his mother on his own and return her so that they have a chance to discuss personal stuff that I don't need to know about. Quality time. Good luck.
Lynn
Since your children are 9,6 & 4--you are starting your own tradition. Loving suggest that you would like her to come to your home for Christmas. The door is open for her to make the change and if there is a problem of distance perhaps aks her to spend the night. If you do not take a stand you will always be teetering to her request--and as women that never sets well and our attitudes show.
Pray before you talk to her and aks God for wisdom.
Blessings
Have your husband pick her up and bring her to you guys!!! Include her, just bring her to you!
Tell her that your kids want to be at home with their new toys, and arrange to go pick her up and bring her to your house. Put yourself in her shoes. If you were in this position years from now and your daughter-in-law said it was too much trouble to come to your house, wouldn't you feel hurt and upset? I have very little family left alive because my relatives die young, and I can tell you that, IMHO, FAMILY is the most important part. Your kids won't have their grandmother forever, and you will set a really good example for them about honoring your elders.
When I was growing up, my dad had a rule - Christmas was for the kids. So on Christmas Day - we went no where. Relatives were more than welcome to visit us, but he wanted us to be able to stay home, play with out new toys and enjoy Christmas day. We did our family visiting on Christmas Eve. I did the same for my kids as they grew up. As my sisters had kids younger than mine - we gradually deferred Christmas to her house, and so on down the line.
I hear this same story so many times when couples are held "christmas hostage" by the in-laws. You should honestly communicate with her. If she is too old to drive to your house (and she has actually been cooking christmas dinner?) then perhaps one of you should go pick her up. On christmas morn - there is no traffic!
Have your DH go pick her up.
Just tell her you can't do it with all the kids. That you would love to spend the holidays with her at your house.
I agree with all the other posters about bringing her to your home. Champions and Spring are not that far apart it should be easy (I grew up in the Champions area but now live in Sugar Land and we go to my parents' house often--no biggie). After my daughter's first Christmas we told all our family that Christmas morning would be spent at home. We were a new family now and creating our own traditions. At first there was some resistance from my husband's family but we stood firm and now everyone understands and we are all happier for it. You may find some resistance from your MIL too at first because it is a change, but if you don't put your foot down you will continue to be resentful and not enjoy the holidays in the way you hope. Good luck!
P.S. We alternate Thanksgiving holiday with my inlaws and then with my family each year...after 20 years of being with my husband I STILL hear from his side "oh, you're not coming here this year?" on the off years but they get over it! Hello? You'd think after 20 years they'd figure that out! :-)
Go get her and bring her back to your house. Problem solved.
I'm a grandma & there's a time when every mother has to come to realize that her children have grown up, now have families of their own and traditions of their own to start.
This is what my family does......
A date is set for a family "gift exchange". Everyone brings a dish to contribute to the meal and their "gift". When our family numbers hit 20 & was still growing, we went with an ornament exchange to avoid having to declare bankruptcy. Everyone would bring an ornament to place under the tree for each person participating & the exchange is conducted like a white elephant exchange. After many years of this, and since everyone now has enough ornaments to decorate many trees, we are exchanging recipes this year.
It's a one day event & much less stressful than having to adapt to having people for an extended period of time and trying to cater to them and adapt to their habits.
When my kids were younger, my in-laws would come for a few days but they would stay at the Ramada up the street. That way they get to spend their time with the family and still have their quiet time after the excitement.
You said that she can't drive that far. Consider buying her a bus, train or plane ticket (whatever fits your budget).
Also, remember......she will always have her own opinion about EVERYTHING. What I tell my kids is: I will always have my opinion on how things should be done & I will always express it. Whether you listen or not is up to you. (Experience is the best teacher.)
Best of luck to you.
This is not that big of a problem. Explain that Christmas is going to be at your house this year and have your husband pick her up. If she gets nasty, have your husband talk with her. One thing you didn't mention is does your husband agree with you?
If your MIL is not able to drive a long distance - perhaps someone from your household can pick her up and take her back home - or she can spend the night and have Christmas morning with your family.
Instead of Chritmas dinner - you can change your traditions and have Christmas morning breakfast. Someone can pick her up and bring her to the house for gifts, Santa and breakfast.
When we had our family we told everyone we would have Christmas morning at our house and everyone was welcome - the door was open. We plan a breakfast and everyone brings something for it. We have parents, grandparents, step parents, great-grandparents, aunts and uncles. Our Christmas morning celebration has grown over the years and it's a good time for everyone to visit and enjoy.
Question: Is she having other folks over for Christmas dinner too? If she is you won't have to worry about her being lonely on the day. Enjoy your morning and be leisurely before you go to her home for dinner (I'm from Austin, so I don't know how far you have to drive) Enjoy dinner, honor her, be helpful, teach your children to be proper and heap attention on your mother-in-law by being courteous etc. Express gratitude and head home. Don't plan on making the time at her house a play time. By asking you to bring a game, was she intending on playing it with you, or does she mean for it just to keep the kids busy?
If she's not having anyone else over, by all means, invite her to your home. But if she doesn't like the kids' energy at her own house then she may not want to be trapped for the day at your own.
OR Take your vacation! You can find ways of honoring your mother-in-law in other ways. If you try to find ways the children can make her feel special it doesn't have to be on the day. If she doesn't have anyone else, why not invite her along..."Mom, we really appreciate the invitation but we haven't had a vacation in a very long time, and were hoping you'd come with us to Disney World...Australia...South Padre Island...the Ozarks" If she declines, you are off the hook and you can go freely...just remember to try to make the day special for her some way even though you will be absent.
My suggestion is you plan Christmas for your family at your house. You will have to travel to get your mother-in-law for the day. I would not leave her out. You can include her in celebration for the day. Then, you and your family have a few days to hang out or take a day trip. I wish you a stress free holiday.
She's a widow. She's lonely. The Bible says to honor your parents. You don't have to like her. You don't have to stay all day. Go, be courteous, but plan something fun for that afternoon for just your family. Something to look forward to; something that gives an excuse to leave, etc. Stay for a couple of hours and then leave, unless your husband has an issue with this - then you have to compromise with him. But, if he wants to go on vacation too, then go and plan an alternate Christmas get together with her on an evening before or after the vacation. Evening does not equal all day affair.
Being a grandmother - I would suggest you start a "new tradition". Pick her up on Chistmas Eve so that she can attend Christmas Eve Services with you or just be with you on Christmas Eve. She can spend the night and be there when the children open gifts Christmas Morning - explain they are getting older and you like them to be able to be at home on Christmas Day. Let her help with the cooking or prepare her special dish - put her to work - busy hands are happy hands! She will probably enjoy not doing all the cooking and being a little pampered.