So I would like to say this is just a phase but my 4 year old son keeps telling me "Im a girl". If I tell him hes being a good boy today hell say hes being a good girl. Its been going on for about a year now. I would like to think its an attention thing but he still says it when everybody is ignoring him. When he is at my sisters, all he wants to do is play dress up. Now he is taking dresses out of my closet. Pediatrician says its just a phase but it seems to be getting worse. He does play boy things the majority of the time though...machines, choo choos, climbing etc. Anybody out there have experience with this?!?
He might actually be trans-gendered. Basically something in his basic programing might not have fully changed to "male" in the womb, causing him to "feel" female when his outward appearance is male.
My personal experience is from having a very close friend go through the physical changes to become female after having been born male. He never felt comfortable in his male body, it was alien and really repulsive to him. His family wasn't very supportive and it lead him into some very dangerous behavior and deep depression before he was 18 and legally allowed to take the steps needed to change. At first I was weirded out when I found out "he" would one day be a "she", but as time passed I realized that who my friend was at the core was the person I really cared about and that his gender was just an outside package and not really who he was.
At such a young age it's hard to tell if it is a phase or if it is that he is trans-gendered. I wouldn't out right encourage the gender reversal but I wouldn't punish him for it either. Perhaps put a time limit on his "dress-up", like for an hour he can dress up but then he has to be in boy clothes after that. Punishing him and making him feel bad for something he can't really control will likely damage him as he matures. It can be hard to accept if he is truly trans-gendered, but I think in the long run if you can try and love him no matter what it won't really matter.
Good luck to you.
I come from a family who, if they know something bothers you, they'll pound it into the ground nearly to China because it's fun for them knowing it's so bothersome to you. They do it because there's a pay-off...somewhere, somehow, he'll get a look, or notice someone's body language change when he says that and think it's funny.
Kids that age LOVE to play dress up. I have a 2 year old and a 5 year old, and they both love to play dress up...my 2 year old LOVE shoes! She's our own little Imelda Marcos!
Since ignoring it doesn't seem to be working, how about going the opposite route: Try just laughing it off, and saying, "Okay, let's see what dresses would look good on you today" and let him play dress up. "How about a hat? Wouldn't that be just lovely?! Oh and don't forget your pocket-book, Dahling!" Then if it is a phase, you'll just be helping it run its course, it will cease to be fun for him, and (hopefully) voila, it'll be over.
For what it's worth...and good luck!
I have to say I totally disagree with the transgendered thing- I think people jump to that these days when its a pretty normal phase for kids. You mention when he's at your sisters- does he have girl cousins?? If so it may be that he just wants to fit in with them. My cousin has a 4 year old and he's a police officer- he wears his police uniform every day after school, he'll arrest you if you come in their house, and even calls his parents by their first names because hes a grown up police man not a kid... my point its probably no different than that, espically if he hangs out with girls, most boys will play house or barbies or dress up if they have friends that are girls. The same as girls will play with GI Joes. I'd keep ignoring it- maybe not use the word boy or girl- He'll most likely move on. Good luck!
These is a good section about this in the child care book by Dr. James Dobson and Paul C. Reisser, MD . I think it's called The Complete Guide to Baby and Child Care. It's related to Gender Identity and how to foster healthy identity. (not the whole book, but a section of it). Because what you don't want to do is make a big deal of it and squash his self esteem.
Maybe see if you can find it in the library or go to the bookstore and read the section there (if you don't want to buy the whole book).
Is there a positive male role model in his life? If not, maybe having him around an Uncle, his Grandfather, etc on routinely scheduled visits may help. He's a bit young for Big Brothers, Big Sisters (they accept as young as six), but you could also go that route when he is old enough.
Good luck!
i wonder if you have gently explained that the only thing different about a boy and a girl are the "pee parts". show him a picture book (or use your's and husbands bodys if comfortable) to easily show him the difference, and ;let him know that there are no such things as "boy things to play" or girls things to do....perhaps he is a lovely example of the new generation that is just a little less stuck in the old paradigms of role playing. he is a boy strictly because of his body, but that does not have to limit him to what he enjoys in this life.
Womens dresses and fabrics are soft and fun to dress up in...perhaps create a dress up box for him with a wide variety of things from capes, to boots to cloaks(not to different from a mommy dress really) and let him explore safely and without subtle judgement or feeling something is not right.
He should grow out of it. My boy did. We used to have to buy him dresses to wear only in the house for dress up. By the time he got to Kindergarten he was fine. I would only worry about it if he's 8 or 9 and still saying it. My boy even played with barbies. Now, he's not a typical boy (he was a ballet dancer for 8 years and now it persuing acting). He doesn't like sports, but he likes girls and video games. He just walks to the beat of his own drum. Enjoy the stage, you'll have lots of great pictures to embarrass him with as a teenager (I don't show them to his friends, but it's my job to be and embarrassing parent and I'm good at it :) ) Best of luck,
Caroline
I think this is normal for that age. One of my boys used to love to watch me put on makeup, and wish that he could wear it too. He used to ask me (while I was painting my nails) "Why are girls the only ones who get to have pretty nails?" And they used to love to wear my high heels and shoes around the house. His favorite color was pink, and he LOVED My Little Ponies and Littlest Pet Shop. One year for Christmas (when he was 5) he really wanted the My Little Pony Castle. And I totally bought it for him... I figured that buying him a pink My Little Pony Castle when he was 5 wasn't going to determine if he was going to be gay or not lol.
Don't worry, he'll grow out of it.... if nothing else when he goes to school and doesn't want to be girlie in front of the other boys. =)
No worries.... honestly. I can see how this could be worrisome and how you worry about his sexuality and future. This is very normal, if you keep him away from the " girl" things, than this will attract him to it all the more. Instead give him a wide variety of things to play with and don't specify boy or girl stuff. I would let him pretend to be a girl if he wants, the same way my 4 year old pretends to be a puppy all day long. I was a preschool teacher for 15 years and all the boys loved the dress up, cooking and mothering.
DO NOT make a big deal about this to your son. If you do it will make his gender identity even harder. My son is 4 and he is also very interested in gender differences. When I was that age I used to be very very convinced that I was black when I was a baby. I don't know where that came from (maybe because I was in foster care?). Anyway, get him old Halloween costumes he can play dress up too. He just wants to make believe. My son wants to put on makeup because mama dos and I told him that mama wears makeup but Daddy and Jesse don't. Chloe doesn't either right now. He just wants to be like us. Find other ways to let him explore his imagination. Like the Children's Museum in Cleveland (or something along those lines).
Dear Nicola,
Sounds like your child is trangendered. Not an easy thing to cope with, but it isn't fatal. Come back to me with a private message and I'll link you to a lot of stuff.
All babies start out as girls. They morph into boys through a complicated chemical process that effects body AND brain. Sometimes the brain doesn't go all the way to boy and that person is stuck in the wrong body. There is no knows cure for the brain but there is a way to bring the body into harmony. Article below will give you a place to start and 20/20 did a show on children with that condition.
God Bless,
Suzi
'Life is Sometimes a Greek Tragedy'
Written by Monique de Knegt
The Limburgs Dagblad (Netherlands)
Saturday 9th January
Nowhere else in the world do they know as much about transsexualism than in the teaching hospital of the Free University in Amsterdam. Under the guidance of Professor Doctor L G Gooren, some two thousand men and women have changed their gender. His patients are increasingly younger. He prefers to investigate the minds of small children in the bid to solve the great riddle of transsexualism - 'These tragic lives from which I would so willingly spare people.'
'One Person gets appendicitis, another is transsexual. Nothing can be done about it. But a transsexual has extreme difficulties and carries an enormous burden. What other people do not even consider is for them a life-sized problem. Their sense of masculinity or femininity is not self-evident. Worse, the physical body is in sharp contrast to mental belief. That deforms people.'
Balding. A moustache. Typical outer signs of a man. Professor Dr L G Gooren, professor of transexuology, has never felt other than male. 'No, not for one moment. Transsexualism is extremely rare. There are about 150 cases a year (in the Netherlands). Parents have more chance of their child being involved in a road accident than that they will have a conflict about their gender. For most people, transsexualism is a totally alien concept. They are unable to imagine it.
'I do not know how transsexuals feel. I would think it a disaster if I personally were in that condition. After handling two thousand cases, I know how overwhelming the problem is. If I had to put a figure on their quality of life, I would assess it as a three. After surgery, it climbs a few points. But problems remain in their lives.'
Girls who bind their breasts flat; boys who wear dresses. There have always been such people. In earlier times, such girls have gone to sea or joined the army. The boys were rarely able to enter a convent and take up a cloistered life amongst women. Often, they killed themselves. Nowdays, women can wear jacket and trousers and do a man's job if they wish. For men, a dress remains taboo.
'They deny their transsexualism and go and do what men do. They choose masculine professions such as the military of building work; they marry and often have less sexual but more companionable relationships with their wives. Their problem, though, remains unresolved. You cannot throw transsexualism out of the window - it chooses you for life.
'We have had clergymen here who have served the church for a long time and have now chosen for themselves. There was a 78 year old man who finally decided to express his own personality. The whole of his life was a flight from the inner self. He was married three times. We treated him with hormones and removed his penis. Normally we would have created a vagina but that presented risks at his age and it did not concern him too much. He wanted, above all, to be a man no longer. The operation cost 1200 guilders (#350 sterling). He feels a lot happier and is now 87.' When people come to the clinic, after years of internal conflict, they often have failed suicide attempts behind them. At the clinic, they find the first understanding of their dilemma. After exhaustive discussions, about two-thirds of the applicants continue with treatment.
'It is not enough to just be transsexual. One must be able to make a reasonable transition to the other gender. If you are 6'3" tall and take size 12 shoes, you are unlikely to be a glamour girl. There are also, for sure, accomplished transsexuals who are now KLM stewardesses.'
Women receive hormone treatment which stops their menstruation, deepens the voice and starts beard growth. With men, hormones increase breast size and alter the distribution of fat over the body. This phase lasts eighteen months and is considered as the 'know-that-you're-sure' test before the big operation. Just two or three percent drop out at this stage.
With men the operation involves reworking the penis to form a vagina. Breasts are often enlarged and excessively broad jaws and chins reduced (average cost 7000 guilders - 2300 sterling). The "new woman" can have intercourse and even an orgasm.
The operation for women is more complex (15000 guiders - #4800 sterling). Not only must the breasts be removed but the construction of a penis is more difficult than creating a vagina.
'From the clitoris, enlarged by hormone treatment, we make a penis about 3 to 4 inches long. This cannot stiffen. But this will be improved in the future. There are already operations being done which use a pump mechanism such as is also used by impotent men.'
The "new men" are not weighed down by their impotence. They find it more important that they can urinate standing than that they cannot penetrate a woman.
The FTM transsexual is, in general, more satisfied than the MTF transsexual who, after the operation, certainly feels happier but can still struggle with psychiatric problems and may take refuge in drink or drugs or attempt suicide.
'Many expect that they will get a more perfect female body than they do - a body with plump skin and no hair. Outside, in public, they can attract attention and some people jeer at them. Society demands much higher standards of appearance from a woman than it does from a man. A male can be unkempt and shamble along and nobody even comments about it.'
Further, many "new women" have both lost their job and their partner. Coping with that takes some doing. Half of the "new women" feel very isolated. "New men" fare somewhat better. They usually have work and a partner and feel less lonely.
'Women are much more tolerant of transsexuals. They are prepared to have a relationship with a man who was formerly a woman. There are also wives who stay with husbands who have undergone SRS. Companionship in marriage doesn't go away. I don't know exactly why women are more tolerant than men. I think that they are more understanding, less ready to jump in with instant judgements. They have a wholly stabilising effect. Men are anxiety-ridden creatures, frightened of the unusual. Women are remarkably understanding, wiser.'
Apart from transsexuals, Gooren also sees in his practice as internist and endocrinologist, other people with seemingly sexual and gender behavioural problems. Men with breasts, women with too much hair in the wrong places, impotent men, pedophiles. Everything that has anything to do with hormones falls within Gooren's province.
'It is inspiring to realise that a chemical substance has so powerful an impact on human existence.'
The male hormone testosterone also plays a part in violence and moral misbehaviour.
'With men, there can be much more amiss. You find perversion and bizarre sex desires more often in men than you do women. The process of being male is biologically and psychologically more difficult. Hormones play a part but do not explain why somebody is a pedophile or a sex-murderer. We are well aware that when we alter the testosterone balance, the situation can be controlled. We can help stabilise matters. I get patients who volunteer to be chemically castrated. Pedophiles who cannot keep their hands off little boys or girls. We suppress the sexual desire, turn down the flame under the pot, as it were. We remove the feelings of lust which they find tiresome.
'Of course, children must be protected but these people cannot help feeling the desire for little girls and boys that other men have for young women of nineteen. Life is sometimes like a Greek tragedy.'
There are about three times as many transsexual men as there are women. 'There are many more development disturbances and turning points in the process of becoming male. If you look at children who are apparently born sexless, further investigation tends to show they are more likely to be boys than girls. With male transsexuals there seems to be a 'missing link' of maleness somewhere in the brain. They have a self-portrait that belongs in a woman's head. We are totally ignorant about the cause of this. We cannot yet solve the Great Riddle of transsexualism. Earlier, people thought it was purely a psychiatric disorder. And the idea still lives on amongst some psychiatrists although Swaab has demonstrated that the brains of MTF transsexuals are organised in a female way. For many transsexuals this was a liberation - it showed that they could do nothing about their feelings. There is nothing in the transsexual condition - as with homosexuals - which defies scientific investigation. Some homosexuals feel that when the causes of homosexuality are discovered, then they could take a pill to cure it. Hysterical babble from those who want to ignore biological fact. People are always curious about their nature but the rest is ignorance and fashionable prattle.'
Gooren thinks no more of simple biological and social contrasts.
'It seems to me to be a combination of factors. The question is when the brain of a transsexual becomes organised differently, at birth or if is it caused by other factors. Transsexualism is not genetic. It doesn't run in families. One twin can be transsexual, the other not. It is not a matter of environment or of upbringing. It occurs in all cultures, in all countries throughout history. It affects people with an IQ of 80 and those with one of 150. People who had a loving upbringing and those who were neglected are equally affected.
'I think it has to be a combination of biological and social factors. Possibly some children interpret differently their parents' signals about masculinity and femininity. In Utrecht, there was research amongst children of 3, 4 and 5 years of age who did not fit easily into their peer groups. There were boys who played with dolls, girls who played football and adamantly refused to wear dresses.
Such children were bullied and have no life. In Utrecht, they were not forced to give up such behaviour but learned how to survive it. We also investigated the knowledge and growth of transsexualism. Many transsexuals always say that they knew from a very early age that they were different. But that is a subsequent reconstruction and scientifically weak. Peoples' memories are totally selective and often full of fantasy.
I would dearly love to know why people are transsexual. It is a sick thought but all the same: take such a child if it should die and have the parents' permission to investigate the brain ... It is not yet technically possible to research living brains. The specimen is too small to examine through a scan or other means. It can only be done with a microscope.'
Gooren wants to know not just for the sake of it. 'I should like to forestall transsexualism. That sounds dismissive of transsexuals, as if they should not be like that. That is not my meaning.
The human spirit always tries to move from wretchedness to something worthy. Just look at the people who survived the concentration camps. But the lives of transsexuals are often so tragic that I want to spare people from enduring such lacerating problems.'
If transsexuals are treated at a much younger age they can, according to Gooren, be spared much anguish. 'If you are already bald, as I am, it is difficult to grow a head of hair. There are benefits in early recognition and treatment. In puberty, you can stop menstruation and breast development in girls. With boys, you can halt beard growth and stop the voice breaking. We have treated young people in this way who have subsequently steamed through university in their new sex. They scarcely think about their transsexualism. They have done with all that and it has nothing like an impact on the rest of their lives.
'By dealing with the condition at an early stage, we can bring the mind and the body into harmony. We have seen many girls who believed they were really boys and vice-versa. We can relieve them of many years of agony and distress.
'There will always be children who persistently believe that they should be of the other gender such as the girl who starts to shriek if you tell her that she will grow breasts and start to menstruate.
The future alone will tell if men and women will also contract the ailments and illnesses associated with their new sex - breast cancer, prostate cancer, brittle bone disease.
'It is too early yet to say. But transsexuals are the best cared-for group in the Netherlands. They spend their lives under the supervision of the Free University Hospital.'
Written by Monique de Knegt
The Limburgs Dagblad (Netherlands)
Saturday 9th January
Provided and translated by Deborah Lake ( [email protected]) 1
I agree with the moms who suggest not to worry. My daughter is 3.5 and in daycare. It's not unusual for me to walk in at the end of the day to get her and find the 3 and 4-year-old boys in her class in a cheerleading outfit or dress. I think all kids that age like to play dress up. It's not unusual to see the girls playing with "boy" toys, either. I read in one of my parenting magazines (sorry I can't remember which one) that children this age are just beginning to understand the difference between boys and girls. Often when they play dress up it's more to be like the adults than a specific gender role (like boys may think they're an "adult" instead of "mom" when they wear high heels).
Another thought is to play along with him when he says he's a girl. My daughter says she's Hannah Montana and I say, "You are?!" and we get a laugh out of it. Maybe it will help him to know you're playing with him.
Be patient and loving and I'm sure it will all work out. Good luck.
No experience, but my advice would be to just roll with it. He obviously knows what he likes and what he wants. Just let him be.
A gender identity issue is not the end of the world. :)
Hi, Nicole,
My nine year old son is such a typical "boy" when it comes to girls - saying he doesn't like them, but chasing them at recess, getting embarrassed when I suggest one of his female friends "likes" him; giggling as he tells me how one of his classmates has a "total crush" on him, and he thinks he'll have to marry her....etc.
It's such a fun stage to watch, and I really didn't know if I'd ever see it, considering he was a "girl" from age 3-5. And when he didn't flat out say he WAS a girl, he would say he WISHED he were a girl. He wanted to wear make-up. He wanted long hair. He wanted to wear skirts. sigh
I just went with it, and didn't show any real emotion. I just said he could have long hair when he got older and could care for it himself, and men wear make-up, too, but nothing noticeable, unless they're actors, and our culture does not well tolerate boys in skirts, so he'll either have to move to Scotland or adjust to wearing pants. He pretty much accepted my answers and would talk about when he was older he would do those things, then gradually he stopped talking about even that. And, now, if I sometimes make a joke about how would he like to be a girl, he's horrified!
So, I guess my point is, it's probably a stage. And one which most boys go through. Yes, it may last longer than other boys (my son's sure did!) but talk about it calmly, if you feel the need to talk about it at all.
Blessings, Joyce
I think he's too little to tell if he's transgender, so I wouldn't really consider that. He's little and likes to play dress up and pretend. My sister always used to say she was a boy when she was little and we both liked playing with boy things like trucks and He-Man toys. In her view, boys got to do more fun things and had better toys. She eventually grew out of this though. This might be how your son is feeling (he just likes girl things right now or thinks girls have neat and pretty things to play with). Have you gone over gender differences with him yet? Maybe ask him in a non-judgmental way "why do you say you're girl?" He may have a really simple answer for you.
Your child is at the age when one determines his/her gender identity. Let your child figure it out and accept your child whether your child is a boy or a girl. Your child just needs time and love.
That is a very interesting situation! A couple of things come to my mind. I have a cousin who used to wear our grandma's wigs and high heels and push a vacuum cleaner around when he was a little boy. He dated a girl all through high school, but eventually he came out as bisexual, and then gay. I had a young adult friend who would not admit he was gay but would call himself a girl and would date men who claimed to be straight. My friend did not want to get a sex change, because God made him with a penis. Eventually he finally came to terms with being gay and had a happy, gay relationship. Your son may or may not be gay. He may be going through a phase and just using his imagination, like when kids pretend to be animals and such. He could be one of those cases where physically the person is one sex but their brain chemistry is the other. These are complicated issues. You may want to see a child psychologist and learn about these possibilities so you can prepare yourself in the event that your son is gay or is really a girl inside. Mothering magazine's latest issue has an article dealing with how to handle a child's coming out as gay. For now just be patient, don't shame your son, get professional advice, and be open to any possible cause. God bless, Rita
It may or may not be a phase. He may have the body of a boy but the mind of a girl. It is no big deal he is your son and regardless you should always love and protect him.No one understands it completely. He may out grow it but I wouldn't hold my breath. Let him be him.
Hi Nicole, I do have experience with this situation. My grandson dated a couple girls in high school but always seemed miserable. While we were on a vacation he called to say he 'is coming out of the closet'. I didn't believe him at first. When he was more or less kicked out of the church which he had been going to and baptised and worked so hard for about 14 years I felt so bad for him. He was treated so badly even by some of the family. I look back and remember how he loved doing more female things. His dad told him if he ever found out that he is gay he would disown him, and he pretty much tolorates him but not like a dad should. Well to make a long story short we have accepted him for who he is and love him the same as when we thought of him as being male. He does not dress feminine but lives in a small town and looked down upon for his being gay. I have an answer for you, don't worry let him be himself and love him unconditionally if it is a phase he will out grow it, if not help him to be happy. Good luck