I am not sure I am looking for advice (though all are welcome) on this rant. I am at my witts end with my DH. After having kids I found that he has become increasingly selfish and he is not a very good parent/roll model for our children. Here are some examlpes. He sleeps until 10 or 11 every weekend and then says he needs an hour to wake up after that. If he does by chance get up prior to that time he will need a nap in the afternoon. He rarely spends quality time with us as a family as I usually call my mom to go with me to take the kids to the zoo etc...and he doesn't even care that I don't even ask him to go anymore. His idea of bonding with his kids is to play wrestle with them for 10 minutes and then he is done with them for the day. He consistantly is angry with our son (ADHD) but will not go seek help on how to deal with a child that has this. He is always complaining about his work in front of the kids which I do not think sets a good example for them for their future. He can always get out of work early or take a day off to do something fun (go to the bar) with his buddies but if I need him for something I get a lecture about how "he can't just take a day off or leave a half hour early". I am getting to the point that I can hardly stay in the same room with him and if I suggest to him that he doesn't seem happy with our family life he just blows up. Trust me I tried the old sit him down and lets talk it out approach (likes most mature couples would do) and it ends up with him acting as if "how dare I put down super dad!". Sorry to ramble but I am not sure where I need to go from here. If any knows of a good marriage counselor (omaha, ne) please let me know. I am at the point I think the kids would be better off without us together then with us together because of all the tension. UGHHHH!!!!
I am sorry for the way he is acting towards you and your children. It is very frustrating to have someone liuke that in the home. I dont know of any marriage counselors but My pastor at the Vineyard Christian Fellowship
13305 I St, Omaha, NE 68137 (402) 393-9077
(near the sams club and home depot) Is a great person to talk to . His name is Pastor Scott Ross. ( I dont know if you are religous but just if you need a middle man to help out I hope you would give it a shot. The website to them is: http://www.omahavineyard.org/ if you would like to understand them a little more before calling. They hold marriage groups also. He is a wonderful person has always helped us out in our time of need. I hope you find peace in your relationship.
Wow you just described my dad when I was growing up. Your husband sounds like my dad. I have major issues with my dad to this very day, and decided I'd rather not have him a part of my life or my child's life last summer so we haven't spoken to him in months now. I kept thinking my dad would change, I blamed myself if I was a little better if I did this or that. At the age of 27 I finally realized he was never going to change. I feel I was nothing but a burden to my dad growing up. He would say things like children should be seen and not heard. He never took me anywhere or did anything special. We too would wrestle and beat eachother up in the family room for fun but that was about it. When he came home from work he just wanted to drink his beer and sit in front of the tv. He never helped me with homework or anything. He was also a single father so used that as his excuse. Why I'm telling you this, is because it still effects me to this very day and my brothers and I have all had serious relationship-life problems because of his lack of love and caring. PLEASE do something, it's not a healthy environment for your children. My dad slept til noon or so when I was little, on weekends. Friday night was his bowling/drinking night. I was to fend for myself often. I took myself trick or treating in 2nd grade because noone would go with me...that is so dangerous. All he cared about was himself he is the most selfish person I know.
Don't have much to say except that you are not alone. Did you ever consider going to counceling for you. I doubt that you will get him to go, but it might be very rewarding for you to at least get out your feelings. It also may allow you to think more clearly on whether you want to work on the relationship or decide that you are better off without him. It is hard... kids don't make it easier and sounds like your husband is depressed and in denial about it. Good luck ...
Connie- I so know how you feel! I actually did the "sit down" with my husband and said that maybe we should get some counselling and that did not go well either. My dh is fine withthe kids but will just go watch tv in the bedroom while I am at work adn then when I get home and ask o\how things went he doesn't say anything and then if there is a spat between the kids he says "now you know how I feel". Mind you this is from a DH who has worked on the rd for 5 years and is usually only at home on weekends! I just ignore him. I actually went as far as saying that I love him but if he doesn't wantt o start acting like part of the family he can leave. He has improved since that discussion. He also does the Oh is there someone else to me and I told him that one adult male is enough in my life and there is no way I would do it again! So just to let you know that you are not alone! Good Luck!
Connie- I can feel and sympathize with your situation.
Go to a marriage counsellor- with our without him.
If he cares enough, he'll follow along- eventually.
Call your insurance- they will recommend a local one.
Best of luck and it's tough with kids, much less one with special requirements.
Brenda Jarmoluk
[email protected]
http://www.mydietshop.org check out liftoff for your ADHD son or contact me for more info, check out relax now for yourself ; )
Connie, this is one of those topics that can be very controversial. Some women may say, he'll never change and just leave him, and others will start preaching the bible (no offense please) that divorce is not in God's eyes and just live with it. My advice, go beyond just talking it out and cut right to the chase. Simply ask him, "do you realize you are losing your family? Do you even care that you are?"
My husband quite honestly was the exact same way, with the exception of him leaving early for work. That was something he never did unless it was for family. He was very disrespectful to my feelings without even realizing it. Though I knew he loved us, I didn't feel loved. I felt like his tv and gagdets were more important than me and my son (my girls live with their father during the school-year). I was always paniced about having supper ready in time, so that his grumpiness would be eased with food in his mouth (hungry = instant grouch). I made the decision that I was going to leave him and that our marriage was basically over. I did try talking to him many many times. It usually ended with one of us saying "F" you and walking out the door. Keep in mind this was building up over years, and not just days or months.
It actually took him almost losing me for him to realize what he was doing to me personally, our family, and our marriage. I seriously had my plan in motion. What it came down to was he didn't even realize what he was doing. No matter how much I told him that he was hurting my feelings, he didn't get it. Once he realized what he was doing (and after a few counseling sessions), I got the man that I married back. He did a complete 180, and quite honestly, I fell in love with him all over again. I think we are more happy now than when we first got married.
I am so sorry that this became so long-winded. I don't want you to throw your marriage away though. It took my being in another man's arms and the possibility of carrying that man's baby to open my husband's eyes. I know that was a bad decision on my part, but going through what we did, and working on our marriage the way we did made us so strong. Now knowing that our new little one is my husband's, I was asked if I wished I had never said anything about the affair. I said no, because our marriage would have failed anyway. I'm not telling you to got romp with someone else, but don't let your marriage and your feelings towards your husband lead you astray. It was by the grace of God that things worked out the way they did.
Becky
Connie,
I understand that you are frustrated with your husband because he is not living up to your expectations. You are right to seek professional counseling for your relationship. Even if he won't go, you can go. As someone mentioned earlier, you husband is probably clinically depressed and doesn't acknowledge it or know how to handle it.
Regarding the statement that your kids would be better off alone with you, I would tread very carefully on that one. Unless there is clear abuse going on, (I don't mean he doesn't meet your expectations of a good father, I mean abuse) it is not in anyone's best interest to break apart your family. It is most likely that your children will end up resenting YOU for it, regardless of your motives or his behavior.
He may agree to go to counseling, he may not. But marriages aren't 50-50%, they are 100-100%, and if you want to keep yours together, you may be pulling the full 100% for a while. No, it isn't fair to you. But do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?
Your husband will NEVER soften or change from you arguing about it, no matter how valid your point. If you ever want to have even the slightest change in him, you have to love him into it. You can't conditionally love him when he lives up to your expectations; you have to love him regardless. You have to drop your defenses, recognize that neither of you are perfect and love and serve and bless your husband. It may not work for years. But doing that will be a gift far greater to your children than continuing to fight with your husband or breaking up your family.
I would start by telling him that you and the kids would really like to spend some time with him. Not in a "you haven't been here for us" way, but sincerely. Ask him what he would like to do and when he is available. Whatever it is, even if it is watching TV together at home on Saturday afternoon when you had better ideas, go with it. Thank him. Compliment him when he does spend time with the kids. Try to see what is troubling him so much and empathize (walk in his shoes for a while.)
I recognize that this isn't fair. Life isn't fair. You are going to have to be the bigger person in the relationship and hold your family together for a while for your family's sake. I am not trying to excuse his behavior. He is clearly not perfect. That isn't the point. The point is, do you want to be right or do you want to be married? You clearly saw goodness in this man or you wouldn't have married him and brought children into the relationship. Try to remember who you married and love him.
There have been a lot of studies done on relationships long term. I won't quote statistics to you, but the majority of marriages who are struggling, if the couple will just stick it out and work hard on loving, will find in 5-10 years that they are happier. And the majority of people who choose divorce admit after that getting one and parenting afterwards is far more difficult than they ever imagined.
Again, I am not excusing his behavior. I am not blaming you. I am just telling you what you can do if you want your marriage to even have a chance of getting better. The only person anyone can change is themselves, so you have got to work on yourself and not worry about whether he is working on himself. Everyone says "marriages are hard, there will be bad times" before you get married, but no one goes into details. Everyone gets to find out what that means after they are in one. Marriage is the fundamental unit of society and in this society, they have become disposable. They are not disposable; they are indispensible. Good luck. I sincerely hope your husband feels your love for him and it warms his heart and he wants to spend more time with you and the kids.
Take care,
Shellie
Your DH needs a wake-up call. I do not have a referral for a good marriage counselor in your area, but that's a good place to start. Perhaps a local church could lead you in the right direction. You also should communicate to your husband that you no longer have confidence in your future together and tell him why. Meanwhile, seek the support of your family and friends to help you get through what may be a difficult, yet eventually enlightening process. Good luck to you and have faith! You and your children deserve and need a husband/father who is present and engaged. Let your current frustration be the impetus for positive change.
Hi Connie,
Have you ever heard the saying you can only change yourself? I think that is very true you only have control of changing yourself, not your husband.
There is a good book for wives called Created to be His Help Meet. I don't agree with everything in the book, and that is ok because it is not the Bible. Anyways, if your interested, you can order it online at www.NoGreaterJoy.org.
Sharon
Try and seek marriage counselor. If not you option may be to leave. Just make sure to try all avenues, this way you dont think you didnt try. No one deserves to be treated this way. Maybe he is depressed, but he needs to get it together. I wish you all the best of luck and God bless!
Lynette
you are sooooo right! Get him to see that you both need to counsel together, and that your tensions are very bad for the kids! If he loves them, he should see this.
If he refuses to cooperate, you and the kids need to pack up and leave for awhile; good friend or family member that is supportive of your goal.
My parents fought and were never on the same page when I was a kid. It was painful and destructive. And it made my marriage life real hard in the beginning! Kids learn what they live. You are right, he needs to grow up and become responsible and a better example, and you need to refuse to fight around the kids, or get out with them!
Good luck! This is a hard situation.
Leslie P.
Connie,
(((((((hug)))))))))first! I am sorry to hear you are dealing with this. I can tell you the best 2 books I ever read saved my marriage early on. Dr. Laura Schlessinger wrote The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and Dr. Gary Chapman wrote The Five Love Languages for Couples.
We had 4 children in 3.5 years and my husband had always been selfish because he was the baby of the family and never had to "share" of himself. Wow did the children send us into a tailspin because of the difference in our natures-I am a first born who cares for everyone. I have some questions for you to ask yourself- and you have to be honest- not arguing your point in your head- be honest.
1- Does he do something that HE thinks is a sign of his love for you- but you just don't get the fuzzies over it and you wonder why he is doing it because it is obvious to you he does not understand that is not what you want? (this is a love language issue then- you are both loving and not in the same language)
2- Are you taking time for HIM? I know this is a hard one. You CANNOT afford to put the children first. Your husband is the one who will be there (God willing) when they are grown and gone. The children are a RESULT of your relationship with him- they are not to take the place of our marriage once they are born, rather we fit THEM INTO our marriage. I know how hard it is to take the time to put on a negligee or want to watch a hockey game when you really dont like it- let alone to take the time to plan a date for each other. He may be feeling left out. You both had the children, but in most homes, then the mom becomes focused on the kids and thinks the husband should be okay with "holding on" until she has "time" and "energy" for him. I have found that when I took the time to put my hubby first, the rest fell into line. The kids were more managable and I was less stressed- and amazingly enough- HE WANTED to HELP! I was shocked.
3-IF you are considering leaving him: you are already doing this all alone in your mind, right? Except you aren't. He is still there some, and he is providing part or all of the income- if you leave- you TRULY will be doing it ALL alone. Are you ready to watch your children go through the trauma of divorce or separation (both DH and I are products of this) and to have them still watch you fight with thier dad about money, time and responsibility? Divorce does not change that- it just makes it harder to manage what little resources you have. I would strongly urge you to consider that unless he is abusive to you or the children or is putting you in danger (by extramarital "fun")then stay and give it 2 years to work on.
We are now taking a small group study on a book called Love and Respect. Let me tell you- it is amazing how much made sense right off the bat. Do not get the book and tell him to read it... that won't work. Men "hear" things differently from us. Instead here are the magic words: I NEED. For example: I feel (one word feeling here)unhappy (or neglected or sad) that we do not communicate well. I need (no accusations here- just what you need)to go to counseling and I need you to go with me to support me.
The key is what YOU feel and what YOU need (not want).
I know you may blow off this whole post- and that is ok, but I have to tell you we are now in our 15th year of marriage and we both came from broken families- had NO examples of healthy marriage. I am in college now to become a pastor who counsels couples and women on marrital and sexual issues. I am not saying this is professinal advice by far, but it is definitely from experience.
Many of the other ladies have made some VERY valid points and advice. If you are Christian or Jewish, please pray over this (or meditate, whatever).
Blessings.
Thats too bad! Hes missing out on alot that life has to offer. Raising children and having a family is one of the most rewarding things in life,probably the whole purpose of life. He sounds like he might be depressed. Is he willing to go to counceling? I dont live in Omaha so I cant refer you to a counceler but I do study natural healing and food is one of your best medicines,not just for energy and moods but the ADHD. I would look into that and also watch or read "The Secret" It is so uplifting and will give you a whole new out look on life.
I hope this helps! Good Luck!
Connie, if nothing else, go to counseling by yourself. I doubt that he would be willing to go with. He sounds a lot like my x husband. After years of fighting with him to do what he is supposed to as a father and a husband, I'd had enough. His idea of being a good father and husband was that he brought home the pay and that was all he had to do. Literally. Everything else was left to me. Finally I realized that I too could earn a paycheck to live on just as well and still do everything. It hasn't been easy let me tell you, but I am so much happier now.
Kids are resilient. A couple of years after I took the kids and left, both my kids confessed to me that they used to pray that we would get divorced and are happy that we did. My son (16) even tells me that he now knows how not to be because his dad has continually set that example for him. My daughter (13) is continually in her dads face during visits trying to get him to spend time with her and often comes home frustrated and unhappy with him. Both my kids love their dad but neither have any respect for him as he has continued to behave the same selfish ways towards them. They don't blame me at all, in fact when I took my maiden name back my kids asked if they too could change their last name (I refused that). Kids see and understand so much more than we ever give them credit for. Even divorce and losing his family didn't cause this selfish man to change.
I'm not saying that divorce is the answer for you, but coming from this end, it's not the end all that many would have you believe. It isn't easy, but it is easier than living with what we were and I wouldn't change a thing. We are all happier for it. The decision is yours and it's a tough one. Took me two years to make it and the day I told him I wanted out was the toughest day of my life, one that I will always remember. I will always remember too that both my kids told me, "finally" when I told them what was going to happen. My kids were actually excited to be starting a new life and very happy that they wouldn't have to deal with their dad and his selfish ways on a daily basis anymore and that the fighting wasn't going to be an issue in the house anymore.
So don't worry much about the kids, they will do fine either way. Get to a counselor and make the best decision for you and your kids. You may even consider taking your kids for a couple of sessions (especially if you decide to leave, they will need it to help them with the transition, even if they are happy for the change. It did my kids a world of good.)
For me, the catalyst was in seeing what all the problems were doing to my kids and it was for their sake that I finally found the courage I needed to leave. (My x also denies that our son has ADHD and Sensory problems. For him, to admit that there is a problem with his kids is to admit that he has a problem, something he will never do). My children are better for it, as am I. I realize that this is not the road for everyone, just thought you might like the opinion of someone on the other side. Good luck to you hun, you've got some hard decisions ahead of you. Make the one that is best for you and your kids.
Hi Connie,
It sounds as if you know what you have to do. If he isn't listening to your heart to hearts then it may be best to seek professional help. If he doesn't want to, you will at least know you tried. If you aren't happy your kids are picking up on that too. Just remember (From personal experience) that you can't change something that doesn't want to be changed. I hope things work out for the best for you and your family. Nikki
It sounds very much like your husband is suffering from depression. We as women very often miss this obvious disorder in our husbands because the behavior tends to be drastically different for depressed men as opposed to depressed women.
"Unlike women, "men don't come in talking about feeling sad or depressed per se," says Sam Cochran, PhD, a psychologist at the University of Iowa and co-author of Deepening Psychotherapy With Men. "They come in complaining about problems at work or their performance on the job." Instead of being weepy, men are more apt to be irritable and angry -- moods that aren't included in the classic diagnostic tests. "Their sadness and helplessness are hidden behind a mask of anger," says Pollack. Often, unfortunately, neither doctors nor men themselves recognize that as a red flag."
Here's the rest of that story:
I sincerely hope you are able to get your husband the help he needs, but be ready for a challenge. You'll be in my prayers!
Dear Connie, I too know how you feel. My approach has been multiple fold - a little bit of all the things that people have already suggested to you. We did some counseling and it helped a little bit. He got treated for depression. It helped a little bit. We try to talk things out, and it also helps a little bit. I have had a special friend to do things with and confide in - probably has saved my life. But nothing changes the inherent nature of our guys - they are selfish, they are insecure, and they don't realize what they're losing. I know my husband loves and needs us, but he doesn't know how to interact socially with us and I think feels intimidated by us. My husband does do a lot with our kids individually, and I realize from a financial point that we are better off together than apart. Yes, our expectations are not unreasonable for many, but I think that we have to accept that our situation is not going to provide an equal partner, a friend, a real lover. I am not willing to get a divorce because I don't want one day or holiday to go by without my kids with me. That is something I won't compromise. One thing I learned to tell myself is that I can live with a lot more than I thought I could. I suggest dealing with the tension personally and give it time. I actually privately commit to "one more year" every time our anniversary rolls around, and now we've made it 17 years. I do think it's better for all of us to remain an intact family as flawed as it is. It teaches our kids that life isn't perfect and that we need to make the best out of Plan B. Good luck and God bless.
I am a person who believes you get what you give in life. In my experience, most men are selfish and they do put themselves before anyone in their family. I too deal with a man that puts his work and his play time ahead of us. He comes home from work and we don't see him for an hour or two. He lays around in the morning and expects us to take care of dishes and breakfast while he is waited on hand and foot. These men will only change if they want to. You can't make them change, and if you don't want to spend the rest of your days with a selfish man then you should move on, if he is not willing to at least give a new approach a try. Your kids see the relationship you have with your husband and it is setting a bad example for them. I'm afraid it's going to take a serious talk to get your man on the right track. You deserve better and so do your children. This too shall pass and there is a light at the end of the tunnel...you have to keep on getting on for your sake and your children. SOunds like you need some YOU time, just like your husband gets. I think that is what gets us women, we spend all of our time making sure everyone else is taken care of and we forget about ourselves. Go take time for yourself and that will force your husband to have to do something with his children.
There needs to be some counseling for your marriage to survive. But until he is willing to accept that idea, send the kids to grandma's for the weekend, put the cops on speed dial (just in case), and sit his a** down and make him listen to your side of it and make him talk to you. It will really suck but if you threaten a divorce he might sit up and think, "Hmm maybe something needs to change?" If he still loves you and wants it to work, he will take notice if you make him. Good luck, be strong!