Oh my gosh! NOOOOOOO! I know everyone on this post are saying the SAME thing to you. So you gotta laugh by now. :)
My prediction is that it will only create MORE drama.
good luck.
Nope, don't give her the keys. I don't care how you explain it or if you just keep "forgetting" forever and ever till she finally gets the picture that it's NOT going to happen. But don't do it.
Oh, you absolutely should NOT give her keys to your house! In fact, I think you and your husband need to team up and start setting some clear boundaries. Unless you do that, the controlling will only get worse.
She's your husband's mother. If she's making you uncomfortable and being hurtful and controlling, he really needs to stick up for the best interests of his family (i.e. YOU and your kids) and get her to stop. She's his mother and it's his job to do this.
Good luck.
Does your husband think his Mom should have a set of keys to your house?
Your MIL sounds a lot like mine and we would NEVER give her keys to our house. It is a joint decision and my husband has zero problem with telling his Mom no. If she claims someone should have a set in case of an emergency, tell her someone already does. She will be offended, but you can't live your life trying to appease her.
Don't give her a set! I could never do this with my MIL. Its interesting b/c even if you gave her a set while you went out of town or something temporary do you thinkk she will go have her own set made? If you think she will then she can't be trusted. We have a key hidden at our house that no one would ever be able to find. For real. We had something urgent come up when we were out of town and had my brother go take care of it. It was fine. My BIL has been given a key while we are out of town because he will come over and take care of the dogs, mail, and switch up the lights that are on, but its only temporary. I trust him not to come in whenever. Their mom is a different story.
Leeloo,
Don't do it! Don't do it! This woman has serious boundary and control problems. Do not give in to this kind of thing! She is intent on ruining your marriage or she has something going on "not right" upstairs. (I asked my husband and he said you could always give her some "wrong" keys. But that would probably backfire, so I wouldn't do that either!)
I feel for you, in your predicament, but would definitely not give in to this horrible demand! I had a friend who had a really nice MIL but she just "didn't get it" my friend would get out of the shower, and there here MIL would be--in her bedroom, just hangin' out. (They're now divorced.) Also, you need to ask your husband (very sweetly), to BE A MAN and stand up to his ol' mom!
Marti O.
Hi Leeloo, Where is your husband in this deal?
If he is letting you deal with his mom, and tired of her control issues that's not fair...
in so many words----NO!!! Don't give her the keys.
Has she given you a set of keys to her house? It's not necessary for you to feel bad or anything. What's the drama? you need to understand that when things calm down and she is behaving with some respect you can reconsider. remove the issue, by saying, we aren't prepared to share keys at this time. Walk away. don't stand there and let her yap on it.
See you!! Mom bye bye...
Hi Leeloo.
You've heard it from everyone, we've voted - NO, NO, NO!
I've had some issues with my MIL, I went as far as changing the locks on my doors! MIL's tend to see their sons/ daughters somewhat as kids still since they still are their Mother BUT, us in-law's are not. I can be cared for by "my" mother but, don't need to be cared for by my MIL, I'm not her child, I'm an adult who married her adult son. With that said, I'd like to be treated as an adult and I see NO reason for her to have a spare key. Some people think it's ok incase of an emergency, I'd sooner hide a key under a rock, dig a hole in the dirt, climb threw a window or wait for a Locksmith or my hubby to come home before I'd give her a key! She needs to understand you are both adults and need your privacy, I'm sure she doesn't go around handing her key over to any of her adult friends or relatives (other than her kids), right?
My SIL was having similar issues with her as well (though she had given her a key), I'm not to sure what she ended up doing but, she would joke and say she was going to start leaving dirty magazines & movies, used "protection", blow up dolls, and toys laying around to freak her out! I have to say, I thought it was a good and funny idea - I just didn't have the patients to go that rout. Hey, maybe you can pitch that idea to your hubby and let him decide if he would want his mother walking into that (I'm sure she wouldn't want to keep going in there)- sure he wouldn't like it, so "he'll" have to be the one telling her she can't have a spare key or be the one to deal with the dirty/ embarrassing stuff she'll run into, yeah, I like that... this shouldn't really be your battle - he should be able to tell her No or deal with her thinking you guys are freaks! What can she say… "I didn't like what I ran into while you were away from home" umm…. "You shouldn't be in there in the first place". Easy, right? I'm generally very respectful but, I also expect the same from people no matter of who or how old the person is – treat me the way you want to be treated.
Hope this helps, PLEASE let us know what you end up doing. You have quite a few responses so you know this is a very interesting subject.
-Melissa
Leeloo,
It sounds like you are NOT comfortable and do not want to give her a key. You yourself sound like you have already made the decision that it is NOT a good idea. I would have a talk with your husband and ask him his opinion. Hopefully you are on the same page. I would have HIM tell his mom NO in a polite way and in a wording that you BOTH agree on. It is completely unnecessary for her to have the key. If you travel you can always do a hide a key and let someone you "trust" know where it will be (not necessarily her). If she keeps pestering YOU directly, just politely stand your ground. You are an adult woman and you deserve to be respected as one. Just politely tell her that you and your husband already have it taken care of in case of an emergency and it isn't necessary for you to make an additional spare. Maybe ask her if she keeps bugging you if you could have HER key in case she has an emergency and see how she reacts to that. I would work this out with your hubby first and AGREE on the specific wording you will both use when addressing this. GOOD LUCK!
Tawnia
I just wanted to give you kudos for making the best out of a bad situation and not taking things personal. Your husband is a lucky man. Tell her that would be great that you guys can swap keys to each others homes so you can help her out in her home just as she has helped you in yours (just kidding) hope you get good advice from people who have been there.
Assuming the reason she has the keys is a "just in case you get locked out" thing, do you think you could say something like "You are always so thoughtful, but I've got it handled THIS TIME, my neighbor has a key. I'd hate to have to bother you if I get locked out." Or better yet, She is your Husbands Mother, have HIM deal with it.
Good luck with this one!
You have gotten alot of responses but I just had to chime in NO as well. You and your husband have to agree of course and since it is his Mother - he can talk to her about it and not you. If he is sensitive and acknowleding of her it will create less drama.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! good luck lady!!
I would discuss this with my husband and let him know that you are not comfortable in giving her the keys. Then let him tell her that you have given a spare set to the neighbors in the event of emergency. If she has no boundaries and bulldozes over people, she does not need to have even more access to your lives. Don't give her the house keys to your house just to keep peace with her, or she will be at your house ALL THE TIME and you won't have a life. Next time she asks, thank her for her concern and tell her the neighbors have a key in the event of an emergency...then change the subject.
OH COME ON, GIVE HER THE KEYS!
Just kidding! NEVER give them to her!! Your poor thing, I hope you can figure something out to say to her. That's why I love living about 2-3 hours away from ALL my relatives! Just be firm and she'll (hopefully) eventually get used to the new you!
If you can't get out of it, you could do what we did with my stepkids. They had a set of keys to our house, but not the deadbolt key. I hated that their mom potentially had access to my house through them, but at least when we were home, we knew no one could walk in unannounced, and when we went out of town, we let them know ahead of time that the deadbolt would be locked, if they needed something, they had to plan ahead.
We also had a hidden key, so if the girls got locked out we had the back up in place.
Question--do you have a key to HER house? I do know how to get into my parents homes (via code or key) yet I live 3000 miles away now. I currently live alone and no one else has a key to my house.
Sounds like your MIL is still mothering all the adult children in her life. Perhaps the only role she knows how to play. It's a tough position to be in when you are the grown up, it's your home/family and you're done being bossed around. Living far far away helps with that.
Good luck.
Looks like you've gotten some great advice, but I wanted to add my NO in as well. Your MIL sounds a lot like mine, so I can empathize with your struggles.
If you even consider not listening to the "NO"s here, let me tell you that my sister-in-law lives near my MIL and she gave her the keys to her place. When they were out of town, my MIL took her friends over to show them the place without asking.. and shows up unannounced and will never see the wrong in any of her behavior.
Giving her the keys will only keep the peace for a little while and you will find yourself with an entire new batch of problems from this one gesture.
I know I it is hard to say no to someone like this, and you will not be her favorite person, no matter what reason you come up with. But, with people like this, it is so important to set boundaries. The little you give, will only breed more and more expectations from her of what she wants.. and set the pattern that she get whatever she wants.
And, you will be helping everyone else in the family see how they too can stand up for themselves.
All the best.. I know it is a struggle.
What you do depends on how much your spouse has your back here. What does he think? Does he want her to have a key? And why is your MIL asking you rather than asking him? And also, do you have a key to her place?
Just because she makes suggestions about what to change in your house doesn't mean you have to take it as if it's an order. Take it as input, say "that might be interesting," then let it go and make up your mind about what you want. (Especially if she does mean it as a more-than-gentle request.) Not taking it that way is a way to keep it from being a conflict. Pretend the "push" didn't happen and let it go.
What to do about the repeated requests:
You can tell her the truth: that her asking for a key makes you uncomfortable because you're concerned that she'll make changes to your place. And it should go both ways. If you can use the key to her place to make changes to her decorations etc., and she's okay with that, then she can have a key.
You can ask your spouse to ask her to stop. Don't get yourself into the middle of their relationship.
You can give it to her and let it go.
Whatever you do, don't put it off until "later." This probably isn't going to go away.
So much good luck to you.
No way...........Tell her VERY firmly that you are not giving her a set of keys. Be as bossy and determined as she is.....What does your hubby say?
NO WAY!! NO, NO, NO, NO!!
by the way - have you asked her WHY she wants the keys to your house???
If its because she wants to visit - someone will be home so she doesn't need keys.
If its to babysit - again, someone will be home and you have the keys to get in case she is sleeping :)
No NO NO - no reason for her to have them.
I have an issue with my MIL coming unannouced - so can you imagine I come home and she is already there!! NO WAY!!
Since she asked you and not your husband - you ask her why she wants them and then tell her no offense but there is really no need to give her keys!