The past few times my family have moved into a new place, my mother in law keeps pestering me for a set of keys until I can no longer politely defer it and give in. I really prefer not to give her that access since she is bossy and controlling and I like my privacy. Today she came over to be nice in dropping something off for my son but kinda ruined it by telling me all the things I should do differently around the house. It's definitely her way and it won't change and I don't expect it to as much as I've tried to create boundaries, she is the most determined person. This is also the way she treats her own kids so it's not directed only at me. Should I just give her the keys and keep the peace or risk offending her and making more family drama for myself? I am hoping she won't ask again but I want to be prepared...just in case.
NO NO NO. YOU HAVE TO STAND YOUR GROUND!!!! This is your house and you don't owe her anything. When my husband and I move, we are not giving a set of keys to anyone in his family because they aren't allowed to just stop by when they please. Who cares if you not giving her keys will cause an issue in your family. If you not giving keys to your house causes problems then the problem is bigger than the keys. Sounds like a control issue and she needs to get over herself. You aren't married to her, you are married to her son and what you two create together is just that. Something between you and your husband. She has no right to intrude on your marriage and make you feel guilty for not wanting to have a third person in your marriage.
You absolutely have to stand your ground because this goes much further than her just butting in, if you give her keys she will have free reign over your house and that's not acceptable. Put your foot down and tell her no. Don't discuss it, don't argue with her, just say NO you cannot have keys to my house and that's the end of it and if she wants to continue to discuss it tell her this discussion is over. You can say those things without being mean or rude. The bottom line is that if you entertain her she will think that your no does not mean no. Don't even give her room to discuss it. Say no and keep it moving. If you are talking to her over the phone then say I am sorry but you cannot have keys to my house and then tell her you have something you have to do so you have to get off the phone now. It's that simple.
NO!! my SIL made that mistake and found out that her in-laws had been over while she's not home!! Even found her FIL sleeping on her couch. YOU need your privacy. I would never consider it.
You can hide a key out side in case of an emergency and only tell her IF she needs to get in. Then change the location.
Not to mention if anything is ever missing you would automatically think she might have taken it. NO, NO, NO!!
Your home is your CASTLE not hers.
DO NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT EVER, GIVE YOUR MIL YOUR HOUSE-KEYS!!!
NEVER NEVER NEVER.
Your MIL is a "bully." She has the nerve, expecting the house-keys to another person's home.
She should not be having an attitude of "entitlement."
She is simply NOT entitled.
And by the way, what on earth, does your HUSBAND say about it???? HE should be putting his foot down too, and being a "Man" for his own family. He is married and has his own family now.... that is his priority. Not pleasing "Mommy" dearest. This, should not be ONLY "your" problem to deal with.
If no one ever puts their foot down to MIL, she will continue to rule the roost, and everyone else's home and family.
It is NONE of her business. Period.
SHE is the dysfunctional one... do NOT let her create problems for you/your family.
If you give her the keys, there will be LOTS of problems and you will have NO privacy, she will go through your mail when you are not home, she will rearrange your home when you are not home, she will think your home is "her" home, she will nosey around your home, she will poke around and peek at things that are not her business, you will have NO privacy, you will have NO anything... period. It will be all HER business.
Just tell her calmly, "No, you cannot have my house-keys."
You do not even have to explain why.
All the best,
Susan
All the other ladies are correct. It's just too easy for her to come over and if you don't answer, let herself in. I like and get along with my mother-in-law, but I have a real problem with people stopping by without calling.
Fortunately, my MIL lost her keys to our place a few months back. She mentioned it a couple times, but we never replaced them, and I feel much better about it - like I have my privacy back again. Just make sure you have a spare set of keys somewhere in case you get locked out!
Don't do it.
If you are not comfortable with telling her no yourself then...get your husband to tell her NO, so that you do not create friction with her. He can get away with being rude(even though she's the one being rude, but she won't see it that way), but you can't. Make sure he is adamant about it. Make it known to him that you can make his life more "miserable" than his mom can.
I'd just give her the keys. You aren't going to change anything by not giving them to her. She's still going to boss you around and show up whenever she wants. Like you said, it's just who she is. Plus it's a good thing for someone to have a spare key, just in case.
Hello, I was blessed with the most wonderful Mother-In-Law and I would have given her keys. My children all have given me keys to their places. They all know that I respect their privacy and would never just go over to their place without them needing me to. I have taken one of my grandsons to his parents' apartment to get some of his things, but I don't go in. That particular daughter-in-law and I don't even speak more than we have to (among other things, she spreads rumors about me). However, if your Mother-In-Law cannot respect your privacy, then I wouldn't give her the keys. It is about trust and if you can't trust her to respect you, then she hasn't earned the keys. When she asks for keys, change the subject. She will get the idea. Also, when she tells you how to do things, tell her, "Thank-you for your advice, I will think about it and decide if it will work for me." I would never try to tell my kids or their spouses what to do or how to do it.
Good luck with your precious family.
Kathie K.
I wouldn't give her keys. It's just telling her that her behavior is 'ok' and you're accepting it. Why encourage a bad behavior. If she's so insistent, give her 'some' keys so that way you know when she tells you the keys didn't work, that she tried to use them. Just say you changed the lock and aren't making anymore. It's YOUR house. Good luck!
Hi Leeloo, So I am not really sure what the problems is. Should you give her the keys, yes, someone should have a spare set. My mom has keys to my place, she uses them "when appropriate" ONLY. We have set boundaries around that.
You can't TRY to set boundaries you just do it. That's like sayiing "I TRIED to type this response"...either you do it or you don't. Let her know having a key is not a right it is a priveledge and it can be revoked at anytime if you feel it is being abused.
Just because the other kids let her treat them like that does not mean you have to. I will tell you, my mom has keys to all the kids homes, but with me she calls before she comes (even if from the driveway and her cell phone) she DOES not come to the house when we are not here without permission, (my sisters have found her napping on their sofa when they come home from work LOL). The other kids let her do whatever she wants. I don't. I am clear that if she abuses her priveledge with my family, she won't have as free access.
Ignoring it and hoping she "doesn't ask again" is the wrong thing to do. She will be creating her own story as to why you are ignoring her, why you don't want her to have a key, why, why, why, then you get to deal with that months later...not too much fun. Deal with it now.
Leeloo, this is your life, your home,your family, why does she get to make your decisons? Stand up for what you want, what your fmaily wants and let your MIL fit into YOUR plans.
Barbilee
Family Wellness Coach
Give her a placebo... a copy of your old keys. Oops.
SH is totally correct. DO NOT GIVE her to keys YOUR HOME. She will look though your private things and try and boss you around even more. This will give her more control over you and your home and family. Either have your husband tell her or you tell her no one gets/has keys to your home, except you and your husband, kids. Do not answer any other questions she asks about this every time she asks for keys always give her the same short answer. NO one has keys except my husband and I. She will get tired of asking or she will keep getting the same answer. I learned this from a family therapist we went to. I think this is her way of being even more in control. Please don't give her your keys. If you have any questions you can ask me. I have gone though so much with my MIL.
Sue
Hello Leeloo,
Have you discussed this with your husband? I wonder whether he would advise giving her a set a keys... bet not!
Be direct and honest with her. Just say no -- tell her you love her, but your nest is your sanctuary, and NO ONE gets keys to the nest except you and your husband.
If you make it about yourself, rather thn about her, she should be able to hear it. If she is treated like everyone else, she should be able to accept it.
NO! how many ways can i say NO NO NO NO NO!!!!! you already know the answer to what would happen if you did give here access to your home. when you are there and when you are not home. controlling advice is the only start of where this could lead. if i sound harsh, i apologize but ive had a MIL like this before and giving her keys only encourages her control.
best wishes, maria
Don't give her a set, stand up for your yourself now before it's too late. You will have no privacy if you give her a set.
Wow...I feel for you. My friend had this happen also. But the MIL scared her one to many times. She would get out of the shower, and the MIL would be there. The son finally said something...thank goodness. And her key was taken away. Good Luck!
I wouldn't give her the keys! What does your husband think? If he agrees with you, then I say let her get upset, it's not like you owe her the keys. That is one boundary I wouldn't feel comfortable crossing with my MIL either, who is a lot like yours. Good luck with this, I know how you feel.
I guess I'm a little bit more underhanded. I would make one set of "emergency" keys and hide them at your house in the most inconvenient place possible. That way if she really needs to get in, they are there, but it will make her think twice about letting herself in if she has to climb through the garage or dig through the flower bed to get to them and she certainly wouldn't just let herself in if you are there.
But that's just me. :)
Good Luck
You heard it from everyone, Leeloo. The answer is NO. Talk to your husband, be sure he's on your side about the key issue. Chances are, if he's not showing a united front, then MIL knows its just a matter of time before she gets them. Or if DH is saying "talk to my wife" to each request, then MIL knows it's not her DS that's against her, but you, and this is NOT ok from your DH. Good luck, but I say no.
No, she shouldn't have keys. You already know that. The no will need to come from her son. You don't need to do that. I'd talk to him, see how he feels, and then put the key copying on him too, if she asks for keys again tell her he is supposed to do the copying. And, then, maybe it will never get done. That woman sounds pesky.