I have a dilemma and I honestly can't decide what to do. I need your opinions and/or advice. My ex-fiance and I are expecting a baby in October. We have attempted reconciling, but it proves to be futile. He is planning on being active involved. Being that we are not married, we have different last names. (And we each have a child from a past relationship who bears our respective last names...i.e. my son has my last name.)
I have discussed with my ex the possibility and my desire to use both our last names, in either order, when naming the baby. He is STRONGLY opposed as he thinks that it should be his, and only his, name given to the baby. He has said that giving the child both names or just mine (which I have not suggested) will "ruin his/her life" and he/she will "struggle in his/her identity."
I cannot tell you how much I disagree with this. So, for many reasons (including that we are not married, that my son and I have my last name, and that my family name is incredibly important to me) I want it included either as the last name or second middle name.
Mamas, what do you think? Have any of you gone through this? What is your honest to God opinion? Am I way out in left field?
Keep in mind, I have in no way suggested combining our names to make a new last name or even hyphenating it. I just want my family name represented.
Thank you!
Melissa
P.S. Our last names are Swan (mine) and Reed (his). Thus, nothing too crazy. One of his arguments is that my name, Swan, is not a proper first or middle name and would thus be absurd as a middle name.
I think your ex-fiance's reasoning is way out in left field. A last name won't ruin a child's life or make him/her struggle in his/her identity. I would think the best thing would be for the child to take the last name of the parent with primary custody. I would fight for my child to have MY last name.
I agree that your ex-fiance is being ridiculous in his thinking. I would make the baby's middle name Reed (your ex's last name) and the last name Swan. JMO
If I found myself in your shoes I would probably give the child my last name. It is my opinion that you and both your children having the same last name will make all your lives much less complicated.
Keep your name. I have not been in your situation myself BUT if I was, the baby would keep my last name. You are going to be the primary care giver of the child. Is he planning on playing a very active part in the babys life? If not then that will only confuse the child more to carry a name of a parent he rarely sees. Also, I've had 3 sisters in your same situation. Only one chose the last name of the father (they were sort of together at the time of birth) and now she regrets more than anything doing that. The father NEVER sees his son so it only reminds him more of his absent father by having his last name and having to write it every day in school. The two sisters that chose to keep their last names are both VERY glad they did. Good luck with your decision!
I watched a little boy a long time ago who had his mothers last name, I assumed it was because the father was not in the picture since I had never met him. Well he was in the picture, paid child support and had his son every weekend and his son didn't even have his name. I think that if your ex is going to be involved with the new baby you guys need to come to a compromise on the last name, whether it's hyphened or either of yours. But if he's not going to be involved or pay any support, the baby should have your name. It's a tough decision, lots of luck.
I am married and have been for almost 16 years. I didn't take my husband's name when we married for several reasons which I won't go into here. We used 4 names for my son's name so we could include my last name as one of the two middle names. It's worked out great. He has no "identity" issues with regards to his name at all. In fact, we didn't do that for my daughter, which I now regret, and she did have problems understanding why her name was different than mine when she was younger. She even wanted to change her name to mine at one point. We didn't do that, but again, I wish I would have included my name in her name as well.
It's true this is not the traditional way to do it, but more and more people are doing this now. My sister-in-law and her husband used 4 names for both their children (girl and boy), and my SIL hyphenated her name so it's not even like the kids wouldn't know she had the same last name. They just wanted to include both names.
I don't think it really matters which of your last names comes first as long as they are both included. Given your two last names, I do think "Reed Swan" would be better since "Reed" would make a good middle name, but you're going to have to live with how your ex handles that choice so it just depends on how much heat you want to take for making that call. The point is, however, that it is really your call. You're not married so it is your decision what you name your child. You need to decide based on what's best for you and your baby.
I personally think it's a great idea to include both names when the parents don't share the same last name. Our family is proof of that.
Maybe I'm being too simplistic...and maybe this has been brought up before...but...um...if there is no hope in reconciliation...why do you care WHAT your ex says?
I don't want to cause a rift between you but...you are giving birth, you are the one who's PROBABLY going to have to take care of him/her...YOU should be the one to make the decision on naming rights and for all defense and purposes can name your baby what ever you want to name it.
If I was in your shoes...I would name it after everyone in the family...which is your son and you. That way EVERYONE IN YOUR HOUSE has the same last name. Far better and easier to explain than, "you have a different lat name because you have different dad's ect" conversation.
I also think that REED makes an excellent MIDDLE name for a boy.
To be honest, I think it would be more confusing for your son to have a different last name than you (since you will probably be the primary care-giver). I would give him your Ex's last name as a middle name or hyphenate it Reed-Swan. My cousin just had a baby after her husband of 10 years divorced her while she was pregnant and left her with no support. She is naming him with her maiden name alone. Best wishes to you and your future baby.
what would you do if you two were married? Personally, having 2 lastnames is not the end of the world... over 1 billion people in the world have 2 lastnames. If the dad is in the picture, I think that his lastname should be used. and if you also want to add your, well, go for it.
By the way, both of our children have a two lastnames.
For a lot of things they drop my lastname. for legal documents then we use both.
Another question, will the father's name be on the birth certificate? think of any future claims... child support, social security, etc... if the father's name is already on the birth certificate, it makes things easier. however, if he's not going to be in the picture... if he has only your lastname, it would be easier for traveling outside the US.
I'm going to try not to go off on your ex here, but it's going to take some effort! I honestly, really, don't at all see his reasoning. After a lot of very long and very fraught decisions with my now husband, I hyphenated my last name--I wanted to keep my name, he wanted me to take his, and we compromised. Neither of us thinks it's ideal, but we love each other and compromise is part of marriage. That being said, our DD has my (maiden) last name as her second middle name, and his last name as her last name. I DO NOT GET why it's a problem to have a last name as a middle name, but I'm a bit biased here--at birth, I was given my mother's maiden name as my middle name, so have always had "Wickins" as a middle name. I've been proud that my name represents BOTH sides of my family. Of course, that means I now have THREE last names, which is a bit long, but I still find ALL aspects of my family important, and want them all represented. My sister has my grandmother's maiden name (McCoy)as her middle name--so it seems totally normal to me to have a last name as a middle name, for either a boy or a girl.
On top of all of this, of course, if the baby is going to live with you, and you're not married to the Dad, I would think that the easiest and least "identity crisis causing" option would be to give the baby YOUR last name, since then he/she would have the same name as everyone s/he lives with. Maybe your ex being completely unreasonable is part of why you're better off without him?
Ok, I do not want to add fire to the pot, but in the end it is up to you. You alone. Is the ex helping you? Will he be the child's life ALWAYS? I think that your ex should be reminded that, when a good father is not in the picture is when kids have stuggles with identity. If I were you I would give the child your name. Not only because you have another child, but because dad is not going to be living with you. Besides, Reed makes a cool middle name, or even a good first. Good luck to you. I know these are hard things to face.
I understand that the daddy wants the baby to have his last name, that is the way the world works, whether right or wrong. My nieces middle name is my mothers maiden name, Chastain, which makes a goody middle name, but represents my mother and that was important to my sister. I think that since he does want to in the baby's life etc that maybe he should have his last name. Your last name is carried on by your son. I dont know if I am right or wrong and I fully see your dilema but in my mind if the father is going to be a father, then the baby should bear his last name. Just like when I got married, I changed my last name. I get that your household would have 2 last names but anymore, that is so acceptd that teachers dont even assume. They no longer ask, is this Mr or Mrs _____. They say, is this the parent of said student. Good luck with this is!
If I could do it again, my son would have my name or both names but not his dad's name only. As much as I wanted my son to have my last name, I thought if I ever got married again or it turned out to work btw us it would make more sense for him to have his dad's last name. Boy was I wrong! My son is now stuck with a name to a dad that is hardly in the picture. Plus once school starts, you will be constantly correcting teachers and parents about your last name being different from his. Last week my son was correcting his friends when they called me by his last name. People will want to know if you got divorced or what happened to the dad. Honestly though, unless you know you two will get back together, I would do what is best for you and your child. Go with your heart. Our instincts are wonderful and too many times we don't listen to them. I would give anything to go back and listen to mine. If your child will be with you full time, it makes more sense for them to have your name. Life will be a lot less complicated this way. Plus your son already has your name and it will make it easier as they grow older together.
I know my sister did not have a choice when her son was born. She also was not and did not marry his father, but the court required him have the father's last name. I would find a way to have your name in it as a middle name if it is a boy. I am not sure if it matters as much if it is a girl....not sure if the courts have a different opinion based on sex of baby. You could also find a name that matches the meaning of it for the middle name or first name...my sister found that Matthew and Michael had the same meaning so she used them for her two boys.
It is really up to you in the end, there is no right or wrong answer, this is the 21st century. I will tell you this, if your children end up with different last names you will be called Ms. Swan and Ms. Reed; if that is okay with you anyway... This is my opinion, it really makes me mad when guys are so demanding on having their child carry their name but don't step up to the plate and be the Dad. This will mess with a child's identity; not having both of your last names. I'm not sure about Texas, but in Illinois, when you give birth the baby tag will have the mother's last name so the baby will be "Baby Swan", even if you do use his last name...
I don't know, maybe I'm reading something that isn't there, it sounds like you want approval to name your son after your family and there is nothing wrong with that. My middle son has my maiden name because my husband and I weren't married. And my son is proud to have my dad's last name, heck he pretty much has all of my dad's name. My husband was upset at first, but he knows our son wants this...Our son has a very close relationship with my dad but he also has a good one with his dad.
Wow, after reading some responses, I guess this really is the "Good Ole Boys" state, wow, I know in Illinois they do not by law make a mother give her son or daughter the father's name, it's up to the mother if she's not married. And you can even get child support without having the father's last name...
When my son was born I gave him my last name because his father and I were not together nor did we plan to be. Since I was going to be the one carrying insurance, taking him to all of his dr's appt's etc. it was better in my opinion for him to match me. Before my son started kindergarten I agreed to hyphenate his last name to his father's as well. I figured but don't know this for sure that the court would have at least made me do that if he took me to court. My son has no identity probems and this was not something he was born with. His father and I are both married with kids so it kind of works out because he not only matches us but also matches his sisters. HTH's a little. Good Luck, I know it is hard. :)
It's up to you! You will be the one signing the certificate! His reasoning does not make total sense, but I can see that he just won't budge on the subject! If your other son has your name, I think it would make the most sense to continue w/that! You are the one that he will most likely live w/90% of the time. You will most likely be dealing w/his teachers, dr's, coaches etc. Make it less confusing for you! He's obviously not willing to make your life easier, so make things easier on yourself!....Maybe baby SWAN can take Daddy's last name as his middle name...good luck!!
I agree with the moms who have said your last name because of insurance, schooling, etc. since you will be the primary caregiver and he will live with you. Re. identity, it'll be confusing if the child has a different last name than the people he/she's growing up with. Honestly, it's all about him and he's wrong. I like the middle name of Reed - I think it works really well for a boy, and just fine for a girl. Baby Reed Swan - and Swann is a football player's last name - Lynn Swann (so, there, nyah!) LOL
There's no way to know, from a man who isn't going to take the step to get married, if he will be in your child's life forever, so it'd be a gamble to have his last name. You can hyphenate the last name as is very common in Spanish and Latin cultures (which I like--give honor to both sets of family; it wouldn't hurt his identity but HELP solidify exactly who/where he comes from). You could give a nod to a dad you hope is in his child's life by having Reed be the middle name. Kids do start noticing differences, especially when they hit kindergarten and say "why is my bro's name, or my mom's name, different than mine?". THAT is what would make him feel odd, not the other way around. A hyphenated name, however, answers the questions and shows "belonging" to both families. I don't know this man, so I'm not in any way implying anything towards him specifically, but if he turned out to be a deadbeat dad, it bites to be stuck with that name. (My friend has this issue; her exhusband hasn't seen her 7 year old child since he was 2).