I need advice about what to do about my rude stepmother-in-law. She is controlling, rude and selfish, but will be nice to your face. Here is the latest. She and my husband's dad just got 2 black lab puppies. They named one of them the same name we had picked out if we have a boy. It was the only name my husband and I could agree on too. We are not trying at this point for another baby, but this is the name we would name our next child if we had a boy. I can't believe she did this! I've liked names for boys before, but after naming an animal that name I couldn't imagine naming my child the same name.
She has always been selfish, and will say,"I know..., but I decided to do it anyway". How do I approach her about this. It's not too late for them to change the name since they just got them a couple of days ago, but I need to act fast. Please help!!!
I think you need to really reflect on what bothers you first. Is it the simple fact that she took the name before you could use it? Or do you really think that hearing it over and over again to reference a dog will ruin the name for you? If it's the former, let it go. I had a friend who did the same thing with her cat, but by the time I had my daughter, her cat was no where near the front of my brain and the name was OK for me. It's not like another child, who you'd be writing birthday cards to, so they're not equal in my mind. OK, your mother-in-law sucks for her rudeness and selfishness, but one animal doesn't have to rival your future child. But if you really think that hearing the name in that context will ruin it for you, if you really genuinely don't think you can ever get over it, then speaking your mind is in order here. Something along the lines of "hearing you use that name for a dog will ruin it for me, please consider changing it for my sake. if you can't, I will only be using the generic DOG to ask about your pet."
Good luck, sorry she's such a pill!
If she knew that was the name you wanted for your child that was pretty bitchy of her. However, go ahead and use the name for your kid anyway. I don't think it matters if a dog has the same name. Lots of other people/creatures probably have that name also.
You could just tell her that is the name you are going to use for your son, and if she keeps it, well, she does. I think she'll be the one feeling awkward after a while when her beloved grandson has the same name as her dog.
If you happen to have a boy somewhere down the road, you should name him whatever you want. My in-laws named one of their dogs a name that I have always adored and wanted if we were to have another girl. They didn't know it and I figured that it doesn't matter to me... I love the name and the child will be around much longer than the dog. And I guess I'd just explain it, if it ever came up, that it's something that happens from time to time... people give their dogs people names sometimes. Dogs are like family and they chose a special name for their loved one and I chose a special name for mine, it just happens to be the same.
But I agree with Page... I'd probably remind her that if you ever have a boy it's the name you plan to chose for him. Hopefully she'll envision what that will be like when you all come to visit.
Don't stress. Ultimately she's going to do what she wants and in the interest of keeping things amicable with the grandparents try not to make a huge deal about it. I get that it chaps your hide, but save your energy for your lovely family and do whatever you want down the road... and my vote is give him the name you chose!
Sallah: Please, what does it always mean, this... this "Junior"?
Professor Henry Jones: That's his name.
[points to himself]
Professor Henry Jones: Henry Jones...
[points to Indy]
Professor Henry Jones: ...Junior.
Indiana Jones: I like "Indiana."
Professor Henry Jones: We named the dog Indiana.
Marcus Brody: May we go home now, please?
Sallah: The dog?
[starts laughing]
Sallah: You are named after the dog? HA HA HA...!
Indiana Jones: I've got a lot of fond memories of that dog.
I love Indiana Jones. It's the first thing I thought of when I read this post. Name your baby whatever you want and don't worry about it. That dog will be long dead and gone long before your unborn son would even be old enough to take offence. (And I'm sure he'd never take offence. Most kids love it when things have the same name as they do. Makes them feel important!)
When dealing with spiky self-centered women I've found that the best tactic is to do what you would have done prior to their actions, or in other words, ignore them. If it bothers you THAT much, you can always alter the spelling. =)
You don't mention your husband's reaction to this...is he fine with it? Is this a stepmom he grew up with, or one he acquired in his adult years? (it might impact his comfort level in standing up to her). Does your stepfather condone this choice knowing that you want this name for your future child? I'm not clear as to why YOU are the one who must confront your stepmother-in-law. Bottom line, they need to know that regardless of their choices, that name WILL be the one you use...whether they wish to duplicate it by giving it to their dog as well is something THEY will simply have to explain to their grandson when he is old enough to ask!
Don't let that stop you. Detach. Name your boy the name you picked out anyway. The dog will die long before your son grows up and in the long run, no one will ever remember. Do what you want regardless of what she does.
Dear Adrea,
I am a mom and a minister. For what it is worth:
You can not change your step-mother-in-law. While she is old in age, it sounds like she is young inside. I imagine she acts young with everyone and it is not personal to you. ...This does not make her behavior less annoying or hurtful. Sometimes, for me, understanding gives me some distance.
Regarding the name: You could try to explain the situation. "___ (husband) and I are trying to have a 2nd child. It took us forever, but we finally agreed on a name, which as you know is __. When I heard that you named your new puppy that I felt worried. __(husband) and I would really appreciate it, if you would re-name your puppy. We know this is asking a lot, but please consider doing this for us. Thank you!" Once you tell her, she will either do it or not, but at least you tried.
We really do not know what the future has in store for us. You could end up with another daughter or a few months from now, you and your husband might discover a fabulous new name that you love even more. Or you might have to live with your "second" choice as a first name (and your favorite name as a middle name!) for a new son. Or you could have a son and decide to name him the same name. ...I imagine a little boy would think it was pretty cool to have the same name as grandma's dog. Years from now, it could even make a funny story.
The main thing right now is learning to deal with and live with a family member who is a challenge to you. I encourage you to love yourself and treasure yourself along the way!
Best wishes!
I am so sorry for you! I would name my child what I wanted and give him a nick name. For sure the dog will not be around as long as your son and if you "give in" it just sets even more president for her to be cruel. I assume you live close (or in the same town?), limiting your visits to your house (no dog) would also be beneficial. Also, it has been my experience (and trust me I have been around a long time), two wrongs do not make a right but stick to your guns and keep you friends close and your enemies closer! Good luck - Nana
My mother in law is kind of the same. The only thing you can do is either ignore her behavior and set limits or let her win by letting her get to you. When my MIL would play her games I would not go over to her house. Since I was not going my kids were not going and my husband also was not. My husband supported this and let his mother know that as long as she was going to be rude and manipulative he was going to support his wife in not being exposed to the hurtful behavior. That seems to work and after 5 years of marriage the relation ship with my MIL is not perfect but it is tolerable. Good Luck.
"I know it sounds a little silly, but I really dont like the fact that you named your dog the name we chose for our little boy, should we ever have one. Out of respect of my feelings would you mind changing the dogs name please?"
A lot of people who appear to be selfish are just plain oblivious because no one around them takes it upon themselves to point it out.
I hate to say it but my own mother is a bit on the selfish side. I have learned over time to point it out to her as respectfully as possible. Its almost comical the things she gets offended over and holds a grudge about.
My mothers selfishness for example:
She called and asked me to go on a walk. She wont walk in my neiborhood because she "doesnt feel safe". So its a 20 min drive each way to go walking with her. I told her I had a lot to do to get ready for company, so if I came to exercise with her she, in turn, would need to come play with my kids so I could completely concentrate on my house after our walk. I drove 20 min, walked for 40 min, and when we were done she said goodbye and left. The next day she called to ask the same scenario of me. I told her I could not because she didnt follow through on her word from yesterday, and I could not spare the time and apologized. She replied, "but I wanted to go to the movies with your dad". She was mad at me for telling her "no" and didnt speak to me for the rest of the week. Now whos fault was that again....????
Its really silly, but we have to draw clear boundries in all aspects of our lives.
You are playing into her games by letting it get to you and she knows it so let it go and name your baby that name when or if you have a boy. Just because a dog has that name doesn't make it a bad name for a child in fact your boy would get a kick out of it.
I've read the other responses rather quickly, but don't think anyone else mentioned this. My first reaction when I read "step mother in law" was "what does that mean?" I actually had to think it through to realize the relationship. This brings me to the point that I wonder if part of the problem is that she feels insecure in her relationship to the family and this may be causing some of her negative responses.
It's also possible that she simply didn't think about the fact that you and your husband have planned to name a boy that name. I would gently mention to her something like "oh, did you forget that's what we were planning to name a boy if we have one? Maybe you'll want to re-consider the name of the dog. If not, I'm sure our little boy will be honored to share the name." What's the old saying... 'you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar'... Be sweet in your response rather than sarcastic and it might work.
Since this is your husband's mother he needs to talk to her. If she insists on keeping the name then if you ever agree upon another name and do have another baby, don't even tell her until after the baby is born and it is on the birth certificate. This may not stop her from naming another animal after it, but then you'll know for sure that she is doing it to spite you.
All I can say is life is way to short to be worrying about what your MIL named the dog and what you wanted to name the boy if you have one. If the dog and boy are named the same... the boy might like that.
Adrea ~ I think that this is something that you need to let you man handle. It is HIS mother. I hope that he feels the same way that you do about this. If he does not, then the battle is lost! I really don't think that this is something that you should be taking on. If it was your mother, then I would say that you should handle it, but since it is his mother, I think that he should handle it. I am positive that my husband would call his mother up and tell her she better change that name, and what the hell was she thinking! I hope that all works out for you guys! Good Luck, sounds like you have a "Monster" in Law! - Okay so after reading some of the responses, I realized this is his Step Mother - yikes - what a predicament - I still think that he should be the one to handle the situation. If he doesn't feel comfortable approaching her, he needs to approach his father......
Hi, You can't change the rudeness of someone, but you can change how you accept the situation. A suggestion might be to love that little puppy with your chosen name, so much so that you befriend him as your own. Also, give him a sweet nickname that he responds to when you address him. Become best friends with that little puppy that you call by a very sweet nickname. Then let every one else deal with whatever comes up for them. You end up with a wonderful friend that will wag his tail for you every time you see each other. "Wag more, bark less....:)"
I can totally relate in regards to having a rude mother-in-law but I have to say that since you are not pregnant and you may not even have a boy you cannot "call a name". I have a lot of friends who were pregnant at the same time a lot of people like the same names so who ever had their baby first got first pick. You cannot control other people.
To alot of people dogs are like childeren.
I agree that is seriously annoying but why go through the trouble now of making a big deal about it when ultimately this may never be a problem. I had a friend who tried to call a boy name when she had just had a daughter and who knows if she will ever have a son. While I and some other friends were pregnant she tried to tell us that "Collin" was her name - seriously get over yourself.
Well, Adrea, here's my take, speaking from experience with a lot of rude people. Unfortunately, you'll never change your stepmother-in-law. She is who she is by now. Most likely she is a miserable person by nature and you know how misery loves company! So, I'm sure she feels it's her duty in life to make as many people as possible just as miserable as she is. My suggestion is to make sure she never knows how much she is getting to you, since that would only make her gleeful! I would suggest not approaching her about the name issue at all. I'm sure she would love to know it bothers you that much. I know you feel you don't want to name your child the same name as an animal, but if that truly is the only name you and your husband can agree on, there really is nothing wrong with that. Think about it...there are animals out there with your daughter's name...guaranteed. If you do have another child and it is a boy, within hours that name will seem like the most natural name in the world for him. Besides, that's a bridge you haven't even crossed, yet, so it's much too soon to stress about it now. Let me encourage you to pick your battles with your stepmother-in-law very carefully and very sparingly. Most things just aren't worth it. And that goes for any other issues with anyone else, as well. It's so much better to take the high road. My dad used to say, "In a hundred years, it won't matter". The truth is, within weeks or even days, it won't matter. Save your energy for things that really need your attention. Take care, good luck and God bless!
Oh Adrea- I am so sorry. What an ordeal. FIrst and foremost, you need the support of your husband on this one. YOu told them in confidence that this was the ONE NAME you and your husband had chosen for your son. It is disrespectful of her to say "I know and did it anyway" to not only you, but her own son and soon to be grandson. No if's, and's, or but's, that dogs name will be changed. And if she won't, then you have decided on a new name and refuse to tell it to her because she cannot be trusted. My current boss is exactly this way. FOrtunately, I can look for new work. But a new mother in law is not in the stars for you. Have you gone on the web? I know it's tough looking for a new name, but there are thousands of sites out there that have cultural names (which are amazing, by the way) and have some really great options for traditional, culture specific, and non traditional names.
But you and your husband must be able to confront your MIL on this one and let her know that these kinds of actions are not only unacceptable, but detrimental to your relationship and her future relationship with her grandson. And there is no need for her to behave this way.
Yuck. I am so sorry for such a frustrating situation. Good luck and all my prayers.
-Erin