overprotective mommy- how do i not offend family members?

Family & Parenting Extended Family
1

I'll be the first to admit that I'm pretty overprotective when it comes to my 8 month old. And it hasn't cramped my lifestyle, I'm fine with it. Now what do I do when it comes to my extended family getting involved and telling me I need to relax, and trying to go and change things? Family visits are always full of unsolicited advice and matriarchal power trips.

We just got back from an 11 day vacation visiting family, and let me tell you some of the conflicts that occurred. Tell me your thoughts and how you might deal with things like this.

Conflict #1
My sister in law is 30, married for 10 years but with no kids of her own. My husband and I were going to run an errand to the mall, and I was fine bringing the baby along. There was a luncheon going on at a family member's house so everyone was pretty busy and loud. The sister in law offerred to stick the baby in one of the bedrooms while we went to the mall and that she would check on her. (Now here's my overprotectiveness- I thought the party was way too distracting for someone to keep their eye on my little one. I don't like just sticking her in a room without a baby monitor, and people not hearing her cry until they go up and check on her). So I said I'd bring her along to the mall and she'd sleep in the stroller. Well, because I didn't leave the baby at the house, the sister in law felt like I didn't trust her, and told my husband that.

After we returned, I let her hold the baby (I'm not that overprotective, I'll let people hold her of course), and I went off and was doing something else in the living room. Well my sister in law lays my 8 month old on the couch and walks away. Then before I know it, my baby rolled off the couch onto the floor and is screaming her head off. Immediately I panic and I'm crying right along with my baby and trying to comfort her, and I'm getting all emotional saying things like "She's 8 months old of course she's going to roll over!". I felt guilty because in my overprotectiveness I'm usually still watching my baby like a hawk even when others are holding her, but I had assumed she was competent enough to handle it so I relaxed a little. Well in all of the chaos my sister in law retracts and doesn't say anything to me. Later she apologizes to my husband and not me, and wants ME to approach her. So I ended up apologizing to her for freaking out so much, when she was the one that let my baby fall on the floor!

Conflict #2
We were staying at my husband's grandmother's house for the trip and were having lunch one day. We had cake and ice cream for dessert and my grandmother put some frosting and ice cream on a fork and offerred it to my 8 month old. Immediately I say "No grandma, I don't want her to have that", but she persists, saying "I gave it to my daughter when she was little and she's fine", and "it'll just melt in her mouth". I had to say no three times until she finally took the fork away from my baby's mouth, and of course after 3 times of saying no it got awkward. I'm consistently feeding my baby solid foods one ingredient at a time, waiting days in between to check for allergies, and I'm not going to have her eat processed sugar, no arguement.

This same grandmother tells me that she can't hold the baby standing up because of her arthritis, but then insists on doing so anyway, making my really nervous. She also tried to make my baby stand up even though she can't even crawl, and of course my baby just fell over.

Conflict #3
We visited my husband's great grandmother who is in her 90s and is about 90 pounds. She wants to hold the baby, and I'm fine with that if she's sitting down, but I stay very close by because she's very old and feeble, and my baby is a very energetic 18 pound girl, who even tries to thrust herself out of my grip. My close watchfulness gets her upset and she insists that she can hold her just fine and that I can leave the room, but I don't want to.

I've had several other family conflicts when it comes to caring for my daughter. I wanted her to sleep on her back when she was a newborn, and a family member watched her and put her on her belly even when I said not to. I say no loose things in the crib, and then someone has her sleeping on top of a burp cloth.

When do I just ignore and when do I make a stink about things?

2

Sheena -

All I can say is that you are not alone. I CONSTANTLY have issues with unsolicited advice from my husbands mother and extended family. After having been married for almost 8 yrs...I think it just comes with the territory. I have 2 boys - and similar things happened to me (i.e. giving the kids ice cream too early - even though they knew my oldest had a milk allergy when he was an infant). In a nut shell - they "think" they know best. They raised kids on their own. However - in many ways the rules have changed and some things aren't accepted child raising practices. Your hubby could stand up a little more - so they know you and he are a "united front" on how to raise your daughter. The unsolicted advice will keep coming...A LOT! For instance - my MIL loves giving free medical advice...and get this - her son/my husband is a doctor. Yeah - so it doesn't end :)

Good luck! And learn to pick your battles. Be stern about the big things...let the little stuff go.

3

Hi Sheena,
All of the above situations have one thing that I can see in common. You have a wonderful instinct. Parent's intuition, that little gut feeling and voice, usually tells you the right thing. You ultimately are your child's advocate and protector. Nothing I read states that you are overprotective at all. Listen and trust your instincts, they are correct. You do not need to apologize to anyone, or explain yourself, for your parenting choices. They had their chance to raise their own child, now it is your turn. Enjoy your precious daughter and remember that time flys by so quickly, and you are doing a great job.
Donna

4

Pick your battles. Babies are much more resilient then you think they are. You are going to cause all kinds of hard feelings with your family over issues that are not that big. I understand that you were upset about the baby falling off the couch but the baby was probably crying because she was surprised, not because she was that hurt. Kids fall down all the time and it's usually no big deal. I understand the no sugar thing and that you are trying small bits of new foods to avoid allergies. I think maybe if it had happened to me, I would have picked the baby up after the first or second no and just held her instead of trying to fight it out with my grandmother. The big thing is if you are with people who you know care about your daughter and want the best for her, accept that they will do things differently than you do, but that doesn't mean they do them wrong. She will be okay and she will learn to be more adaptable if she is taken care of by people other than you.

5

People always seem to question others' parenting in my experience, no matter what, so you have to do what is right for you. You sound like you have excellent instincts and I would trust them. I always thought being "overprotective" referred to the child - ie not letting them experience life, try new things, etc. - but in the cases you describe, it sounds like your family is objecting because they aren't getting their way. Too bad. If they want to make the decisions, let them have a baby (or, if they have grown children, they had their chance to make their decisions and now you need to make yours). Your child will not be hurt if she goes to the store with you, is held by someone sitting down rather than standing, or with you nearby "just in case." If you think it is best, I would go with it. Better safe than sorry. I think your daughter is lucky to have such an attentive parent. Good luck!

6

OK Sheena, where do I start? First of all, it is not a sin to protect your child. That is what Mothers are supposed to do. If you see a potentially dangerous situation, absolutely react. However, not all situations require the same degree of (as you put it freaking out). Also, If you continue to be as untrusting of your family, your daughter will sense that and will grow up not to trust them as well. Children are very sensative you our emotions and can sense stress. I know you don't like to hear this, but I going to say it...Relax a little more and your daughter will sense that and may even sleep better for you.

7

Maybe I am an OP mommy too, but it sounds to me like you were right on target in all of those situations. You are the mommy, and you know best. It's your baby. Don't let irresponsible and careless people make you feel bad about doing what is best for your baby.

A way too OP mom wouldn't even let the 90 year old grandma hold the baby at all.
And it terms of the food - I am assuming that you are the one who has predominantly fed your baby from day 1, so, as I always say, I think you have earned the right to say what new foods she will eat and when. I'm sure it's not that you don't EVER want her to have cake, you just want her to have it when you feel she is ready.

You are doing a great job!

8

First, NEVER feel guilty about being protective of your child. Everything you described is not being OVER protective at all. It is following all the latest scientific recommendations and common sense. At least what you described--all your concerns are completely justified.

Just a question though to think about---does the way you say things to these family members make them question that you are really serious about your wishes or do they just disrespect what you say? By any chance, do you think you overreact in other matters not concerning your daughter so they just belittle your requests with this? If neither is the case, I think you need to put your foot down more and your husband has to support your concerns as well. If they always tell you to relax--maybe there are some things to which you may overreact but all you described sounds like legitimate concerns.
As for your sister in law---you should not have had to apologize to her but maybe she was afraid to talk to you after the baby fell? I would be if a baby fell and it was my fault. You are lucky she was not really hurt. Babies will fall and have minor injuries some times--we can't prevent that all the time but this was preventable. She felt hurt you would not trust her but obviously you can't trust her if she just left her on the couch--not a lot of common sense there. I would have taken her to the mall too---trust your instincts.
Your self description of being emotional probably was heightened by the fact you went against your instincts deep down in the first place.

Also, you have to be adamant about feeding the way you are and the sleeping on the back. I have an 8 month old (first baby) but am in the medical field so I have not met with as much resistance when I say things need to be done a certain way and why because they know I have the science to back me up. I've gotten the occasional "That's the way we did it" etc. Well, years ago they did not do regular mammograms or have the medical advances they have today so if that is how they justify their argument then I guess they do not get regular medical care either. Especially sleeping on the back---it has cut SIDS by more than 50%. No soft items in the cribs because they have proven it has contributed to some infant deaths--especially bumpers. I doubt a burp cloth would cause harm now but at a younger age it is absolutely possible. My guess is they don't respect your wishes so anything that goes against your wishes would upset you more--as it would me. Do they really want you to out your baby's health in jeopardy?
What is also important is that even if they do not agree on why you want things done a certain way---it is still your choice and they should respect that regardless--unless you yourself were putting your baby in harm's way.

As far as the fragile grandmothers--that's a bit delicate. I still would stand close or have your husband do so as well so it is not always you. I'm sure I will get upset as my abilities and independence falter as I age and someone hovering over me would just remind me of those limitations --but this is still your child's safety. If there is anyway to enlist other family member's help-(those that respect your fears) in standing close by so it does not seem it is always you that is hovering. If it can't be done this way then hover all you want. I do think if they are seated in a big fluffy chair and on carpet you can relax a little bit--but definitely would limit the holding while standing.

In summary, all the situations you described sound justified to me--I would have "made a stink" about all of them myself. Maybe there are other things in which you could "lighten up " a bit--I don't know. But again the bottom line is this is your child--you do what feels best to you. Maybe it would be helpful to write a general letter to all those that have questioned why you do things the way you do and explain your concerns, the latest scientific research etc. Tell them how you feel with all of their "advice" and ask them to respect your wishes. Sometimes seeing things on paper hits a different chord with some.
I hope some of this helps.

9

I have a 9 month old and am admittedly very overprotective also. He also does not sleep too well at night. I've come to the conclusion that you just have to do what makes you comfortable and not worry about what anyone else thinks. If you and your husband are happy with how you are raising your child, that is all that is important. It really doesn't matter whether you are overreacting or too overprotective. It's YOUR child. Your instincts were obviously correct if your relative laid your baby on a couch and walked away. I wouldn't feel badly at all. They are probably all just jealous of what a wonderful mother you are! I think your husband should speak up when it is his family that is involved so you don't look like the "bad guy." Good luck!

10

I was pretty over protective with my first too. Then I had twins and I didn't have as much time to be overprotective. But, I think you were right on target with your concerns. The situations you explained seemed to me to be worrisome too.

I especially agree with not leaving your daughter while a party was happening. My mom is great with my kids, they adore her, but she is a people person and in a group setting she gets distracted and I've had a couple scares because of that. I don't ask her to be in charge of my kids when there are other people around any more.
As for how to handle it, can you make a joke out of it? I used to say things like, "I'm sure I'm being a complete over protective first-time mom, but I just can't help it." Or distract from the situation like in the case of the icing shoving grandma,could you distract her with another conversation or showing her something cute your baby can do?
Lastly, spending that much time with family members is really stressful, especially when they are not your parents and family. You were quite a sport to spend that long with such a young baby. Do you have to do that again? Could the trip be shorter next time?

Good luck! Your baby is lucky to have a mom who loves and cares about her so much. It's wonderful to have time to focus on your first and with the next it's wonderful to be able to relax and enjoy that time too. Keep listening to your instincts, it sounds like you right on.

11

I wouldn't really care about offending other family members. In my life my children come first before anyone,including family members of my own and my husband's. I don't blame you for not wanting to leave your baby at a party where everyone is too busy and the fact of the matter is your sister in law did let the baby get hurt because she wasn't paying attention. That's common sense to not leave a baby laying on a couch or surface by themselves. You raise your baby the way you want, if his family doesn't like it, tough tabookies! She's your child not theirs. What kinda bothers me about this situation is why hasn't your husband stood up for you and your guys parenting? And why in the world would you have to apoligize to your sister in law?! She should be apologizing to you and your husband. My suggestion is to talk to your hubby and let him know that he has to reign in his family or it could get ugly and no one wants that.

12

Sheena,

I am compleatly on your side. I was the same way with my children when they were young. They later told me (as teens) that i care too much. But I just happen to think that is a good thing. Many of the situations you discribed were dangerous, sleeping on stomach, leaving in a back room. I guess that you could try to explain your valid reasons, ie SIDS with child being put to sleep on stomach, Their development capabilities. Such as can't walk yet until they can crawl and their muscles are strong enough. May bring or quoit a article about a specific issue, again SIDS or other. But overall they prob. won't listen and you have to be the Mama bear and protect your baby. Good luck.

13

Hey Sheena, you'd already told me this story, but I just want to let you know how much I admire you as a mother. With most people, I'm always curious as to what kind of mother they will end up being. Not in your case. The amount of love and devotion you have and display for your husband left no question in my mind as to what sort of mother you would be and as I've had the opportunity to watch you the last 10 months, you've confirmed to me that I was right, you are the best kind of mother.

I am so proud of how you've tackled all the challenges and experiences that have come your way and you do it with such love. You are an amazing mother.

14

Family has a way of laying on the guilt. All 3 of your conflicts are understandable.

We are constantly defining our motherhood roles as our baby’s needs change and external situations exist to help us with that process.

It sounds like you are a very loving mother who also cares for her family members. Obviously, baby is taking center stage now, and that’s awesome!