Why can't she pay her bills? If they want to (because she cannot work) maybe she can move in with you or your BIL and then she can pay her own bills or not, but the sons will know she has food and a roof over her head. You and your husband need to put your family first and your kids. God bless!
I would contact your father-in-law and fill him in on what is going on. Tell him your mother-in-law is destroying your marriage. This way he can talk to your son and set him straight or he can talk to his ex-wife and set her straight.
If your husband stops paying everything then she will have no choice but to get off her butt and go to work. Also, I would write down the scripture from the Bible. Leave your mother and father and cleave to your wife. He needs to leave his mother and that means the bills too. If she was disabled or really ill and could not work then that is one thing but just take money and not work then that is another. Do not go to work, stay home and raise your daughter.
That is a very difficult situation. I wish I had some advice for you but I can only offer that I feel your pain. My husband is very very very close to his family, especially his mom. He literally goes to his parents house DAILY. It drives me crazy and he doesn't understand why. Neither of his parents work and they haven't worked since he was in preschool, he's now 26 and to top it off they constantly call him lazy and tell him he needs to be working more on top of the 40 hours he works and 15 hours of school he is already doing. I KNOW if it weren't for his sister already paying ALL of his parents bills plus taking them shopping weekly, my husband would want to help his parents even though this is the situation they chose for themselves. They are very ungrateful for her help also. They have never once in the 4 years I've been with him expressed their gratitude to her. They always just ask for more and more and more. (Just so you get an idea, his sister has purchased 3 cars for them over the last 2 years and only one of them drives)
Sorry this was so long but I hope the best for you.
Tina
I am sorry that I don't have any advice for you really, but as a person that was a first-time mother at the same age you will be, I would not rush back to work so you can pay for your MIL's bills. I am 30 now, but had my first at age 27 and my second 17 mos later and wish I had more time with both of them post delivery. I went back at 5 weeks due to OUR bills but if I were going back to pay for MIL's, it would forever be a burden on my marriage; a resentment towards my husband for making me pay for his mother's bills and take away time from my precious newborn (they only stay newborn so short of a time)!
Tell your husband this. You are being robbed your special time with your newborn even after miticulously planning marriage and parenthood because of your MILs selfishness and you will NOT rush back to work and harm your newborn by not receiving the needed mother attention in order to help someone that will not at least try to help herself. I know you don't want to start trouble but you do have to protect yourself and your baby now. Being a parent means you make the right decission FOR YOUR CHILD and rushing back to work to pay for MIL's issues is not best for your child! YOU WANT TO RAISE YOUR CHILD, NOT HAVE SOMEONE ELSE RAISE HER FOR YOU (don't put down how your MIL care-takes but say you WANT the caretaking job since that is what you signed up for and you appreciate her babysitting but you need time to adjust on your own first)!
Good luck!
I feel for you!
You do have to take a stand though and talk to hubby and tell him your feelings and make it clear it is not about him or MIL, but about YOU and the NEWBORN BABY GIRL!!!!!
Tina,
I have been in a similar situation!! My husband and his mother are VERY close! They had a joint checking account (he got it in college, and never got a new one-even at 27). Well, she would transfer money from his account to hers and would overdraw his account all the time. Not my problem until we were married. Well, it took one time for her to do this to us and I WAS DONE w/the bank account. I had to explain to my DH that it was not just HIS money anymore! It was OURS! Not to mention I was working and pregnant, and she took money w/out telling us!
We switched banks and that helped a little, but she borrowed money here and there....last February was my last straw! I was pregnant w/my 2nd child and she borrowed a large sum of money (to be paid back w/in 1 month)and NEVER PAID it back! I worked my butt off so that I would not be in any financial distress when I would be off work after baby 2 was born, and by lending her that money and never getting in back, it really put a strain on us financially and hurt our marriage!!! I kept telling my DH that he could call her and let her know how I felt or I WOULD! Well, eventually I DID!! She has not borrowed any money since...nor would I ever give her a penny!!!
I do understand that your husband wants to help his mother, but at what cost??? WHY IN THE WORLD would you have to work so that he can pay her bills????? Are you seriously saying you have to go back to work so that you can help pay HER bills and SHE WILL WATCH your new baby??? Is he out of his mind???? I am not trying to be so hard on him b/c I know how upset it makes my DH to know his parents struggle financially, but come on....you are his family now...you are his IMMEDIATE responsibility!! If you have extra money to give that's one thing, but for you to have to go w/out AND miss out on being able to stay home w/your sweet baby...well, that's just unacceptable!
I hope you don't think I am being rude, I promise I feel for you! It's your MIL I am irritated w/! Who does she think she is??? I hope you can sit down and tell her what she's doing to you!! I really hope YOU get to stay w/your baby! Good luck!
Okay, I'm going to start with some personal experience then move to financial advice.
Back before my husband and I were married, he was firmly attached to his mothers apron strings. When it finally came to a head, I told him that I loved him very much but I was going to be most important person in my husband's life. It hurt but I was very firm. I will admit that we separated for a short period of time (3 months), but when we got back together I was in the #1 slot, not mommy. He then went through about 18 months of barely speaking to her, but, when the smoke all cleared, their relationship (and his siblings and their spouses)was much healthier. You need to make sure you are in that #1 slot and set bouneries. If he can't do that, get counseling now, it will NOT get better with time.
Now on to finances. You need to sit down with your husband and look at your budget. How much can you really afford to help out with MIL? Also look at her finances and work out a strict budget. How much help does she really need, split that number and have BILs pick up the other parts. If she goes over her budget, that's her problem. If she doesn't like living that way she will get a job. She's an adult, continously bailing her out is not good for her. If she cannot stick to the budget, she also may need counseling- she is likely using finances as a way of maintaining control of her children's lives.
Finally, if you get a part-time job, then have her baby-sit, at least she will be earning some of the money and still keep a presence in her family's lives. But I would limit it to part-time and make sure she knows you have the final say about what goes on in your children's life from the start. It is likely she will be trying to tie her apron strings onto her grandchildren. If your children can have a healthy relationship with their all of their grandparents, it will give them a stronger foundation in life, but if the relationship cannot be a health one, limit it as much as possible.
Hi Tina, So sorry you are in this predicament. First, your MIL is a TAKER! She is totally selfish and not someone who is a positive in your family. She will eventually destroy what you have built with no consequences to her lifestyle. She is also a Bully to her children, because they will not tell how enough is enough. She knows this too. Put your foot down now and stick to it. If your husband will not "be the man of the house" then you do it. Tell your husband that he is your husband & you and the kids come first. I was in a similar situation 30 years ago (not the financial part). I gave the ultimatum and was prepared to leave. It would have broken my heart. That was not what marriage was supposed to be. If necessary go for therapy, with or without him. I wish you luck, stay strong.
Linda
Tina,
I am so sorry that your MIL has your husband eating out of the palm of her hand & paying his bills!!! What about his 3rd brother? Is he also helping out pay her bills? It seems like he is not, & that he has a good head on his shoulder! Your husband needs to cut his mother off financially right now!! Do NOT go back to work after you give birth! Stay home w/ your baby (at least for a little while), and your MIL will have to get a job. If she is physically healthy, she can be a nanny to a family (which would be better pay than a lot of jobs), or she can clean houses, which would also be cash, and more money than other jobs. You say her physical health is fine - then she must work to pay her own bills! Take your husband to therapy with you - he needs to hear how manipulative his mother is from someone other than you. This situation needs to stop NOW. Shame on his mother!! Do not accept this. Demand that she gets a job. Tell your husband that you will stay home w/ your infant! Best of luck!!!
Tina,
I think it is time to lay down the law! When he married you he chose you over his mother! I could understand if she wasn't able to work, but if she is able to work...then it is time to get a job! Does any of sister-in-laws have a problem with their money going to her? What brought this on? You need to be the one that stays home and raises your daughter! Grandmas are GREAT, but Mothers are the BEST when it comes to raising children. I don't think I would walk out because your daughter deserves to have both parents and if he is loving and cares for you then I don't think you need to leave. Just talk to him and maybe seek professional help, together.
Good luck!
What a loaded problem! I guess I would say, is this going to be a long term problem? It sounds like your sweet hubby needs to realize that he is even more obligated to his wife and children than his mother. In a perfect world, his mother would realize that her dependency is causing him not to be able to be independent. My goal will be for my children to be independent of me and dependent on God. I want them to be able to function as full adults on their own. This is not to say I don't want to be included in their joys and sorrows. She is wrong to manipulate him into taking care of her responsibilities. It would be a different case if she wer not an able bodied person. It is selfish to put a debt on her son and grandchildren. Have you all had a talk with MIL about your desire to be the main caretaker or YOUR child? Have you guys in a non confronting way discussed that the numbers are not adding up right to support you both? Has your hubby told his mother that he is going behind in his bills and could use her help to support the group of you as a whole?
i agree with you...you need to stay home with your child and she should go to work. you have to make your husband see that it's what's best for your child. don't do it in a confrontational manner...think about it before you talk with you husband.
Some great advice I received from a family therapist: set your boundaries with your mother-in-law and stick to them and keep in mind that they are only between you and your husband and your mother-in-law, meaning what your husband's brothers do is their business and you only have control over YOUR relationship with her. When you're ready to communicate with her, write down what you need to say first and then edit, edit, edit. You want to keep it brief, honest, to-the-point and not emotional. It's not necessarily a personal attack, you're just trying to rectify a bad situation that is very much effecting you and your family. If you and your husband and mother-in-law get very emotional when you talk to each other (like I do with my parents!), it could be a good idea to give her a written message first and then schedule a time to discuss it. It's not a cop-out but a great way to prevent hurtful things being said in the heat of the moment. I wish you all the best and hope you find a resolution soon!
Tina,
I don't know if you are a Christian or not. If you and your husband are, he should know that he is not obeying God. God tells him that when he married you, his FIRST responsibility became you and your baby!!!!! There is NO question as to what he should do. The first thing is that he should sit his mother down and explain to her in a loving way that the BEST thing for his marriage is for him to take care of your family first. Only then can he help her with what he can.
Put your immediate family first!
Please consider taking back your life by attending SOS@Zac's Ridge training. www.SOSINC.org. This is a Life Management training class that meets for a weekend and helps you come up with answers to your problems like this. It is only $99 for the weekend plus hotel and whatever you want to eat. It is a bargain for all the tools you get to help you make some major decisions in life. You already know your husband vowed to be married to you, but for some reason it works for him to pay for mama's bills. Come to the training to find out what your next move should be for you and the baby. You may not have to leave him, but you definitely may want to consider learning how to set healthy boundaries with he and your MIL asap. Yes, it's going to cause some hard feelings for awhile, but YOU do not have to feel guilty about that. Your husband has decided to put this burden on your family and apparently didn't ask how you felt about it. Come to the training. You won't be sorry, I promise you that. You will be begging him to go, too. Good luck! Becky
OMG!!! I can't believe what I just read! There's absolutely NO WAY that you or your husband, or your bother-in-law should have to support a grown woman capable of working herself!!! And you should not have to go back to work and not be able to enjoy your baby, just so that your mother-in-law can get that pleasure! She needs to get her lazy butt up and go get a job!!! I know this is very tough, but you do need to tell your husband to choose between you or his mom. You two have your own life together now, and your mother-in-law doesn't need to be a financial burden to you. You're so young and you need to enjoy life and your baby, and not have to worry about financial issues. Who's gonna pay for diapers and other baby needs, if you're paying for your lazy mother-in-law's bills? No, please don't let this go on any longer! This has to stop now, and she needs to pay you back for everything you have paid for her!!! And if she can't accept that, then that's just too bad for her! I can't believe a mom would do this to her children, and I can't believe your husband and his brother are willing to be used this way by their own mother! I wish you the very best of luck, and hope you will take my advise by getting rid of your mother-in-law's burdens.
My issue is with the fact that you are expected to take care of HIS mother. Last I checked, you married HIM not his mom...and in that would take as long as I wanted to in order to have time with my baby. It's HIS responsibility to take care of her or not...
it's also HIS responsibility to tell her she needs to find work. if she's capable, she needs to or live on a budget...not spend as much as she can. I would give her a set budget...and not a penny more. If she needs more money...then she can most certainly get another job...something that we are all required to do when we want to live beyond our means...
it's also his responsibility to take care of his family FIRST. That's you and your baby. PERIOD...end...I don't care what nationality it is.
I would also tell the Father...maybe he can have some influence on his sons in order to get them to see that she's manipulating them...
Good luck to you...you're gonna need it. And CONGRATS on the new wee one.
Should my inlaws get divorced, we would be supporting my MIL - I know that as clearly as I live and breathe. We would also support my dad, if he could not.
That said, this is how it goes down - find the cost of an all utilities paid efficiency apartment in the area. Your MIL has no income, and should therefore qualify for food stamps and medicaid. Divide this in half. That is your husband's monthly Mom bill. Anything beyond that (car, gas, insurance) - we make our kids pay their own... why not our adult able bodied parents?
Or, to quote a TV show - put some carpet in the garage and move her in. :)
Steph
His first priority is to you and your kids. His mother should not be loafing around sucking money out of your accounts. And you should be the one staying home with YOUR kids...not hers. It seems like MIL's always put themselves in perfect situations to be the wife & mother again.
The fact of the matter is that she had her chance as the wife & mother when she was raising her own kids. Now it's your turn to do it.
As a wife with many years of MIL grief behind me, I think I can help you... You sound very responsible and reasonable...You need to approach your MIL yourself and explain your frustration with the situation. Tell her that she is prohibiting her son and his own family unit from a stable financial future by supporting her. Let her know that it is not his responsibility to keep her as a husband would, because he is in fact your husband and a soon to be father. Perhaps she would be open to living with you both if you were able to purchase a home? (try not to wince at that, they hardly ever take up the offer) Remember to be calm when you have this conversation with her. Also an ultimatum to your husband is never a good idea. It's very important to not be the bad guy here. Tell him that you are lookin gout for your child's future here. You never want to come between a son & his mother, but it needs to stop. Ask him if he would feel better offering his mother a place to live in his new home. If this creates a whole new set of disasters, then perhaps counseling with the family priest would help. The bible does state that a man shall seperate from his parents and become one with his wife. Good luck and God bless you and your new baby to be :)