I want to start out by saying that i LOVE my husband very much!! He was definitely my knight in shining armour, we get along great and besides THIS issue and the little tiffs that marriage normally brings, we are truly happy together. Here is my issue, My husband is the youngest of three boys. His parents are divorced, his father is 64 and is still working for the same company for almost 30 years. He is remarried to a woman of mexican descent (she became a citizen). She too, despite her language barrier and the fear of driving, works EVERYDAY, rain or shine, sickness and health and then comes home and does a spic and span job of keeping up with my father in law and her house is spotless!! Now....back to my husbands mother, she is in her early fifties, is a US native, speaks English and Spanish very well, AND is a high school graduate, she has a vehicle and a license...well, my husband and his brother PAY HER RENT AND BILLS EVERY MONTH!!! Her bills come BEFORE OURS!! My husband used to have all of his bills paid ON TIME every month, he is really responsible in that area, well, until he started to HAVE TO pay this extra, UNECCESSARY load that is!! We have stayed behind on some major bills because of her bills!! Need i remind you that we are expecting a baby in June!!!! I have received advice from several people that believe that i should just sit back and let this go on. As of now, i am going to have to go back to work as soon as i can after the baby is born....o and while im doing this...guess who will take care of our daughter????? Yep!! The ole MIL!! I am sooo fed up and i am on the verge of just walking out!! I hate that idea though because my husband and I really do love each other and have no other issues!! I also hate to be the bad person and ask him to choose between she and i. We are still young, both 28 years old and just married. I waited to get married and have a child so that I WOULDNT have these financial issues but here i am still in this dilema. We cant even save to buy a house together because all of our extra money goes straignt to her bills!! I believe she is perfectly healthy and capable of working. Even if it is part time, help use out with SOMETHING!!! She has a stable work history up until a couple of years ago. ALso, she gets to drive around and loligag all day and spend her sons money on ridiculous things meanwhile, i have to scrimp every penny we have just to cover bills!!! Please help!! I need opinions and advice!! I REFUSE to go back to work JUST TO BE ABLE to cover her living while SHE TAKES CARE OF OUR DAUGHTER!!!!
When and why did this start? Is there something about the situation that you don't know? It's a wierd situation, so it makes me wonder what's going on... She should be getting something from her ex if she hasn't re-married. That said, the boys are taking care of her from a good place, but your hubby HAS to take care of you guys first. You might want to get into some family counseling cause something doesn't seem right where she's concerned. Good luck, and I agree with you about you not working just to pay her to watch the baby - that's just wacky.
I agree with the previous post and think some counseling for you and your husband is definitely needed. NO ONE Is going to take better care of your baby than you and that baby needs YOU not Grandma. That's ridiculous for you to have to work to help pay someone elses bills. My mother is 50 yrs old, lives off of every penny she has, does NOT work, gets very little money in disability checks YET NEVER asks us for a dime! She knows WE have bills to pay and children to provide for. If she can't afford to pay her bills, she needs to sign up for assistance from the state to help her out. I'm also curious to know "when" this started......has he been doing this the entire time ya'll were together?
Maybe with the new baby coming that would be a good excuse for him to give her about not being able to help her anymore. I'm totally with you on this one and it needs to stop if it's affecting your family this much. Good luck to you, I hope you get a compromise figured out and keep us updated!
Have you sat and actually communicated with your husband? Have you ask him why his mom doesn't work, and is expecting her kids to support her.? You don't have to ask these question in a confrontal way , but just mention you don't see why your bills have to be not paid, and hers are, and why should you have to go to work instead of staying home and taking care of your own daughter? I would hate for you and your husband to break up over his mother, and I certainly wouldn't mention for him to choose between you, as a person has one kind of love for a mother and another for his wife, and that would be a terrable feeling for someone said choose. But you might mention that although he should have a loving relationship with is mom, that once you get married your first priority should be to each other and your new family, and it even states that in the Bible if that would make a difference to him.
Sounds to me like you have a strong and close enough relationship to gather all YOUR bills and sit down and go over them. Make sure you do not attack his mother but do strongly point out that you will never get a home of your own if your credit goes bad especially with lending companies and the economy right now. You can not afford a single blimish on your record. Figure your bills every month including groceries, gas etc.. and show him in black and white where you stand. Get a free credit report and show him where it is and the report on what will happen if you fall behind or default. Late payments stay on your record just as long as no pay. Suggest maybe you should sit down and review his mothers bills and any money she may have coming in and set her up a budget also. You may suggest instead of you paying all her bills that if she is going to be baby sitting you would pay her the same as you would a daycare to keep the baby and she would be responsible for getting her bills paid. We help my MIL out by paying her home taxes and monthly phone one of my BIL pays her electric and gas and another pays her water the rest is up to her. She has COPD and on oxygen at night. She is a diabetic with arthritis in both knees. She works part time to pay car note and insurance and buy food, etc...She was just diagnosed with breast cancer but chose to put off surgery for 3 months because she works at a tax office and wants to see them through the season. If what you say is true of your relationship you should be able to go to him and work this out.
I do not have much experience with something like this b/c there is no way my husband would do this unless it was temporary and for resonable reasons causing her to not work temporarily. ANYWAY you do not have to sit back and let this happen. I would be careful with how you approach it, b/c it is his mom and that can be sticky, but you have to say something or all your anger is going to build up and you will explode on him. Maybe sit down and just voice that you are worried about affording all the new baby cost with all your extra expenses right now and then go slowly from there.
Dear Tina,
It seems often that guys from other cultures have a great sense of responsibility toward their parents--esp. their mothers. It's often difficult to change cultural beliefs. Would your husband be open to going to counseling about this?
Sheila P.
Oh WOW! I have to agree with the pp - you should NOT sit back and let it happen. I'm sure he loves his mother, but he is obligated to YOU and your children FIRST. That's what happens when you get married. I would sit down with him and talk to him in a calm way - not being ugly about his mother but focus and be very realistic about YOUR financial situation and let him know how worried you are. Ask HIM for some practical solutions. Share your desire to stay at home with your child, etc.
Also, might I suggest you check out daveramsey.com. Buy one of his books or check it out from the library - it will teach you how to budget with the right priorities. There are also financial classes (Financial Peace University) that would help you guys out a lot. It has changed our lives.
Good luck, I know you are in a tight spot!
wow. First of all, you have the right to feel the way you do. It is not your husbands money, it yours as a family/couple. Even if he makes all the income, it belongs to you as a family. Here is my suggestion, either his mother is not well enough to work in witch case she need to apply for disability. If she is well enough to work, well then she needs to work. I would talk to your husband in these very basic terms. (no attacking) This is something you really want to take a stand on, you will not get the years back of raising your child and seeing them grow. And all that comes with that. The Mother in Law is the next best thing, not the best. Good Luck and Be strong!
WOW...that is a lot to take in. I totally understand your frustration. I would not be happy having to return to work after having your little girl just so his mom doesn't have to work. I would have a problem with that. I would also have a problem with the fact that she would be the one getting all the fun times with your little girl. I would have to say that I would have a very hard conversation with your husband. Why does he feel he needs to pay her bills? Did something happen to put that kind of guilt or pressure on him that he feels he needs to do so? I could understand helping out sometimes when things were tight but she isn't even working to help out? That says a lot about her. Have you tried having a conversation with her? The way I look at it is you have a right to be hurt and angry and you for sure have a right to say something since this does affect you. You are the one giving up everything. He is treating his mom like she is the wife and putting her first. I would seriously think about a counselor to help him through this. You should go together where the counselor can help you all communicate through this ordeal. Plus give you boundaries for the MIL.
Is there some physical or mental reason why she can't/doesn't work that you might be unaware of? You need to sit down with your husband and find out why his mom is not working or not able to work anymore. If there is some problem that prevents her from working she needs to see if she qualifies for disablity.
Your family (you, your husband and your child) are FIRST priority. I'm not sure how that will come across to your husband. This might be something you can compromise on like, you will help pay his mom's bill AFTER ALL of YOUR expences are taken care of ONLY if she is activly trying to find work or if she is helping you out at the house. (Having someone to help with the baby wether or not you go back to work is a great blessing!, btw)
your husband is married to you and his first priority is to take care of his family(again that is you, him and your baby). Helping out his mother in difficult times is great but supporting her behavior if there is no reason other than she just doesn't want to work is inableing her to act this way and will not help her or you(your marriage) in the long run.
If she can't afford the house she lives in- she needs ot downsize or maybe move in with one of her children(again- only if she is willing to help with the household chores or get a job to help support the family and herself- if she is unable to work she should be able to help out around the house.)
Also, see if you can take a FPU(financial peace university)class- go to daveramsey.com- I know it's a financial class but you will be amazed at how much it helps out your marriage! Being on the same page financialy with your spouse really makes a difference- this way you can get out of debt for good and have the means to help his mom out if she really needs the help and you won't resent it.
Best of luck adn God bless!
~Carrie
I just read a financial article from Suzi Ormon (I think that is her name, in Oprah's magazine) that said the only way that you are in a position to loan someone money is if your 401ks are funded and you have a 8-9 month liquid fund for emergency savings. It doesn't sound like you have all of that. It sounds like you need to have a serious heart to heart with your husband and then maybe with your MIL. Bring in a financial advisor if you have to.
-Leigh
I'm so sad for you! MIL issues are the worst! Have you talked to your hubby about this? Have you explained (not yelled, ranted or accused) but just explained that you would like to stay home with your child and that you are scrimping but he's paying MIL bills? I assume you have or you wouldn't be so fed up! Ok, next, go to Dave Ramsey's financial peace university - I think his principles may be enough to make your husband look at your situation differently and maybe make a change.
You didn't say why he is paying her bills...is she disabled? Is it just b/c she's not working now? Maybe they need to encourage her to get into a smaller house, rent a cheap apt., etc. If she can't pay the bills she has, then she needs to adjust her lifestyle!
what would happen to MIL if hubby just stopped paying her way? would she live on the street? eat at the soup kitchens?
You need to have a serious talk with hubby, ask him why he feels it necessarry to keep his mother living a life he cannot afford for himself. I am affraid that if I were in your shoes I would have been out the door a long time ago. There is obviously a missing componant to this story, but if you allow this to happen, you have no one to blame but yourself.
She needs to file bankruptcy, move into a smaller apartment and get a part time job to pay for her own expences. This is silly, why are only two brothers helping? where is the other brother? You have a serious problem here, and I would not want that woman near my baby!
Hi Tina,
I am in a similar situation with my MIL, and it makes me furious. My MIL is completely capable of working, however doesn't. I took her to a finacial advisor and that didn't help. Long story short, what we did was figure out what we could comfortable give her after all our bills were paid, and we put a little into savings. Then we told her that after looking over our finances that X amount was what we could give her a month, and that she would have to figure out a way to make up the difference. One problem that I have is that she spends money on silly things, lots of money on silly things. Like you I am still young and never thought that I would have to deal with this at this age!! Plus, very similar my husband is the youngest of 3, and why she thinks we should foot the whole bill I don't know. I am sorry that you are in this situation, however if you don't stand up for yourself then you are going to support this woman for the rest of her life, most likely. That may include her moving in down the road!! Good Luck!!
Wow, I will be praying for you. I think if I were in your shoes I would first talk to my husband and if doesnt "see it" I would talk to her. I dont know how uncomforable that would be or maybe even a family meeting. With the others who pay her bills as well. It sounds like she can do anything and get away with it. What if your husband and his brother puts her on a budget and she needs to take care of the rest and then as the months goes on her budget gets less and less to wein her off of your budget. I would be upset as well and you have every right to be. He is YOUR husband and not hers. If she is able to work and take care of herself then she should. Keep us posted.
God bless you.
Hi - you do have rights. When your husband married you and started a family, the MIL became seperate from him. He is responsible for taking care of the wife and children first, no questions about it. You must lay it out for him - he doesn't have to choose between you and her, you could work together to complete the family. Also my personal opinion is your MIL isn't your babysitter....she is your childs Grandparent and has a specific role as such.
Tina I really feel for you. You need to sit down and have a long talk with your husband. I'm sure in the back of his mind whether he's told you or not, he knows this isn't right, and probably just feels that's his mother... With that being said, you need to SHOW him, write down all your bills, how much they cost, and let him know that isn't including your daughter's cost... Also, remind him that he made the vows to you before "GOD" and not with his mother. You also mentioned that his brother is helping pay for his mother, she has a stronghold on her sons that's for sure. I don't know if your BIL is married, if so or not, have him and his wife with you and your husband talk to your MIL. You also said he's one of three, but it sounded like only two of them are paying the bills for her, talk to the other brother who's not paying her bills, he's probably married too and she put her foot down.
Also when you talk with your husband tell him how unfair she's making both of your life; remind him that you are giving birth to his daughter... then ask him why should his mother get to spend that quality time (that goes by way too fast) while you have to go work to support her... let him know that isn't fair, and maybe if I was you, tell him you aren't going back to work, you want to stay home with your daughter and he'll just have to figure out how he's going to take care of his family.
You really need to talk to your MIL too, I'm not sure if you should talk to her woman to woman first of as a DIL; Besides the obvious reasons remind her that her son is grown and is married and has his own family to take care of. If she wants someone to take care of her, tell her to start dating again... Remind her there is no reason at all she doesn't work, especially when her ex-husband's new wife isn't from America but has a job and goes to work rain or shine... Ask her why she feels she deserves to put the burden on your family and her other sons...
I'm sure you are praying, continue to pray for your husband, your MIL, your family. Ask God to change your MIL's heart, to open her eyes.
I know this has been going on for quite some time so I'm sure this won't be the first time you talk to your husband, maybe by showing him, showing him how much you are going to be paying in late fees and higher interest that he might open his eyes...
I'm praying for you girl, and your marriage! Don't let her steal your joy.
God Bless!
My heart goes out to you. Your husband sounds like a good man who just is doing what he THINKS is right. I would focus on trying to get him to see that his family (his wife and child) come first. Of course you should help parents, siblings, etc. if you have the capacity and it is absolutely necessary. It doesn't sound like both conditions are met. I would suggest finding some outside person who can explain that his first priority needs to be his wife & child. This could be a financial advisor, pastor, or counselor. That might help it not be perceived that you trying to get between your husband and his mother. You could even pose it as trying to get financially prepared before the baby comes.
I wish you the best of luck. Work on this asap. The longer you stay in this situation, the harder it will be to end it.
Tina,
So sorry to hear you are in this situation. I highly recommend IMAGO marriage counseling - this specifically deals with how past and present parent/child relationships affect our adult relationships with our partners now. It will help your husband realize why he feels he has to support his mother this way and then figure out how to STOP. Plus, it will help your intimacy & understanding of each other.
My husband and I started about a month ago and it is very helpful. My husband thanked me for finding this counseling.
It is based on Harville Hendrix book "Finding the Love You Want".
PM me if you have any questions. Our counselor is Gay Jurgens 214-352-8262.