I have been with my husband 12 years this June. Last May I admitted to him that 6 years before I had a one night stand. We went through a very difficult spot after but seemed to have worked through it, or so I thought.
Before I go any farther I will mention that earlier in our relationship my husband also had an affair, so I know how difficult it is to regain trust. However I never brought up the affair to him again after the day he told me nor did I ever go through any of his things.
Ok so back to my problem. As I mentioned I thought he and I had started to work things out. Yet he keeps throwing it in my face when he is mad at me, and I have caught him going through my things whenever he wants. I have no problems showing him any of my stuff I am not hiding anything, but he says if he asks me to look through my things I will hide stuff. He says I am up to something and he will find it.
I don't know what to do. I am so confused. I love my husband but I don't like him going through my computer accounts, my purse, back pack and all like I have done something wrong. He does this at least 1 a week if not more. It's always when I am busy with the kids, asleep, or occupied with something else.
Sorry for this rant nut I don't know what to do. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
My advice is to go to marriage counceling. There is one of two things going on, he is insecure and being paranoid or he is cheating again and is feeling guilty so he is hoping to either throw you off track or catch you doing something so he feels justified. That is what my daughter's father tried to do to me when he was cheating.
12yrs is a long to just throw it all away and it doesn't sound like that is what you want to do. You have your right to your private things like your purse and what not and you need to tell him to stop. Find a good councelor that you two can go to together and get this worked out.
Good luck
Sharie
Usually when people "snoop" it's because they are insecure about something OR they themselves are doing something wrong. I'm not saying that your hubby is cheating on you, BUT with this daily snooping it could be possible! If he isn't cheating then he obviously believes that you are and he really should go and seek counseling. I found out about my hubby's attempts to cheat on me and would drive myself insane by going through his cell, e-mail accounts, receipts, etc. until finally one day I just came to the realization of realty that if he indeed was cheating on me he wouldn't be so stupid to leave that kind of proof easily accessed by me-not this time because he knows that I check it. Plus furthermore it's not healthy-he will literally drive himself insane by doing so-I mean seriously is he going to be going through your things accusing you of cheating when ya'll are 80 years old! c'mon! I have been deceived myself and I know how it feels but you just have to move forward and try to regain that trust-not that it's not in the back of your head but if he's going to cheat - he's going to cheat and hubby knows now that IF I find proof that he has indeed cheated on me or proof that he is "talking" to another woman. I and his two girls will be gone for good and he will NEVER ever see us again-period. I don't think he really thought about all the consequences involved the last attempt-don't get the wrong impression my hubby has never actually gone through with the intercourse part - but he surely did attempt it and that in itself to me IS cheating. I also cheated on him several years ago during a time that we seperated-but he forgave me and he doesn't go through my things like that. I have been married for 12 years myself this September and it has been ROUGH! Marriage isn't easy but when you have been with someone for that amount of time combined with the fact you have children together-it really isn't worth just throwing it all away like that-go seek counseling. It never worked for us and mainly because we couldn't afford to and never really did find someone we truly connected with. HOWEVER, in all of this you also need to understand you played a role in this as well-as well as him but you need to understand and be patient that everyone deals with things in their own way. Doesn't mean it makes it right for him to snoop thru your things because we all need our own space so to say...all I can say is time heals the pain but there is no set amount of time for a person to "officially" get over their trust issues after they have been deceived. In my opinion and just my opinion with the amount of his snooping around - you might want to do some of your own investigation too. Don't go too extreme but his behavior seems kind of odd to me-and you would be basically doing the same to him as he is to you-but if he caught you doing so and got angry about it - how can he get angry when he is doing EXACTLY the same thing? Furthermore if he gets mad about it then he must obviously be doing something wrong himself. Good luck-I wish you the best.
He feels insecure, try to be more present and affectionate to him, you could show him with your actions how much you want/need him in in your life and how unique he is for you...sometimes sctions speak louder than words and I doubt you'll be able to convince him with a nice, logic conversation as his fear is really irrational. Good luck!
I understand both of your feelings. We have dealt with some things in our marriage that can relate.
I would recommend counseling. It truly saved our marriage. I think it is important to find a recommended counselor who has similar beliefs to yours. Also, joint counseling is where you go to counseling both together and separately. I think that is excellent as well, because it gives the freedom for both of you to work through things together and separate, and if you are willing to do this too then your husband will most likely be more willing to do it. And I personally think that counseling is a good thing, not something to feel negatively about, so I think that both of you together and individually can benefit.
I was going to say, just let him go through your things if that makes him feel better and you have nothing to hide. But enough is enough. You have a right to your privacy since the affair happened so long ago. So I agree with the other ladies. You guys really need to go to counseling. If you can't afford it, a lot of churches offer free counseling. He needs personal counseling as well because he is obviously very insecure. Let him know that you love him and you are committed to your marriage and that you think marriage counseling could help make your marriage better. Don't say "you need counseling", tell him that it's for your marriage so he doesn't get defensive. Hope things get better soon for you.
It sounds like you have both breached each other's trust & it is more difficult for him to regain it back for you. The reason could be because as a man, women understand that an affair is more about the physical attraction & can carry with it little or no emotional attachment. For a women, it usually means a strong emotional attraction pullled her to cheat & that is something that cuts at the core of a guy's heart. He longs to be admired & respected. He also has a huge need (number one perhaps) to be sexually satisfied. When you cheat on a man, it means you are giving his number one desire to someone else & robbing him of the pleasure of filling that need to it's capacity. You may have recovered more easily because it was viewed as a physical attraction, which is lower on the scale of a women's needs, typically. You should both seek counseling to work through this & establish some ways to be accountable without suspicion. work through the "Love Dare" book & watch the "Fireproof" movie together. Be ready to cross the line & go the extra mile to meet his needs, while working on your character. Avoid pointing fingers & justifying actions. Good luck!
I know how you feel. The same thing happened to me and my husband. I was the one in the affair. He of course initially told me all was forgiven. Every year for a couple of years at New Year's eve he would say we will start anew but when he got angry or was drinking it came up. If he saw the guy he would get angry. I do understand the hurt he was feeling but I could not change the past. He did not treat me well at times and I looked toward a divorce. He accused me of not showing him I was sorry but how can you when you are not treated or talked to in a very nice way. We went through this for several years. I got to the point that I was only existing and didn't like him very much. I went to our pastor for counseling (as did he - separately). I didn't want to be with him intimately. Friends prayed for us even though I didn't want her to. Things finally turned around after we spent some time alone and things started happening. We went on a cruise last year and today we are celebrating our 27th Wedding anniversary. Prayer does change things. Pray for peace.
Hi Rena - read your story and so sorry you are going through this. I know from personal experience from my prior marriage that when trust is broken it takes an Army to gain it back and sometimes unfortunately, it ends the marriage as in my case but this doesn't have to happen to you. I feel that even though you broke the marriage vows once it may take a while to gain that trust back from your husband. I know men take things differently than women..when my ex cheated on our marriage I had to find out from checking his e-mail and when confronted he admitted to it. Ask him to go to counseling with you to work this out. Do what you can within your power to save your marriage. Tell him you are an open book and ya'll need to sit down and read the pages together. But my best advice would be to seek outside help before his distrust ends up in him or you having to end things and the children deserve the best possible chance both of you can give the marriage. Look at what the issues were that caused the infadelity and work on those as well. Tammy M.
How much older is your husband than you? Is he the same age within a year or so?
By my calculations you got pregnant and married at a VERY young age and I'm guessing he was just as young. Seeing that the two of you were so young starting out I can see where both of you had indiscretions (no that it makes it right or OK) but you've never known anyone else (I'm guessing). And when you get married so young and inexperienced the first rough spot is tougher than for most experienced couples. I think one of the other posts hit the nail on the head and you need to seek counseling. For some reason men have a much harder time getting over things…lots of things…not just this…and it's going to take a lot for your husband to regain trust. You'll both have to work hard and the counselor should be trying to help your husband get over this hurdle.
I wish you the very best of luck!
Hi it sounds like he's keeping you extra busy so you don't have time to realize that he's back cheating. Classic treatment of a cheater: Making you feel guilty over past mistakes,Accusations they KNOW are untrue,upset all the time, not wanting to communicate in love but rather in anger.
Your way too busy to cheat, you know it he knows it too. He wants you to be so busy defending yourself you can't see what may be the truth. Working things out does not start with making your spouse feel guilty or accusing them of things they have no proof of. He's probably hoping he find something so he will have an excuse to say it's over or to justify his own cheating...But what do I know..I'm married(3yrs.)to one of the most kindest men in the world. He only goes missing Mon-Fri from 7am-4pm and he calls home several times a day.
Counseling is probably a good idea so that you can both work out this issue together with a non-biased third party. I also agree with others that either he is feeling insecure or he is cheating again and looking for justification. In either case, you need to be honest with him about what you are feeling now. Tell him that he has every right to no longer trust you (don't bring up his past affair - this is about you now). But him looking through your things is making you feel uncomfortable and actually pulling you away from him. Then ask him what he thinks and what you can do to be trustworthy again so that he doesn't have to look through your things. Depending on what he says, offer to do what he asks of you to be trustworthy. Trust takes a long time to earn and second to lose. You don't need him to trust you, YOU need to be trustworthy and the rest will follow. If he continues to be insecure, then counseling would definitely be a good idea.
Relationships are a complicated thing -- especially when thrown a curve-ball like extramarital activity. Honestly, I think his reaction to your affair is WAY more normal than your was to his affair. If you both want to work on repairing the relationship you have and stay strong together, I would highly recommend finding a counselor. I don't think there's any way that a couple can do overcome an affair on their own -- it's too highly charged and too difficult to see things from a clear perspective when you're so close to the situation.
Good luck to you!
You either have to move forward both of you are realize life is a risk or consider counseling. Trust after being broken takes time to restore only if both parties are willing to work towards trusting each other again.
I have had some one cheat on me and it ended our relationship, he got her preg and it was time for us to be over, we made that choice. As far as trust I've had to regain trust of another after them having a drinking and drug problem...it either way takes time to regain trust. It's not easy if it was you wouldn't be asking for advise...so here it is...little by little everyday but I am concerned he won't trust you again. For some it takes seeing they aren't doing anything every week for a long time for others a short time and during that time may I suggest both of you learning to take for each other be together alone learn how to talk to each other.
Since you've both been unfaithful, if you want to move on then BOTH of you should agree that any mention regarding either's infidelity is off the table from here on out. Getting counseling seems like a key component in saving your relationship.
I think you should seriously examine why you told him about the one night stand. What good came of that? Was it payback because he had an affair? I don't understand telling your spouse something that will only hurt and cause problems, especially 6 years after the fact unless you have serious underlying issues. Also, he should keep his mouth shut and suck it up since he had an affair -which is FAR more serious than a one night stand. They're both breaches of trust and your marriage vows, but an affair is a relationship, and that would make me far more angry. Again, I think counseling -and maybe some one on one counseling for you should be involved here.
First - NEVER admit to an affair (too late now). You were trying to get rid of your guilt, not his. Didn't work. If you really want your marriage to work, YOU work on it. Take your pocketbook to him, tell him to go thru it, every time you go anywhere and when you come back. Schedule a time each day when he comes home, for him to go thru your things. He doesn't trust you now and it will take a long time to build that trust back. Show him by your actions that you have nothing to hide. Tell him where you're going, approximately how long you will be gone, ask him to stop by and check on you.
Rena,
It sounds like both of you are experiencing hurts and pains from one another's actions, especially in the TRUST area.
I suggest you and your Husband take your marriage to God in prayer. He is the only resolution to healing your relationship so you both can move past the broken hearts with forgiveness. But first "YOU" start off by getting an intimate and personal relationship with Jesus and if you already have a relationship with Jesus-get even closer with Him by reading His Holy Word (Bible)daily and stay in prayer(always talking to God)so you can hear from Him clearly as He gives you healing,direction, patience, forgiveness, and a restored Love in your marriage.
Jesus is the resolution to every problem- through life experiences, I know....
Start off by reading Matthew 11:28-30
Sincerely Concerned,
Nicole H.
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