I have a very mature and responsible freshman daughter who has been "dating" a 16 1/2 year old junior. She sees him at school and talks to him on the phone. I have let her go to the mall on a weekend afternoon with him and he has been over the house 1 time. I have talked to her about sex and feelings and everything in between. So far she is showing me that I can trust her. Is it wrong to let her hang out with him at the mall, see a movie or just have him come over for a few hours (supervised)? I feel as though I am keeping my eyes open. He does not have a license and gets rides from parents. My husband who is her step-father thinks I am out of my mind to allow her to go anywhere with him. Again, she is a responsible girl (does homework, takes honors classes, gets good grades and cooperates with chores around the house). I hate to say no to her when she is acting so appropriately otherwise. I would love some feedback for peace of mind! I have feeling this is more of a male/female battle! Thanks!!
Absolutely they should be allowed to date. It sounds like you have very reasonable expectations for the relationship, have good communication with your daughter, and so far there have been no problems. If you tell her she can't date him she'll just be resentful and it might make her feel like she has been pushed into a position where she's forced to lie to you (if she wants to keep dating him). I don't have a teenager yet, but I teach high school, so I see this a lot! It might be helpful for your husband to talk to her about his concerns (he's been a HS boy, etc), but dating relationships take practice like everything else - best that she learn while you guys are still looking out for her!
I think it is fine that you are allowing her to spend time with him. Great you had the sex talk with her and from what you have said she seems to make the "right choices" as far as homework and everything else. I think its good that you are keeping an eye out. If you don't let her see him she may do it behind your back, then you won't be watching and it would change your relationship with your daugher. She would be lying to you (if she still wants to see him) and feel like you didn't trust her and resentment etc. I think you are right. It probably is a Male/female battle. Your husband knowing how boys think, perhaps could talk to your daughter about what he knows about boys. Good luck!
Dear Julie,
i ha a hard time understanding what could be wrong with this? Sounds perfectly healthy and normal to me. You say you trst your daughter, so that's great. Trust her. What on earth could go wrong? worst cae scenario: they have unprotected sex and she gets pregnant. But it oes not sound like she would risk that, and she knows about the risk, right?
I had an 18 year old boyfriedn when i was 13. My parents did not get inolved. They trusted me. I knew what i wanted and what i didn't. I was with him for a year. I did not feel like sexual intercourse. he respected that. All was fine. I split up amd had a number of other relationships until sing my virginity at 17, after asking my mum for help for getting teh pill. I think trusting your children makes them responsible. like i was. My parents gave me a lot of freedom.
Ask your husband and yourself what you are worried about precisely, and why you have a need to control it.
sounds like you have a great relationship to a beautiful daughter.
best,
dagmar
I can relate to your situation. I have 1 child (daughter, 14) who is dating a 17 yr old boy too. They are exactly 3 yrs apart in age. They do not go to school together though. They have been dating since November of last year. My husband, who is her father thinks I am out of my mind too and way to easy on her. They are not allowed to see each other alone at any time. They usually go skating or to the mall with a group of freinds. My daughter and I have a very open and honest relationship and we talk about everything. She comes to me and is very comfortable asking me any question. I also get very involved in knowing all her friends and most of them call me mom and have a great deal of respect for me. We have to learn to trust that we have raised good children and that they will make good decisions. I know my daughter has a great deal of respect for herself, and for me. That goes a long way. I see it everyday in the way she acts and handles herself. As much as I hate it we have to let them grow up and make their own choices and hope they make the right ones. Some people may think I am crazy but I believe the more we smother them and make their choices for them, the more they will rebel behind our backs and may make the wrong ones. I would much rather be more involved in her life and know what is going on than to have her doing it behind my back. Lets be honest if she really wants to see him she will find a way. They do go to school together and hang in the same crowds. We as moms will never stop worrying but try to relax and make peace with your decision. Keep looking for clues and be very involved with her and talking to her. I think there will be many clues if something is going to happen. Good luck and keep your eyes and ears open.
I would say that you are doing what's right. By allowing them to hang out together, supervised, you're not giving them a reason to sneak off. When I was 14, if I was told I should do something/see someone, that was the first thing I did!
You are showing her that you support her decisions and trust her to make the right ones. Also by allowing them to see each other you will be able to talk with her about the relationship and see them together to make sure that everything that is going on is appropriate and you will have time to react if little alarm bells start going off because something is going on that it shouldn't.
At her age, I would draw a line at letting her ride with him (if/when he gets a license), but with him and his parents taking them places or you taking them places, it's fine.
Hi Julie,
this one is sooo tough...why do they have to grow up? The bottom line really is that they are going to do what they think is the right thing, in their mind, regardless of what you say. I think the best thing that you have going for you is the fact that you have an open line of communication with her and keep talking to her. Personally, I would be having her invite him over (only when your home of course:) and when your husband is home, because sometimes men have a pretty good instinct for other guys, and spend some time getting to know him...the hard part is letting them learn how all this stuff works but in a somewhat structured environment but with out them knowing that your still there...make sense? The more you clamp down the more appealing he will become. Instincually we automatically want to say no to this and protect her but she needs to have a tiny bit of space to begin to learn how relationships work so she can make her mistakes and learn from them as well as seeing what she likes and doesnt like. I think being around them or listening to how they treat each other will give you a good sense of how far into this they are. So keep talking and set up some good solid boundries with her and let her know that you will trust her until you cant, meaning that if she is acting mature about this and staying within the boundries then you will have faith in her. That attitude has always worked for me and I have a fantastic relationship with my teenager (18 year old boy)He has always come to me and still does...I enjoy him very much realistically I know there are things that he does and doesnt tell me about it but overall he has learned to make his own decisions and learn from his choices, because i had faith in him, that is more relationship building than saying no you cant do this and they do it anyway and the fight begins...see what i mean? I hope this helps and I hope you and your husband can find somewhere in the middle of the road to meet up and stand together to support her when that comes, you will feel better, as your support will be stronger and she will be happier as there will be no wiggle room and the bounds will be solid. Im sure that it is hard for any Dad to agree to these things but it is surely because he cares and that is a great place to start:)
Hi Julie, having two daughters myself, I know what your going through. She's 14, at some point you have to let her know you trust her. I always told my daughters, I trust you as long as you don't give me a reason not to. As long as you keep an open line of communication, and she understands that you are MOM THE ALL SEEING, it really is no big deal that you let her go to the mall with him, or see a movie, or even have him over, the question is do you have a sence of trust for the boy? Besides, now a days, girls are keeping themselves until they are married, and focusing on other things. Go ahead, let hang out with him
Hi Julie,
I really don't think you are "out of your mind" as your husband puts it. I think that he is remembering how he or some are at that age. Which is pefectly understandable! But on the other hand, you seem to have a very strong relationship with your daughter and it is imporant to keep that bond with her. I am a mother of two boys, ages 12 and 10 and really hope to keep a strong bond with them that will last a lifetime. You are giving her the freedome that she deserves. She has not given you any reason not to let her see this boy. I have always thought of it like this, if there is no reason to say no then say yes. If the time comes and she seems to be slacking in her school work or other things seem to you as though they are dependant on her being with this boy then and only then should you stop her. Until then, let her prove her responsibility to you and make you proud!
I think you are being responsible. You have talked to her about everything that she needs to know, you have raised her to have a good head on her shoulders, and she seems to be a very smart girl.
You are letting her have a boyfriend and go out with him (in a responsible way). They are having supervised time together and if a parent isn't there, they are in a public place (mall, movie theater, etc) - which makes it difficult to even consider sexual activities. I would just go with it. At some point, if you think things are getting too serious, try to talk to her about it. Based on what you said, you have a solid relationship with your daughter, and I'm sure that she appreciates your trust for her.
Julie
I feel your pain, for i am in a similiar situation. My 17yr old son has the same relationship with a 15yr old freshman and he is a senior and almost 18.
I do not know what made him choose this girl, they both have alot in common, they are both AG kids and yadayada.
I think you are doing the right thing, they really have not been out in a car date. And you have been very open with her, and plus have allowed him to come over your home. We all as parents worry about our kids and she is in honors, and all of the above.
I have had a hard time with this myself but i have been very open with the both of them, he has not been allowed over her fathers house or her mothers house, they have all just really found out, I knew a month before any of them, the father and the mother both had cows, and i had an elephant. My husband and I told my son to tell this young lady that we wanted to meet them/all of the parents and have been told that they are not ready to meet us yet..In the last 2 months our 2 teens have become gluesticked together, she calls here every night at 8pm and they chat for hours.
My son does not have his license either, i have picked her up twice to go to a supervised event(school), i have allowed the mall and a movie also with other friends, i think it is was important at this point to have very open lines of communication and trust.
I also want to say that my son is on the honnor roll and is very involved in school and track/and this young lady is not very good with her grades.
Your husband sees his little girl and not wanting her to grow up. But in this day and age/the age 14 that is the age young ladies start to date. I think you are doing the right thing and i hope that i am too.
Good luck to you and you can email me anytime
Hi Julie,
My daughters and son are all grown now, but I certainly remember 'those' days. I was very fortunate to have wonderful daughters (and son) who were very responsible, active in school.
Your relationship sounds very solid. I always had an open door policy at home: 1st open door: the front door. I encouraged my kids to have their friends over. 2nd open door: bedroom doors open when boyfriend/girlfriend guests were over. I liked to talk to the fiends too, on a casual basis. Fourteen is young, and a sixteen yr old could certainly take advantage of her. But, with your involvement, public place type 'dates', and get to know his parents too, everything should be ok. I would not forbid her to see him... she'll just want to see him more if you do. Tell your husband (stepdad) to shoot some hoops with the boyfriend...get to know him. Your daughter needs to get to know and socialize with boys...its life. Hope it helps. Oh, my girls, and my boy, got thru it all just fine... all grown with babies now.
Have some great mother-daughter moments.
As a high school teacher, I can tell you that it is perfectly normal and acceptable for a freshman to be dating a 16 year old, especially at this point in the year. And I think the fact that he does not have a license makes things that much easier. If you forbid her from seeing him, you are setting the stage for her to either be miserable and resent you or to lie to you. Allowing her to slowly gain independence in a supportive and respectful way is helping to establish a healthy more "adult" dynamic between you. The fact that you are constantly reassessing your parenting methods to adjust to the needs of a growing child is healthy and necessary. I've seen too many students' parents let them grow up too fast and an equal number stunt their children's growth by being unreasonably strict. I wish we had more balanced parents like you!!
I think that you are doing the right thing. If you told her that she couldn't see him, there's the possibility that she would start sneaking around and lying to see him. If she really likes him, you won't be able to keep her from seeing him so you should have control of things by having him come over to the house or allowing them to go to public places such as the mall.
I personally would not let her hang out with just her boyfriend. I think 14 is too young for dating. At that age two years is a big difference still. I always worry when an older boy seeks out a younger girl. At this age I think a group of friends hanging out is a much better idea. 14 is too young, no matter how responsible she is in other areas, to be getting into possible adult situations. She will have many many years of dating what's the rush. Persoanlly my kids are not allowed to date until they are 16 and then it has to be at least a double date or more people until they are 18.
You're doing the right thing. Forbidding the relationship will likely force her to become dishonest. She won't likely stop seeing him, but will start sneaking around. Once she defies you and herself regarding that, the next step is sex. It's important to be open with your daughter, and you seem to have an excellent relationship. Don't spoil it by becoming a tyrant! Honestly when it comes to sex, a 16 year-old boy is no different than a 14, 15, or 17 year-old!
i dont think that would be a problem at all. youre obviously on top of your game. just tell her that you are giving her a chance to prove you can trust her (and him) and see how things go from there! i remember "dating" at 14 and hanging out at our houses or in public places. just set your ground rules and let her know up front what you expect and that you dont want her to disappoint you. i think she'll be fine! and you will too! go with your gut...if youre feeling ok with it, then let her go places. but once you start getting bad feelings about it, talk to her.
Hi Julie,
As a mother of a 16 year old son, I would advise group gatherings or adult supervised in home visits. A 14 year old, or 16 year old, no matter how mature, are NOT adults. You can do the research, but the part of the brain that basically makes common sense decisions is believed to not fully develop until 18 or so for girls and 20 something for boys! I have seen this day to day with my son, who is an honor roll student, they seem to just live in the moment. He has confided in me about the disasters of his friends having sexual relations, and there are many doing it. He dated a girl for over a year and was glad he didn't go that route, it was a much easier breakup. No emotional baggage. I would definitely discuss things like respecting your body and the very adult results of one bad decision. If you have a religious background, pehaps a discussion about waiting for the right person and regrets for not doing so. These are all discussions my son and I have had and seemed to help. I never had that openness and support as a teen and made some bad decisions I regretted.
Hope this helps a bit. In the end it is their decision and they will find ways to be together if you try to control the situation too much. No matter how innocent they seem, they are battling hormones and peer pressure, some kids just make better decisions.
Michelle
I totally dread this day in my family. I didn't have a solid relationship with anyone in my family that was close enough to make a difference. So I believe you are worlds better with this situation. As long as you are comfortable with everything it seems okay-with everything supervised. I would NOT suggest letting her over his house only because parents are different with boys. Public places with other friends and people around I feel is okay. But I stress as long as your comfortable with it. Mothers have instincts like that. My Mom knew immediately when I was getting into trouble. You should talk to her first about what you'll do if you start to feel things may be getting too serious for her to handle and the actions you would take. That way she doesn't feel threatened if it does happen and jet in the wrong direction. Keep an open, comfortable and trusting relationshp with her and I believe all would be fine. As for your husband...ask him what he would do so she wouldn't resent you both and she still feels she is trusted. Sometimes pulling back on the reigns means disaster will strike but sooner is better. So do not hestiate but move slowly as to not freak her out. Again keep this discussions open with her as well. Your husband knows boys better just as you know your daughter better. Trust his instincts too. He will sense somthing in the boy sooner than you will.
I pray the best for your situation.
I do think you are doing the right thing. It's very normal for a freshman to date a junior, and making a big deal out of it could close communication lines between you and cause a whole bunch of problems. I think the best thing you can do is get to know the boy as well as possible - so having him over (supervised) is ideal. For going out, I would advise having them go along with a group of friends, either as a double date or as part of a larger group.