I just recently got married to the love of my life. We reunited on a deployment in Kuwait late last year. Me and my husband love each other very much and we dont usually care about what other people think. But he informed that his mother hates me but cant seem to tell me why. But he tells me not to worry about it because he loves me and thats all that matters. I believe that but what do i do when we have our first child together? Do I allow a women that doesnt like me be around my child? What a family functions how do I be comfortable being in a room with a woman that feels like I stole her son from her and she treats me like I committed a crime. I have been through a lot and for God to put this man back in my life is a true blessing from him. But what do I do to get his mother to understand that my husband and I are in love and we are going to be together no matter what.
My mother in law talked all sorts of crap behind my back when i started dating her "baby". I put up with the jokes, snickering and such for a bit. Once I found out I was pregnant and we were getting married, i put my foot down. I told her that in order for this to be a close, tight-nit family, we all need to get along. there has to be another common ground besides your son. over the past three years it has gotten better. i still have to remind her that i am the wife and mother of our children. but things have gotten better.
good luck
Hi! First off, Congrats on your marriage and your new life! Ouch, that mom doesn't like you though, that can make it rough at times especially holidays/birthdays, etc. You don't want to keep the kids from her though because that Grandma bond is a very special one and just because you two don't get along, there is no reason the kids even have to know it! I say confront the lady - invite her to lunch or something special just to bring things out in the open - it could be just a misunderstanding! And let's face it, guys can be very blunt and untactful with their feelings so what he told you may not be what she told him - or whatever! If that approach doesn't work, and she just hates you, then just lay it on thick and kill her with kindness - it will eat her up and "God don't like ugly"! Good Luck!
At my outdoor wedding rehearsal, I joked about my father-in-law chasing me up a tree, and he actually laughed. He was not at all happy about the marriage. He did not at all like his son-in-law either. Although he was not real close with his kids, no one was good enough for them. With time he came to like me then love me. Sometimes it just takes time (years) and getting to know each other better for the in-law to decide you're not a monster and not stealing away their darling son. Don't put your hubby in the situation of choosing between the two of you, but on the other hand you may need to set boundaries with the help of your hubby.
Not sure it was beneficial for your husband to tell you his mom "hates" you... but LOVE her - even when it is hard - take the high road - always - even if she doesn't love you back. There is nothing you can do to make someone else change... your best course of action is to love and respect her son and to treat her with respect as well.
I agree with the previous comments and especially with Julie. Pray for your mother-in-law and show her love. I know it can be hard, but hang in there.
"Kill her" with love and sweetness. Act like you don't know that about her, as if you think she is the most amazing, wonderful woman in the world. Never be put off by anything she does, consciously. Need her, feed her soul, love on her, compliment her, seek her out for recipes, ask her about her child-rearing life, how did it go, what was it like, reach out to her. Send her things. Give her things. You are wooing her. She sees you as a threat of some kind. Don't give her reason to continue feeling that way. See it as your special, very important and necessary project, to preserve and protect the loving environment of your long term family health. Become someone she can't help but cherish. It may take a long time to get to that, but plant seeds in that direction every time you see her. Think of her "alleged" hate of you as a challenge, an obstacle, a temporary 'craziness' that you will eventually find a way to mow down, until....one day, she loves you so much and needs you so much, that she can't imagine what she ever did without you. Become the loving 'daughter she never had'. "Do unto others as you would..." It always works. You are a modern, 21st Century woman, a warrior, and you can do this little thing too!
Donna, have ever heard the phrase," kindness will kill a cat"? I've been through some of the same things. Except I don't think my mil hates me I just think she jealous of our realationship, because her and my husand are not that close because of things she did or didn't do in the past. I'm not telling u to kiss her ass but don't give her a reason to blame u for anything. Being the mature one will really open ur husband eyes about his mother, lets just face it, guys are sucker for their mothers! Respect her and she has no other choice but to repect u other wise if she doesn't it will make look real stupid in front of her baby boy! Pm me if u need more advice.
Donna,
You have gotten some wonderful advice, and I agree, do your best to be nice and include your mother-in-law. AND, DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Chances are it didn't matter who her son married......she just can't stand sharing him. This is about her insecurities, not you. Keep that in mind and it will help you be kind.
If she is good with your children (when you have them) then let her in. Be as nice as possible, but unlike the others I don't think you have to ALWAYS take the high road or be a door mat. If she ever says anything unkind to you I would suggest you very gently and kindly talk to her about it. Take every opportunity to show her you are not a threat and want her to have a good relationship with her son. That you want to be part of the family, not steal her boy away.
I think that if you are patient and kind you will see a change in your mother-in-law. Honor her, consider her, include her. Women do that for other women and you will forge a relationship, but it could take awhile, so please be patient.
and tell your husband he doesn't have to share anything negative his mother says to him about you. That will not help anything..........and also ask him not to share everything you say with his mother!
Yes, she is your husband's mother regardless how she feels about you.
And, she is your child's grandmother. Just be kind and patient. That's all you can do. Don't talk bad about her to your children. They will grow up seeing a mother who is kind and forgiving and patient.
And, hopefully, so will your mother-in-law!
Donna, my advice would difffer a bit from what others have said. Our pastor did a message on in-laws and it was pretty awesome. It's really your hubby's place to address his mom about the matter. He needs her to know that he will not tolerate negativity about his wife. As far as kids go, my hubby won't leave my kids with any grandparent who is mean and nasty toward any other grandparent (we've had that happen). His job is to keep our family at peace. If the grandparent wants to come to OUR house and spend time with the kiddos, she is welcome. If she starts being rude and mean, she is welcome to leave. I know all of this may seem harsh, but unity in your immediate family needs to be the priority.
Hello Donna,
I can totally relate! I have been married to my husband now for almost 12 yrs and she is just now warming up. It is so sad that people choose to behave the way that they do and form opinions without valid reason. Even then people deserve a chance to prove otherwise.
All I can tell you is to be the best wife God called you to be. It is him that you want to please and no one else. You and your husband just enjoy each other and the child that you have and the making of baby #2.
Pray for her and God will take care of the rest. In fact he already has, but he wants you to ask him on her behalf just the same.
Be Blessed and enjoy your family!
Why in the world did he feel compelled to tell you his mother hated you?
My mother in law hates me too and I've been married for 21 years. I am civil at family functions and basically just stay out of the way as much as possible. I've known my husband for 30 years and so have obviously tried many many times to make her like me. But it's not going to happen and at this point I really don't care. Luckily they've moved out of state so I don't have to deal with her very often.
:-)
You will need a thick skin because it hurts when you've tried so hard to be accepted and failed. My advice is to let it go. You cannot MAKE someone like you if they've already decided they do not. Just be your regular sweet self around them. That way it's her problem and not yours. It will be obvious to all that you've done your best and that she is the one being unreasonable.
Good luck!! I know how you feel.
First, and perhaps most important, what was your husband's motivation in sharing this news with you? Certainly not to drive the two of you together.
The best defense here is a gr eat offense. Greet your mother-in-law every time you see her as though she is a treasured friend. When you and your husband go to visit her, take her flowers, some homemade cookies or anything else that she likes. Present the gift to her with a warm hug and a smile and tell her how grateful you are to her for the partnership of a great man. If she snubs your gift, apologize and let her know you had no idea she was allergic to coconut or hates the aroma of roses and will never bring them again. If you stay consistent with this, you will soon have a happy mother-in-law. If not, continue to be a wonderful daughter-in-law and you will have had no responsibility in contributing toward a bad relationship.
As a Life Coach I believe that you need to work the situation through with your Mother in law. It is clear that this problem will never go away and ignoring it is going to make for a lifetime of issues. If your husband had not told you, would you have known that she hates you?
If it is possible, I would suggest you have a conversation with her letting her know that your intention is to have a peaceful relationship with her, not for you, but for your husband. He may not feel he needs to choose right now, but a time will come when he must choose a side, putting him in a horrible position. If you can find out why she dislikes you and if the reasons are rational, find a way to bridge the problems, you will save yourself a lot of future anxiety. If the only reason she hates you is because you "stole her son", you will have to come to an agreement that allows both of you to live in peace. As you are aware, "stealing her son" is not a rational argument and it may force your husband to confront his mother, and reassure her that he loves her but that in order for his relationship with her to remain strong, she must accept you. She doesn't have to like you, just accept the fact that you are in his life. That may be all you get, but if you head off this issue early in your relationship, you will save yourself a lifetime of heartache. Sadly ignoring problems rarely make them go away. Hope that helps.
Donna,
My best suggestion is to treat your mother-in-law as if you didn't know this information. Greet her with love, always be cordial, be as nice as you can be, while still being yourself. I think it is your husbands job to set her straight. As long as you guys can get a long, there is nothing that says she has to love you, as long as she doesn't treat you like she hates you. If you start treating her differently because of this information then that will only feed the stress between you. If you start withholding time with her grandchild (once it is here) then that will only feed her reason for hating you. She won't see it as her own fault for her feelings towards you, she will see it as you took her son from her, now you are taking her grandchild from her. My suggestion is to do what it takes to get along with her, no matter her feelings towards you and maybe one day she will turn around. If she starts treating you badly or in a hateful way, then that is the time for your husband, her son, to step up and say something. If you say something then again you are feeding her reason for hating you. It is time for her son to man up and let her know how things are.
First let me say that I am sorry that you have to deal with this difficult situation. Obviously your mother in law has some issues. First I would talk to your husband and tell him all your concerns and see what he thinks. It is VERY important that once a couple is married that they put each other first (above any parents or inlaws). Once you have his complete support I would go to her as a couple and tell her what your concerns are and ask what you can do to improve the relationship. I would also ask her if she would consider couseling with you and your husband. I think you need to show her that you want to work things out. If she does not repond then it shows your husband that she is unwilling to work on things and she cannot say that you and your husband have not tried to work things out with her. Also, pray alot about this. God can do things that we cannot even imagine with relationships! Good Luck!
Donna,
You mentioned that you and your husband "reunited". What were the circumstances of your first relationship and the break up? Was your mother in law involved in that or did she take sides?? Maybe thats why she "hates you". What you can do is to be polite when you are around her, but limit your time with her. Make your husband and your children your priority and create a happy home environment with and for them. Get involved in a good church and you will learn patience in dealing with someone like her. Also discuss it with your husband--if he observes his mother being ugly, he should respond with a warning, "Mom, don't go there." If she persists, you both should leave. Good luck!
Hi! I'm sorry you are going through this. I just wanted to tell you my experience. My husband (who was in the Air Force) and I met when he was stationed in Germany. He asked to be stationed in England next so we could get to know each other better (I'm English). In between assignments he went back home on leave and told his family how he had fallen in love. All seemed well. He proposed 10 days after we got together again, and we married 3 months later in England. Not one member of his family wanted to come, but we put it down to the expense etc. However, later we found out that his mother was really angry about the whole thing. She felt that he should have married someone from his hometown, someone that would "bring him home" when his AF service was over. There was so much bad feeling. She had promised her engagement ring to my husband when he got engaged, which of course didn't happen. She made a point to tell me she had it made into an earring for herself. Then there was the dinner service she had inherited and promised to my husband that she gave to Goodwill. It really began to get to us, but we were living in England, very short of money, and very inexperienced in this type of thing. Finally I decided to write her a letter. It was just a sort of introduction to me. I tried to be very nice, friendly, and I didn't mention any of the "bad" things. We have been married almost 20 years now, my husband is retired and we don't live anywhere near his family. We are so happy as a family, and while I may never be as close as I would like to my mother-in-law, at least we are friendly now, which makes for much easier family occasions.
I hope things work out for you, but whatever happens, put your husband and children first. I believe strongly in fate, and you guys were meant to be. If you are both happy, all the rest is just the frosting on the cake!
Donna,
sorry to hear about the mother in law situation. I just want to encourage you to pray for her heart to be changed. Until then set good boundaries. Limit your time with her(as well as your child), if she acts inappropriately have your husband let her know this will have consequences with your family spending time with her, do all of that lovingly. This will communicate that he loves his mom but that you guys are his priority. As a man he is supposed to leave his parents and cleave to his wife. You can't be responsible for how she responds or acts but you can be a good example and influence on how a loving and mature person responds to circumstances (you'll be an awesome influence to everyone who sees you walking through this). Family dynamics are tough, but they will always be family, so try to be the one without regrets for behaving poorly in those relationships.
Hope that situation turns around and that that relationship will become a blessing to you instead of a burden.