removed by renee
Oh, Renee. I so totally understand where you're coming from. Three years ago, we brought my mother down from CO to live with us in San Antonio. It was grueling and finally after four (4) months, my husband and I decided we were not equipped to handled her psychologically or physically. We tried with in-home help from Professional Caretakers who are FABULOUS. They would be my first recommendation. But alas, the conflict between me, my mom and my husband became too much which is where you are now ... and understandably so. We placed Mom is an assisted living facility that also had an Alzheimer's unit if she progress into that direction ... which she did. After we moved her, all of my/our friends told me how surprised that I would take that load on and how glad they were that we move Mom ... for all of our sakes.
There are several good Alzheimer facilities in the San Antonio area. For your sake, Renee, and the sake of your little boy and your marriage, tell your husband that you cannot continue living like this. And if he cares anything about you and your son, he'll tell his mother to "wake up and smell the coffee", take responsibility and take care of her own mother !! I hope this helps, Renee. God bless for trying. Your heart is in the right place like mine. We're only human but we are not medical professionals.
Good luck !!
Renee,
In recent years, medical professionals have really turned their attention to health problems suffered by caregivers like yourself and with good reason. It is VERY difficult to care for a family member 24/7. It can almost be impossible. This is a discussion we have had in our family regarding an elderly family member and I will tell you the same thing I tell them. If your family member was in an assisted living situation or in a hospital, would the same nurse or assistant be with the family member 24 hours a day, 7 days a week or would that professional work a normal shift for a set period of days and then GET TIME OFF....yes, they work shifts and get time off because the body must have time to recuperate and rejuvinate. You need that as well Renee. It is often our nature as women to want to take on everything and care for everything because we feel as if we are not loving our family appropriately if we don't. What worries about me is that your marriage is now showing signs of strain, your son is showing signs that he needs your attention and you are exhibiting signs of caregiver burnout. If you end up in the hospital, who will take care of the grandmother and the rest of your immediate family? While I greatly admire you for wanting to do what is best (in your heart) for the grandmother, it is hard work being an Alzheimer pt. caregiver. You may want to look into assisted living facilities geared towards Alzheimer pts. I don't know your grandmother's insurance situation but there are many avenues out there. If you need more information, please feel free to write me about them.
Blessings,
Dawn
Hospice is an idea. Make a doctor's appointment - say with Dr Pepper - once a week and just sit if you want. Not at home of course because they will find you. You can leave. It will shift the load and they will complain but what is the worst that can happen? NIH has some guidelines for care givers. Good luck.
I am sorry to hear of your situation. It was wonderful of you to take on this responsibility. It think it is time for you to sit down with your husband and tell him that it is taking time away from your son and as this is the time when he need parental attention the most.
There are some really nice nursing homes but if that isn't really an option maybe hiring someone to come in one or two days a week to care for her. Or a few hours a day. That way you can get a break. I am watching my FIl care for my MIL, he was truly struggling until he got in home help. They would not let us help out because we are the "kids".
When we had to have someone to care for my grandma we used a company called Nurses in Touch. They were really great. http://www.nursesintouch.com/
Yes it is great to care for family members but with no one else helping out, especially her own daughter, it can become overwhelming. And you and your hubby need to have a strong marriage for your son, that is the most important thing.
I hope he listens and everyone steps up.
If you need an ear keep in touch.
Cheryl
I am thirty, too, with a little boy and I cannot imagine taking care of my husband's ailing grandmother! You are truly a selfless human being, and should definitely be given more credit and help, especially from your MIL. There are probably lots of complexities to the situation that I don't know about, but I've always thought it is the children's, not the grandchildren's responsibility to care for their parents. I think it's time for your husband to stick up for you with his parents.
Hi Renee I skimmed some of your responses and some I do agree with and some I don't. First off what is hard for me to understand is why if this is your husbands' grandmother…. A lady with HER mother still living and grandchildren living and in good health….. WHY are you caring for her? Is it because if a non-family member cares for her they can get paid for being a provider or is it because her family does not lover her enough to care for her… What ever the case is I do not see it to be right! I can understand if this was your grandmother and you loved her to pieces and you decided to take on this HUGE job but even at that one person can not do it alone. My father had a massive stroke and his whole right side was paralyzed. He was almost 300 lbs when this happened and my mother cared for him for almost a whole year. My mother and father have 5 children oldest being 32 and youngest is 5. There was no way that we (his children) would not help. We were there day in and day out with my mother helping her lift him, turn him, clean him, change him and anything else she needed help with. Now years later with all that help my father is able to walk and do some things on his own but still needs help and still till this day we are there to help my mother as much as we can. He does have a provider come in 3 days out of the week for a couple of hours and that does help my mother abundantly. My advice to you is First ask nicely for help, let the family know that you have a child that is 5 years old and like any child needs his loving mother from time to time. Inform them that your son, your family and your basic life has been put on hold to care for another…..(this does not make you a bad person). Once again go to them for help if they refuse the help then demand it but nicely. Try to set a schedule. If still that does not work then you might want to get outside help!!! You can not do it alone and your family does need you. You are young and still have a lot to accomplish with your life. Good luck and I hope this helped.
Tiffany
Sorry for being so long!!!
You need to put it to your husband straight and let him know that you need a lot more help than you are getting and that his grandmother needs more than you can give her. Especially if his mother only lives two doors down. I thought that you were going to say she lived in another state. It would be a little more understandable that way. You first priority is to your child and anything that you can give after him is fine but you shouldn't have to be her full time care taker. I am sure that it had got to be very hard and she is probably a very sweet woman and I am not saying to turn her out on her own but you need more from your husband and since it is his side of the family he needs to maybe find more options with help for you. I will definaely pray for you and you family and everyone goes through this situation. Trust me, I understand m-i-l's that say they will help and you get nothing. My husband moved to Texas two months before I did and his whole family (who only lived 30 minutes from me and my closest family member was over an hour) said they would help and in two months they came to the house twice. At the time I had a just turned 3 year old and a two month old daughter with colic. Please let me know how things are going and I am always here to listen. I know that it is nice to have people to talk to who are removed from the situation
Wow! I am overwhelmed as well and yet I don't have it as hard as you do. My hat's off to you. I know you don't want advice, but you need it. First, I would suggest that you ask your husband to take a day off sometime soon and stay home with her so that you could have some time off. Give him a schedule of what to do. You're not doing this to be ugly. YOU need a day off! He needs to understand or be reminded of how hard this is. Then, (sometime afterward) you need to tell him what you told us. He can't help you if he doesn't know. Believe me, they don't know and when they do, they forget. My husband has done this for me and then his attitude changes so much toward me. He soon forgets and then will be reminded again as soon as he gives me a day off. Third, you and he need to sacrifice financially somewhere to at LEAST get some help for 1 or 2 days a week or even every other week. Take 1 day for yourself - completely for yourself. Take the other day for your son, completely for your son. Consider taking another day when you can for your husband and you time, alone. You have to do this, even if it means eating beans and cornbread 3 times a week to afford it. There are reliable resources available. You would still be her main caretaker if that's is what you're wanting. But, you would also be getting a break. You're no good to anyone without some relief. Not many people can do what you're doing, and most of those cannot do it for too long. If you don't, you will blindside your husband when you snap! You will snap! And he won't have had a fair amount of time to understand what's going on. It's not fair to anyone, especially not you. You have to fill him in on how you're feeling. I did when I was especially overwhelmed and feeling like I was truly going to lose it. My husband, after a little while of the info sinking in, stepped in and got me help 1 day a week for awhile. It was amazing how I needed that one day. Talk to him and seek some help even if it is only part-time. We live in a society that has so many resources, there's no need to do this alone. It would be best if it were family sometimes, but that is not the society we live in anymore unfortunately. Get help!
MIL will be richly rewarded one day for all her "good" deeds.
Renee -
I just wanted you to know that I believe you are truly a Godsend to your family. I know this might not be a lot of help now, but later in retrospect you will understand. I was my grandmother's caregiver - had a lot of family help though. And I just completed taking care of my in-laws (they passed away in January within 5 days of each other) - not much family help at all. My husband was very supportive but I don't believe that unless you have been a caregiver, that you can understand not only the blessings but the extreme toil it takes on you. I am now contemplating taking care of my other grandmother. I am scared because I feel like each time I do this, I loose a bit of myself. You spend so much of yourself devoted to taking care of another that it becomes almost who you are, especially if you are doing it at home. You forget who you were before. But also, after spending some time in nursing homes, I wouldn't have had it any other way. You might think that your husband's grandmother might not understand what you are doing because of the alzheimer's but I believe she truly does. She just can't express it like what we would expect. I don't know if you have a relationship with Jesus, but I know it is what sustained me more times then I know - that and the words of wisdom some one gave me one time - "Just take it one minute at a time". Because you are giving so much of yourself to care for one of His - you will truly be blessed. Does this help with the anger, fatigue, frustration, emptiness, resentment, and lonliness. I'll be honest, it wasn't always helpful for me. But when I was able to reach down to the very foundation of His love for me, it was enough. I know that you were mainly venting, and I hope that my words haven't been too much or seemed too preachy. I will pray for you, your husband, your son (what a gift), your grandmother in law and even your mother in law. Bless you and what you are doing.
Melody
I cannot offer you any solutions. I can only sympathize with you. It is very difficult and physically/emotionally draining to be a care!
Renee,
I have a grandfather who is very ill. My grandmother is his fulltime caretaker. But she gets help from professionals as well. A nurse comes each day to bandage wounds and check on them. And someone else comes just to bathe him. Have you looked into getting professional help? I know that my other grandmother also gets help even though someone is lives with her. She has a nurse ... I believe it's a nurse's aid who comes and just sits with her, cooks lunch, bathes her, etc. She is usually there for about 4 hours each day. Don't ask me which organization they get this care from but I can find out if you'd like. I think your husband's grandma would qualify for this type of assistance since you are not a professional. Talk with her doctor. In regards to your MIL ... just know in your heart you are doing what is right. God will work on your MIL in her heart and deal with her. But He is looking down on you seeing that you are doing right.
Hope this helps.
Hi
Have you tried to get some help from a home health agency.
They can send some one to help care for the elderly while you get some breathing time. Also the health care agencies offer classes or stress relievers for the care taker.
Casa Linda Home Health or Life Span HH
Best of Luck and God Bless you and your little one, I am sure he is Precious.
you are a saint! i don't understand how you got this responsibility....this is something you shouldn't be bearing at this age, it should be his parents! if they are not willing to care for her, you should discuss having her cared for in a nursing home or have his family pay for a live in nurse.
Hi Renee, I would like to help you out , let me know what part of town you live in ? If you are near my house maybe I could go over to help you out a little , If you don't mind a little help ,I would be more than glad to give you a hand ,I complete understand what you are going through , and guess what , there is someone who appreciates all that you are doing , and he is looking at you right now ,and he is giving you a helping hand , you just can see him ,he is God , wither you feel it our not , he is giving you strength to endure what you are going through . You sound like a very caring person , and you will be rewarded in one way or another . Maybe not today , but you'll see God wants us to be loving to children and to the elderly , and you are doing just that , I know that it could be overwhelming at times . Just look at it as if someone would be caring for you or your parents when you get older ,you would want to be care for in the way you care for the person you are helping at this moment .. I could give you ideas or ways to make certain things easier , I don't claim to have all the answers , but any suggestions might help , I am a caregiver for an elderly lady myself , and I have done this for some time and believe me ,it is the most rewarding feeling I get is when I have help some one who needs me and if I can make that persons life a little easier , thats all the thanks I need . I am not saying that I don't tired because I do get tired , but every morning that I get up my thoughts are with this lady that is depending on me to get her through the day ,that neither her or I know if it will be her last day here. I know that your son needs you too , but do you know that your child is learning from you to be compassionate and patience so he will learn from you to be loving and caring too . As for the other person that only spends a few minutes with her own mother , she will envy you when her mom's leaves this world for a better place , because she'll feel that she didn't spend more time with her mom after she gone like you did . So don't worry you are where you should be right now ..... Email me if I could be of any help to you , and thank you for all that you have done for someone who is depending on you at this time , and always tell your child thank you for helping me by never complaining and as soon as you can you will spend some more time with him , but seriously I would like to give you a hand and I am not going to charge you or anything I just want you to know that I know how you feel at this time .... hang in there ,you'll see it will all pay off for you ..... God Bless You and Your family , my email address is [email protected] . If you just want to talk give me line okay ...... God Loves You.......
Thank you all for your responses. I needed to reach out when I wrote that. Hearing back from you all has helped be in itself.