Here is my question. I come from a family of 6...I have 3 siblings. We are all married and have children of our own. We decided about 10 years ago that for the Christmas holiday, we all wanted to be together. To be fair to each of our in-laws. My parents suggested that we rotate and spend every other year at the in-laws and that way, every other year, our whole family can be together for Chrismas. So on odd years, my siblings and I all spend Christmas with our parents and on even years, we spend Christmas with our spouse's parents. While my parents spend Christmas alone every other day (our spouse's parents are out of town, so it's not possible to combine) my parents are fine with this as it is more important to them to have our whole family together every other year. I know...confusing, but I hope it makes sense. So here is the issue, with the exception of my in-laws...all of my siblings in-laws are still married (impressive I think)...so for them, the rotation works well as they have every other year as well. Well, my in-laws do not think this is fair. They think we should rotate every third year instead. Obviously this throws off the whole plan for my side of the family. My thought is that when you divorce, as my husband's mother and father have, that you have to divide things...so they have to divide their every-other-year however they see fit. The other issue is that they often don't make plans and don't get their family together anyway, so it seems crazy to me when we have a set plan, that we need to adjust for their plans that may or may not happen. I feel bad when they make comments to me about "Oh, I didn't know if YOUR family made plans or not"...or "I don't see why you get to set the schedule". My husband is OK with the arrangement, it's just his mother and step-mother that seem to have an issue with it. I'm fine as long as my husband and I are in sync...but I wonder if I am being unfair. My family time is so important to me and I really don't want to miss it during important times like the holidays. So what would you do? I don't want to be mean, but I am starting to resent the comments that are being made about me and my family.
We have had to explain to both sets of family that once my husband and I had kids, that our "family" now consists of the four of us, and the grandparents, aunts & uncles are now extended family. We get to decide which extended family we spend holidays with, and sometimes we just stay home to have a holiday at home as well. I don't want my kids growing up never having a holiday at home...
You might try suggesting (if you want to take this on) that every other year, your husband's entire family comes to your house instead, so that they all get equal time. If they're not willing to be all together, then it's not your fault! :) Stick to your tradition if your hubby is on board, and if they're making snarky comments, have your husband explain to them that this is the decision that the two of you have made for your family, and that they're just going to have to deal with it and appreciate that you're making the effort to come see them!
Thats a tough one. We also do the every-other-year schedule with our families, and it's working fine (if we spend Thanksgiving with my family, then we spend Christmas with the in-laws, and the next year we switch it). If your families live close enough for Christmas Day travel, you could consider Christmas Eve (and morning?) with one set and then Christmas afternoon/evening with another set. Or simply say, "This is what we're doing this year and I really hope you'll be able to join us for X or Y" or "We'll be at our house on Christmas Eve and we want to host you. Please come." If your MIL and step MIL are older and traveling is difficult for them, then I realize this won't help you very much. Good luck!
Diana,
It sounds to me like you guys have a wonderful compromise worked out that your two MIL's don't like for whatever reason. Everyone else seems to be on board and accepting. Since it's your husband's side of the family I would ask him to step up and say that their griping is annoying, irritating, and that they need to get over it because it works for everyone else but them. And that you would like the snide comments to cease and desist.
Okay, that sounds a little confrontational, but that's me. Maybe y'all can come up with something a little more tactful. :)
Hope this helps,
Melissa
PS This sounds like my family situation. We usually do Thanksgiving with my family, day after with my in-laws, then Christmas or Christmas Eve with my in-laws and the other day with my family; or some such. This may change this year because most of my family has moved out of town. Thankfully my in-laws are wonderfully understanding people that only ask for one holiday.
Ya, it's the guilt comments that they try to pull. You have a great system as we do the same. If there are three homes to visit because of a divorce, two of the homes have to split the day. Breakfast at moms, dinner at step moms. They have to know this isn't easy for you all. It's hard to spend all day Christmas traveling from place to place. Keep it the way it is.
Diana,
I think what you have going is fair or is about as fair as it's going to get! I think your father's parents (both sets) should make their way over to the grown up side of life and put their differences aside and both come to the celebration when its your husbands side's turn. It seems if both MIL agree that the current situation isn't fair to them you should point that out that they both agree on this issue and its a start at working together on a compromise. I would also explain how COMPLETELY unfair it is to everyone else and everyone elses other side that the schedule be altered to fit them. The jist is that your MILS and FILS dont want to be together for the holidays, right?...I think it is an unreasonable request! NOW...with that being said...I happen to cherish the at home Christmas just the kids and us so you could always float the idea to your siblings about a 3 yr. rotation. 1 yr. your side, 2nd yr. his side, 3rd yr everyone does your own thing! If your husbands sets of parents refuse to spend their yr together you could always offer to spend X-mas Eve morning with Mom & step dad and X-mas EVE evening with Dad & step mom...IF you wanted to that is...That way you could still have every 3rd X-mas morning just you, your husband and your kids! Sounds good to me!!
WOW! That was exhausting! Sadly I am in the same boat as you now and wil be when our oldest have kids seing how I am part of one set of parents to my older two boys!
Karma
Hi, Diana!
Why do some people insist on making the holidays a stressful time instead of a time to enjoy family and celebrate?
This sounds A LOT like my family. My husband and I also have 3 different sets of parents we have to share holidays with. We decided that our family consists of my husband, me, and our boys and we do what WE want to do for the holidays.
Of course we would love to see everyone, but that's not always possible and sometimes we just don't want to stop what we're doing and leave for someone else's house.
I think the every other year thing you have going sounds wonderful! If it works for YOUR family, then continue it. Don't let others determine how YOU are going to spend YOUR holiday.
If you don't like their comments (we also go through THIS too!), then tell them. The best way to stop rude remarks is by being honest.
I guess all I'm trying to say is, don't feel guilty! You're doing what works best for you! Good for you!
- Amy
P.S. we lived away from home the first 4 1/2 years of our marriage and we spent every holiday season wishing we were "home" with "family . . . but now that we're back "home", we spend the holiday season wishing we were away and on our own! :-) Funny how that works!
It is your family and you are the ones to decide how to spend your holidays. Let your in lows decide how to share theirs X-mas turn. Stick to your plans, they are fair and work for you. I have a pretty good idea what you can tell your in lows but than I'm afraid that you won't have to deal with them at all for quite few X-mas ;-) Good luck!
I think you are an amazing, fair, and kind person who is being picked at by ungrateful in-laws who want to have THIER cake --regardless of the cost to you--. You have a system that works pretty well- and unless you and your husband want to do something different -- don't---
( I've good kids - 37--32=== and 26 -- and boy do I count my blessings!!)
Judy
You need to do what works for your family in your house not the parents, in-laws, siblings.
I also come from a family of 6 and we are older, live in 3 different states, and have kids ranging from 5 to 35 so it is hard for all of us to get together on a day that we aren't working or at an in-laws or step-parents house (there is yours, mine, and ours). Oh and my in-laws live in 2 different states on the east coast. Anyway, we decided to have the Christmas with my parents and siblings during the summer as a camping trip, that way we don't have to travel in the crappy weather over mountain passes or through the Columbia River Gorge, we can get great summer/outside toys for the kids, and Christmas is a weekend long instead of a few days so we can really get good visiting time in since this is somethimes the only time we get to see each other. Who knows, maybe your family would like something like that, you could be together every year and then you can keep on the every other year rotation between your husbands parents or something.
That is a smart thing to do for Christmas. No matter what Christmas is always a stressful time for any one. I think that is only fair to switch years with your family and your husband's family. I would suggest if your husband's family is in the same town to do Christmas eve at one parents and then Christmas day at the other parents house. Holidays for my husband and myself has been stressful and our families live in the same town but we have decided to spend Thanksgiving with my husband's family because his siblings who live out of town come home for Thanksgiving. Then forhristmas we spend Christmas Day dinner at my parents. For Christmas eve we spend it at our own house because we live 90 miles away and want our kids to wake up in their house. This has been an issue for some in my family but you have to do what works best for your own immediate family. You just can't please everyone and you have to look out for you and your children.
Hope you have a wonderful Christmas!
Susan
Hi Diana,
I know how you are feeling! My husband's parents were overseas for the last ten years, so we divided Christmas between my mom and my dad. Now that my dad has passed away, leaving my step-mom, and my husband's parents are home, we are facing the same thing. I think that whatever you and your husband decide what is best for YOUR family should be what you do. My husband and I talked and what happened last year is my mom hosted everyone on Christmas Eve, we spent Christmas at my husband's parents, and saw my step-mom the day after Christmas. Luckily, for last year, everyone was close by in terms of getting places, but that will not happen this year. We have decided that every other year, we are staying home and whoever wants to come and visit for Christmas is welcome. I want my boys to have time in their own home on Christmas!
Good luck!
Cynthia
You have an absolute right to make yourself and your little family happy. It sounds as if this became a problem after the divorce, but, honestly, whatever the circumstances, you are right to foster the family relationship that seems so positive for you.
When I married, my own family turned their backs on us, and only seek what little contact they do now because I have two little kids. My husband's mother is WONDERFUL, yet his other siblings are not close at all, to him or to each other, making family get-togethers less than fabulous. You are so LUCKY to have a close family, and yet I think the complaints from his side may be more of a need for control or preference. Perhaps your obvious closeness to your family makes them feel second-rate--but they cannot give you the same thing you get from your own family...so I would keep those ties as strong as you can. Hopefully the pressure will lessen soon.
Diana,
I am with you on this arrangement. It is fair and by the way did you or your husband ask that his parents divorce?! I am in the same situation, oldest of four and my husband is the youngest of three an his parents have been divorced for 20 yeras. We are the only ones on his side that have kids, so we get pressure every year to go to Oregon to see his Dad, two years ago we were going to see him and then my Mother in law (she lives near the OR border and is a wonderful person). Anyway, my husbands brothers were going to my father in laws and myself and my oldest son got the stomach flu, needless say we didn't make it down for Christmas. On the evening we were supposed to be having dinner at my father in laws he proceeded to call and tell me how I missed the best prime rib dinner! This is after he gave my husband the guilt trip for two days. Who cares about prime rib when they have been getting sick!
Anyway, my family live 25 minutes from us, my siblings have kids, Christmas eve is a blast we have a pot luck and somtimes Santa comes to see the kids. So there is no way I am missing Christmas with my family every year! Plus,a few years back my youngest sister moved to Virginia and she only come every other year. This year she and her husband will be here with their new baby. Last night my father in law called and asked about the holidays and my husband said we were spending it with my family, but we are open for Thanksgiving. So we may be havig Turkey at th coast. If I had my choice we would spend Thanksgiving with his family ever year and Christmas with mine every year. I do have to say that my husband said he would rather not travel a Christmas and likes to be home.
Last year I planned a wonderful Thanksgiving here and had it all with my husbands family so they knew we would not be there for Christmas. But, then the guilt set in and my husband said we would come after Christmas and it never happened, due to weather.
Sorry for the long story, but I wanted you to know you are not the only one in this boat. Your plan sounds like it works great, on the off years for your in laws, they should go on a trip or spend it with friends. You can't change your plans for other people.
Hope this helps!?
Diana,
Do your in-laws live near each other? We do the same thing in our family and our situation is very similar! We are the only ones with divorced in-laws. Since they live in the same town, we have found that it works well to visit the father-in-law on Christmas Eve and the mother-in-law on Christmas day. This is the same set up they had for their kids after the divorce. To be honest, we havent' done that for many years now. My husband would rather be home for Christmas so we now stay home on 'his' year. He invites his family but so far no one has come (his family doesn't make plans to see eachother either).
Hope this gives you some ideas!
Kelly
I can relate to your situation. My parents are still married (almost 50 years) and my husband's parents are divorced and remarried. So there are 3 sets of grandparents. They all live near each other (we are out of state), so when we visit, we divide the time. I set the schedule, which gives my parents almost half of the time, and his parents each get a little more than a quarter of the time each. (It's usually about a 2 week trip). As I see it, my parent should not be punished for still being married to each other. They deserve half of the time. And I deserve to spend half the time with my family. Why should my side be penalized? As you said, when people divorce they should expect that they will lose out on situations like this: holidays, birthdays, vacations. That's the result of divorce.
Don't be afraid to stand up for your parents and yourself by kindly explaining to your in-laws that your parents deserve half of the holidays, and they deserve the other half.
Good Luck.
I think that with having such a big family that you need to have some kind of schedule or plan in place. I do not think that you are being unfair, it makes perfect sense. My husband and I were having the same problems with my family (which is not as impressive as yours, I only have one brother who is not married) but he very strong on spending Christmas with family, so now my husband and I hose Christmas every year and have both families over to our place. I know that is not an option for you and your families.
All I can say is that if your husband is ok with the arrangement then he should talk to his parents and make them understand why this arrangement is in place.
Good luck, and Happy Holidays :)
Kayla A.
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. But I do have a few suggestions that may help ease things... if you haven't already thought of them. 1, have a get together for the "odd man out" that year, which you host, the weekend before or the weekend after the holiday. This way everyone gets to see your family. 2, spend Thanksgiving with one of your inlaws and Christmas with the other, and rotate it each year. 3, Tell them they can all meet at your house... or another mutual place... and sacrafice that one day/year so that everyone can be together EVERY year.
4, You could spend Christmas eve with one and Christmas day with the other, every other year.
If it were me, I would write these out as three options and send to each of them for a "vote", just so that you're not "setting the schedule". From my understanding, even rotating every three years isn't going to change anything for your inlaws!
I think that the years that you are not with your family (I think the even years)you can spend it with his family, But on those even years you can switch back and forth between Christmas Eve and Christmas. So odd year is with your entire family, even year you would see dad-in-law Christmas Eve and mom-in-law on Christmas. And then the next even year dad-in-law would be Christmas day and mom-in-law would have Christmas Eve.
Or, you could be with both in-laws on Christmas, but just a different times. Have morning breakfast at dads and Christmas dinner at moms.
I know you said that the in-law live out of town. Do they live out of town in the same city? If not then they would have to rotate as you suggested.
It doesn't sound like they can get along, so your way may be the only way. Good Luck.
I think you do what works for your family. If it hurts feelings, then you explain it again, in a graceful way, but you cannot control how they will respond. And it's okay! If they want to spend more time with your family...tell them to do it during the year! It doesn't have to be Christmas to spend quality time! I think you have a good system, and should stick with it, no matter who divorces or complains! Maybe one day soon, you will all be able to get together under one roof and enjoy each other...but for now, you do what you can with what you are given:-)