How often do you in-laws (DH's mom, dad, sister, brother) check up on your kids? My in-laws live in another state but none of them call or email to see how my son is doing. One of my SIL's just had another baby and I know for a fact that my MIL calls to see how my SIL's kids are doing. She goes to visit them once a week too. But my MIL or either of my SIL's call or email to see how my son is doing. It really upsets me and doesn't seem to upset my DH. We fight about it a lot. He won't confront them about it either and I don't know them well enough to ask them.
I am assuming you send your in laws, MIL and SIL updates about your son each week? Or does your husband do this?
Unless you make an effort to keep them in the loop, do not expect them to check up on their own. They may think they are bothering you if you and your husband are not sending them updates on your own... Be sure to let them know you would love for them to visit once a week and to make weekly phone calls. That being said...
My MIL and SIL are exactly the same.. They never checked up on our daughter. I sent photos, emails and made all of the phone calls. We live only a few miles from each other.
When SIL had her boys, my MIL was all over them, helping, taking her own photos etc.. My husband and I had many conversations.... but it never changed.. He and his mother even went to counseling about it and when the counselor asked why she did not check on our daughter, MIL said "mothers are just closer to their daughters children." The Counselor said, "No, actually that is YOUR choice." So it never changed.
Last year at about this time, after 18 years of what I considered snubbing of our daughter from them, I told my husband and my daughter, I would no longer be the informant. If they wanted to visit that part of the family, I gave my blessings.. I also informed MIL and SIL, if they wanted to know how my daughter was doing, they could contact her through her cell phone, which was still the same number she had since she was 15 or through her email which was the original email since she was in 3rd grade.. I did not include it in my email so that they would have to ask my husband what that information was.. Of course, I had given it to them for years and years.
My husband and I have been together since we were in middle school.. more than 30 years ago and they have always been this way. I finally realized, when you marry into my family, you are family... My cousins are my husbands cousins. My mom and dad are my husband's mom and dad.... In his family, I am his wife and my daughters mother, not really Family.. I have not missed them 1 second this whole year, I have not once regretted my decision. It hurts my husbands feelings, but I told him I love him too much to be treated so poorly by his family. I have given them more than 30 years of my spirit, he can give me a few years, to heal my hurt heart.
I hope you have better luck. I know they love my daughter and are proud of her, They just have a different way of showing it...Just be as much of a communicator as you can, so they will realize you do want to be part of your lives.
Hi Kimberly-
I know it may seem strange to you, but every family is different. My husband's family is really, really close...in my opinion they are suffocatingly close!! My family on the other hand is not. I speak to my parents every other week or so and to my siblings very rarely. It's not that we don't get along or don't care about each other but we just don't call. This was so hard for my husband to get used to. He thought my family just didn't care about us or the kids and he thought it was just the worst thing imagineable that they weren't calling every other day like his mom and sister do. Meanwhile I would ask him what in the world has changed in the last 48 hours that they have to call again??
My brother and his wife and 2 kids live about 25 minutes away from my mother and I know that she sees them or talks to them at least once a week. She is closer with them because she is able to babysit regularly and have dinners with them. It's natural that she will have a stronger bond with those grandkids because she is there to see them grow up.
Anyway I just wanted to let you know that it just might be the way your MIL is and it's not any indication of how she feels about you or your children. As the previous poster said, if you want her to be more involved in your life and the life of your kids then you need to be the one to include her in your lives. Send her a weekly update of what is going on with your child and invite her to come visit more often.
Good luck,
Karen
My advice is this, first of all, don't ever fight with your husband about the in-laws! You will come into financial, kids, work and other kinds of trouble on your own that you will fight about, that fighting about his family is a waiste! You keep contact with them, send school photos and christmas photos etc and leave it at that. Don't expect anything from them and you won't be disappointed. Some families are just like that, when your kids grow up they will decide for themselves if they'd like develope a relationship with that side of the family. I for one, don't like my husband's cousins, they were raised like siblings, but I just don't get them, their sense of humor, their traditions etc. We don't jive. I keep my distance from them. They still send pic of the kids at christmas and stuff. I send pics of our family and leave it at that. But I will not under any circumstance have a disagreement with my husband about them! I will agree to what ever my husband says, then I will conviently forget to call or go over or send a gift etc... hope this helps.
My MIL has NEVER called to check on my kids. She has seen my son twice (for this first time, when he was 14 months old). We offered over and over to pay for her to fly out and visit when both of our kids were born. She has seen my daughter once. I can still count on both hands the number of times I have been around my MIL. She is just not interested or keeps up with the news from my SIL, who I talk to about every 7-10 days. She lives close to my SIL and is over at their house a lot and keeps her 2 kids a lot.
I think my SIL and I would be very close friends if we lived closer...but we live states away.
I look at it as a blessing of sorts...I don't have to worry about what she thinks, or take advice from her, or really deal with any in-law problems. It is very liberating actually to have one less relative telling me what to do and how to do it.
My DH and his mom are just not close at all...she burned so many bridges with him. It is sad but it is not my problem...I can't force his relatives to have a relationship with us. And honestly I don't want to...it is a huge can of worms that I do not want to open.
My advice is to leave it alone...send them updates and emails, photos, etc. But don't push your husband if it doesn't bother him. He may like not talking to his mother. Hugs!!
My mother calls several times a week to talk to DD. My in-laws have never called. -We call them.
Men have very different relationships with thier mothers and your in-laws may not want it to appear that they are "checking up" on you. They are most likely trying to respect your space and boundries.
I would make a proactive campain to communicate with the in-laws. Take it as a complement that they do not call. this also means that they do not worry that you two can take care of the kids on your own.
My sister also will not talk on the phone with my DD. It upsets her to hear her and not be able to see, or hug her. It is very upsetting to my sister, so we avoid it or keep it short. This could be the issue also if yyou are out of town.
Good luck.
My mom calls and wants to know about the kids all the time. My MIL rarely does, and I rarely talk to her. Why do you care? I am being sincere. Mothers have different relationships with their sons and daughters. Try not to let it bother you and don't fight with your hubby about it. It took my MIL a long time to accept me and she would make boderline rude comments to me. If you confront them what would that accomplish? They would either keep more of a distance to you or feel obligated to talk to you, and do you want to make someone talk to you. I e-mail pics of the kids sometimes but I am not putting any effort in especially since my hubby doesn't seem to care and its his own mother.
My parents are out of sight out of mind type people. And although I know they think of us, it takes a force of nature to get them to actually get them to make contact with the children, then they feel guilty about it.
My inlaws live down the street and see the kids daily.
I usually call my folks on the kids birthday and they enjoy talking with them and singing happy birthday. My husband rolls his eyes, but I just know that's life.
The kids love their grandparents and the grandparents love them...their relationship is going to be different than our relationship with our own parents.
The best you can do is encourage the children to write and send pictures. Call them every once in awhile and call your son to the phone...he won't care who placed the call.
If you're fighting with your husband about it, then your anger is misplaced. While I usually recommend that the spouse deals with his/her own set of parents, if it bugs you that much (and it is a major disappointment...though if you put it in terms of comparing with the SIL's visits it sounds a little like jealousy) you should have a talk with them to encourage them to phone, write, email more...you miss them. :)
I have the same problem with my ex-husband's family. They don't check on my girls hardly at all. They just want them around holidays or birthdays. My girls are closer to my parents and my parents live two hours away while my girls' grandmother from their dad's side, lives 15 minutes away. I don't get upset over it anymore because I look at it as it's their loss. My girls are awesome and their dad's family misses out on a lot. Their dad only calls a few times a year just when he comes into town. It's a sad situation for my girls, but griping about it never made it better. My advice to you is just to let it go and don't let it come between you and your husband. Good luck & God bless!
Mine never check-in or call not even when my 10 yr old (5 at the time) daughter begged her to phone. It really confused me and I found it quite hurtful especially since my mom passed in 2002 and now she's the only grandma my girls have.
I have to say that when my hubby (MIL's first born child) was in a head on collission with a semi (and lived to tell) I began to see my in-laws with a new perspective. Because they still didn't call to check on their son who nearly died twice, out of work for 8 months and TONS of P/T, they never checked on him. To this day I DO NOT understand this but have come to understand people are different. I was raised in a family that believed we're all in this together, one for all and all for one type philosophy. My hubby was raised with the attitude, your on your own.
So, since I want my kiddos to have a relationship with their grandparents I initiate everything: phone calls, visits, etc. I do it for my kids so their lives are better for being involved. I've chosen to let my in-laws be who they are whether I agree with it or not. And when my kids have asked questions, I do not speak for my in-laws. I have my girls call their grandparents and ask them all the questions directly. I let the grown adults speak for themselves. I have never tried to explain them to my kiddos.
I hope this helps.
Carolyn H,
(40 yr old, married 12 yrs with 2 girls)
Laura (below) had a good way of explaining my family's situation: "out of sight, out of mind." My hubby's family calls about once a week. My family might call three days in a row if something big is going on, but then I might not hear from them for a month or more. I think a lot of it is how you are raised, how close you are, and what's going on for everyone at the time.
You just have to learn that these people, even though they are your husband's and son's family, are not going to change the way they are. They may "know" you are a good mom and they don't have to worry about the baby (which is the excuse my MIL used). They may just be thoughtless and inconsiderate. Don't be hurt by it, its just a waste of time. It took me 8 years to accept that this is just the way my husband's family is (thoughtless and self-centered), and there is never going to be any changing THEM. You can only change the way you deal with them. Don't beg them to pay attention to your son, because it won't do any good. YOU send them emails and updates, keep it light and about your son, and you will know you have done your part. I know it hurts, because I have literally been there with my son. When I stopped being hurt and angry and realized my son didn't know any different and wasn't affected by it, I felt like a weight had been lifted.
As far as your husband is concerned, if he isn't hurt by it, let it go. Chances are, your husband knows exactly how his family is.
Good luck.
Perhaps you seem unapproachable? I would start calling them more. My inlaws out of state or town call once a month or less. Usually its a holiday before we get together.
Do you call your inlaws at all? Maybe you need to make the first move and let them in on how their son's family is doing...that might just break the ice...I am on my third marriage and my first inlaws did nothing until I remarried then they wanted into their granddaughter's life. But they cared about both of my children, after that..now they very rarely have anything to do with their first grandchild and they are greatgrandparents at least 8 times over, not being able to speak for the rest of their family.
But I would make the first move..it doesn't hurt to try. Who knows maybe they will come around..Did something happen between their son and themselves to the point where they are mad at him for something. Some parents are like that..my son-in-laws mother has nothing to do with his family unless it is the holidays and she has a 16 yr. old granddaughter whom she threatened to take away from my daughter when she turned 10 (why I don't know) and a 4 yr. old grandson, whom she hasn't since he was 4 mos. old. Go figure...I moved 4 hrs. away from them, after being in my girls and my grandchildrens life for 35 yrs. and it kills me to not be with them..so they come here to my house for the summer and for spring break. Needless to say I am the only grandma that the youngest one really knows. Their other granny wanted her 5 mins. of fame in the form of a family pic when her grandson was a baby and that was the last time she has seen them.
Try making the first move and hopefully that will work. You gotta start somewhere...Good Luck and HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY..YOU DEFINITELY DESERVE IT...
Mine live in the subdivision next to us so we see them at least a couple of times a week and they are checking up on us more than that. But my mom lives in the same neighborhood so we see her frequently as well. Our children are also the only grandkids for both sides of the family so that's has something to do with it I am sure.
Hi Kimberly,
You've received some great advice already! I noticed you posted re: communicating with them as well as this one re: your son. It appears as if you have actively tried to communicate with them and share your family updates. In my opinion, you have actively tried to extend the highly reveered olive branch. Kudos to you for taking the initiative. However, as many have said, everyone is different and have different opinions of "quality family communications".
Did you have a close knit extended family? What about your husband? I ask because I am from a VERY close knit family and we get together atleast once a month as a whole from great grandparents to great grandbabies ~ about 35 - 50 of us!! So, I had expectations that it would be the same when I got married.
However, my husband's family is completely different, smaller, and more widespread. His only family are his dad, grandmother, and uncle. He may speak to them every 6 to 8 weeks and holidays. Growing up so different, he finds our family get togethers very uncomfortable. I had to learn to accept these differences and find a compromise we could both live with.
He'll go to one major event each year (Thanksgiving or Christmas) and the remainder I attend without him. We've just learned to respect each others personal comfort levels and not allow it to become an issue between us. I commend your efforts and desire to create that bond with extended family!
Maybe your MIL has the best of intentions, but she is trying to respect your privacy, not smother you, and relies on your husband as her source of information. As for the SIL, if she is your MIL's daughter she has had many years to form a relationship. If she married into the family, being closer (same state) and being a member of the family longer (if that's the case)has allowed them to bond.
Your situation is different. You're in another state and haven't had the same opportunity to connect with one another. As you mentioned, "I don't know them well enough to ask them." Your MIL may feel the same and again relies on her son.
Ultimately, I would advise you do what you feel comfortable with. If you feel comfortable calling once a week and emailing updates, I would continue to do so. A word of caution, if it's going to upset you or create problems for you and your husband if/when they don't respond then I would let it go. You've made numerous concerted efforts to connect. Avoid the emotional drain their lack of response create. They are the ones who are missing out on the all the joy your precious little boy has to share. Maybe they'll come around in their own time and start wondering what happened to all the great pics and updates you were sending. If they do, make sure you're comfortable opening that door again.
In the meantime, focus on your family and friends who actively participate to create the positive, close, loving environment to fill your family's lives!! It's far more rewarding!! I wish you and yours the best! Have a very blessed Mother's Day!!
Julie Finley
Helping Moms Work From Home
http://www.4MeAndMom.com
Ours don't just call to check up ever. They love them and love to hear how they are doing when we call but don't take that initiative themselves. I don't see it as anything being wrong. I see it as my responsibility as a parent to let the grandparents know what is going on, invite them over, etc. We send pictures, call them with good news, let them know what the sports schedule is, etc. Their response is up to them. Please don't let this be a marriage issue.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, my In Laws are the same. But, I actually am happy for it b/c we do not have alot in common and spend alot of time with my family. Hope that you can get peace with this, and find things that may be positive about the situation.
Hi Kimberly,
I know how you must be feeling, but maybe there is a good reason why your MIL spends more time with the other dil- maybe she knows what a good mother you are and maybe the other dil needs more attention in the care of her children ..... I would not put too much thought into it as it will just drag you down- just know that she loves your child as much as the others ...............
good luck and blessings
Hi Kimberly,
Do your in-laws have access to the internet? If so you might want to consider starting a blog and invite them to visit it and make comments. Blogs are free and a fun way to keep in-touch with relatives that live far away. Check out either Blogger.com or Wordpress.com Also, if your in-laws have email you can let them know when you've made a new post. At least that will help you to feel they are aware of what's happening with your child.