I wish my husband would quit smoking

Family & Parenting Marriage & Relationships
1

Hi there! I've been married to my husband for over 5 years and prior to ever getting married he's been promising to quit smoking. "I promise I'll quit before we get married, I promise I'll quit before you get pregnant, I promise I'll quit the day you tell me you're pregnant, I promise I'll quit the day our baby is born," etc...ugh. I hate this habit as, but don't know what to do about it. I know that he has to want to quit in order to be successful, but I'm at the end of my rope. His continued broken promises are something that I feel obligated to forgive as we're otherwise a happy couple and fighting over this issue gets us nowhere. I'm just over it - we have a daughter now and his health is something that no longer just affects the two of us.

Anyone have any suggestions on how to either let go and accept or how to get him to finally see the light? We talk about it and he knows he needs to quit, but he just says he loves smoking too much.

2

Get him a prescription for Chantix. It really works. I had tried everything to quit smoking and it worked for me and made it very easy to quit. If your insurance doesn;t cover it (and most don't), it's pretty expensive, but if it works, the cost will be more than worth it.

3

Oh I hope he takes the chantix!! About 3 to 4 days into it, he'll start to complain that they taste and smell funny! My hubby and I stopped smoking before we even made it to our quite date because of it!

It's a hard habit to break and it is way easier to say you'll stop than it is, I've been there! My hubby and both smoked so in order for us to break the habit, it had to be both of us at the same time. We did Zyban, the gum, the patch and nothing helped. Until Chantix ccame out on the market. It is expenxive but I do believe the cost has come down some since it first came out back in 2007. But it is worth every penny!! DH and I didn't even finish the 6 week program and we have been smoke free since Oct 2007!! Don't get me wrong, the thoguh still pops into my head from time to time when I'm doing something that I used to smoke during, but it is gone just as fast as it came. A friend of mine, her hubby quiet using it too. As far as side effects, my hubby had none and I had to take it with food and I would have dreams that I was back home driving in the car! lol

What your hubby "loves" about smoking is the feeing it gives him, the fullness after eating, the wake up with the cup of coffee in the AM, the relaxing after sex, etc. It's not the cigeratte he loves, it's the hold that it has on him. He needs to realize his triggers-on the phone, in the car, first wakes up in the AM, after a meal, stress, etc and then he can take inventory on himself of how often he really smokes and how it affects himself, you and his child. Talk about how much $$ is spent on ciggs and what you could put it towards instead. Ours goes to a 30ft camper so we can do fun family things together, we are planning our second trip to Disney with it in the fall!

Talk to him about Chantix. If either one of you have questions, please feel free to ask!
Good luck
Sharie

4

My husband use to smoke and he quit twice before he stop all together When he smoke was because he was tense and nervous I do not think that nagging is going to help the situation at all Your husband will quit when he is ready

5

in addition what the other ladies said.
I'd make it very difficult for him to smoke, no smoking in the house, no smoking around the baby, make him shower and change clothes before he olds the baby, etc , also add up how much he spends on cigarettes a month. In this economy all that money being spent on cigs could be spent on saving for babies college or a vacation or a couple of dinners out. They cost a lot these days. And They are looking at raising the fed tax on them to over 1$ a pack.
http://www.healthstatus.com/calculate/smc

6

To be a bit cynical, ask him what he loves more....You & your daughter or the cigarettes? That could get him to think for a moment.

I am a former smoker. I was smoking up until the weekend I found out I was pregnant. I remember having a cigarette at work on that Friday and it was hurting me to smoke it. I may have had another over the weekend until I took a pregnancy test, as we were trying to rule pregnancy out. When my tests (I took 3!!) showed positive, I stopped. When it was confirmed at the doctor's office that Monday, I threw away what cigarettes I had left. That's all I needed. I know some people can't quit that easily, but that's my story.

You are right in stating this has to be his wish & want in order for him to be successful. Maybe as a starter, have him smoke outside so he can see how inconvenient it is. I don't know what more to say other than I wish you the best. Now that I've been "clean" for nearly 3 years, I can't stand to be around cigarette smoke. I can smell one burning from pretty far away, even in passing cars down a road!!

Good luck to your family!

7

I cannot condone the behavior...my husband smokes...outside. I am sick of it, he stopped for a year and our wonderful friends that smoke during that time were told he wasn't smoking...they'd offer "oh, do you want a smoke?" I'd like to say this you cannot hang out with smokers, you cannot go around places or friends that smoke. He and you may even have to give up old friends for life. It's like alcohol you cannot go around a bar or friends or family that drink if you want to quit, same goes for smoking can't go around those folks if you want to quit. After one yr he broke and smokes it's been 2 yrs of fighting to stop again. Makes it harder if he's in a business that lets him smoke like construction...etc..

My husband is trying he's wearing a patch now and after being a smoker of almost 3 packs a day for years he sometimes at this point smokes with it on, yes and even his lung dr said with the amt of nicotine he was used to it happens. My husband had the experience of his lung dr telling him you have COPD we see something on your lung it could be cancer.....well it changed him finally he's serious again. We gave up some friends that smoke he cannot go around them and it's fine with me I'm sick of their smoking as well. We have some friends that smoke that we run into which that's no problem it's when you go out with theses people that's the problem they have to light up, it makes him want one. I've come to the point now that I tell people Bill is trying to stop smoking if you have to light up then we cannot see you, sorry. Don't care if we have no friends I'll have a husband that's alive to see his kids become adults is all I want.

I'd say a trip to the dr for help...everyone is different he also needs support, maybe even a antidepressant..he needs to go to the dr and see what help he can get. Your insurance may offer some programs there's online support check out the american cancer society website....arm your self with information and tell he you don't want it to be too late, like alcohol and drugs this effects all of you if he dies or his health becomes bad.....it's effected my family when my husband gets sick now it's worse then if it was someone that didn't smoke or have COPD, he misses work it effects are income...he wanted to be a parent (my husband) we agreed and we have children I told his it's up to him in all fairness to stay as well as he can to take care of them! This like anything else will be an on going battle for life. And it doesn't matter his age he too can get COPD, cancer....illness knows no age. My best wishes to you I hope he is able to stop.

8

My husband is the same. He jokes that he comes from a family of tobacco worms. He smokes outside but gives me guilt trips about how he has to o out in the rain or cold and has offered to start chewing tobacco instead but that turns my stomache. Anytime I say somthing about his health he points out the people in his family that have lived well into thier eghties with no problems and says you can get cancer from eating icecream anymore. Its going to take a serious illness to get him to stop smoking and by that time it may be too late, but I cant get him to stop unless he wants to stop.

9

I think you already know the answer to some degree. You can't make him quit, but you can make your relationship miserable...just don't. Unless he smokes around you and the children it may not be a battle worth fighting with frontal attacks.

It sounds as though he's very clear on your thoughts and feelings about his choice to continue. You can't be his conscience or his tobacco monitor. Stop trying to convince cajole and pressure. Let it go and begin praying everyday for him to gain the wisdom and strength to make his health and his family a priority over his smoking. Pehaps after a few weeks even tell him you realize that the problem is bigger than he is and that you've purposely stopped bringing it up any more, but that you have begun praying for him to find the strength to give it up. Let him know that you know that you trust him and believe in his ability to do whatever he needs to do to ensure a long healthy future together. Then pray for him and wait.

10

I know how you feel. My hubby has been saying that for 13 years. He still smokes. He has tried to cut down but he goes right back. He has to want to do it and that's all there is to it. My hubby uses the excuse that he is too stressed to quit or that I nag at him and he needs a smoke to calm down. Of course there is the peer pressure of everyone else still smoking. I finally told him to do whatever. I'm taking care of myself and our children. But I still hope one day he will wake up. You can't force someone to quit. They have to want it. Good luck.

11

I hope the Chantix works for him. I am a smoker, trying to quit. I live alone, kids are grown and gone, and it is the hardest thing in this world to do because it is an addiction, not just a habit. I think the fact that it is a habit AND an addiction combined is what makes it so very difficult to quit. I can tell you though that I smoke much much less when visiting my kids and grandkids because I don't smoke around them and having to go outside and away from them to smoke makes me smoke very little while there, plus the smell of it is more repulsive to me then. So keep up the restrictions and glad you filled the Chantix, I hear that will help and I plan to get some myself. Do not nag or try to control him. Be a helpmate, not a substitute mother to him. your job is not to control him, but to help him by encouraging him and making it easier for him to quit. Nagging him will only make it harder for him to quit. There is such a thing as considerate smokers and your husband is one of them, evidenced by his washing up, going outside to smoke, etc., so he is obviously trying to comply with your desires. Just don't nag him, though.

12

there are so many ways to quit nowadays, including hypnotism. i have an uncle who smoked for years and years, but finally was worried about his health after his mom died of emphysema. he was hypnotized, and no longer even wants to smoke. if it could work on him, it could work on anyone. it sounds weird, i know...but it took away the urge to smoke...so he doesn't even miss it. worth looking into. good luck

13

I work as a pharmacy technician and have seen a lot of people do very, very well with Chantix. That said, if he isn't 100 percent on board and ready, don't bother. He has to want to stop or it's just a waste of money. So, first work on that -- perhaps counseling? -- or an intervention of sorts?

Good luck!!! I feel your pain. I would be at my wits end and vacillating between fury, frustration, self-doubt, back to fury...

14

Is he aware that recent research shows that even residue from smoking that sticks to your clothes, hair and household items is probably enough to cause cancer in children and pets in the household? If he really loves his daughter (and you) he'll quit so that she won't suffer from cancer in her later life. Its a tough habit to kick. My sister and brother-in-law recently quit when they were pregnant with their first baby. Its a constant struggle for them to not go back because they work in a restaurant where everyone smokes. Has he considered talking to a doctor about helpful medications to quit? There are some great new ones available to help people quit! Good luck, and don't give up. However, don't hinge your happiness on his quitting or ask him to commit to it again since you know he'll say yes but possibly won't follow through. A happy marriage and family is more important than a non-smoking husband in the long run.

15

Cravings -- including smoking -- are usually driven by the person's automatic reaction to avoid old, stuck emotion -- which was first "stuck" before birth, during birth and early childhood. We do not come into this world as blank slates. We ALL have recurring patterns of "how life is" -- similar to the "glass half full" or "glass half empty" instinctive attitudes. For smoking, I find that most people are triggered into grabbing a cigarette when they feel -- and must avoid -- frustration or hurt. The subconscious reaction is SO FAST, that their much slower conscious mind usually doesn't even connect what happened with the craving for the cigarette. The smoking is a crutch to avoid the subconscious "danger" of feeling the stuck emotion. I'll suggest that you help make it safe for your husband to move the energy of emotion on a regular basis. Teach him how to journal his feelings -- to go and hit balls to move the energy of frustration or rage -- to dig, run, chop wood, yell at a ball game -- anything to move the energy of emotion "on purpose" for the sake of stress reduction. I call this using Emotional Rest Rooms. It would be a good idea to teach your children the same thing. Bad emotions are those that are stuffed. Emotion needs to be moved in a way that is safe for you and others.

16

I'm sorry you are going through that. It IS a nasty habit. Both of my parents smoked for over 30 years. My mother eventually quit. My father took a few years longer. She tried to get him to quit for a very long time and was unsuccessful. He wasn't a very considerate smoker. He'd smoke inside right in front of her and us. It's gross. The paint on the walls was yellow, the pictures hanging in the house were yellow. Anyway, my father finally quit. The hardest part for him was the habit of holding something in his hand and in his mouth. So, consider getting your husband something to chew on so that he gets that oral fixation he's accustomed to having---tooth picks, straws, gum, etc. He will crave something hanging out of his mouth while he tries to quit.

Oh, and by the way, looking back on it, I used to smell like a mushroom cloud of smoke just by living under their roof. I never realized it until I moved away and didn't live near smokers. People probably thought I was a closet smoker with my clothes, coats, purses all stinking like a pack of Marlboros. Yuck!

Thankfully, my husband hates smoke as bad as I do.

Good luck. If my parents can quit after 30 years (without medical intervention or drugs), your husband can too.

17

Hi Heather. I hope the Chantix works, but my mom-in-law tried that and went right back to smoking a few months later. If he does continue smoking, I would advise you to just give up the arguing over this issue. Sounds like he's trying his best to respect your feelings by going outside, washing up, and staying away from the baby. Like you said, everyone has bad habits. No amount of nagging, cajoling, bribing, etc you do will make him stop. In fact, that will probably make him want to smoke more. So for your own sake, let it go and hope he decides on his own to quit.

I also had to add that 3rd hand smoke has never been shown to even exist. That's a load of crap.

18

My husband finally quit smoking when I started looking into life insurance policies. The cost for him was $50 a month if he didn't smoke and $350 a month if he did smoke. I think it finally let him see how dangerous it was. The insurance company has tests that can show if you have smoked for one year. He is almost at that point so we can get the cheap insurance. Hope it helps. Also there are lots of products that really do help.

19

i know you've gotten lots of responses, but i'm going to add to it anyways :)

just a couple words to begin: GET OFF IT, GIRL!!! ok, now that that's out, lets go forward.

i wonder - you said that 'otherwise we are a happy family'. so, what is it about his smoking? it's not really about his health. many many many people live to ripe old ages smoking their whole lives. that may be the public version of why you want him to quit, but if i'd have my best guess, i'd bet that it's your 'litmus test' as to how much he REALLY loves you. so, it's completely about how much control you have. if he is a good husband, doensn't carouse around, doens't drink, is good to your children and you, supports you as a good husband should, i suggest you leave him alone. quit the nagging (YES, IT'S NAGGING!!), quit filling his prescriptions, quit making appointments for 'us'. just quit. quit with the control. admit that you do not have total control over anyone but yourself. if you don't you just might find yourself a single mom w/ your children visiting their dad.

your husband sounds like such a sweet accomodating giving man that he's telling you that he'll 'do it for you', but he's also told you that he loves it too much. it's a horribly hard thing to give up. my sister, who is medically fragile, also smokes even to the detriment of her health, but she also loves it and cannot/will not quit. she's tried, even quit for a year, but the urge is just too great. she also has 2 kids, and even for them she can't/hasn't quit. and she KNOWS how it's detrimental to her health.

so , i suggest you just get off it. leave him alone. if you want a happy loving marriage, just admit that he's got this one thing that is HIS. stinks, but leave it to him. i mean geeze, he smokes and comes in a cleans up afterwards. how much more do you want from him? ask for too much and it'll come back to bite you. people have to have control over their own lives or their going to resent the controller. if you browbeat him into eternity, he may pay you back by finding someone that can love him as he is.

love him for what he gives you - which is a LOT, girl. many many ladies out there would give their eye teeth for someone as sweet and accomodating as he is. i've found mine (who spends far too much time on the couch , but otherwise is a great guy), so you can see that there is NOBODY that is perfect.. if you demand perfection, no one can attain that level and will eventually quit trying.

good luck w/ 'your' problem ;) i think it's just that, not his.

20

I have smoked for a long time and I too dont do it in the house or around my child. I have stopped before but it was really hard. Right now I am just too stressed to stop, but I know when I did before, a big part of me being able to stop was the partner I was with at the time. They kept taking the cigarettes away or wouldnt let me go outside. I was highly annoyed and of course if you try to stop a smoker from smoking they will get REALLY irritated and cranky, but after a while I wasnt smoking and I felt good about it. Just keep being supportive and try to be understanding. Sometimes its about will power, but it really is an addiction too. I tried the patch, makes me sick, the pills- make me loopy and feel wierd and I dont like taking pills. Weening off works best. And theres going to be good and bad days, especially if you drink alcohol, so avoid that the first couple weeks...I tried a hypnotist too and that worked for a while and I felt good about it until someone physically put a cigarette in my mouth and made me smoke...