My son is 14, if you saw my other post, you will know that his grades have recently been dropping and he's always isolated in his room. At first I thought he had a girlfriend, and thats why he was being so reserved, but I caught him looking at shirtless men recently. Now, I don't know if boys do that just as a boy thing, but he also spends a suspiciously long amount of time on the phone with one of his close friends. Sometimes I overhear them subtly flirting. Again, I don't know if this is just a boy thing, but I seriously think he might be gay. He also has been dressing more feminine lately. I grew up very right wing and religious, and I'm not sure how to handle this. Any advice?
Just a side note, I know quite a few deeply religious people who are 100% accepting of the reality that some people love others of the same sex, identify as both male and female or other than their birth gender, and so on. So you don’t have to choose between being a person of faith and being a supportive parent. The basic question is do you want your son to be happy and become a well-adjusted young adult with the tools to live a good life? If so, you need to help him get through this phase of isolating and doing poorly in school, and a family counselor (suggested by RN L) could help.
That said, it sounds like you could use the support of a counselor to help you sort through these things. For example, you seem to think that being gay and dressing feminine are the same thing. They’re not, and a counselor could help you get clearer about the meaning of what you are seeing or think you are seeing.
If your son is gay, then my previous advice regarding establishing a strong connection would be even more important. Especially if you have remained in a “right wing and religious” community. Your son will need your support.
As Anne L. states, there are many deeply religious people who have not bought into the homophobia of today’s right wing. There are also many who are politically conservative who have supported their loved ones regardless of sexual orientation. I would suggest finding a more progressive counselor who shares your religious faith to help you with this journey.
Also, as Anne L. states, dressing feminine is different than being gay, and can have different meanings, so don’t read too much into it. I’ve noticed young people, both heterosexual and homosexual, to be regularly dressing in ways that are not following what we might consider gender norms. This doesn’t seem related to sexual orientation or preferences, but more a pushing back in youth culture on what they feel are too narrow definitions of gender. Personally, I see this as a healthy development, even when it gives me pause as the older woman I am.
You tell your kid you love him no matter what and do your best to overcome how you were raised.
I understand that this can be a difficult subject, especially because of how you’ve been raised. However, you need to take inventory on what’s more important, your son or your values. Whether or not he’s gay, he needs to know you support him and love him no matter what he identifies as.