I need good advice regarding a family wedding issue.

Family & Parenting Extended Family
1

Dear Moms:

Thanks for your perspective and please bear with me as I try to retell this situation:

Background: My (husband's) 30-something nephew is getting married in one year. Her parents are providing them with the wedding of her dreams, in a high-end location, black tie, and no one under 21 invited. They state they are working on decreasing their guest list from 240 to 160. They said they don't want guests leaving early with their underage kids and disrupt the flow of the wedding, thus his two underage (12 & 15) first cousins are not invited.

The problem: The groom's mother is my husband's sister; there are four sibs in total and none but us live in Chicago. This is the first wedding since my husband and I got married 12 years ago and because everyone lives out of town the cousins only see each other at such events. All first cousins of the bride and groom are 21 and older and invited except for the 12 (my daughter) and 15 y.o.(out of town) girls. The bride's family is paying for the wedding and the groom's divorced parents are not in a position to co-host the wedding. They offered to pay for the overage. So they apparently have no say and my husband's sister is extremely upset as it is her family's practice to invite children of immediate family. The bride and groom are aware of the hurt feelings of the mother of the groom and her preference to include these two first cousins. The groom told us some weeks ago that he wanted all of his first cousins present but apparently his bride-to-be nixed the idea.

Dilemma: This wedding is at the zoo, so there is no hotel and the older kids are not even invited to witness the ceremony. Because no one lives in Chicago but us and we must all usually travel to events, my sixth grader seldom sees family unless there is an event such as this and there are no extra funds to stage a separate family reunion. Our brother-in-law will not make the trip if his 14 y.o. daughter is left off of the invitation, so all cousins will be occupied with wedding festivities.

Decision: We live 45 minutes from the event. To us the ceremony is a special experience. Do we take our children to the ceremony (I don't even know if they would be welcome) and then head home or pay for an eight hour babysitter and attend the wedding and reception? I know this is a personal decision and the bride and groom make the rules, but knowing that does not make the hurt go away that we can not celebrate this occasion as a family event where my daughter sees her out of town relatives and can bond with everyone.

Please no more general comments about unruly kids disrupting an adult event and you have to draw the line somewhere. We are talking about 20 out of 22 first cousins being invited on both sides and two well behaved young ladies not because of their official age, not because of their behavior. This situation came up when we planned our wedding and we ended up inviting several charming 10 y.o. girls who were closely related and parents travelled to be there.

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond!

Barb

2

Hi Barb,

last year i was excluded from a wedding that my boyfriend was invited to because the couple said they needed to limit the people and would do this by only inviting all the cousins with their spouses if they had met the spouses before. So that seemed acceptable. But when my boyfriend got to the wedding and there were lots of spouses that they hadn't met before. Actually, the difference became 3 people. My boyfriend counted and started asking around because he was really sad that close family would do this over 3 people. So my boyfriend felt like he was treated unfairly. As it seems that your family has made a strict cut-off and is sticking to it I think that is great because then all feel that there was a rule and that is how they planned it. I think you should go and enjoy a good Date-Night out with your husband. I understand that it feels a bit weird that your kids can't go but maybe it can be fun to do the dinner and dance with your hubby and just look at it that way. I am sorry your husband's sister doesn't have more pull. It is great that she does want to include everyone. If you choose to not go, then it could be a bit sad for your husband's sister because there would be a void of those people on her side.
Whatever you choose, good luck and I hope there is peace in the family after the wedding.

V

3

So sorry to hear that you have this decision to make but you will have to.

I know why more and more people are starting to have all adult receptions because they are not really always family friendly. They are let get together get drunk and rowdy kind of events and that is not place for children. We went to a reception once where the bride was so out of it she lifted her dress up and flashed her guests. Some Dj's can play some objectional music.

When my husband and I got married 25 years ago, we got married outside and had a great family reception with a live band. That does not happen anymore. No one could afford to hire a live band.

When it comes to food for a wedding it can be very expensive and if it is a sit down dinner the paying party may not want to pay adult prices for a child.

Finally you say you have wonderfully behaved children and that is probably 100% true but if your children get invited what do they tell the families that have the children who can't sit still or cause disruptions?

My thought on the matter is I would go to the wedding and then head home. I would stop off for your own dinner, since you are already all dressed up why not stop.
Don't get mad at the family, it is there choice to make and as far as gifts are concerned you do not need to give them money just because they would prefer it. I have real problems with people saying we would prefer cash or a gift. Let us buy our own items. Well if they want to buy an item, here is a gift card.

Good Luck on this decision.
Sigrid

4

I don't think I'd be comfortable with the sitter idea, and the age parameters are not ones I would have set. Would it be possible for you to do the prenup dinner, attend the wedding together as a family, and/or host a celebration meal of your own (barbecue, restaurant etc.) where all are welcome? I also think maybe a gift card from you might be a nice idea, since they anticipate being so space-challenged. I hope this all works out.

5

Sorry for your dilema. I suggest going with your hubby & have a date night. If they dont want to budge then dont make a big deal out of it. Honestly the kids probably wouldnt have fun at a loud maybe obnoxious wedding were adults dont want to be prohibited because kids are around or worse not care that kids are around & really embarass you & your daughter. Try not to look at this as a family reunion but an adult only party. Since your brother in law has a kid maybe yours & his can stay together with a sitter & they can have a sleepover together, I bet they would forget about the wedding & have their own fun.

6

I would do whatever the couple in question want as it is their day not yours. So get the babysitter for the kids and enjoy a night out yourselves. Weddings can be the most amazing opportunity for family fighting and disagreements - avoid this and go with the flow. It is pretty common for people to want their weddings to be an adult affair and it can be tricky to have a cut off where you let some children go and say no to some others. If anyone is desiring a family get together with kids, then have a family event with kids - invite them to your place and have a holiday celebration, a fall barbeque, whatever. But don't get into any fight/hurt feelings over a couple's desire to have an adult wedding. Enjoy.

7

Hi Barb!
Wedding are very expensive and they are already working on cutting down the adult list to 160 so why would you think that children should be invited?? They are trying to keep it smaller and it is just not possible to invite the children. Enjoy the time with your husband. We had children at our wedding, but we didn't mind paying for them and we had the room. I understand that your children would love to go to a wedding, but this just isn't the time!

Linda

8

Dear Barb,

I understand your hurt feelings. As you say, you know its there wedding there plans. i would go have fun see your family. sometimes its very nice to get away with your husband, and have a nice time as a couple. you could rent a hotel room and meet family for breakfeast, or even a next day event for the whole family, all kids included. personally, my daughter got married last October. its very hard to maitain a list. there alway's cutting back. we had a ni kids reception. because of the sitting... we would have loved to invite everyone, but couldn't.. what people don't realize if u invite one child you have to invite the next. before you know it your paying 56.00 a plate with bar (or more) for a child. I wouldn't take it personal.

I hope you figure out a way to have a nice time.

Gods blessings to the couple. Weddings are so stressful, & Expensive.

Deb

9

I myself also like to include my child in most everything, but I also understand the importance of having 'alone' time with a boyfriend/husband. Your daughter will have plenty of weddings to attend over the next several years as she gets older and is asked to be in them and attend them -- her feelings won't stay hurt forever. As for you guys, a date night sounds very much in order...get a sitter, let the kids order pizza and rent their favorite movies and you and dad go to the wedding and have the time of your life. Good luck!

10

Easier said than done, but you are spending a lot of your energy on something that is still a year away. You can't change this so make the best of it--don't ruin your enjoyment of a family milestone by making it a bigger deal than it needs to be. Good luck!

11

We had a simliar event happen in June, but we had to travel to Fl! We respected their wishes and didn't bring the kids to the reception. We hired a babysitter and had a great time. It took a lot of planning and extra money, but I didn't want to be the one who rained on their parade. Ultimately, it is their day. Hopefully they one have one. Your teenagers will recover, but the relationship with the rest of your family may not. As soon as they have children, they will understand how hard that was for you to do. Good luck.

12

With the help of a close friend or family member on your side, maybe you could organize a slumber party or other special event for the cousins to have while you're at the reception. My sister and I once hosted a party for the little kids while the wedding reception was going on in another part of the hotel. Believe me, the kids we were with were much happier there than they would have been at the "adult reception" anyway.

13

Hi Barb,

If it really means that much to you and your family maybe you can offer to pay for your childrens' plates? That way your children will get to attend without adding financial burden to the brides' parents. Your children are old enough to behave so that should not be an issue.

14

We have been in this same boat with some very dear friends. Our decision, we had one girl at the time, was to go to the wedding ceremony and dinner the night before. We did not attend the reception after the wedding. We felt that because she was always considered as part of the family, why should now be any different? We felt that we showed our support for the bride and groom and also respected the feelings of our daughter as well. We also felt we had done what was true to our hearts and stayed as a family.

15

Barb, Get a sitter and go to the wedding without the kids. It may be not just money as the issue with the family plannign the wedding. It may just be that they don't want the hassle of children. I love kids. But I am in the group that doesn't want children at a grown up function. And it sounds as if this family is putting together a grown up function. The previous poster who suggested having a sitter with all the family kids in a hotel room sounds fun. We did that down state one year. The hotel had movies so we got pizza and snacks and movies/video games and the kids had a lot more fun actually than the grown ups who had to sit thru a reception with very few people they knew. Let this be about the bride and groom. Take the kids to the other functions the prenuptial dinner etc and let it go.

16

Hi Barb,
I understand your situation, but I think your logical mind is telling you what to do...bring the kids to the ceremony (as long as they won't disturb anything) and get a babysitter for the reception. Go, have a good time and let the cousins have a good time with a babysitter...then the next day invite everyone over to your house for a cookout so everyone can see each other. That's what it's all about, not the wedding. Don't begrudge anyone of having to invite all these kids if they don't want to. It's their perogotive (sp?) to invite whatever age group they want, they are paying for it! Even though the bride and groom sound a bit entitled, that is not your problem, that 's their parent's problem.

Best of luck and make the most out of a tough situation. If it was that important that you all get together, start having a family reunion every three years. Don't make people feel bad because you haven't put forth the effort as a family to get together more often.

Best of luck to you, relax and have some fun. Life is too short.

17

All these hurt feelings and the wedding isn't happening for another year???? Yeesh. How is the guest list even public knowledge yet?

It sounds like your family is thinking only about themselves. Everyone is invited to 2 out of 3 events. You can all attend the prenup dinner and the ceremony. Great! Time for everyone to be with the couple and wish them well. The reception is very costly and they can invite whom ever they want.

I say quit making such a big deal about it. This is not your wedding. Have you even received a written invitation to anything? When the time comes, decide what is most comfortable for you and you kids and do that.

Don't get sucked into the drama. Just offer the new couple your love and support throughout their marriage. That's what's really important.

18

No one is trying to slight your children. When I got married, years ago, my husband and I made the decision not to invite ANY children to our wedding. It was a hard decision because I had quite a few nieces and nephews that I was very close to, but a few that were very obnoxious. All were invited to the actual wedding ceremony. Go figure, the "best man", (husband's brother who was divorced, with two ill-behaved children), and my husband's sister, who had two children, made our lives miserable by stirring up trouble and threatening to boycott my wedding. It caused a lot of strife. However, I couldn't, in good faith, invite some children, without inviting all. After two months of planning for a wedding 14 months away - eloping started to sound very appealing!

God bless my mom for having the brilliant sense to throw me a bridal shower and invite ALL my nieces and nephews - about 14, in all. The adult guests complained that the kids were" too loud"," always moving", "blocking everyone's view" and" always gathered around me". Children ranged in ages - 5 years to 14 years. I was vindicated! I enjoyed the kids and It put an end to the "child controversy!".

Flash to the wedding.... my brother-in-law got drunk and some of the other guests were wild and I was grateful that I had made the right decision in making it an adult fare. I had ONE guest who did not honor my request and brought her 12 year old son - a very nice boy, nonetheless, a child. This did not sit well with those who had children, however, I did not know, in advance, she would bring her son. I heard about this for a while.

So, my thought is, either suck it up and honor his request and don't take it personally, or don't go. It has nothing to do with "family coming first" and everything to do with making it fair, for all. You can even rent a hotel room and bring a babysitter with, overnight, so that your children can actually see the wedding service - the most important part of the day. The children may get invited to a Bridal Shower or may be included in festivities, associated with the wedding. Making this a huge issue, so early, takes away from the beauty of the event. It is WHAT it is and it is THEIR special day! Your reaction to their decision will have a lot to do with "how hurt" the children's "feelings" will be.

Good luck.

19

Hi mom this is a wedding it should be a happy moment in the family life but it's not. If it was me I would talk to the bride and groom they should have a little say so over their wedding. If not I would not go I do not know what's up with weddings and funerals its sad when family don't get it, this is a time of happiness. I was not invited to my niece's wedding nothing big they went to the city hall and they only wanted their mother's and father's and grandparents but what about auntie's I am like mother or the next best thing and I had been her mother when her mother was not able and this really hurt me to this day and they don't even know it. Because I think they just don't care. So to spare yourself of any pain just don't go Good Luck

20

Hard as it might be, this is really a day for the bride and groom and not so much for your daughter. I understand all of your points and it's unfortunate that it has to be one or the other, but it's still a day for your nephew and his bride first and foremost. I would hire a sitter for this one day -- she gets to come and join in the night before, right? - and let it go at that. Can she and other cousins who are not coming all be together with a sitter or 2? That would make it a fun kid night while you are off having a fun adult night. Is there a brunch that the family can get together at the next day or some sort of outing that can be planned? There are ways to make the weekend a family weekend, reserving the wedding/reception for adults only. And maybe it's time to make that Thanksgiving thing work again so you have another all-family venue on your terms to look forward to!