I desperately need advice. I am a working mom with a 10 month old son. Currently, I do all of the child care and domestic duties and I am really worn out. My day starts at 5:30am and ends at 11:30pm. I have been trying to get my husband to pitch in. He does spend time with our son playing and bonding - but disappears when it is feeding/changing/bathing/etc, or anything to do with all of the other chores (dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning....) I have tried asking (ok - pleading) for him to help, but I really think he is oblivious to the amount of work that is done on a daily basis. All other aspects of our marriage are great - it's just the domestic duties that are the problem. Any advice would be appreciated
Hello Donna,
There are a couple of solutions. The first and the best one I would say is that you quit working outside the home so that you can take care of son and home while husband takes care of financial stuff. This can be done through budgeting and downsizing. also it would be a wonderful gift to your son that you instead of day care or nanny would raise him, watch him take first steps etc.
It is just too difficult to juggle work outside of home and home at the same time.
Second suggestion would be to show your husband that some kind of joint effort is needed. Stop doing house work. take care of the kid when you get home. leave the dishes and the vacuuming. just let everything accumilate. When he sees the roaches or cannot find a clean glass or shirt, then he might just lift the finger. He might also just lift his wallet and order a maid. Hopefully after this, he would try to help. By the way when the baby needs a diaper change, just hand him over to daddy. when it is bath time, hand him over to daddy.
I hope one of these would work for you.
Try going 'on strike' for a few days--no laundry, no dishes, no meal prep except for the baby. Just like the garbage collectors in NYC going on strike--it won't take long for him to get the message. It worked for me for long stretches of time. Repeat as needed.
My suggestion that will help your situation is for you to quit working outside the home so that you can stay home to take care of your son and the housework while your husband works and provides for the family. Men are not really domestically inclined and that is why he is not feeding/changing the baby and cleaning the house. Women are domestically inclined and that is why you are doing it and not him. The balance is off here because you are trying to work outside the home, therfore, not having the time and energy to properly care for your child and the home without being overly stressed. I think that everything would be much more peasant at your home if you quit working and focused on taking care of the home and the baby, and letting your husband work, provide for the family and not requesting him to do the domestic duties. This can be easily accomplished by sitting down and deciding what extras and frivelous things that you can stop spending money on. You may need to downsize some things. Eliminate some of your unneccessary spending, clip coupons, find hand me downs for your child to wear, etc. It is all very simple if you will just try it. Besides, your son would be so much better off if he had his mommy at home with him to take care of him, kiss his boo boos, see his first steps, play with him, cuddle with him, teach him, etc. It would be best for all of you if you would cut back, stay at home and raise your child. You can take care of the baby and the home and your husband can go slay the dragons for you in the world of work. It will really restore the balance of responsibilities in the home, making everyone happier! Go pick up, "In Praise of Stay at Home Moms" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger and read it. It will really give you the motivation that you need to quit your job and decide that staying home is the best option for the 3 of you!
Donna,
I guess I'm really surprised by the responses you've gotten so far with stop working. I, myself, work outside the home, have a 3 year old son and currently 29 weeks pregnant. I'm a chiropractor with my own practice, so it does take some juggling, but definitely not impossible if you have the help at home. You waited a long time to have your bundle of joy, so I'm sure that for the majority of your adult life you've defined yourself as a working women. Husband's are capable of doing housework, they just need direction if they weren't taught by their parents to take care of a home. I was lucky to get a husband that was taught, but he still needs some direction once in a while. Pleading and nagging does no good, so we just sat down, made out a list of household duties and we got a plan together. It's solution oriented, what men want and it's in writing so they have a guide to go by. If that doesn't work, get a cleaning service in once per week. If he won't help, then find someone who will, simple as that. Don't give up a career that you love, it's part of who you are. I stayed home for 8 months when my son was born and although I loved and cherished our time together being a SAHM just didn't make my life complete. Although I have the advantage of bringing my baby to work with me and a fantastic mother-in-law to help as well, I really needed to nurture myself as well to be a better wife and mom. God Bless and Good luck!
I think the advice for you to quit working is really unrealistic. If you are like most of us out here, it takes 2 incomes.
I say stop doing all those wonderful things he takes for granted. WHy wear yourself out going to work and coming home to work? It isn't fair that he gets to sit on his rump while your working yourself to death. WHen he asks why tell him there is too much and your too tired to do it all anymore so it's going to have to wait.
Get a handle on him and everyone now.... My family wont do anything unless I start yelling at them... husband included...he says he didnt make the mess and he should not have to clean it.(yea right buddy, your spahgetti bowl dirtied itself).. so the kids say well dad wont clean so why should we... so i have stopped everything... the house is gross most the time and i have stopped cooking. It took years for me to get to that point. They complain because I wont cook for them and I tell them its because no one helps me and I refuse to get only a few hours sleep every day because they want to be lazy and have momma do it all.
When you can find 10 minutes of free time, make a list of ALL the family and household items that require time and energy to complete, i.e., laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, baby bathing, grass cutting, etc. When you have some time to sit with your husband and talk quietly about it, not begging, but on an adult level, divide the list. Once divided, do not do anything toward the items that are his responsibility. Eventually, when those items are not completed, he will catch on. No matter how long it takes, do not do his part of the chores.
My husband and I were married for 7 years before finally having a baby, and I went through the same thing. I finally hired the housework and yardwork done, which was hard for me because I was raised in a do-it-yourself family. It seemed so expensive to me at the time, but it was so well worth it. I could spend my time off reading to and playing with my baby instead of doing all the chores. They are only babies for such a short time.
The problem with husbands like this is that they view the house and chores as yours and not ours. It's like they are doing you a favor when they do a little work instead of viewing it like it's part of the job of being a father and homeowner. Best of luck.
I would find a girls day out and go for a long day. Leaving the child with him and not mostly a nap time. Find a friend you just need to get away and go. He needs to understand what a day with him is like. Maybe even over night to parents. Years ago my friend's hubby complained she was spending too much on groceries. So she sent him. He got all sorts of extras they never get like popsicles and stuff. He also found out what groceries cost. Ginger W
Whether you work outside the home or don't work at all it is reasonable to ask for help. And if you don't work on it now the problem will only get worse. I'd suggest to stop being so efficient! Leave spite and anger out of it. Sit down with him and make a list of chores. Divy them up. Be sure he gets chores that will affect him. Grocery shopping, preparing meals, laundry. If he doesn't do them let the consequences be his. For example you may want to do your own laundry and the baby's, but make him responsible for his clothes. That way if he doesn't do it - it will be his problem. Don't control his chores and don't criticize the way he chooses to accomplish them......just be happy it is off your plate. If this doesn't work hire help and let him be the one to write the check.
Best of Luck Donna. This may be an ongoing battle....do your best to keep it a friendly fight and do your best to let go of any desire for him to do these chores to your specifications.
I agree with many of the strategies suggested by the other moms except for the one who said you needed to quit your job. I DID quit my job when I had my now 8 year old son, and I work part-time now (I have another son now who is 19 months). It is not fair to push that particular antiquated lifestyle view on someone else when they do not know your particular situation.
Since you are older parents it is hard for everyone to make this adjustment to your pre-established lifestyle. And you could go on strike, but if you're like me you can't exist in a messy, dirty home, plus it is not safe for your son who is probably crawling and will be walking soon. I would honestly get a housekeeper to come once a week--she'll clean the bathrooms, kitchen, dust, mop, etc. I know it is an expense but with both of you working it is probably doable. I did this while I was in graduate school and teaching (before baby 2) and I would have given up just about anything, including cable or my cell phone, to have the cleaning lady come. Having the housekeeper also forces everyone to pick up their stuff since she can't clean when you have stuff everywhere.
Like others have said, you also just need to plain leave sometimes and let him run the show. Go exercise on Saturday morning for a couple of hours. Introduce him to these things one step at a time. My husband has always bathed the kids after dinner and he loves it. I can clean up after dinner while he does this without worrying about the kids. Give him a choice--bathe the baby and get him ready for bed OR clean the kitchen. You can fold clean laundry together in front of the TV after the baby is down.
Sorry this is so long. Good luck, and know you're not the only one out there in this situation.
You are probably right that he's just oblivious, not truly trying to skip out. I know my hubby always tells me to be direct. Don't expect him to see that it's time for the baby's bath, and don't expect him to pick up on "ok, honey, after I clean the kitchen I'll give you a bath..." and think he'll say "oh, I'll give the bath." You may just have to say to DH, "Honey, can you give the baby a bath while I clean the kitchen?" Or you can give a choice "do you want to clean the kitchen or give the baby a bath?" You can also tell him that you would have more time for him if he helped a bit, but then be specific on what he can help with. Finally, if you work and he works, maybe you should consider getting a maid for this time in your life. Even if it's just every other week, the extra help can do wonders for your since of accomplishment at home!
Donna,
There is a book someone recommended to me when I was dealing with this. "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" I believe it's by doctor Laura. I never read it because I'm not really her biggest fan, but I did follow the advice that my friend paraphrased and so far it's worked like a charm. You might want to check into the book, but here's what I have been doing.
Reward every small effort you can. You will probably feel like a moron, but it will work! If he brings in the mail and instead of leaving it in a pile, throws away the junk mail...thank him up and down. "Oh, honey...thank you so much for taking care of that for me. That's one less thing on my plate and it really helps a lot!" If his dirty socks end up on the dresser instead of the floor, "Thank you for not making me bend over. That's terrific" And let him hear you 'bragging' about him to your friends on the phone.
Before I started doing this, my husband expected me to bring his food to him in the living room and to take his empty dishes away when he was done. I was supposed to find all of his dirty clothes (which were in the oddest places) and get them clean, folded/hung and put away. Etc. etc. Now, 3 kids and 4 years later...he helps with dinner, cleans up the kitchen (loads and sometimes...though not usually...unloads the dishwasher!), vacuums and takes all three kids (all girls, 4, 3, 1) swimming, to the park, to the mall....etc. Now, I don't really need to tell my friends he's the best hubby ever...he really is!!!
Good luck Donna!
Michelle
I had similar issues with my husband. At first I would get upset because he wasn't helping and felt he should know what needed to be done. We had lots of arguments over this but I finally realized that he doesn't walk into a room and see what I see. So after many calm conversations, he started to pitch in more. He has certain things that are "his jobs" but I still have to ask him to do other things or it won't get done. The trick is to be specific and praise him for anything and everything he does. You can't say "will you help me clean the house today". That's too broad. You have to say "will you vacuum this room, can you fold this basket of clothes. etc." It's like I have another child sometimes but it works.
bless your heart. We went through kind of the same thing until I got sick and ended up going to the hospital, I'm sure from pure exhaustion. Sadly, I brought it on myself by not asking for help. Thought I could do it all; work, take care of the baby and home and everything else. You seriously need to sit down with him and ask for help before you end up at the ER, sister! Now, my husband gladly shares in the responsibilities. He starts laundry before he leaves for work in the mornings, takes out the trash, he has bill paying duty. In the evenings, he takes the baby when he gets home, they play, we have dinner. He gets her ready for bedtime and they have bonding time by reading books or watching some cartoons. My husband has told me on numerous occassions that he's glad he has this time with the little one. They have become much closer. We've also hired a house cleaner to come in every two weeks to kind of keep us in check with the house. I know this sounds expensive, but it truly saves my sanity and his. We've also started getting dinners from super suppers, saves tons of time with the cooking and easy clean-up. Hope this helps. We too were blessed with our first baby at 40+!
Simply stop doing everything. Do what you need to get by but no more. Don't make dinner. Have a sandwich. Only do yours and your sons laundry, don't do the dishes, etc. I will be hard for you and your house will look terrible but he will eventually he'll notice that things aren't as nice and tidy/ ready for him to eat/ wear etc. If he asks what's for dinner say "there is some pasta in the pantry, sandwich makings in the fridge, etc. Help yourself" I know it sounds passive aggressive but I truly believe that many husbands need to be SHOWN how much is done around the house by the wives not just TOLD because the words don't mean anything and can be tuned out. After you have his attention (which may take living in a messy house longer than you are comfortable with!) type up a list of everything you do on a daily basis and post it somewhere in the kitchen and then say "what 3 things do you think you could take responsibility for each day? I simply CAN'T do everything anymore." and see where it goes....Good Luck!!
As a working mom myself, I understand that your husband needs to pitch in where he can to ensure that you both are helping to run the household. It will make you a better mom and wife. I am lucky because my husband's philosphy is that if we are both working then we both need to help with the domestic duties. It would not be fair for me to do them while he sits and watches t.v. since we both work. However, this has been his philosphy since we were dating; he has always done the laundry and other chores without my asking. He just knows these things need to be done. However, I do the majority of stuff for the kids - baths, feeding, etc. I think it is because he feels more confident doing the other things - which is fine.
Now your situation is a bit different because you cannot change someone. However, you can have a heart-to-heart with him to explain how you are feeling. I think he doesn't see domestic work as a priority, I am sure. Or he would probably pitch in and do some things. Maybe you could ask him to pitch in with maybe 2 or 3 things of his choice - something that he would feel confident doing. Also, the biggest thing here is not to critize the way he does something. Almost, like a child - provide encouragement and reward :) That will keep him doing more so that he doesn't get discouraged. Does he mow the lawn or do outside work? My dad was this way - he would spend his weekends doing all of this outside work while my mom handled all of the domestic stuff.
1, recognize you don't need to do everything. It might be worth hiring a maid every 2 weeks to help you. What we did in my home was switch days to take care of our little girl. What that means is whoever's day it was, was the one who took care of our little girl. Diaper change, setting plate and feeding, and getting her to bed. The other was around yet 'had the night off' from those duties. Try that with him. It benefits him too since then he knows days when he's responsible. Another thing that's helped me (I got from another) is provide your husband a list of things you want him to do for the week. Never put too many on the list, but having a list and talking it through ensures he knows where he's needed and what he must do. You also know that likely you won't need to handle those things. I'd put trash takeout, vaccuum and fix X since that's always happening.
Good luck! Also, remember that likely more moms than less have the same thing going on too... they just haven't told you or they've worked through it.
Donna,
I have not read the numerous requests so I apologize if this is redundant. I have tried the "don't do everything" and men don't really work this way. Maybe taking a night away with girlfriends and he will see it naturally, but I would not manipulate the relationship. Men need DIRECT SPECIFIC communication. My husband asked me "what does me supporting you mean?" At the time, I did not really know. It changed from moment to moment because I was overloaded and just scrambling for help. I had to sit down, really evaluate what would be helpful on a consistent basis. Then we talked (in specifics) and he understood.
Set up a time to talk, maybe get a sitter and go to dinner. Express that this will have to change and you need his help in determining how that happens. He may step up, or he may pay for supports. If he is not responsive, your marriage will not be 'great' for long. Your needs should be the forefront for your husband and if he is not willing to help come up with a solution that is good for YOU....your marriage may not be as great as perceived. I would not waste time and would be going to counseling if a resolution is not met soon, because your marriage is worth it.Ironing out any expectations that have not been discussed openly is a benefit of counseling. I would have some statistics ready for him if he is a numbers guy (mine is). I had quotes on a housecleaning service twice a month, lawn service (that was falling on me last summer due to his work demands and I couldn't keep up), etc. I presented this info as well. He felt it was worth a housecleaning service and lawn care service so now I have that to help out. The day to day is still here, but not having to worry about the 'cleaning' part is a huge relief; not focusing on what I DID NOT get to each day.
For some reason, my husband does less and less around the house as he gets older. The things that have helped is:
1. Give him a heads up I am getting overwhelmed and need some help in getting caught up instead of hitting him as he enters the door. I will either tell him mid day that I need help as soon as he is home if it is something that can't wait or ask him if we could chip out some time on a Saturday. (warnings help him wrap his head around the fact he is about to have to help in some way)
2. Schedule a 'catch up day'(usually Saturday here) where he has the baby and you can focus on just the housework for a set amount of time. Don't look for perfection....for goodness sakes you have a baby....but usually I can knock out a lot without interruptions in 1-2 hours.
3. A timer works when my hubby does help. We set the kitchen timer for either 15, or 30 minutes (I loose him after 30 minutes usually) and we both hit the floor running (make a list of top priority things to be done first). It is amazing how fast we get things back in order. He does not feel trapped due to the timer and I get some quick help.
I am a Christian and I had to start praying that God would open his eyes and heart to being sensitive to my needs and the needs of our home. I do look at my work here as ministering to my family and doing it to honor God...this has reduced my complaining for sure....this perspective check has changed my heart as well. Depsite this, help is still needed and that is okay.
It is tough being mom and part provider...I honestly don't feel God intended for moms to wear so many hats. But we do and we have to take care of ourselves when no one else will. Don't compromise on that...I was in such a mental torment for a while before I learned how to better express the urgency of my needs to my husband. The stress and strain will tear you down. Things get easier with a lil' one but working full time and running a home is insane and I pray that you and your hubby can get a plan that works for both of you.
UPDATE: I also wanted to share that we alternate days we put our girls to bed. This helps because when he puts them to bed I put on the iPod and go for a walk around the neighborhood or whatever. He used to do the dishes the nights I put the girls down, but not so much anymore. Now, I do the dishes before the girls go down every night (so dinner and dishes are more hurried) and this helps me feel like I can relax a little once they are down. The girls love him putting them down and YES he bathes them if it falls on his night. Of course if he is overloaded sometimes we both do the routine, but it really opens up the evening for each of us to get some personal time while the other tuck the girls in.
I had the same problem recently, My husband asked why I was never interested in him anymore. I simply told him, I would be if he helped me out with house work more & taking care of the kids. If he didn't change something, then we were going to be changing something between us. What I mean by that is I would be leaving for a while. I saw no point in him staying there if I was already doing everything by myself, so I might as well live by myself.
I believe he got the hint because things have changed a lot. You might try something to that affect.