We have one child almost 2.5yrs old. It has been very difficult for me since his birth and I think its getting worst. The older he gets the more difficult motherhood becomes. I also work FT. It is very difficult to manage him by myself and I refuse to take him anywhere alone. He seems to be going through phases of screaming, crying and not listening to us. I have to resort to screaming or threatening him in order to listen to me. I contemplated spanking him as a punishment b/c "time-out" isn't working.
My experience so far has convinced me that I do not want another child because I would never want to go through this twice. I have constant feelings of guilt because I am very happy when my Mother takes him for the weekend or any opportunity when he is out of the house.
The worst part of my day is picking him up from day care because I am faced with an evening of crying, yelling and temper tantrums until his father comes home from work.
How do I deal with this? Tell me it gets better...I really need help!
My Mom and her first child was like that... from birth. I don't know why.
BUT... as that sibling grew up... she and my Mom had CONSTANT problems about getting along. A child, KNOWS when their parent does not "like" them... and it creates REAL big problems.
If you do not 'bond' with your child... that is the most basic thing... that will affect them... deeply.
My sibling even said "Mom does not like me..." and "I hate her..." and they had CONSTANT problems... (she was not an easy child to begin with), but it was just constant.
It is sad.
My Mom TRIED her darnedest... to 'bond' with this sibling and get along... but well, the bottom line is, there was no "like" between them.
Now in adulthood... they do get along... considering. But it took that MANY years... of conflict and anguish and issues....
My sibling, was not an easy baby at all... constant crying and fussying and she was VERY high-needs... and well, it just continued in various ways, all her life... and conflict with my Mom.
all the best,
Susan
I'm so sorry you're going through such a tough time. I think ages two -three can be difficult -especially with a strong willed child. I cant really give you helpful advice because I don't know how you are handling his screaming and not listening. When my daughter was a preschooler she was difficult and I was tired after getting home from work and didnt have the energy to deal well with her. IF we are not being consistent then we are making it worse. My favorite book for dealing with preschooler to age 5 is the Happiest Toddler on the Block. I read that religiously with my third child, used some not completely all of his techniques and he was very easy to deal with.
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I know this isn't funny but I chuckled bc I'd been thinking the same thing lately. Some women love the baby and toddler stage but I'm not one of them. It doesn't mean you don't really love your child more than anything in the world. My daughters are older now and yes, it does get easier, less frustrating and in my opinion, more interesting. But even though I really love them, I still just want to read my book so many evenings! I also work full time so have very little alone time. It sounds like your son is in a particularly tough stage too which of course makes it all worse. I'm sure it'll pass just like many of the good stages pass too. For instance, for awhile my daughters played together every evening so well I had nothing to do. That certainly passed. Now they fight all the time. So you're not alone, it'll get better in some ways and remind yourself that these years are not about you but you'll have plenty of them later in life. Just keep reminding yourself. Also, if he's good for everyone but you, he may need more of your attention for awhile. If he's difficult everywhere with everyone and if this doesn't pass, you may need to have him evaluated.
He's acting out b/c he senses you don't want him :( Please go to counseling and figure this out before it gets worse and your son is scarred for life.
I give you kudos for posting this question, it was brave of you to do so. But it is very important that you find out what is bothering you - it maybe postpartum depression that you didn't deal with when it began.
Some people are not meant to be parents, maybe you fit into this category, but now it is too late, you have a child. I agree, do not have another child, at least until you get this 'figured out'.
I hope you find peace and the love for your child that is meant to be...good luck to you. I am sending positive thoughts your way.
I think what you have discribed is simmilar to my son, and I think you may want to contact early childhood program in your area there may be an actual REASON to is actions, and I think you may still be suffering from possible post partum depression. These two things combined will destroy you one day if you do not address it now. GOOD ON YOU for seeing it, for reaching out even if it is on here... being a special needs mom takes a lot of work, and it takes you being safe and calm too ... easier said then done I KNOW oh boy do I know. But even if your son is not facing any outside challenges he feels your stress and possible post partum depression. I can tell you horror stories of two now teen girls who's mother never addressed her post pardom depression, so please seek out help TODAY.
Hi there Mary, I wish I could give you a solid answer but I can't. Children are hard. Nobody really tells you how hard they really can be at times. It's one thing if motherhood to you is just not fun and you don't like it but I sense that you love your son and he's just really overwhelming you with his behaviors. What I would suggest is some sort of family counseling. Maybe you can learn some coping skills and some things that you can do to make time with him more fun and rewarding. It sounds as if he's acting out for some reason, maybe he's sensing you are stressed an overwhelmed. Children are very perceptive little things and they absorb way more than we really can comprehend. When I'm crabby, my kids are crabby. It's a domino effect.
I always say that if I had my son first (he was last) that we probably wouldn't have had more :) I love my son but he's a challenge in everything we try to accomplish. I find that what he really craves is just some extra attention from me, it goes a long way. He may be all boy but he loves to snuggle his mama just like the girls do. Maybe some quality one on one time, in a quiet place would do you both some good.
I'm sorry to hear your sadness but I think with a little brainstorming you can really learn to love motherhood.
Deep breath mom - I am sure you are tired, stressed and feeling at wit's end but, honey, it is not your child's fault! He has hard days too and misses being with you and daddy and wants your love, attention and some play time. It is hard being a mom! And it is hard to find a balance in who you are, life, money, family and those mom duties but YOU CAN DO IT!!! Get out of yourself for a minute and try to see the world through those innocent, little eyes - get on the floor and play, laugh and work passed the crying and the tantrums. That baby loves you and needs you to, God would not have put you two together if HE did not know the gift in it! Your in the phase of Terrible Two's and there wll be another phase after that - takeit one day at a time, one moment at a time and don't think your self or self talk your self into believing your not cut out for it or you can't do it - ther has to be good times and it may be up to you to create them for you and your child, Sometimes, you have to just walk away from them or ignore thier behavior to regroup your self and those things are okay!!! Pat your self on the back for having the strength to reach out to all these great moms oon here! Reach out to those people in your life too, take time for YOU but lie I said, don't puch out the child - he is your heart and needs you so much! Being a little person is hard just like being a mom/grown up is!!! God Bless you and your child - Now go hug that baby!!
Hi Mary, I wonder if you may have undiagnosed depression. Child rearing is the hardest job in the world. You having a full time job on top of that is enough to make any woman feel overwhelmed. The best thing you can do to get his behavior under control is being consistent and not giving into the tantrums ever. You should speak to a professional therapist who can help you understand your frustration and possible resentment towards your son. Hang in there. Remember, children only repeat behavior that works for them. If he is screaming and crying it's because he knows eventually he will get his way, even if it's only 25% of the time, it's worth the shot as far as he is concerned. I tell this to parents who are struggling and their toddler is running the house... You are the adult, you set the rules, you are in charge. I believe spanking only teaches the child hitting is ok and will cause further behavioral issues. You can do this!!! :) You have what it takes to be a great mom but need some guidance. Best of Luck.
If you are the type that don't mind kids but didn't know they would be work, you're not alone. Or if you have a high needs child that tests your patience after 8hrs of more of work, you will lose it. You work full time and that can be stressful when you are coming home to a child you don't think you "know". After all the daycare seem to know his moods and stuff more than you, and then you are tired and have to deal with the after effect meltdowns. It's tough, but don't let it get you discouraged. Try to focus on making it fun for you and your child so that taking care of him doesn' t become a chore. Maybe after not seeing you all day he just wants your attention to play and hug, love, etc. Make sure you eat first to have the energy, take a bath if you must to refresh and then you may be better able to handle it. Hang in there, you're doing a great job already - you took care of him for 2.5yrs, you can do it for 25 :-))
I have three kids. Our daughter, my second child, is very trying. The new term for it is "spirited" child. There are days I can say - I love my child but I don't LIKE her sometimes. It will get better as she gets older and you can talk to her. I spank, but I DO NOT recommend spanking out of anger or frustration.
The 2-4 age is the hardest. Kids are hearing NO more often as their wants are no longer necessities. As a baby everything they want is stuff they need - food, diaper changes, sleep, love. As they get older they start to expand their wants to getting into things, snacks, toys, TV, etc. They don't understand why suddenly you won't give them everything they want. In addition, they don't have reasoning skills at that age. They get frustrated and throw tantrums. Their communication skills and reasoning isn't developed yet.
It will get better.
If you're having thoughts of harming your child out of frustration and feel like you don't love your child - you should consider counseling. This could be depression. If you have more "bad" days then good days.. please look into talking to a professional. It's for the best of your child and yourself.
OK -first of all it really DOES get better! Secondly, I think it would really help you to see a family therapist and talk out your feelings. A therapist can really help you find some solutions that you may find amazingly simple but just haven't thought of before.
One thing you must realize -at 2.5 this is how most kids act! They don't call them the terrible twos for nothing. You still have a few years when tantrums can erupt and listening will be an issue. It's TERRIBLY frustrating and something I've been dealing with concerning my oldest who is now 4.5 for the past 2 years. IT HAS GOTTEN BETTER THOUGH! It's not constant anymore, and we really seem to finally be getting somewhere.
Also, don't feel guilty. I feel a large amount of guilt coming through your post. Motherhood isn't anything like most people ever expect! I also think these people you hear (and see on this board) who just can't imagine spending one little second away from their kid or kids are either lying to feel some sort of smug self-assurance or not very bright. Most normal adults with half a brain REALLY want to get away from their kids sometime! They relish a weekend when the child goes to grandmas or a night out for adult time! With my oldest there have been so many times I was so relieved when he went to his grandmas for the night or the sitter arrived. And yes, I felt guilty for feeling that way, but we ARE entitled to our feelings and it doesn't mean we're selfish or bad mothers or anything else. At least we don't shove the feelings down until we completely snap one day like some of these moms do!
Does your husband help out as much as he should? Especially since you're both working outside of the home, this is imperative. He needs to be in on some of the family therapy too.
Believe me, I have had thoughts about not enjoying motherhood many a time in a frustrating moment --often when trying to get ready for work in the morning! I've also felt like I went back to work full time partially to get away from my oldest for a stretch every day! However, we really did need the money, and I DO love being with him most of the time and doing things with him and his little brother, but it's not been easy these last 2 1/2 years.
Don't worry about having any more kids. After this one gets older and you've had some counseling, you can re-visit the situation, but there's no law demanding you have more! There are many only children now. I'm an only child as well, and it's never bothered me. You should never have another child if you feel like you can't handle it.
Good luck! Go find a family counselor and try to stop and take some deep breaths. Don't feel guilty because it's HARD!
***It's also not the end of the world if you pop your kid's butt now and then! I only do it as a last resort or to really get their attention, but a few hard pops on the rear isn't the end of the world! HOWEVER, if ANYONE suggests you read and implement "To Raise Up A Child" run far far away! I suspect you're too smart for it, but it's truly an evil book written by a sadistic and awful religious nut that unfortunately some people seem to buy into.
I would STRONGLY encourage you to find an experienced older mom, one who's children come back and visit her frequently, to coach you on how to find your inner mom. For some, being a mom is very natural. For others (like you and me), it takes a lot of work. If you find such a mentor, have her observe you and your son together. Then, listen and do what she advises. For me, those mentors were my grandmothers.
SH is right about how deeply it will affect your son that you may not have bonded well with him. An experienced mentor mom may help you get control of the situation so you can learn to love the wonderful child your son wants to be.
I had a hard time bonding with my second child. I resented that he was sick all the time and required far more attention than my first son did. He was a constant challenge for me and it wore me out. I even started having fantasies about running away from it all, it was that bad! It wasn't until his first birthday that my paradigm shifted and I learned to love the amazing baby he was; the one I couldn't see for all my resentment. Today, my baby is almost 13 years old and we're so close. I can't imagine what life would be like today if I hadn't figured it all out.
Good luck. Don't give up on yourself or your son. You both need you to meet and overcome this challenge!
I think you need to consult your doctor to see if you are having some sort of depression. It also sounds like you could use some help in parenting techniques to help you deal with a child being a child because it sounds like your child picks up on your anxiety and then it makes matters worse because he gets upset, and you get upset...constant chaos. Seek out parenting classes and read all you can.
Mary, I can promise you that the lovely and affirming little book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish, will make a huge and positive difference in your life. It gives you a vision of an easier, happier parenting experience and some solid, proven, and do-able steps to get you there. You can start applying the techniques right away, and start getting quick results, with less yelling or need for punishment.
Mary, I'm worried that you sound depressed. Some of your son's behavior will be affected directly by your moods. Have you had any medical evaluation for your sense of weariness and despair? If not, PLEASE do see a doctor, for your own welfare and your child's. The sooner the better.
Blessings to you.
I completely agree with Momma11. Your son knows you don't want him. (Okay, let me change that phrasing -- he knows you're not happy to see him and pick him up. I don't think it's necessary to quibble over semantics. If a woman's husband were irritated every time he had to see her or deal with her, she would definitely feel it and react poorly to it. Why should a child be any different.? I'm just talking about reality here - I'm not judging it. I never said mothering was a ton of fun, I'm just saying kids know how their parents feel around and about them, and Mary L. admitted she did not like mothering at all.)
Look at it from your little boy's perspective - the person he adores most in the world, and with whom he wants to spend all of his time, is not only gone all day, but only fights with him and punishes him in the evening. Kids can completely sense how you feel.
That is enough to make many or most kids act out. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, it's just the facts. Please understand your little boy needs his mom, and if you could find one hour a day to play with him and have FUN with him, instead of battling, you would probably see a huge improvement in his behavior. If you think it's hard to find an hour, you probably spend a lot more time than that right now in negative interaction. Spending positive time with him will save you a lot of time in the long run.
Not everyone is meant to be a mother, but you have this little one now. Don't have another child if it's not your thing, but try to give this little boy the mother he deserves. If you can afford it financially, it might help to work part time. If you can't, then you can't.
There are ages that are just difficult! He's old enough that I would recommend 123 Magic a parenting book. It will help you let him know in an unemtional manner what is expected of him. That way you can hopefully get on with enjoying him. Also, at that age (and still to some degree but she's grown out of it) evening was THE worst part of the day for my daughter. I wonder if working with his nap schedule might gain you a little more even tempered energy later in the day? Wouldn't want to mess up bedtime though. Also, don't feel guilty, even people who work with children (teachers) have their favorite ages. I hope this works out so you can start enjoying each others company!
How would you feel if you knew your mother didn't want you???????????????????????? Remember he didn't ask to be born you made the decision to have him!!!!!
Mary, you've taken the first step in reaching out for help. Take the next and go to family counseling. They will help to give you the tools to make positive and rewarding changes for all of you. Your little guy needs you and he needs a happy mommy. You are frustrated because you don't yet know how to mother positively. He screams as he is reacting to this. He doesn't know how else to tell you. Small, little changes can help a lot. Smile more, sing silly songs to distract him when he is doing something (including screaming) that you don't want him to do (get some Raffi CD's from the library). Make eye contact and smile at him while changing his diaper. Take him out to the park for a walk in the woods rather than to a store. I really recommend investing in a baby carrier like a Boba, Beco, Ergo, or Baby Hawk to help both of you bond. Children need touch. Cook with your crockpot so that you have more time with him in the evening. Give grandma a vacation and use that time as bonding time together. Best of luck to you.