I can feel his pain of exhaustion…I am 41. I was working at a facility and the facility closed so I was forced back into the job market after being there for many years. I just landed a new job and will be starting back work next week. I am so excited about the possibilities…this will be a great fit and challenge for me. However, I am also worried to start over at a new place. I have to learn all of the unwritten rules and all the office politics. I have to meet lots of new people and understand their personalities. I have to learn who to go to for what in a new place. I have to be the newbie again. It’s a different kind of stress than being out of work.
I would suggest that you should go back to work anyway. If nothing else to help with your retirement planning. It sounds like he feels like the weight of the world is on his shoulders and he doesn’t have many choices but to “suck it up”. It sounds like he will feel like a failure if you act like you are forced to go back to work. I think that going back to work should be your choice to help him get happier and feel less stress.
Sales is hard. My DH says that when he had a really good sales day, he was mentally exhausted when he came home. It burned him out in just a few years, nevermind the kind of time your DH has put in. I would talk to him about his long-term goals and career. My DH recently asked for and received a change to another department because he’s done nothing but put out fires for the last 8 years or so. It wears. I’m hoping that my DH’s new job will be better for him. I think he’s just lamenting. I would let him lament and ask if he really wanted to consider a different career track, and if so, how does he see that working? Try to support him through this. He’s had most of his adult career doing one thing and has worked hard since his teens. I’m not surprised he’s taking stock. Instead of looking at it as “suck it up”, remind him why you are his partner, that you are a team, and how is this TEAM going to get through this transition? Sometimes my DH also needs time to chew on an idea before he embraces it. I would give him time to think this over. He just sounds like he’s had a lot thrown at him and is coming to some harsh truths.
I sometimes feel this way myself. I see people every day who work fewer hours and make more than I do. Then I really open my eyes and look around and realize there are also many people working harder for less, and I count my blessings. Having a positive outlook is harder to do some days than others though.
Thank you all for your responses- gave me a lot to think about! One thing to clarify is that I didn’t ‘tell’ him to suck it up, he said he knows he needs to do that for now. I can’t help but agree because, well, we like to pay for our house and food! But it wasn’t talked about in any kind of bitter way. But sorry if the way that was written/read implied that I’m sitting here telling him to get to work while I sit here doing nothing. Also, as I mentioned, I did sit down with him to tell him I didn’t want him to be so unhappy at work. So I could return to work now and he could enter a coaching job or whatever. That would mean a major change in lifestyle- I’m actually ok with that, he is not. Just wanted to clear up that I’m not a mean harpy of a wife demanding that he make money!
I really appreciate so many of you sharing the struggles that you or your spouse have experienced that is so similar to this. That makes me sad in our rat race society, but glad to know we have some company. I appreciate you guys sharing, it helped to gain perspective.
And I hear you loud and clear he should probably get a physical just to make sure everything is fine. He is due- overdue- for that. So I’m on it!
And mostly I’m hearing that there are little things we can do now to make this easier. It sounds like this new job will require a lot less travel, so that should help a lot- that equals less hours plus less stress and time away. I will make sure we use that time wisely- as a family, a couple, and some time just for him.
If it really is official burnout and he doesn’t embrace the new job and see himself working for another 10 or so years, we will talk. We’ll talk anyway, but I agree with you all that we need to put a plan together for what stepping back will look like. Having some steps and a timeline for that should help him gauge what he is wanting to and willing to do. If we push back that timeline because he enjoys the job, great. If we need to move it up, fine. As a side note, he grew up very poor- like lived in a truck camper in a relative’s back yard poor. He worked so hard to make something of himself. I think he’s afraid that if he lets go and slows down, he’ll somehow slide back into that. I need to make sure that he sees that isn’t the case. Downsizing and simplifying life is the natural next step to getting older and launching children.
Anyway, thanks again everyone. I appreciate the broad range of perspectives!