Hello moms, I have a very personal concern.
My husband and I have been together for three years and I think we have a very loving, fun and light relationship and I consider myself to be a very open-minded person.
A couple of nights ago we were talking about sex, and the conversation went on and on and I found myself asking him if he had the desire or wanted to sleep with other women. (I had no motive to ask this question it just popped in my head. I know what your thinking what kind of idiot wife would ever dare ask her husband such a stupid question! I'm not sure what my motive was it just came out and honestly I of course thought I already new the answer.) I guess I was looking for reassurance. However, that is not at all what I got. His response was, "Of course, I'm a man!"
My heart broke I was so mad, hurt and angry and after vocalizing my feelings he said "every married man thinks this way and if they tell their wife differently they are lying". Now I know men and women are different but not only do I not want to have sex with other men I don't think all married men feel this way. Is my head up in the clouds for thinking this? AND I think something is wrong with our relationship being that he does feel this way.
My girlfriend said I am being sensitive and most men probably do feel this way and as long as he doesn't act on it I should let it go. Him cheating on me is not an issue and I trust that he would never act on this but I don't care he still feels this way.
This is really affecting our relationship. I have not slept in our bed for the last two nights; I just can't, I am still so angry. So here's my question am I over-reacting???? Do most men feel this way or could this be trouble for us???? I would love to hear from women that know for a fact that their husbands do or don't feel this way. BUT PLEASE DON'T ASK ON MY ACCOUNT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED FOR EITHER ANSWER!!!
Dear Renee, I agree with your girlfriend and with your husband. Please go back to your own bed (tonight!) with the man who loves you. Nothing will ever get solved with you in the guest room. Everyone has fantasies, I believe that is all he was saying. He was just sharing an inner sexual fantasy and trusting that you would understand. Don't shut him out and lose the trust he has in you and your marriage to be able to share anything with you. He felt he could do that because of how much he loves you and how much you love him. Don't wait for all the Mama source answers, go back tonight and sit and read tomorrow. Married
35 years going for happily ever after! Never let the sun set on your anger. Kathy K.
I agree with Kathy. My husband told me the same thing as I did ask the same question. I asked becuase I noticed every time a hot women would walk by, he would take another look. He told me loves me with all his heart. But he has fantasies. But he would never cheat on me, again. And he hasnt. So I'm thinking you should go back to bed, be with him. Show him how much you love him, and if you need to, have a heart to heart talk with him about. Dont get angry he is only being honest. Which makes a marriage work.
Ok - my husband and I have been together for 20 years - married for almost 17. I read this to him and asked him to answer. When I asked if all married men think about sex with other women, he said "Probably". Now, I know that when we go out places he checks out girls. We've discussed that a lot. (I kept offering to introduce him to girls he looked at weather I knew them or not).
So, basically what I'm getting from my sweetie is that this is normal male behavior and you should tell him that you were upset, if you need to. But understand that while your guy may look and think - it's you he comes home to! That is his choice, EVERY DAY!!
Don't reward his honesty with distance. If you are comfortable asking questions, you need to figure out how to deal with some answers you may not like. Just remember that every day is a choice for every person - and he chooses to come home to YOU - and THAT is the important factor!
I guess my concern would be if he specifically has women in mind and is toying with the idea vs. answering honestly uh, yeah it's popped in my head.
any man can cheat. so can any women. none of us is immune to that, and thoughts are the first thing that start to take you there, so it's where you set your boundaries.
My husband had a sexual addiction, so he's a sober addict.
anyway, fantasies very much got in the way of us having a normal relationship, but that isn't what I am hearing from you.
For me to have the thought pop in my head is so weird because I was a virgin when I married my husband. I've only ever been with him. He however was very much not a virgin and probably got out enough prowess to make up for me not--I think that part of the answer to that question is how much sexual activity have they had before? and that can go both ways. some may wonder what would it be like with someone else? I personally don't because I am so satisfied with our love life that I can't imagine it being better. I've had conversations with girlfriends who were virgins and wondered what it would be like with someone else. asking the question or discussing it doesn't mean they are ready to go out and leave their husband it's just something they are curious about in that moment. if they start to dwell on it though then I ask them to think of where they are heading with that...I think it goes for all of us. and where we as couples decide to set our boundaries. some couples are comfortable with open marriages (they say but I've only really seen one of those working out...) we are military so several say while you are gone we are both single basically. usually ends in divorce because clear boundaries don't get set on what the couples are really comfortable with. usually one or the other is not comfortable with the arrangement but don't say so because their spouse would never really do it...but when they do.
anyway I'm kind of rambling, I tend to do that at 3 in the morning...but I guess I'm asking what are you really mad about? is there a boundary for you that says yes it is okay to acknowledge a person is good looking but anything beyond that feels like a betrayal to me? and if so expressing that boundary to him and finding where he fits in with that would be a good idea. I think it's great if you are going to ask he is going to answer you truthfully and I don't think he should be punished for that. Even in our worst times of dealing with my husbands addiction I never left our bed. that doesn't mean I was putting out--but we slept together, snuggled and talked or some nights lay on our sides with a no touch policy in force...but We worked through it. I think that is a big part of why we made it. For me it was important to not leave the bed unless I was thinking of leaving the marriage which I wasn't at that point. I grew up watching my mom sleep on the couch most nights. Knowing my parents were having problems and not talking through them. I guess I made a decision that I wouldn't "punish" my husband that way. it works for some people but if he slept somewhere else because he was mad it would tear my heart...so I don't leave the bed either. he's been sober 3 years now. nope 4. it's 4 years this summer--which is why it gets easier to talk about what we went through. He has to stop his thoughts at that is an attractive woman. Just as an alcoholic stops his thoughts at A beer sounds good. or that beer looks good. then remove themselves from the presence or thought. He has to be that diligent because he is hardwired for his addiction. So if a married man says no I never think about sex with other women. He might be telling the truth it depends on where he has set his boundaries and if he is diligent in maintaining them.
I've had the thought, I wonder what it would be like to smoke pot pop into my mind. I've had a second hand high before but never smoked myself. I've laughed about what I would probably do etc. then shake my head and know I would never go down that road. it isn't a temptation.
some men and women can do the same with the popping question of what would it be like to have sex with that person...they think it all through and shake their head and think I would never go down that road.
others think and think and think more. they fantasize and fantasize until the real thing is no longer enough--they are the ones who turn to addiction not just looking but addictions, and to affairs and cheating.
it's a natural progression in the thought process, the key to a happy relationship is knowing where your boundaries are as a couple. and asking for details in an answer like the one your husband gave you.
is he saying of course sometimes I think what if we hadn't gotten married and I were still single and...then laughs and says thank God I got married when I did.
or is it something else? if you cut off the conversation you won't know.
My husband and I talk about this all the time, we have a very open communication because it had to be for me to trust him in his recovery--and it's just natural still for us to talk about it and check in with each other. I wish we had that maturity when we met We could have been a stronger couple in the beginning. but the end result is the same I guess. we have that maturity because of the experiences.
I don't know if my rambling helps at all. the short of my long is get clarification before you get too upset...find out if you did over react or not. validate your emotions, yeah it upset you, ask yourself why it upset you and validate those reasons--and then have another good conversation with your spouse about why it freaked you out. validate his feelings too--you may find you are very very happy with the outcome of the conversation.
Oh no! PLEASE don't beat your husband up over this! He is right, most men (husbands or not) think this way. They absolutely do not think like women and he probably has zero desire to act on it. You should consider yourself lucky that he speaks to you so openly. By overreacting to a basic instinct that men have my put you in jeopardy of him clamming up next time. In other words, he may not be as honest with you in the future for fear that you will be a freak.
I have this rule, and it goes for ALL situations in life, do not ask a question if you can't handle the REAL answer or an answer you didn't expect. You never know what people are going to say so be sure you really want to know next time you ask a sensitive question.
Whatever you do, go back to sleeping with your husband, the silent treatment has never worked and never will. He was just being honest with you and you need to love him for that. He married you because he loves you and is attracted to you. He had no intention of hurting you, he was actually probably enjoying a very engaging moment with you and was shocked when you reacted the way you did.
I have asked my husband before. He said as a fantasy with me and another woman its great but he would never want to actually do it. He married me and while he might think about another woman in that way. I know he would never cross the line into doing it. Its like he can look but no touch. It doesnt bother me if he looks at a chick normally its me pointing out a hot chick to him. Just being a dork of course. He gets a big head when another woman flirts with him but he also gets grossed out. He thinks they are nasty to flirt with him because he is married. So while he may think about it he really doesnt want too.
This is an extremely difficult situation to comment on. You should know this. You took one sentense out of an admittedly long conversation, and are asking people to comment on it without the benefit of knowing you, your husband, the relationship or the conversation. All of these things are directly related to the situation and why what was said was said.
If said from a point of trust, he is right - probably all men do want to sleep with another women, superficially. If it really came down to it, would they though? Most probably would not, because they would feel bad. Most men do have emotional attachments to their wives & that more than guilt is what stops them from moving physical admiration into physical relationships with others.
That said, plenty of people have affairs too. It's just impossible to say without knowing your relationship. The part that we, your audience, does know is your reaction. I believe if you ask the question you must own the answer. If you feel so badly about what he told you perhaps you should seek counseling from a qualified professional to work on this issue.
Good Luck.
I think you might be misunderstanding how your husband feels about this. Miscommunication/misunderstanding is really at the root of a lot of discord in marriage.
I can say that my husband has said this too, but I'm not alarmed because he's not saying that he wants to go out and sleep with other women right now. He's saying that men come with different genetic programming. Yes, I do think men, from a physical standpoint, come with the programming to "spread their seed." If you took away emotional, mental and spiritual aspects from a man, physical and/or hormonal factors drive him to have sex with several women. So physically speaking, that is the way they come programmed.
But he should have also mentioned that he is governed by commitment to you, etc., and a host of other reasons, which is why he doesn't have sex with other women. But I think he is stating the truth that from a physical standpoint, most men are programmed that way- he just forgot to mention everything else that makes many of these men committed, faithful partners.
So step back, take a breather, recognize that you're probably over-reacting some, but also that he could have done a better job at communicating his commitment to you, despite this biological/physical fact. Calm down and try and talk it out some more.
I'm not worried about my husband at all and we've been married for nearly 10 years and have 4 kids. He shows me his devotion and love everyday through his actions and words. That's what really matters.
Hi Renee
Sorry to say but yes I believe all men think about sex with other women. Please keep in mind that men don't need emotions to have sex. We women tend to only want sex with a man that we are in love with. Men just need a willing partner. No feelings needed. Please believe me, the fact that your husband loves you makes your sex life more intimate for him. Sex is more special and it is making love because he loves you. Are you over-reacting, maybe, maybe not but at least your husband answered you honestly. Would you rather he lie to save your feelings? If you can keep that level of honesty between yourselves you have a great shot at a long and happy marriage. Tell him that the truth hurt and ask any questions you have. The truth may hurt but its better than lies.
Hi Renee, I don't blame you for being upset. I would be too. But I do think that most men do secretly want to have sex with other women. I don't really think that it means anything or that they will cheat. I'm sorry you asked this question and even sorrier that your husband wasn't smart enough to see it for what it was - a cry for reassurance. I hope he's smarter than this in other areas of his life. I would tell him how hurt you are then let it go. Don't get in a big discussion over it - he doesn't seem to have the smarts to know when to keep his mouth shut. And regarding having an "honest and open" communication in marriage, that is very important, I agree. But this isn't about honesty. It's about sensitivity towards your partners feelings.
My husband and I have a very open and honest relationship - and I know he thinks about other women at times. We even have a running joke about his "girlfriend" (the main female character on the series Chuck on NBC). I also know that he would never act on those things... and I think that every person, not just men, think about others regardless of how happy or satisfied they are in their relationship. Who hasn't had a fantasy?
Men look! Doesn't mean they act. Do you have any idea how many times a day a man thinks of sex? How often do you think about it? Doesn't mean you act on it. I have been married 23 years and he looks! Trust him with everything. That is the important part. HE seems to be your one and only. He is NOT having sex with anyone else. As far as I can see he gave you an honest answer and is in the dog house for it. Life is to short for that kind of nonsense. If anything he learned never to give you that honest of an answer again. But, look at it this way, you learned a lot about your man. He chose you! Soooo you better keep him happy! :)
Hi Renee - I know it's easy to feel hurt when you hear something like that, but unfortunately, there are just some major differences between men and women and this is one of them! I think most men use this rule to decide if they are attracted to a woman: "Can I see myself wanting to sleep with her? If so, then yes, I am attracted to her. If the answer is no, then I am not attracted to her." So like others have said, just because he finds other women attractive, it doesn't mean he's going to go sleep with all of them. And I would like to second what others have said about the fact that you should let your hubby know how glad you are that at least he can be honest with you. If you react this way every time he tries to be open with you, he will soon stop because I'm sure he wants to avoid having you feel hurt and sleeping in the guest bedroom! So if you'd like to keep this open relationship that you're so lucky to have, just let him know you were taken off guard by his answer, but are so thankful you have the kind of man that will be honest with you and just move on! Imagine how hurt you'd feel if he never confided in you!
I do think that it is natural to still be attracted to other people. It is not like that part of you gets switched off when you commit to someone. My husband and I are open with our communication in our relationship, and from time to time he will mention someone he found attractive, etc. But at the end of the day he chooses to be with me and that is what matters. After seven years together I will be honest, I sometimes see men that I am attracted to as well. But I choose to be with my husband as it is my husband that I love, care about and am committed to. What is most important is your commitment to each other. Even though he might be attracted to other women he chooses to be with you because he loves you and wants to be with only you. I wouldn't punish him for being honest in response to a question you asked. Honesty has to be one of the most important things in a relationship, and while it is okay to express how you feel about what he said, be careful that you don't put him in a position where now he feels like he needs to lie in order to tell you what you want to hear.
I would suggest you find the book "The Myth of Monogamy", it will help you to understand that this isn't personal, it is biological. It doesn't have anything to do with your husband loving your or not, it is just the reality that the human 'animal' will always crave something new and different. Try to see how amazing it is that he is willing to put those millions of years of biology aside to be faithful to you!
Instead of being hurt, I invite you to realize how much your husband loves you. He loves you enough to be completely honest with you about his feelings.
I realize that the answer you received was not what you expected and your reaction is very understandable. So now the question is -- Where do you go from here?
Why would you believe that not sleeping with your husband would be a good solution? I honor you for your honesty in how you are feeling, yet what is the end result of this choice? What message does it send to your husband? What it would send to me if I was him "She really doesn't want to know the truth, it hurts her too much". If this is the message he is recieving are you creating trust or dishonesty by your reaction?
Forget what "most man feel". The ONLY relationship that you want to focus on is between you and your husband. Are you telling me that you have NEVER fantasied about another man since you have been married? Perhaps this is a part of you that you are not willing to see.
I would invite you to share with your husband why it hurt so deeply. Give him the opportunity to share with you how your reaction made him feel. Before you have this heart to heart have an agreement that while the other is speaking the other is simply listening with a heart open to understanding and love. As you both see the situation from each others eyes you may be amazed at what you discover.
Remember you have promised to be with each other for better or worst and that sometimes being honest and open can hurt at first, but it is the only way to have a clean, clear relationship that can endure.
With my whole heart, Colleen
Owner of Loving Connections LLC
What is Loving Connection?
Healing my heart so I can feel yours.
Renee, First I want to say I understand and it does hurt. However, he is normal. There is a great book that is a VERY quick read. It is called For Women Only. I dont have the author handy, I will look up and repost. Anyway, it truly helped me understand my husband as a Man! They are different, very, very different! And that is a good thing. So, I strongly urge you to pick up this book. It is a Christian author but it is not a "Christian" book. It is really interesting and it really helped me.
Men are very different from women, and it's in their nature to be more highly sexually aroused, on average, than women. All this sounds normal to me. One problem is that our culture has spent the last 30 years trying to convince everybody that men and women are essentially the same, so when we find out that they're not that similar, it comes as a surprise. In older times (prior to the 1970's) people already knew about these differences in the sexes.
Dennis Prager has written on this topic and so has Dr. Laura.