How do you deal with childless friends...

Family & Parenting Classmate & Friend Issues
1

...who just don't get how important your kids are? My son's second birthday was last week and my two best friends didn't even acknowledge it - I'm not talking about no gift, but no mention of it at all. When one asked how my Thanksgiving was, I mentioned it was busy because we threw two birthday parties. She didn't even say "Oh, Happy Birthday! I forgot!", she said "Oh, send me pictures." This friend is married and childless by choice, the other is single but has two nephews whom she adores. We have all been friends for 10 to 20 years. Last year, I invited both of them to my son's birthday party but neither of them came, although they did send gifts. They were both invited to his christening, but neither of them came or even sent a card despite the fact that they both have a religious background. Rather than have my feelings hurt again, I decided not to invite them to the party this year, but I guess the fact that they totally ignored the event hurt my feelings even more. It's not that I was expecting anything tangible from them, it's just that I'm so immensely proud of my son and I love him so much, I feel like if they love me they should care about him, too.

I know that people who don't have kids just don't understand what being a parent is all about, but this is hard for me. Am I being too sensitive? How do you deal with your friends when they ignore the fact that your kids are the most important thing in your life? Do I let them know this hurts my feelings or do I just swallow it and move on? I'm having a difficult time getting past this and I was hoping that you could offer a different perspective.

Thanks :)

2

I can understand your feelings. I had my son almost 3 months ago, and my girlfriend hasn't even called and made an effort to come see him yet. She is not married, and doesn't have children, but I know one day she will. So, I will treat her in the same fashion. (I am a Scorpio so when something stings, I tend to sting back). Your friends will probably have a family one day, and you need to remember how they treated you and yours. It is true that single friends are in an entirely different world than those who have children. What is important to you, is not important to them, but some day they will see why you are feeling the way you do. It wouldn't hurt to mention it to them.

3

If they have been your friends for so long then just tell them how you feel. Grown-up interaction is so important for SAHMs. Tell then that you need them and that you want them at these events because it helps keep you sane. They should understand, if they have known you for so long you all should be able to sit down and talk about this.

4

Hi Elizabeth,

I'm going to ask you to think back to those days when you didn't have kids. I know that when I was childless I was clueless about the kind of all-consuming love you wind up having for your children. No one knows that feeling until they are a parent themselves. It's not something you can or should try to explain.

I have two theories about your friends. One, they feel slighted because you didn't invite them. Why would they acknowledge an event that their best friend of 10-20 years didn't invite them to? It's one thing that they haven't come to your parties but it's another thing to be left out. I think by doing that you were being passive-aggressive and expecting them to read your mind. I doubt they know you didn't invite them because you were upset at their behavior towards your other invitations related to your son. In their eyes, I bet they just feel left out and don't know why you'd do that.

Two, they're preoccupied with their own lives and truly don't "get" that they should be calling to say Happy Birthday. I'm sure they adore your son but he's YOUR son not theirs and if they don't spend a lot of time with him or don't have a strong connection to him, truly he's just another of their friend's kids. I don't mean to be glib about it but I know that's how I've felt in the past and even still sometimes.

Let's face it, we are all so busy today, with or without children and I know I have a hard time making sure I don't forget every birthday or anniversary in my own family much less worry about those family members of my friends. I really wouldn't take it too personally. I truly doubt their indifference has anything to do with you or your son and if your really bothered by it then maybe that's a good excuse to plan a girl's night out and gently discuss it.

Good luck!

5

The same thing happened with my son's first birthday last year. I went all out on a luau for my youngest son's 1st birthday we spent more money than we should have for so many people not to show up. My family is VERY close and we get together all the time, but for some reason my aunts and uncle and their families didn't eve show up. My best friend, also didn't. I was VERY hurt for a few days afterwards, but then, I got over it and I just look back on it and remind myself if was Parker's day, and he enjoyed himself!

6

To us, our kids are our world and we really do work our lives intertwined with theirs so it's sometimes hard to see others not think so highly of them...but in reality, to everybody else, they are just another kid who many people in all honesty find children to be a nuisance. I'm figuring that out more and more with these headlines of people complaining about kids making too much noise on a playground of all places or in a swimming pool...along with the daily things like reactions from people in stores related to kids sometimes if the kids are not silently walking along with you with their hand on the cart and a smile on their face. The majority are friendly, but that to say that not everybody enjoys being around kids...and particularly the friend who is childless by choice probably doesn't really like being around kids in general. Thinking from the friend's perspective, they don't think as highly of our kids as we do, just as we don't think as highly of their career as they do, or of her family members even. I'd say try not to take it personally, as she probably has no intention of being rude to you, but rather is just not in the same place of life. If she were blatently rude, that would be different, but it sounds like she just neglected to do what you wanted her to do, which we can't really blame another person for our expectations in a situation like that. Personally, I don't invite friends of mine who don't have kids to the birthday parties unless they are like family and I know that THEY would want to come. Because if I were them, I probably wouldn't want to come either in all honesty, but would rather prefer going out to lunch with just the adult friend or something. Hope this helps!

7

I have kids and I don't always remember my best friends' kids birthdays. Of course, they don't live nearby, and we don't exchange gifts fpr the kids. But that wouldn't be the yardstick I would use to measure the friendship. Is your friend generally interested in you as a person, and a parent? Does she remember your birthday? Would she listen to a story about how much work it was to find a balloon-animal guy (or whatever)?

I've had some friendships fall by the wayside since I had my first child. And some sort of go into hibernation for a while. It may be that these close friendships for you will be rejuvenated in a few years when your kids are school-aged and your life is less wrapped up in theirs. (and I don't say that in a bad way - I think it's right to be very wrapped up in the details of our kids' lives when they're young, but as time goes on, their worlds branch out.)

8

At the end of the day, no matter how much you try to explain to your friends what's it is like to be a Mom, they won't understand it. So, use this basis to figure out how to handle this situation. In other words, if there is no way that they can understand what it's like to be a Mom, what can you do to help this situation? If they don't understand, than telling them why you are hurt might not make sense to them.

My advice is that you realize that your position/ priorities in life are different from theirs and embrace what they offer to the friendship but know their limitations. All friends have limitations, this just happens to be theirs. Once you understand this, your hurt feelings over things will minimize. Unfortunately, sharing your "Mom" life with your friends who don't have that, will be difficult at best. But you can reminisce and have their support as a woman/ wife/ dreamer, etc.

As women, we need all kinds of friends for all kinds of things. I am sorry that you are going through this. I hope that you can resolve it without losing their friendship. Ten to twenty years is a long time to have friends. Who knows! Maybe one day soon they will become Mom's themselves.

Best wishes.
Nicole

9

I say get over it. too many other things to worry about. My son is the most important thing to me, as I know other parents feel the same way about their kids.... but I can't for the life of me even remember the month my friend's kids birthdays are... I can't even remember when my friends birthdays are anymore. If they were invited to the party a simple "how was the party" would of been nice... but really, ... to some people w/o kids perhaps they feel that their life is all around their husbands, do we remember their birthdays? It doesn't mean they don't care. They certainly are not gonna understand because they don't have kids (I have one friend who lost a cat and actually said it was EXACTLY like losing a child. not). The reality, you CAN tell them how you feel... but in the end does it really make a difference? I'm sure they aren't insensitive on purpose, they just don't get it. And know, that my son's second birthday I don't think any of my friends except those in my play group remembered! I feel its more important to look at the situation in their eyes and let it go. I'm sure they love you : ) and your kids : ))

10

I think you're being too sensitive. Your kids are the most important thing in "YOUR life" not "THEIR life" and since they don't have kids I imagine it is difficult for them to understand your perspective.

What if the shoe were on the other foot and they gave you grief about being a mother - as in, being disappointed that you don't drop everything you're doing with your kids and go out to have a drink or a girls' night on a total whim?

Try to imagine what it was like before you had kids. I was a 'childless friend' to my closest friend for 4 years (she has a 5 and 2 year old) and now that I have a child of my own I can only now fully realize everything she was going through. For me personally, there was no way for me to have perspective on what her life was like, let alone remember her kids' birthdays!

Decide for yourself if you think this is a big enough deal to end a friendship over.

11

You did a very nice job articulating your feelings in the post. Why don't you simply share those thoughts with them. Sometimes people are just obliviuos and really need a "I was really hurt by ..." conversation. Or it may open a door to an explanation of why they are not involved. If you have been friends for that long, I would think it is worth having the tough conversation. Good luck.

12

Elizabeth,

I say leave it alone. I've lost and gained a couple of friendships in my adult years for various reasons. One was due to us having kids and our friends not. We no longer had the same things in common. We still see them occasionally as I play softball with the wife, but other than that - we don't spend time together.

I was a childless friend for awhile (by choice). I went to the baby showers, visted the hospital and gave the gifts. In all honesty, as happy as I was for my friends, I really wasn't into their kids. It had NOTHING to do with the kids and nothing to do with my feelings for my friends. I just was never a kid-person. The idea of spending a Saturday afternoon/night at a kids birthday party wasn't on the top of my (or my husband's) list.

I lost touch with some friends due to this, but it was hard to maintain a friendship with them. Not having kids, it was hard for me to understand why they couldn't meet for a girls dinner or shopping or take a trip to Vegas with us. Selfishly, I didn't want to meet for lunch and have to deal with the distraction of kids. AND, being a Mom now I KNOW how much of a distraction it is with our boys.

Again, it had absolutely nothing to do with my feelings for my friends, but more that we didn't have much in common at that time. Yea, it's great when you're a Mom and you experience the "milestones". Yea, you want to share with EVERYONE but really, I didn't know what a big deal rolling over, sleeping through the night, babbling, sitting up, etc was. (Now I DO!!)

One of the things that my DH talked about a LOT before starting our family is that we wanted to be Toni and Rich even after the baby was born. Before we became Mom and Dad, we were friends, siblings, children, employees and most importantly husband and wife. Although we are first and foremost Mom and Dad, we still work hard to be who we were before. And, although time doesn't allow us to do all we used to do, we try to maintain some balance. I spent yesterday with my (childless) sister at the Spa, lunch and shopping. I didn't bring up the boys at all - unless she asked. My best friend (childless) was in for the Holiday weekend and I took the afternoon away from my family and spent it with her at lunch and shopping. Again, I didn't bring up the boys but talked about topics we had in common.

So, my long-winded piece of advice is to accept the friendship for what it is and enjoy what you have with your friends. They may become parents eventually (we SWORE we were never having kids and then we SWORE only one...hell, I'm thinking about #3 now!).

Good luck to you.

Toni

13

Don't let it bother you. WE had no clue until after we'd had our son, either. I remember my SIL being really annoyed that we forgot our niece's birthday and I was like, "oh sorry... happy birthday!". I didn't get it. Even when our son was 9 months old last easter, we were over at the in-laws and they had all sorts of Easter stuff - baskets, etc. It totally didn't occur to me that this is what parents DO for their kids. I just wasn't used to it yet because that was the first easter that I had had one. My point is, until you've been there, you just can't possibly get it. Don't take it personally, please. Just think back to when you first had your son... I suspect that until that moment, it never occurred to you how important YOUR birthday was to your mom!

14

I agree that your pals don't mean it. They are totally in a different way of life then you are. I remember, before I had my daughter, I could never really remember my niece's birthday nor could not really share the excitement of birthdays and overall her kids' development/milestones with my sister. Now, I totally know what it means to be a mom and excited!
Similarly, my childless friends and I drifted apart over the years...not only did they not care about my daughter (I know they didn't mean it), I just felt I was in a different wavelength then them. The reason why I dropped my friends is that I didn't have much to lose. We were not friends for many years and so it wasn't a big loss.

So all in all, you have every right to be hurt. However, they don't mean it, and they don't know what it is like to be a mom. So just treat them as if they are your friends, but don't expect them to ask about your kids, nor you bring it up to them. And keep socializing and meeting other moms. Good luck!

15

Try and not take your friends not showing up or acknowledging it personally. I know... it's really hard. Your relationships (I found) change with those friends who don't have kids (I feel like I am a leper now) and even with those friends who do (with some it seems like a competition and I hate it). For those married/unmarried w/o children, it's really a totally different life and way of thinking and I am sure they are not doing it to hurt you or your son. :)

16

Hi Elizabeth -

I hope I have a little something different to add to your discussion . . .

I wasn't such a great 'aunt' to my friends' kids when I was single (I was childless until after 40), though I did help out when asked. They really never asked or let me know what they needed as new moms and friends. Now that I am a mom, I wish they had done more to create opportunities for me to get to know their kids; I just didn't have a clue and am sorry that I am not closer to these fabulous young adults!

Having said this, the fact is that I don't know where your two friends are on the spectrum. Maybe your childless married friend really ISN"T into kids and your single friend is clueless, like I was. If you can put yourself, emotionally, into a loving and neutral place, it might be helpful for you to talk to each of them about how things have changed in your relationships with them since YOU became a mom. If they are really great friends this might be a good discussion to have.

Are you less available and connected to them? Do you still go out with your friends? Is it difficult at all for them (esp. single friend) that you have kids? Try to look at this from their point of view.

The truth is, as others have mentioned, that usually we don't know what our mom friends need until/if we become moms ourself.

Good luck!

Barbara

17

I agree with Toni I believe was her name.. if you could sit down and somehow express that you sure would enjoy having them come over to these events becuz your child is a part of who you are. Likewise, if they have people and events in their lives.. such as a birthday of a boyfriend, husband.. a celebration of a job promotion, wouldn't they want your support with those sorts of things? Friendships are about give and take and sharing of lives, everyone's lives should be included.

They may continue to remain childless for some time.. so does this mean they have a right to continue to ignore the fact that you do have a child? How much energy does it take to ask how your son is doing and ask about a few cute things he is doing too? As long as you don't dominate the whole darn conversation with kid talk and remember to always ask them what is going on in their lives too, I think that is fine.

I mean, I assume there are other things going on there at your house and at these events that you invite them to.. with food and other things to talk about besides diapers and bottles. C'mon, I'm sure they can make conversation with someone and enjoy your hospitality.

Regardless if you have kids or not, I think not recognizing an invitation to an event of any sort.. including your son's christening... is, in my opinion really RUDE. If they can't come, sure.. that is okay but they should have recognized that very special event in some way at least with a phone call explaining why they can't come and they are sorry about it.
anyway.. you response was mature about being open to different opinions. I love all of the gals on here and have learned a lot.

Anyway.. just my two cents. And I also have a couple who I'm close to who are older and are not having children and they just attended my daughter's wedding. Its about recognizing what is important in one another's lives and respecting and honoring that. If your friends love you as you say they do, then they would want to ask about everything going on with you and want to support you as much as they can. Again, balance is key. You all have to show interest and love for one another regardless of life styles and choices.

18

Hi Elizabeth,
I just wanted to add that before I had my son in September I simply did not 'get it'. When my girlfriends started having kids I did my best to be happy for them but I really had no idea what they were doing, feeling, experiencing...your whole life and perspective on everything changes when you have kids - since this was only 3 months ago for me I remember the transition very clearly. Don't take offense - they really just don't get it. Someday they will and if you guys are true friends your relationships will grow and change for the better.
Take care!!
Tracy

19

One thing I always try to think about is that we're all only human. To set certain expectations, even if those expectations are kept internal and not voiced, is asking to be let down because....we're all human. I read an incredible book called "Tender Mercy for a Mother's Soul". She hits this topic really hard. She was talking about how she would have days when she'd work really hard, or days when she'd have a really bad day, and she would feel even worse after a big lack of sympathy or encouragement from her husband. Well, she hit it right on when she explained that we can't expect certain things from people and we also can't expect certain reactions from people. If we allow ourselves to be defined by other people's actions, we are choosing to allow those same people to have a certain amount of control over us. I also have a friend who lets me down all the time. I put a perspective on things after I read that book, and realized that I was a strong, content, and lucky lady to have the things I have in my life, and that I refused to hand out power to people that in effect causes me to be sad or upset. It's very exhilarating when you finally get it and take that power back. For instance, you could invite your friends to the party, and whoever else you decide to invite, but instead of allowing who does or doesn't come to the party bother you, focus all that energy on making your son's party nothing less than perfect for him. I know it can still hurt your feelings when your close friends don't celebrate the most important things in your life...your kids, but the power you've given them to upset you is probably unbeknownst to them. If you find you're really having trouble still, I would sit them down and talk with them and just tell them, "you know guys, I know you don't mean anything by it, but sometimes my feelings are really hurt when you don't come to my kids' things. Do you think you could try coming to some? Because he's so important to me, and so are you, and when you're not there, it almost just doesn't feel right." I'm sure if they knew how you felt, they absolutely would make more of an effort to meet your needs. That's what friends are for.

I will admit that what I was talking about, with not having certain expectations takes some practice, but it's well worth it and actual flows into other parts of your life, like controlling road rage, dealing with people in your life that mess up a lot, and other things too.

20

One thing I always try to think about is that we're all only human. To set certain expectations, even if those expectations are kept internal and not voiced, is asking to be let down because....we're all human. I read an incredible book called "Tender Mercy for a Mother's Soul". She hits this topic really hard. She was talking about how she would have days when she'd work really hard, or days when she'd have a really bad day, and she would feel even worse after a big lack of sympathy or encouragement from her husband. Well, she hit it right on when she explained that we can't expect certain things from people and we also can't expect certain reactions from people. If we allow ourselves to be defined by other people's actions, we are choosing to allow those same people to have a certain amount of control over us. I also have a friend who lets me down all the time. I put a perspective on things after I read that book, and realized that I was a strong, content, and lucky lady to have the things I have in my life, and that I refused to hand out power to people that in effect causes me to be sad or upset. It's very exhilarating when you finally get it and take that power back. For instance, you could invite your friends to the party, and whoever else you decide to invite, but instead of allowing who does or doesn't come to the party bother you, focus all that energy on making your son's party nothing less than perfect for him. I know it can still hurt your feelings when your close friends don't celebrate the most important things in your life...your kids, but the power you've given them to upset you is probably unbeknownst to them. If you find you're really having trouble still, I would sit them down and talk with them and just tell them, "you know guys, I know you don't mean anything by it, but sometimes my feelings are really hurt when you don't come to my kids' things. Do you think you could try coming to some? Because he's so important to me, and so are you, and when you're not there, it almost just doesn't feel right." I'm sure if they knew how you felt, they absolutely would make more of an effort to meet your needs. That's what friends are for.

I will admit that what I was talking about, with not having certain expectations takes some practice, but it's well worth it and actual flows into other parts of your life, like controlling road rage, dealing with people in your life that mess up a lot, and other things too.