My son is 13, is on the autism spectrum and had braces put on about six months ago. He has a really bad cross bite and crowding to the point where Invisalign isn't an option, and his teeth are just too horrible to leave alone.
The day we had the braces put on, he had a meltdown the entire day. I thought this would be the end of it but no. At each adjustment appointment we find no less than four wires or brackets broken. I'm certain he's popping them off at school somehow, or getting a hold of food and snacks he is NOT supposed to have! He also refused to brush his teeth the entire time, and told me he will only start brushing them if the braces are removed.
I have tried explaining to him why he needs braces. I have tried bribing him, to no avail. I tried dishing out consequences. I took away TV and video games and told him he will only get those back when he at the very least stops popping off his braces. The problem is he has shown he would rather have consequences than cooperate with his orthodontic treatment.
I'm infuriated. I spent $5,000 on this, only for him to have something to ruin when he gets mad. I refuse to give up though. His teeth are horrible. I know he will thank me when he's an adult. I made it clear to him we are not removing the braces. I'm just waiting for a point where he will realize it's easier to stop breaking his brackets and wires than to be bored all day. I hope that point will come soon, but man this is hard.
I’m not sure turning this into a battle of wills is either helpful or viable. Especially with a teenager on the spectrum.
Either figure out a way to enlisht his cooperation, or stop throwing your money down the drain. He will almost certainly be willing at some point, but trying to force a young person just entering one of the most tempestuous phases of life to do something he’s set himself against is not only an exercise in futility, it’s simply not good parenting.
Take off the braces, put the money into an account that’ll earn a little interest, and let him come to the conclusion himself that getting help is a good idea. Whether or not he thanks you is the least important piece of this.
You’re really in a bind, and I totally sympathize with your predicament. A lot of parents go through this, and you’ve got added layers with a kid on the spectrum who may have communication issues with you/others or who may have sensory issues…or both.
I would have a consultation with the orthodontist to see what success they’ve had with other kids on the spectrum or with other special needs. If they have nothing to suggest, you might consider another orthodontist who does, but that still leaves the burden on you for the day to day.
I think, if you’re going to take away privileges, that you have to tie them to his age and maturity. For many kids (neurotypical as well as neurodivergent), loss of privileges seems like a parent is being arbitrary and vindictive. So they dig in their heels with a “You can’t make me” stubbornness. The only way it works - and still it doesn’t always - is to tie privileges of maturity to behavior showing maturity. So, inability or unwillingness to take responsibility for his body (brushing teeth, avoiding foods) also means he’s not yet ready to stay home alone or feed himself snacks and meals of choice. Inability to value things that cost money (braces, office visits) may be analogous to not valuing the computer, the TV, a phone, or the family car when it comes time to get a learner’s permit. That last one may be too far off for him at this point.
I agree with Suz that this may not be the time. Setting aside an account for future expenses makes sense, and I think it may not make sense to tell him about it right now. At some point, perhaps when he’s calm and able to listen, he has to learn that there’s a limit to the funds, and you’ve used $5000 for no gain, and now his routine checkups will be more expensive (cavities, crowns) due to excessive decay from his neglect. The money he wants for other things (large and small) has been wasted on unnecessary repairs to his braces. It’s gone, and you don’t have a printing press in the basement. I think you can stop buying any problematic foods, but you can’t control what he does at school or someone else’s house. The main thing is to make him “own” this, as his decisions have put you all (and himself) in this position. You can’t go backwards, only forwards. I would put emphasis on his deeds and not his promises, and make it less about your own frustration (justifiable as it is) and more about his choices that have an impact on the family.
Oh gosh, what a difficult situation! I have nothing to add beyond what Diane B and Suz said. I just wanted to express sympathy and support. It’s quite possible that you will need to let the orthodontic treatment go until he becomes an adult and can decide himself to do it (understand the doc’s explanations of why he has to have caps often or has trouble chewing, and how braces could help fix the situation). Wishing you good luck!
I’m not sure that I would give up after 6 months, although I’m sure it’s annoying and expensive to have to keep fixing the braces when he breaks them, and ultimately you might have to. But for now, I’d try to help him develop coping strategies for the discomfort.
Instead of consequences or bribes, address the discomfort head-on. He’s telling you the braces are extremely troubling to him, so I think your focus should be there. I would suggest working with an OT to develop possible sensory strategies to address his discomfort.
Empathize with what he is experiencing, and try to cheerlead him into believing he can survive braces even if he hates braces. What sorts of strategies does he have to cope with other unpleasant things? Is he troubled by loud noises, crowded places, or. ??? Find ways to remind him of other difficult things he has done, and be confident he can do this too.
I guess I would talk to the pediatric orthodontist. I’m sure your son is not the only patient he has with autism. Maybe he has some suggestions and pointers for you, based on other patients he has seen and how they dealt with the braces. He may be able to contact the family of autistic patients of his to get an idea of how they coped with their kids’ discomfort and pass on that information to you. I can understand your frustration, as I paid over 5k for my daughter’s braces and now her teeth have shifted so she has a gap in her front teeth due to her refusal to wear her retainer so like you, I feel like I spent all this money for nothing.
Have you tried wax? Perhaps he is in pain or doesn’t like the feel of them, and that may help relieve his reasons for tearing the brackets and ripping the wires out (assuming it’s nothing else). I would also ask if they can tighten his braces in a slower, more slight manner so he can maybe adjust to that slowly. Perhaps if they don’t bother him so much, he won’t resort to damaging them. Better to have braces for a longer period of time due to slow adjustments than to constantly be running back for repairs and dealing with his anger and frustration, while yours also builds up.