I have played the Christmas shuffle since I was a teenager (because my parents got divorced). It is miserable. I recommend planning the day like you want it to be and let them know. If they choose not to join you, then oh-well. Eat lunch. Open presents. Enjoy the family that is able to make it. I know when I was really little, my grandmother was always upset that my uncle didn't come. It made me feel unwanted. I think it is better to just really enjoy who does come and not make every one wait for the one that doesn't. If they don't like how it turns out this year, then maybe they will change their plans for next year. Good luck and Merry Christmas.
This is how we do it. We set this schedule years ago before we even had kids and it has always worked. Each family knows which day is theirs and there is never a reason to get upset. We spend Christmas eve with my husbands family and my siblings also spend that day with their in-laws. We spend Christmas morning with our kids doing our own Santa and gifts and then get together with my family around noon and for the rest of the day. That way each side gets time and we don't have to be rushed Christmas morning with our own kids and the day is not split ruunning around to multiple houses. Also on Thanksgiving we alternate families each year also so we are not running around eating here and there and each family knows in advance if it is their year or not.
It sounds like his wife would rather spend more time with her own family. That is understandable but not fair to your family or the kids. But if your brother goes along with it there isn't much you can do. Have your mother pull him aside and expain to him simply and nicely how she feels and see if there is something that can be done for next year. If he wants to discuss it with his wife and make a change then they will, if not there isn't much you can do. It is not worth a family fight and maybe not get to see them at all. Good luck. Every family goes through this. Have a Merry Christmas!
my family has the same issue... both of my parents were divorced and re-married, we used to have to divide our time between 4 different families during the holidays! we would alternate years, and one of my grandmas started celebrating the day before or the day after to make things easier for everyone involved~that way people could still make plans on the holidays without worrying about offending anyone.
My Step-son and his wife and her family live in the same town. I never pressured them to come at a certain day/time!! We are a blended family and always had Christmas on different days since he had to go with his mom (he lived with us). And my husband works shift work.
Christmas is Christmas and you can make what you want of it. If they chose to be elsewhere, let them have peace.
Several years ago, I told my husband's family that we were no longer going on Christmas Eve because I wanted to stay home and make traditions with our children. They are still upset but Christmas is now so PEACEFUL for us.
We open our gifts when we want at no set time, eat and then go visit family.
Hope this does not offend you or come over as rude but just enjoy the time you have with them and be glad they come over at all. If you try to push it, it may get worse.
Oh, boy, do I feel the pain on that one. It is such as struggle to be with both families. You always have an empty hole in your heart because there is never enough time with either family. Aside from that, eating two huge dinners is impossible.
The best solution is to have Christmas over two days. For Thanksgiving, we had it one day with one set of parents and the next with the other family. Luckily, this Christmas we have a lot of family not coming in until Christmas and the day after. We are going over to the in-laws tonight. Christmas with my side tomorrow. And then Christmas again with my in-laws. Not only are there two sides to squeeze in, but lots of siblings with varying schedules. I have spent my Holidays in tears before trying to make it work. That's miserable and not right. Now that I have small children, I don't want their Holidays to be spent globetrotting all over God's creation. Our families are about 30 miles apart. Please understand where your brother is coming from and how extremely difficult it is. The best resolution for us has been to give different days with each family. That doesn't even factor in getting in a nap for the kids. It's a shame that such a blessing of being loved and loving so many people has to be such a chore and hardship. No matter how hard you try, you can never adhere to anyone's time schedule and feathers are ruffled.
My gift this year has been to make a book of both families memories, traditions, and recipes. The tradition part of it hopefully will show each side of the family that we both have traditions that run deep. I also included how they change over time and that basically it's just a juggling act now. Both families must understand and be flexible on a reasonable time schedule. The only times I don't have that empty feeling in my heart after it's all over is when we have given different days to different families. It can be worked out and doesn't have to litter anyone's Christmas with loneliness and bad feelings. It just takes more than one day.
What does your brother think about it? If he has no issues with it then there is nothing you can do about it. Unfortunately that may just be how their marriage works. It sucks but it's their choice as parents, and depending on how you go about it if you did decide to say something you may make them not want to come at all. Also you have to think about how often both families see the kids and the parents during the rest of the year and Thanksgiving? Do you guys see them more often? Maybe try suggesting opening gifts with your parents and family on Christmas Eve so that you get a whole day too. I hope this helps. Good Luck! -Carra (mother of 2 and one on the way)
Our situation is a little more complicated, we have 2 MIL's & one Step-MIL/FIL to visit so what we started doing is, visit one on Christmas Eve Day/Christmas Eve & MIL on Christmas Day. Now, since one MIL has moved out of state, she realizes we can't visit very often so we visit her every couple of yrs or so, sometimes longer unfortunately but she understands. So when that happens we just let the others know that is where we're going this year & plan around it so we can still visit all the in-laws around Christmas, whether it be spend it on Thanksgiving or whenever. I think in-laws should be understanding & accomodating w/their time spent w/the families, knowing that there are other relatives to visit. It used to be that we all lived w/in 30 min to a couple hrs from each other but that since has changed. We would visit in a sort of circle, start w/the closest & wk our way around til we come bk home but now we can't do that so what I would suggest for y'all is have a visit on Christmas Eve for one set of in-laws & Christmas Day for the other set. This, I think, is going to be the best thing to do if you expect to spend all day together. Switching off is a good idea too if you can keep up w/who spent what day w/whom every year. I think it's less confusing if you divide it up between the two days. Hope this helps & good luck!!
My husband, daughter and I live in Texas while the rest of our families live 900 miles away. Each Thanksgiving and Christmas we're there has worked pretty well for us so I'll tell you what we do. On Christmas Eve, we go to my mom's, have dinner, and then open presents. It's a late night but lots of fun. On Christmas morning, we're with my in-laws and we open gifts there. My mother-in-law cooks and we have a late lunch. By then, we're exhausted but we head 45 minutes to have Christmas with my dad's family. We eat some more and we are really tired by the end of it and don't stay more than a couple hours.
On one hand, maybe give your brother and sister-in-law a break. They are probably worn out and their kids are too. On the other hand, the reason our schedule works is because our families are willing to compromise just a bit. Perhaps your mom can talk to your brother about next year. Your idea about alternating is a good one. Have a Merry Christmas!
We used to go to my parents house for Thanksgiving and his parents house for Christmas. And the next year we would go to his parents on Thanksgiving and mine for Christmas. It always worked out well for us. I think family is a very important part of the holiday season and should be spent together and enjoyed. Your sister in law sounds like a selfish person if she just likes to spend time with HER family. But on the other hand, your brother allows this behavior also. Maybe a nice talk can bring things to light or atleast would let them know how everyone feels about it.
Our family flip-flops: Christmas Eve with one family and Christmas Day with the other family. The following year it's reversed. So, for example, if we spend Christmas Eve with my family this year, then we spend Christmas Day with my family next year.
We also flip-flop Thanksgiving and Easter the two families. So, for example, if we spend Thanksgiving with my family, then we spend Easter with his family. The following year it is reversed. The other family can choose to see us on an alternate day. So we might still see each family for Thanksgiving. We see one family on Thanksgiving Day all day long. The other family might choose to celebrate the Saturday before or after Thanksgiving.
I hope I was clear enough...
Some people are more flexible than others. Work with what you have. Be happy you get even a little bit of time with them. Someone on the other side is obviously not flexible. It's probably just a personality thing. Don't make an issue of it. Don't see it as getting the short end. It really doesn't matter the day or time. Teach your children to be flexible by telling them how excited you are to see them whatever the timing is. Don't find any excuse to cause a rift in the family. Your kids will learn that it is not about the gifts and when you open them, but it is about enjoying the time together with family. Plan some fun things to do until the others get there so that your kids enjoy being with the grandparents and whoever else is there.
Your brother is trying to be a good husband and wants to please his wife. Honor him by being flexible and see if they have another solution for other holidays.
My extended family has always celebrated holidays on "off" days as it seems my brothers have in-laws that aren't as flexible. It has never become a problem over the years. This year, our family had to miss the extended family celebration (we moved so far away) so I am looking at your "little while" with a bit of envy.
Hope you have a wonderful Christmas!
My married son, also, spends more time with his in-laws than with us. While my married daughter's family is closer to us. I know everyone has several choices and opportunities, for instance my son-in-law has divorced parents and multiple grandparents who may invite them over. Then there's work schedules to consider. My unmarried son is a retail general manager so he's barely getting to rest with no days off during this time of year.
In the beginning I was a bit unhappy that we didn't get "equal time" with my married son's family but now I make every effort to make things easy. I really don't want to put more stress on my adult children. I don't want them to have to choose or to run themselves ragged.
This year we had Thanksgiving the Saturday before (while my retail son still had time off) and I made a special meatloaf dinner so they wouldn't get tired of eating the traditional turkey dinner.
We had our Christmas celebration on Sunday night the 20th when my sisters could come from out of town also. I made minestrone soup with meatballs, Italian salad, etc., not the foods they would be eating in a few days.
My daughter has been inviting us for Christmas brunch when she also has the in-laws over, so we go there. Then there's a separate celebration we host for my husband's family.
Being flexible and making things easy is a gift that's appreciated.
For years we would drag our kids and baby items to one place for Christmas and then Easter at the others. Believe me after 10 years of doing this, it was NO fun so we just stopped. We told both sets of families that we live an hour away from each of you and the road goes both ways.. Guess what? No one came to our place for the holidays. So, we visited each family once before Christmas for them to see their grandkids.
Now we have adult married children that live close by but their careers did not always allow them holidays off, so we just get together whenever we could. Whoever showed up for the holidays, we just partied on. Now there are grandkids that we see whenever we can. Everyone was here for Christmas Eve and most of them for Christmas Day. Holidays should be stress free and are to be enjoyed with family whenever you can get together because the calendar day is immaterial.
Ann,
Typically, we women prefer to spend our holidays with our own family, leaving the leftovers for the in-laws. This is very selfish behavior, but I'm guilty of it, too. Your sister-in-law is no exception. It sounds like you are spending your Holidays with your parents. I'd be interested to know how much time you are spending with your in-laws and how you've divided your time...
My side of the family is very spread out and my 2 sister-in-laws (brother's wives) enjoy spending their holidays with their families. We often have our Thanksgiving and/or Christmas with my Mom and Brother's the week before so that we can all be together. Sure, it would be nice if we could be together ON the specific day, but in reality, there is just not enough time to go around. If they made a point to spend the holiday with everyone, they'd be running themselves and their children ragged! Let's face it: our families have gotten too big to share with EVERYONE!
On Christmas Eve I have a family get together at my home and I invite everyone from both sides. We have finger foods, drinks, and fun with our nieces and nephews and toward the end of the evening, we let the children open the gifts from their cousins, etc. We don't get to see everyone every year, but we don't make a big deal of it either. We enjoy seeing those that are able to come.
My husband's Mom and his sister, and my Mom live in the same area so we do see them every year. As far as Christmas goes, I set my rules when we started having children. I wanted my children to have their own traditions and I wanted them to have Christmas in their own home. They wake up to receive Santa's gifts and open their gifts from us. My Mom enjoys coming over Christmas morning after gifts are opened to watch the children play with their new things. We have a casual breakfast and lunch and we spend the afternoon just lounging and playing with their new gifts. Christmas evening, I make a special dinner and my Mom joins us for the meal. My husbands family is always invited.
This year was a little different and difficult just the same. My mother-in-law REALLY wanted everyone to come to her house to see her decorations so she invited us to come in the middle of the afternoon on Christmas Day. My Mother-in-law is single and my sister-in-law has only one child. We have 4 children including a handicap 8 year old, a 3 year old, and a set of 2 year old twins. Now mind you, my MIL has had many, many, many Christmases her way with her children and her own traditions, but she is 65 years old and not in the best health so my husband and I reluctantly agreed and loaded everyone up and went to Grandma's to have a small meal and let the children open their gifts from her. My MIL's home is about 700 sq ft and there were 5 children and 5 adults crowded into a 10x15 ft room. The 3 hours we were there, we were trying to prevent the children from playing with the 500+ pieces of Snow Village that were within reach. The children had a good time at Grandma's but, by the time we left, my husband and I were worn out! I'm sure my MIL and SIL were glad it was over!
After a crazy afternoon, I had to get back home to get our Christmas dinner prepared. We didn't have our meal until 8:00 that evening and my children were exhausted and grumpy! Sure, I could've let the meal at my MIL's house be dinner, but this is my Christmas, too, and I want to have my own traditions for my family.
Wouldn't it be more accommodating for all of us if our parents and siblings would conform to our families Holiday schedule and the traditions that we want to make? Maybe it would be easier for them to visit one family in the morning and the others in the evening or one family on Christmas Eve and another on Christmas Day.
See, it's all in the way you look at it, or maybe how selfish one wants to be. I will continue to be selfish and will continue to have Christmas at my home on my schedule. If the family wants to see us for the holiday, they'll have to see us at home!
The reason I wrote all this is to give you a little insight into what the Daughter-in-law goes through during holidays. Find a way that works for you and if everyone else wants to be a part of it, invite them! Just don't hold it against them if they want to do it their way.
Hi Ann. Wow, did not read the responses and I am sure you got great advice. I have lived 1100 miles from family for the past 17 years and really miss the running from house to house on the holidays.
Sit down and talk to them. I personally would not hold up any of the days doings waiting for somebody to come. Nor would anybody in my family be offended that dinner, dessert, present opening, etc. happened before they got there. If they make a choice to go there then logically they are going to miss something here. They can catch up on the fesivities when they get there. You can't please everybody or cater to all wants & "needs". Missing some of your family fun & traditions may make them think about alternating holidays or adjusting their schedule. Keep the joy of the day!
You may have already got this advice...and I sure hope things went better this year!
My advice would be to have your celebrations the night before...split the holiday between two days so each family has a day of their own.
Alternating is a good idea, but sometimes creates problems when members fight over whose turn it is.
I would sit down with your brother and his wife and explain your feelings making sure that you make your SIL know that you are happy she is part of your family and how glad you are to be a part of hers. You might even foster greater relationships between the two families by periodically getting them together during the year.
Alternate who has Thanksgiving one year with who has Christmas Day. No matter what you do someone is going to feel a slight bit left behind, but if they love you (you might point this out) they will be fair.
I am just beginning to experience this. My DIL spends all the holidays with her family. When I discussed with my son he said, " you don’t invite". I told him I thought we were rotating holidays and he should be able to suggest to his wife that it’s time to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas with us. Both my husband and I are disabled with chronic illnesses. He doesn’t even bother to invite us to his house, instead. His FIL has COPD and is never at any holiday functions. He didn’t even walk his daughter down the aisle. They treat him with an out of sight out of mind policy. My husband and I don’t think that’s very nice. We would appreciate a little kindness, not being ignored. How can I open a discussion with them about this.