my 15 year old son is not motivated to do anything !!!!! he is failing classes at school and complains about helping arounfd the house. he doesnt get along with my husband and they fight constantly, now he wants to go live with his father in virginia .
Help dont know what to do?
Hi Renee!
First let me tell you that I empathize with you and that I'm wishing you all the best! Dealing with teenagers can be quite a hefty task, let alone when you've divorced and remarried. I don't have any particular experience with this, but I was a challenging teen and I did leave my mom's house to go live with my father for about 2 years as a result of all that teenaged craziness! ;)
My suggestion is that if you think his father is able to take good care of him and give him the guidance he needs, maybe it will be a good thing for him to go spend more time with his father, contingent upon the fact that his dad is willing to let him come. I had a friend who worried that it might make her son feel as though she was giving up on him, but it actually worked out great. Maybe you can talk it over sensibly with your husband, your son, and your son's father to see if you all can't come up with a reasonable solution that will be comfortable for everyone.
GOOD LUCK!
I was in a similar situation you are. One of my hubby's kids from a previous marriage was unmotivated, didn't help around the house and was disrespectful. The reason for his behavior was that he was on the internet playing games every waking moment of his life and his world was the internet not the real world. The best thing that could have ever happened to him was moving in with his mom. She had her ways to jolt him into reality and he woke up from his "stupor". Yeah to mom. I would say that if you can handle being separated from him, let him move in with his dad. At least for the summer. If it doesn't work out betw the two of them, he can always come back at the end of summer...
You have only been married for 1 year. I don't know how long you dated first but your son has been yours for 15 years. How long were you with his dad? Did you all live as a family? When you answer some of these questions, that may help with the situation. Did he take care of you before this other man came into your life? If none of those things are the issue then would letting him live with father for a summer or school year be too bad? Sometimes we don't miss what we had/have until we are faced with a new situation. If it could be any of the issues above, I would handle that first before I allowed him to go with his father on a trial basis. Good luck with your situation and I hope this helps....even a little.
Oh my dear, How difficult these years can be. I will pray for you and your family. Is your son resentful of your new husband? Does your husband argue back? (Not to be mean but arguing with a teenager is rather like arguing with a drunk, it is pointless. It won't happen overnight, but do you have an adult family friend whose wisdom and counsel you trust who can spend time with your son? He needs some kind of mentor and/or perhaps counseling. Teenageitis is common and difficult but there are things to do. It is very important that your husband not respond in anger to your son. Dont know if this helps but I pray it will.
Dear Renee,
Send him. Only with age will he realize that his request may in fact have been the worst idea he ever had. However, as long as the "go live with dad" fantasy is in his head it will beat anything you can offer in the real world. It will also give you a measure of peace with your new husband :~).
God Bless,
Suzi
I have a friend who had the same problem with her daughter. She got tired of fighting her and sent her to her father's. She lived with him and his current wife for little over a year and then was back with her mom. Things were not as green on the other side as she thought they would be. Maybe that's what you need to do. Explain the situation to your ex (if he is not aware of it by now, and ship your son off to him, if he would have him.
This is typical behavior for a teen, but still very frustrating. Give him a time limit for his chores. If not done, ground him from TV, video games, phone and friends, for a2 days. Next time, ground him for 3 days, etc. He will soon get the picture. If he gripes about chores, tell him he can complain all he wants, but he will have it done in one-half hour or appropriate time, or he is grounded for 2 days, then walk away.
Same for failing classes. Anything below a C (or B if you think he is capable), then no video games or TV until the next report card.
As for fighting with your husband, you need to let your husband have control. If he is trying to get your son to behave, let him. Stand up for your husband and tell your son he must listen to him. Respect of adults is a must. Kids will play their mom against their dad if they think it will get them what they want.
Good luck. (I raised 3 kids, 2 boys)
Hi Renee. Welcome to the teenage club. I wish there was an easy answer. I have a 13 yr old daughter that is so far a straight A student, but not motivated at all and complains about helping out in the house. I also have 2 stepsons. One that is 20 and another 17. The 20 yr old lived with us off and on throughout the 4 yrs that we have been married, but 100% for about 6 months. The 17 yr old is a totally different story. He lived with us 100% for about 6 months and it was horrible. He was failing out of school, didn't do anything in the house and made everyone's lives miseareable. We ended up letting him move back in with his mom. He is still doing lousy and not doing well in school, but ultimately, he made his choice and now has to live with his decision.
So tough love is really the only answer it seems with teenagers. It is hard on everyone involved, but when they grow a bit, they will come to realize the errors(s) of their ways and appreciate you more for it.
I hope this helps and you get through it!!
I am going to give you advice from the teen's point of view. I went from being a straight A student to being the teen from hell. My step-dad tried to rule with the iron fist, but my mother chose to turn a blind eye and let me do what I wanted. DO NOT DO THAT! I truly wish today that my mom would have laid the smack down. If her and my step-dad would have been on the same page, I think things would have worked differently. My son is only 12, but a couple of years ago tried doing the same type of things. He would also play me and his dad against each other using grandma. (We are divorced.) I decided to try the opposite of my mom, and my ex and I joined a united front. We let him know that we were his parents in it together, and this was not acceptable to either of us. What a turnaround! If you let him go live with dad, you are showing him it is ok to run from your problems instead of dealing with them head on. I threatened to attend school with my son and be his "best buddy" all day if he did not straighten up. I think the fear of mom holding his hand all the way to class scared him straight!
Welcome to the wonderful world of teenagers!!! Aren't they just the most fun people in the world??
Now, all kidding aside, I will be serious too, because I know you are suffering a serious problem.
First you have to take away all privelages. He goes nowhere, does not use the phone, can't use the internet, no video games, no CD player, MP, or television, and has assigned chores that must be done daily. You may have to invest in a child care provider who is willing to enforce your restrictions.
It sounds like depression and he may need therapy. Some of his actions sound like he is getting back at you for remarrying and taking away his right to be the man of the house.
I don't know what your relationship with your ex is. I would call him, tell him what the situation is and request his help in talking to your son. If he is a concerned parent the failing in school will get his attention. He probably isn't concerned about the relationship between your son and your new husband. It might be that spending a month with your ex, if he will enforce the no privelages, etc., method with your son and make it really tough on him while he is there will work in your favor.
I would see about getting him into a summer education program and if he doesn't do well he gets additional chores, no money, and his friends can't come around.
I will be praying for you.
Hello,
I have a 15 year old daughter who is the same way. The more I give to her the worse she is. She treats her step-dad terrible, does not listen to me and she is failing school also. She helps out with her baby brother(premature with some problems) and then acts like she has done so much.
This teenage thing I do not understand either, I wish you luck. I am trying to get her into something this summer and hope that this helps. I just went back to work and really need her to help, but it is just not in her.
The father thing may not be such a good idea, but it depends on the relationship that you have with him. He may not help a at all and make things worse.
Tifanie L
Hi Renee,
I've been there with my son who is now 18. I sent him to live with his father when he was @ the same age as your son.. He had started cutting classes, not turning in his homework, and he staying out at night! etc... I too have a husband that isnt his father...but he never disrespected him- talking back- fighting or anything like that... he barely spoke...
so I sent him to live with his dad in Mississippi. it was a culture shock! he said that his old school was live "heaven" compared to his new school. there was not a lot to do where they lived and they did not have open campus at lunch time like his former school. they ate lunch with their class! LOL!
His dad kept him real close and it was almost like bootcamp, no freedom at all compared to when he was here.. not that he had a lot of freedom but there was a lot more to do and to get into here.
send him to live with his dad. they always think the grass is greener on the other side. if dad is a responsible person, and you can trust him.. send him... he will see a dad that isnt always giving him fun times, when they visit, but one who is a disciplanrian. he will most likely have to do chores, and be more respectful and obedient. he will come to appreciate you and his step dad more once he spends time there. also hopefully his dad will reinforce him going to school. send him!
my son came back last year more respectful and appreciative after spending almost 2 years away... he did end up sliding back into the old habits though...not doing his homework and messing up that way... with just 1 semester left in school! but..he is graduating this thursday... . he does plan on going to community college in the fall...so I cant be too disappointed...I still havent figured out a way to motivate him..I am considering asking someone to mentor him... like a big brother...that I trust and admire as a big brother for him...
I hope things work out - send him! let me know what happens
God Bless!
DeBorah
email: [email protected]
Hi Renee:
I'd love to hear the responses because my 14 year old daughter is always complaining too and not helping. Her father always calls her lazy. Will you post the results?
Look forward to hearing other moms feedback.
Paula
Renee,
I have been told and I believe that there is a reason that God gives us children in the form of cute, cuddly babies...if we had them in the form of teenagers human race would long ago have been extinct!
I have had a teenager under my care since 1990 when my first son turn 13. My youngest will turn 20 in 2011, four kids the first three are boys so almost everything I learned I am now relearning the 4th time around. But there is one thing that is the same with all four of 'em, I can't change the inside, the feelings, the lack of motivation. I can only change the behavior. Hopefully by changing the behavior the inside will eventually come along with the outside. You know, the ol' you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink technique.
Sit down with him and tell him exactly what you expect from him and exactly what the consequences will be if he doesn't follow through with your expectations. Make sure your husband and his father are in on it. If you don't think your son will actually listen to you without a battle beginning, write it out, it might be a good idea to have it in writing anyway so it can referred back to later on. There won't be any, "I forgots". Be realistic about your expectations and your consequences. Is he really an A student? Or maybe a B- student. Is it more important to have his bed made everyday or the dishes washed? Pick your battles. Make the consequence appropriate for the offense and make sure it is something you can follow through on so you're not punishing yourself in the long run. If you want to ground him for three weeks make sure you can follow through for three weeks and not give in after 10 days. If you think you can only hold out for 10 days then only ground him for 10 days to begin with. The actual length of time isn't as important as the fact that you follow through with what you say and be consistant so he knows what to expect from you.
As for going to live with his father if that is what you and HIS father determine what is best, not your son, my suggestion is to make it clear to him that your homes do not have a revolving door. That he is to stay there a predetermined amount of time and then the issue of where he will live will be discussed again. Don't let him think HE is going to be making the decisions in his life. Remember, he is only 15.
Good luck. None of this is gonna be fun whatever you decide to do. One because you'er dealing with a pain in the butt teen age boy and two you're dealing with your X.
Jill
You got married one year ago. How did your husband and he get along before you got married. Did you make sure that he was okay with the marriage before you tied the knot? Did you ask him what he felt, give him input, because you were BOTH marrying, not just you? Forgive me if it sounds a bit personal, but a family member got married without considering her child and it affected the child greatly. You did not say how long you have been divorced, but if you allowed your son to step into the role of the man of the house, your best friend, someone you leaned on, then consider how he must feel now. I am of the complete belief that when parents with children want to get married, they have to make the child or children the priority in that process. Just because you got married doesn't mean instant family. If there are children from his side, doesn't make them his automatic siblings. They are not related. He perhaps feels that you have left him behind, especially if your husband is controlling, or is trying to be the father. Take your son out, just you and him and allow him to be honest without consequence, even if it's not what you want to hear. Tell your husband to stop trying to be the parent. Period. Because he's not. Any discipline you need to be the one to ground him, not your husband. Look, you have three years and he will be gone. Do you really want those three years to be a negative memory for him? Is this yours to fix? Yes.
hey renee
if you have tried talking to him the maybe u want to lookin to him at lest spending summers with is father tell him he needs to improve his grades and attude and will be talking with his father about it/ our just let him go but i would work with him first. my older sister went horugh the same thing but he left after high but he did go for summers before at a time a young boy just want to and need there father not saying that his stepdad is not doing a good job but he wants his realy one even if it hurts them the need to understand life as they grow and if u want to send him this summer have him do summer school before he guys so u know that the main oal is to improve is education before its to let pray about pray over him, he wil come home dont worry i hope that helps good luck
I am a mother of 3 boys and a girl. My boys are 25,15,and 10. My oldest went through what you are describing and is now in the last few years "growing up". HE is now in the air force and about to become a father in September. His high school years were awful. We did not know what we were doing. We tried working with the schools. They did the bare minimum and still will only do the minimum today. My husband is not his father so that probably played a role in it. He never knew his father (he is alive). He was diagnosed at 20 with ADHD but now wew are not certain if that was a correct diagnosis. He has obstructive sleep apnea which may have contributed to it. We made a lot of mistakes with him and now am dealing with another difficult 15 year old. I ahve tried to look back at what I did with #1 and learn from those experiences. I have learned a lot but each child is different and boys are different than girls which it makes it hard for us mothers to understand our boys. There are 2 books I am recommending that will help you see your son in a different light. The first is Boys Adrift by Leonard Sax and other is The Mind of Boys by Michael Gurian. Both can be found at the library. If look at my high school, the majority of kids on the honor and merit rolls are girls. More and more boys are becoming turned off by school. Thus is also happening in the work place. This isn't something that has happened overnight. This goes back many decades.(Late 50's to 60's) Schools are more appealing to girls than boys. Girls respond by pleasing someone. Boys don't care about those things. I would not send your son away to his father with any unfinished business where you are. These 15 year olds are still kids who are learning how "this world" works and think they don't need us but deep down they are crying for help. If you are part of a church find a good family counselor through them. It is good to have a mediator who will help each one of you understand what is going on in the family unit. My friend went with her family (w 2 boys) and it has helped her boys be more "thoughtful" and more accountable for their own behavior. I could go on about this topic. I am very disturbed that schools are not recognizing that more boys are disconnecting from school than ever before. Graduating rates are dropping and they are mostly boys. There is hope. PLease do not give up on him.
You could start by sitting him down and talking to him. Try a little bit of threatening by telling him you'll send him to military school if he doesn't straighten up. If there is no change then maybe you should consider letting him live with dad for a while. Maybe dad could do the trick and get him on track. At his age he is rebellious and he wants to do what he wants to do. This is a point where some tough love may need to come into play.
Debbie
I am 31 and have been married for almost 12 yrs. My husband and I have 3 boys ages 10,7 and 4.
Renee, I went through this too... Had a LOT of teener problems all through HS,,and thought I could take it out on my parents by giving up in school, not seeking help, and being all depressed all day every day. My mom finally had enough of my crap so she busted my a$$, took my privelidges away and assigned me an extra chore a day till I decided that being a little bitch wasn't working.. Now this was back in the 80's,, so I wouldn't recommend busting your 15YO sons hiney,,this day & age you'd get the authorities caled on you in a lick.. I don't spank my own kids either.. But for the simple fact that I teach brazilian jiu jitzu, unarmed self defense and work every now and then either as a bouncer at a night club or an instructor teaching oversized men how to be bouncers.. So I was always afraid I'd hit them too hard. Don't get me wrong,, my kids are 13,11,7,and4,,, I'm just starting out in the mommy dept. and I know that. But my 13 YO son knows to dress like he has some sense, ( IE clothes that FIT. pants and shorts that don't go fall off his butt, he loves polo shirts, and only wears sports clothes when it's time to play sports.) My daughter thought she could start saying "Oh God" and "That Sucks" caling people "stupid, idiot, " etc...and thought I'd allow her to write OMFG on her emails and letters to her little friends. Losing her bedroom door and all screen time for one week curbed that problem quick fast and in a hurry. The kids are homeschooled so they don't pick up the habits of potential trash mouthed friends, yet have a slew of friends from church and theirvolunteer work @ the nursing home. Sounds over-strict,, but then again, my kids are well behaved, follow the homeschool and chore schedule w/out being told, get a hug and kiss and a "I Love You" SEVERAL times a day, I'm not kept in the house all day doing housework as there's a chore list and everyone, even the 4 YO has their assigned duties they must perform. After that the whole family spends the evening at the beach, we go to the dojo for a workout as a family, board games are AWESOME in bringing the family together.. Movie nights are OK,, but there's NO interaction among the family.. Just a bunch of people eating junk food and stairing at that boob tube. We found a few trails to pack the bikes up and go for a trail ride. We garden together, ( in that a HS lesson in photosynthesis) etc.. My suggestion is do pack up the whole family,, wether the 15 YO wants to go or not, and go to a museum, park, walk a trail, go to the berry farm to pick fresh berries. ... whatever you do, make sure the entire family can go,, or if your husband works weird hours like mine does, you do this alone with the kids. and do another trip on the weekends. Gas prices being what they are it would be best to look into the "community hapenings" section of the newspaper, or go online to see what's close by.
. He'll be distant, lagging behind, walking a bunch of paces ahead, etc.. but start conversations and make them FUN conversations that he'd be interested in. He'll eventually come around and start doing WITH you instead of against you.
After the first night of his refusal to throw the dice, or walk with you all, don't give up... Make a schedule so he knows the family field trip is coming up, and he'll reluctantly mentally prepare for it.
I dont tknow if this will help,, but it's what I can think to do.
God bless and good luck,
AMy in Cleveland