My 16 yr old girl is my biggest challenge. She is smart but does not apply herself at school. I try to explain she will end up in community college when the goal is public or private 4 yr school, but she continues to make excuses and not work hard. My older daughter feels if I really crack the whip (take away computer, cell and ground her) she will rebel even further. Am thinking of asking for a meeting with her guidance counselor or principal with her in tow to make the point. Right now she is failing math and I keep trying to tell her junior year is sooo important for college!! HELP!! How can I get through to her? Make-up, hair and boys is not going to get her to the college of her choice!! She has always been mature and independent for her age (keeping up with the other 2?) but she seems oblivious to the importance of good grades!
PS--First off, you all ROCK!! Thank you one and all for taking such an interest. I am sure you all can tell I love this kid to death and want only the best for her. Second, I think I worded it poorly about Community College--I meant no offense--I went there, and just a few years ago too! As for wanting college-she does! She has been to visit her sister for a weekend and she loved it. I know college is not for everyone, but that is not the vibe I get from her. Its just a teenage, ooohhhh Mom I'll do it later thing with her. I have never compared my kids and honestly she was always a better student than her sister! I will get the book about schools, schedule some visits and go to see her guidance counselor. I think her Math class is challenging, I have to find a way to have her realize she is capable of doing well in it if she works at it and that is a worthy result. She just got an 84 on her English Regents Exam!!
hi
you have a tough case
i think that if you go to the guidance counselor, you have to go without her, and maybe she shouldnt event know that you are going, because she may view it as a betrayal
there is a great book out there - talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids can talk
also parent effectiveness training
they explain how to talk to your children so that they feel that you understand them and not trying to challenge them at every turn, especially at such an age
also, i feel that her behaviour is a symptom of something that you may not even suspect
is her older sister a good student? do you always compare them? think about if there have been any changes lately
also, i dont think that telling her about community college is very productive at this time
it will make her more angry and 16 is the age when you start challenging the world and its values and maybe to her it seems that education is not a priority
which i do not agree with, but telling her where she may end up of... is not a very productive way of convincing her of anything
instead tell her what she can do if she did attend college
if all else fails, i would go to a child psychologis. again, without your daughter's knowing at least at first
I can really relate to what you are saying Tricia. My son is 17 and a junior in high school and failed every subject first marking period. He is very bright but is ADHD and he kept saying (for the past 2 years) "I'm going to do better, wait and see" but never really changed anything. We have had so many struggles with him. I have explained the same thing to him about going to college etc. I have brought him to doctor's, psychiatrists, psychologists, you name it and they are just stupid people who give me no real advice. My son is so high strung...poor kid...sometimes I think he needs to go on an anti-anxiety medicine but they always want to pump him up with uppers. I know for him alot of it is medical. I did take him to a psychiatrist last month who told me in a few words that made more sense to my husband and I than all of the medical professionals we have been to. He said we have to guide him but lay off of him. He has got to make some choices and will not learn unless he suffers some of the consequences of what he is doing to himself.
All of the threatening and yelling hasn't worked. My husband was a "late bloomer" also. He didn't go to college and worked years ago taking furniture off a delivery truck at Bambergers and after a while made up his own mind that college was the better route. He ended up with a four year degree and went on to get his masters with a 3.99 average.
I don't think a community college is bad at all. People just like to say their kids go to certain colleges for some kind of "status gratification" from other people which is sad.
I took summer classes years ago at our community college to finish my degree and it was wonderful and the professors were really intelligent.
Have you ever looked into the fact that maybe she is shunning her academics because of a learning disability? You can be extremely intelligent but still have one.
Believe me, when I read your blog this morning, it was like I was reading the story of our family...It's really frustrating.
Sometimes I feel that "youth is wasted on the young!"
My sister was the same exact way. (she was older) My parents forced her to go to school, and she failed out in the first semester becuase she didn't want to be there. She came home from the school and announced that she wanted to be a hairdresser. She went to school, graduated and got a job right away. She is now 27 and makes about $70,000 a year as a hairdresser. Point is that you can't force your kids to go to college, it is a choice they need to make for their own future. If you set ground rules and let her know, no college, no money for the movies, etc... then she may choose to go to college and live a sweet life for another 4 years. Anyways, good luck!
IF your daughter is serious about going to a good college, and IF she really means it, then start looking at schools. I know, you're thinking, she's FAILING, what school are we supposed to look at?
Get one of those big college guides that lists all of the schools by state. Let her start paging through and forming a list of where she really wants to go. In these descriptions are fun statistics, like how many years of math and science one needs in order to get it, what their average GPA is for accepted freshmen, the average SAT scores, and how many applications they get for how many open slots. It's still making the same point that she won't get in if she doesn't work hard now, only the message isn't coming from a nagging parent now, it's coming from the source. This is an in-black-and-white method of making your point without you havbing to make it.
I read your heartfelt worry and all the responses. I will tackle it from a different point of view. I have been teaching for over ten years now - both middle and high school and trust me; I have seen it all. If your daughter has previously done well, and is not a behavioural problem else where, there is probably one of three things going on - ALL of which will be a phase.
One, she is trying to find herself in realation to her older sisters and right now this is the only thing she can take control of while knowing she still "gets the material."
Two, she has hit a point in school where the material has gotten a little too tough and if she has always done well - she may not have the true study skills it takes - talking with her teachers will give you a better idea (NEVER DO IT BEHIND HER BACK - HAVE HER WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES WITH THIS!!!!)
Three, she is bored in school. This may sound counterintuitive but it is very common. Again, check with her teachers - they will know whether or not she is understanding the material.
However, if there are behavior problems, intervene now!!! take the cell and computer with conditions (talk to me and you get 20 minutes without me, etc) but again - talk to the teachers (or coach) - they will have a better idea of what is going on - face it, they see her more in a day than you do right now - USE THAT RESOURCE!!!
I hope all goes best for you!!!
Traci
Oh, my heart goes out to you!! My daughter gave me such grief in high school! Have you talked to the math teacher? Is she having difficulty or just not doing the work? If having difficulty, get her extra help, whatever she needs. (did this with my daughter) Go to guidance counselor with her in tow. Also, I did crack the whip and my daughter was very angry. I worked my butt off to make sure she did ok. Do what you need to do and be strong. It is so worth it. My daughter graduated from a 4 yr state school, is making fairly good money for a company (altho not in what she majored in) and engaged. She did not become everything that I believe she could have been, but she turned out to be far more than where the path was that she was heading....
I wish I had the answer to this one! I am struggling with the same issue with my 16 year old daughter. Her grades are actually dropping from straight A's to A's B's and even C's. She says she understands how important her grades are and promises to get them back to where they were but its a constant fight "get off the computer" "stop with the text messages" She is basically a good girl, but I'm afraid that she won't realize the mistakes she is making until its too late to change them. Good luck, be strong And I agree with your older daughter to an extent. Taking everything away will make her rebel and thats the last thing you want. But keep a close eye on the extent of especially the cell phone use. I noticed her taking it to bed and still talking in text messages until 12- 1:00 on a school night. You have to pick your battles and stand your ground on certain issues. They can be strong willed little beasts at this age!! lol If only we can get them back to Barbie dolls and dress up instead of boys and make up!! lol GOOD LUCK!
You say that private college is what is planned for your 16 yr old. I agree you should make an appt. with guidance. You may find that your plan of college is not what her plan is. Maybe she would be happier to go to trade school. Its hard to let go and let hr make to choices, but she may surprise you. Just because your other girls are happy with the choice, doesn't mean she is or will be. I really think you need to ask her.
Tricia,
Since your daughter is smart, she's well aware of the consequences of her behavior. Perhaps she's not interested in going to college, or perhaps she's asserting her independence by not studying. In any event, junior year can be very important if you leave her alone. Either she'll come around herself, or not.
I have one daughter who didn't care about scholastic achievement, and although she did go to college, she's now very happy working in a 9 - 5 job. My other daughter was always very self-motivated and competitive -- she's now working on an advanced degree.
Bottom line -- not all kids are the same, and not all have to go to college to do well and be happy. And that's really what you want for them, isn't it? The world really doesn't end or begin at age 16!
It sounds like your oldest daughter might be right. Being too tough will make her rebel. However you do need some ground rules. Perhaps saying "if you fail a class, you will no longer have a phone." Something that is a privilege, not her right.Grounding her too much might backfire. One thing you should not do is compare her to your oldest children who are in college. College is very important but you can't make her be interested. No college will have consequences(lower pay...etc.) Maybe if you stop putting so much emphasis and back off she will come around on her own. Perhaps letting her know that her choices, good or bad, will certainly have an impact on her future. Oh, by the way...You say she will "end up" in community college as if she will end up in jail. Maybe staying close to home is what she needs to start out. My sister in law is a doctor and guess where she started, Community college!
Slow down, its an important time to show you are interested in HER. Teens need Mom and Dad to unconditionally love them and help them discover what they want not what you want.Hormones are raging and its a time of self discovery and independence. Letting go a little bit and listening and just being with her is important.Staying neutral is key so there is nothing to react to. Gentle guidance and support and love does wonders. I had a daughter who had enough of school by senior year and did not go to the four year top ten school I saw her in. I have to admit I panicked when she brought home her first failing grade ever at min term. I stayed neutral and told her whatever she did had consequences for her and not me. She did not want to go to college at all!
Junior college worked famously to help her go to that top school and then she was accepted into every law school she applied to. Now at 31 she is a successful company president and lawyer. Its the positive self esteem and love and support that helps each teen. Even if they stray from the path for a while, or make different choices, you are there without judgment to assist. Your older daughter is correct punishment does not work. If she misses the college of her choice she may need to go through that experience and then transfer or not.Best Wishes.
Take her to some schools - visit them and tour them. Ask to speak to some girl students. Get her excited and make it feel real for her. Right now it seems like more school. She needs to know how great the whole experience is to appreciate it more. Maybe spend the weekend with her older sibling? Just a thought.
First off, don't panic! I taught 10th grade for 3 yrs. and your daughter is part of the norm. Teenagers often don't know what they want to be when they "grow up," and frankly, neither did I. When they are forced to think about it, many have said that they feel overwhelmed because it is such a big decision and they don't want to make the wrong one. It's easier for them to just keep putting it off. Keep in mind that many community college are great. Your daughter may need or want to attend a community college close to home for 2 yrs. and then transfer all of her credits to a 4 yr. college (when she figures out what she wants to be). It will save you money and it will buy her a little more time because she can take humanities at the community college. I went to a community college for 2 yrs. before going to a 4 yr. college and I'll have to tell you, the most challenging classes I ever took were at the community college. The biggest thing you can do to help her right now is focus on getting her math grade up, and scheduling tours of campuses. Once she gets into the college atmosphere, she'll probably start checking out what they offer. Good luck.
Sounds like your daughter needs to channel her computer and
cell phone skills. Also sounds like she might be a good networker. Try a program like Kids Wealth http://snipurl.com/kidsbusiness
She can use a simple little $5- business to get started applying her skills like this one all about plants and
gardening. www.snipurl.com/5dollars
Two pluses. She starts to make her own money for college and
creates skills that will serve her for the rest of her life.
just wanted to let you know, your older daughter is absolutely right! the more you push, the more she'll rebel! i have to ask...does she want to go to college? or is it just you and your husband that want her to go? all you said was that her grades won't get her into the college of her choice, but not what college that was...if she hasn't picked one out, or just doesn't want to go, you really can't push her into it!
trust me, coming from someone who's been on her end of it all. i wanted to go to some school for computer programming and possibly arts too...but i wanted to wait until i was ready, until i knew that i had some money saved to pay everything off (being that i had to pay it) and my mother forced me into going right after high school (with the threat/reality of her company not providing health insurance for me if i waited even 1 yr to go to school) and i wound up dropping out of TWO schools!!! i just didn't have the interest to do any of it at that moment, i wanted to do it WHEN I WANTED, not when others thought it was right for me. and because of that, i now have absolutely NO interest in furthering my education because even the thought of it makes me feel like i'm being forced into it like when i graduated high school.
also, during school, when my mother was up my butt about my school work, and my grades i just got worse and worse! once she gave up and left me alone, i worked at my own pace, and my last 2 yrs of school i had nothing but honor roll (A's and B's!). now, i'm not saying that every kid is like that, or that your daughter is like that...but your older daughter said to you about pushing and her rebelling and it just sounded like when i was younger. i personally feel that you should leave her be about it...not completely...just stop pushing. sit down and talk to her, ask her what HER plans are for after school! what SHE wants to do! once you realize what her plans are and what she wants, then give her your opinion on whatever it is. just prepare youself for the possible "i DON'T want to go to college", there's always that possibility. best of luck in this...hopefully if you let her be a bit she'll realize on her own (maybe it sunk in, and she just didn't want to hear it anymore) and maybe she'll make a big turn around like i did. good luck, and let us know what happens.
I don't know if this helps, but I know many families who had this problem. Sometime the child does end up at community college for awhile. Guess what. It's not so bad: they learn the consequences of their prior irresponsibility. If they want to attend college (and it sounds like your family has instilled that as a priority), they will, afterwards. If I were on the admissions committee of a prestigious college, I would admire a child who was aware of the extra difficulty of that path.