Friendships with other Moms

Family & Parenting Classmate & Friend Issues
1

Hey Everyone -

I haven't posted in a while, but wanted your advice on a problem I'm having concerning two other moms. We all have 7-8 year old sons who go to the same school. My son and I have been friends with one of the boys and his mom since kindergarten and with the other boy and mom since 1st grade (last year). This last summer I made the choice to stop having play- dates with the boy we've known since last year because he uses curse words and is disrespectful to me, plus when my son would go to his house, the boy's older brother would bully him all the time. His mom never asked why I stopped having the play-dates. The mom I've known since kindergarten used to call me pretty much every day to chat, and we would do stuff together about once a week or once every two weeks.

Well, these other two moms' sons are now in the same class together at school, which is a different class from my son. Since December the mom who I have known since our kids were in kindergarten and who I considered my best friend has now been inseparable with this other mom. They have play-dates and sleep-overs back and forth every week. The last time this mom and I and our sons did anything together was going out for ice cream for half an hour way back on January 7th, and I had to practically beg her to agree to doing that. The topper came when I found out they all went to see Hotel for Dogs the weekend it came out. That used to be our "thing" - we would go see kids' movies together on their opening weekend.

So, what I'm saying is, I feel like I've been replaced. When I talk to her about it, she denies there's anything wrong and just says her son and the other boy "click". Well, he was "clicking" with my son before she stopped doing anything with us. I guess I should just move on and make other friends, but that is easier said than done, plus it's not fair that my son has lost a friend too.

Anyway, sorry to ramble on for so long, but I was wondering if any of you have gone through something similar and what you did about it. Thanks for any feedback.

Joy

2

It sounds as though you've decided to place your focus on something definitely NOT worth the attention.

REFOCUS and use this situation to teach your son how to handle life situations where he can rely on himself and be independent rather than codependent. You're his role model, and if you're having a hard time dealing with this "replacement" situation, then he will too.

Show him that NO ONE other than himself defines who he is.
Not a person who chooses to hang out with others rather than himself, not a person who belittles or bullies him, not even a best friend. Just HIMSELF.
Make him aware that HIS opinion of himself can always put superficial situations to rest if he is secure in who he is, what he's doing, and shows integrity first and foremost.

Regardless of age, when we show someone that we're hurting over feeling "replaced", we're actually showing them that we need to control their actions in order to feel confident. No one wants a "friend" like that. People are drawn to people who can live without them and quickly push themselves away from people who "need" them. To continue in a relationship with a seemingly needy individual, only creates the need to make excuses and constantly walk on eggshells so that the needy "friend" won't get their feelings hurt.

I don't know you, so I have no idea whether you're actually a needy person OR if you're just over analyzing a situation just because it's been bottled up in your mind... and you needed to "burst" to just get it out.

Hopefully that's all it is, regardless, you need to take control of those feelings ESPECIALLY in front of your son.
He needs to learn how to handle change... it's the only constant. By dwelling on this, you're setting him up for a big fall. We can't control the thoughts, actions, decisions, etc of anyone but ourselves. The sooner we accept that fact, the sooner we'll release the burden of the need to control - and move forward toward fixing situations within our control.

Tell your son to find another special friend for those times when your ex-best friend's son is with someone else.
If the friendship fades altogether... let him know that it's completely normal, and that along his life's path, he'll meet many many friends - and that's a good thing.

Good luck to you and your son.

3

Hey Joy-

I know how you feel. The same thing happened to me when my daughter was born. I had a friend that I spent a lot of time with. Her boys were, to say the least, energentic. THey were sometimes mean and ALWAYS messy and had no respect for others property. Anyway- we had weekly lunches and playdates with the boys and it all stopped when the baby came. It was tough at first, but I made it through. I realized that she was clicking better with other people (people whose children were a lot like hers....). I just made it a point to talk to the parents of my sons other friends at school. By his third week in oreschool, I had made a couple of friends that I will be in touch with forever.

Your situation will work out. I know that being "replaced" hurts. You feel jealous and probably irritated that you are jealous. Maybe you should go to pta meetings or other school events and meet the parents of other kids. Good Luck.

4

She may have been hurt by you keeping your son back - you need to tell her why, because she likely wouldn't want her sons to use curse words or be bullied/ bully kids. If she is okay with that, set up play dates, but don't exclude the new lady. Maybe you could be a threesome. If she is not okay with that, move on.

5

Hey Joy you are not alone.
My very closest friends have replaced our family with another as being the ones they spend the most time with. It hurts but we are still very close friends. Before we would take vacations to Mexico and Hawaii together but no more. Their is really nothing either one of us can do. You certainly can't cling to the other person. If she says that her son and the other kid click then that's the way it is. Kids change and it sounds like the son of your friend did too. Maybe in the future your kids will want to get closer again, and maybe not. It may be tempting to do threesomes again but if you don't feel comfortable with that one boy then make sure that you don't allow yourself to be drawn in for your sake. Don't practically beg the other mom to get together with you. She'll see it as just that and it will push her away. I think that you need to move on, but be there if they ever change their minds. Don't hold it against your friend just because her son and this other woman's son have become best friends. Your son will find a new friend too.

6

I completely, 100% agree with Kimberly's advice. I couldn't have said it better myself. Use this time to teach your son to be independant and confident of himself. Show him how to handle this situation by holding your chin up and smiling. He will undoubtedly have to deal with similar situations in the future. Good luck!

7

Wasn't it your choice for your son to not associate with this child because of his behavior? Seems like you made a decision and now are second-guessing the outcome.

Friendship is a two-way street - you have to work at it, just like the other parties involved. If you just suddenly stopped doing this with this other mother in your trio, did you also neglect your friendship with the one you were closer to? Maybe the other two felt left out and in turn, their friendship grew?

If you are truly concerned, you should talk to your friend. Tell her the circumstances of your break with the other child's mother. Ask her if she notices the same behaviors. Who knows, maybe that other child has grown out of his bad behaviors?

8

I have 2 kids in ele. school. It seems that they become good friends with a kid in their class, have sleep-overs, etc. and then the next year that friend is not in their class anymore. The next year they don't do as much with that friend ( it's not that they don't like each other)and make a new friend who is in their current class. I know it can be hard for them to make new friends sometimes, but the older they get, the more friends they will have by always having different kids in their class each year. It's good for them to expand their circle of friends. Has he tried any extracurricular activities that may expand friendships outside of school ?

9

Hi Joy,

So sorry to hear about that! I know that hurts and is even more painful when it affects your children!!

First of all if this woman was really your friend do you really think she would of done this to you? It's obvious she is excluding you and your son. Now if the other parent is aware that your not allowing your son to play with her son and she told your friend that then why on God's green earth did she not come and ask you "why"? If my best friend made a decision on anything I would know "why" or would find out. Especially if it ultimately affected our children playing together!!

We recently moved here to AZ and obviously our neighborhood and there is a little girl my daughter's age (9) who has been cussing, showing the finger, and bossing the other girls around. I have only been here a short time but I am making it a point to get to know all the Moms. Anyway, I find out that one of the Mom's does not allow her daughter to play with her. When my daughter told me this I asked "why". First, I started with my daughter and she said the little girl was mean with her behaviour towards her and even made her cry. Then I called the other mother and asked her why her daughter was not allowed to play with this little girl. She thanked me for asking and shared the rest. Now keep in mind they have been here a year (longer time to see these behaviours) and we have only been here 10 weeks! Anyway, it hadn't even been two weeks that we decreed this with my daughter and she had absolutely no problem with it and knows we are trying to protect her. When the girl's mother confronted my husband. We learned a great lesson, we should of told her from the beginning "why" our daughter could not play with her daughter but we are so new here (it's not like your situation where we had been friends and did things together adults/kids). Neither him nor I had never met the woman they live around the block from us. Anyway, my husband told her "why" and said that this is not the type of influences we want for our daughter and we are protecting her moral innocense. We told her that our daughter doesn't even know what a curse word is. The woman understood but was shocked to hear this about her daughter. She was not aware of any of it and said she was going to verify all that my husband told her. She did and it was confirmed. My husband and I felt that it was a good thing so she could rectify it. She seemed genuine about changing that.

Similar things have happened to me regarding "friendships" and I have had to learn the hard way that not everyone always feels the same in a relationship. That goes for any but in this case "friendship". I have thought people to be closer than they were. I mean I valued them more than they did me. But friendship aside the role of "MOM" supercedes this beyond measure!

You are protecting your son's morality and well being. That is your responsibility. What he sees you do on his behalf and what you allow and disallow in his life is all part of what forms the man he will become. Sit him down and explain that to him. You only get one shot with your kids. Friends come and go but "True Friends" will always be there even when you least expect it.

It seems like you really did not know this woman and now her true colors are showing forth. Various scenarios and situations cause us to see what is really inside of people.

Pray for "True Friends" for both you and your son. Look for friends that will be a good influence for both of you and will value your relationship!!

Praying for "Lasting True Friends" that bring you both "Joy"!

Arlene

10

How you handle it will determine how he handles it.

I would wish them well and move on to different friends. If you are gracious about it, chances are your son will be too even if he doesn't quite understand it all. Most of our friends in this life are for just a season and they move on. When they do, wish them well and move ahead. It's a great big world out there and you never know who you will click with next or what you can bring into their life or they into yours. And who knows...maybe the next people you become close to will be those ones that stick forever. I have a lot of friends and people that I know. We move in and out of each other's life depending on various circumstances. However, I'm happy to say that I do have a close few friends that stick with me through thick and thin and we are not close geographically. But we still manage to talk all the time and figure out ways to see each other. Those are worth the search and you hang on with all your might.

Hang in there and it will all work out.

11

I have to say that Arlene said it perfectly! I am sorry you have to go through this, but it sounds like your friend wasn't such a good frined after all, especially if she could drop you so fast. I would have made the same decision as you. My kids will always come first no matter what. You sound like a very good mom and she's the one that's going to be sorry in the long rum for losing you as a friend! Hang in there, you'll make new friends and so will your son, the kind of friends you both deserve and that have the same values as you. God Bless you!

mommy of 2 girls!

12

Sounds like you have been "replaced", sorry to say. However, your boy is better off without the influence of the other boy. Your boy should probably look for new friends as happens with the young ones. And, as for the other mom to change alliances that easily suggests that you can do better as well.

13

Hi Joy:
I remember reading in my sociology book that triads (groups of three) socially do not work well. it is healthier to get involved in a relationship with either one other Mom and her son or at least three others. I am so sorry that this has happened and don't take it personally. Sometimes people can be so cruel. You are right for not hanging out with the naughty boy's family any longer, good choice. As for the other women and son that you have known for ages....I would write her off and start shopping around for other families to spend time with. Maybe she is not really that nice of a person anyway, she sounds like she is inconsiderate for not including you in play dates anymore. Maybe you can network through church, or the Tucson Mom's Club. I would say to put your best effort out there to try and meet some other nice people.
Best Regards,
Kim

14

Some parents seek friends that their kids can play with and befriend the parent. When that friendship goes away they do to. Some don't want to hear what their kids have done wrong also because they don't want to deal with it.

Take care, sorry for your hurt.
Kathy

15

I too noticed that when my kids are in a different class at school they make new friends and the old ones are put aside for now. When kids spend the whole day together, they make plans to carry out after school, and now that your kids are not together so much they can't do that. The interesting thing is that in later years, my kids have picked back up where they were with their previous friends once they were together in the same class again.

I just went along with whomever they chose (unless, as you said, it was someone with undesirable characteristics). Maybe that is what your friend has done and has not noticed so much how much you miss her. I'm sure if you asked your son that he would tell you someone else he has become friends with at school, and that could be a starting point for you to make a new friend. For now, I would let it go with your friend. Forgive her, or you will hurt all the more. She probably did not hurt you intentionally. Maybe things will come back around in time.

16

Joy-
I'm so sorry for your hurt. I know it hurts deeply when a friend is rude and does hurtful things (sometimes very naively)......

My advice is short and sweet- find some new friends. This one is not worth keeping. Your son will move on, and so should you. There are faithful, loving, committed friends out there... you will find them as you continue being a great mom and a friend to others.

Toni

17

It's a tricky situation. I wondered as I read this, how open and honest you've been from the start. Did you inform the parent of the boy who was rude what was happening or did you just pull away and avoid their family? From my experience, it's good to lay feelings on the table. If the parents knew their son was bullying yours, they could have the chance to help the situation. Same if their son was misbehaving at your house, if you said that behavior was not okay directly to the boy and shared the consequence of not being invited to your house, he may have changed his behavior.
My son has lost 2 of his best friends to a different school. When the boys were in the same class, they were inseparable, now they get together here and there. The other two boys being at the same school hang out about the same amount of time as before.
Ofcoarse my son was confused at first and we talked about it. The fact that people come and go in our lives and it's great to have the opportunity to meet and explore new friends and situations. He will still see his 'old' friends and maybe not as much. He's done extremely well, he took the advise and has made several new friends and does still keep in touch with the old.
We all have choices, I'd guess one choice is to move on. Another would be to talk to the parents of the kid who was rude to try to make amends so the threesome may work out. Maybe choosing to speak to the mom you're closer with and apologizing for any awkwardness between you and the other parent and you'd like to work it out.
I try to remember in these situations that I can only be honest and forth right and whatever the person does with it is out of my control. I also try to remind myself that I am a role model to my kids, so when a conflicting situation comes up with another adult, I try to step back and resolve it in a way that I feel like I'm teaching my kids through my actions.
Sorry so lengthy, good luck.

18

Know that “the enemy of my enemy is my best pal”. The mothers both dislike you. Move on. It’s a no win situation.

19

Thanks everyone for your advice and kind words. Yesterday I confronted my friend and asked her directly what was going on. She proceeded to list some things I had said to her in the recent past - things that I said completely innocently and she chose to take the wrong way and totally blow out of proportion. For example, I had mentioned I thought I remembered her dog being larger. She took that to mean that I was accusing her of not feeding her dog properly. Another example: she had a Halloween party and told me ahead of time what activities she’d do. When the party was over, I asked her why she didn’t do one particular game. She took that to mean I was saying her party wasn’t any fun. So I have decided to take the advice of most of you and just move on. I don’t want to be in a friendship where I feel I can’t be myself and speak what’s on my mind and constantly have to be worrying if I’ve hurt her feelings with completely innocent things I’ve said. It hurts me that instead of seeing the two and a half years of nice things I’ve said and done for her, she chose to focus on a few things she views as negative. Anyway, I will be better off without her in my life. Thanks everyone for indulging me!